SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll also add -

IDGAF how much her parents or anyone else has spent on the wedding, dresses, flowers, destination tickets, gifts, etc. etc. etc.

Expect pressure to "go through with the wedding [and having all the things I said above with many more thrown in for good measure] and work it out after that"

You are under NO obligation to do so.

“All she did was give the guy a blow job”

What you do is you don’t marry her, that’s what you do.

Cancel that wedding. People want to know why? Tell them why. The excuses you will here from her, save yourself now, your a young man get rid of her. You will never view her the same, never and you will be the one tormented by your thoughts as she goes about thinking everything is ok.

T/J

There was a thread very recently entitled, "what happens in Vegas mentality".

Not going to throw one member here under the bus, but saying the following, "Vegas is one of those places where a lot of the most awful male behavior I talk about is on display. And those men who approached you likely approached dozens or 100's of other women over the course on their stay; that's how these type of men operate".

I thought it was a BS comment when I read it, and as we see here acting like a piece of shit with no morals isn't limited to just the male species. I know plenty of women who have pulled this same shit.

T/J over

I agree with everyone. Had she come clean right away, you might have had something to work with (like her friend did), but that does not seem to be the case here.

She intend to start the marriage on lies and she has no problems in hiding that sort of thing. Chances are that you will suffer more with her in your future.

Other points to consider:

- Get tested for STD

- Buy a beer the her friends BF, you owe him one, hell go to Vegas with him, as singles :)

If she ever tells you “I only had sex once”, reply: then I will only dump you once.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:57 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Stop the wedding, cancel everything you have jointly with her and hit the road bud. There is nothing and I mean nothing holding you to her. She is not marriage material at all brother. This isn't a mistake bud. Ask anyone here if they would marry their spouse knowing that in the future they were going to have an affair. I'll bet the farm most would agree not to have married. She's already shown you what she's all about. I hate that this happened to you man but it is a gift that it happened before you tied the knot.

There's another post over in the general forum by iris2536, about why childless betrayed partners are advised to RUN from the relationship and file for divorce.

I think you might find that thread interesting. Hindsight is 20/20, and many betrayed spouses look back and see all the red flags that they might have ignored or missed over the year, so keep in mind that any advice to RUN now is because they want you to avoid the additional pain and difficulties they face involving houses and shared debts and children.

Having said that, I'm actually NOT going to advise you to run from the relationship, because I agree with iris2536, that it comes across as dismissive of the love you may still have for your wayward fiancé.

HOWEVER, I absolutely do believe that you need to cancel (or at least postpone indefinitely) the wedding immediately, for a few reasons.

1. You need time to process what happened. I know 2-5 years sounds like a long time, and I remember thinking I would be over my WH (wayward husband) cheating sooner than that. Well. No. I'm starting year two, and while I've healed a bunch and am better than I was, I still deal with triggers, flashbacks, insomnia, nightmares, depression, panic attacks... many BSs (betrayed spouses) deal with symptoms of or full blown PTSD (sometimes referred to as PISD --post infidelity stress disorder).

2. Right now you need to focus on taking care of yourself, NOT last minute wedding plans. That means get tested for STDs, find a therapist that has experience with trauma and/or infidelity, consider antidepressants if you're really struggling, do your best to get sleep and keep eating. It's not unusual for BSs to lose A LOT of weight quickly and end up being hospitalized for malnutrition or fainting or having some other stress related illness.

3. MAKE SURE YOU STAY HYDRATED. Not with alcohol. And if you have no appetite or trouble keeping food down, consider sipping on a protein shake throughout the day instead of water.

4. If you go ahead with business as usual and/or get married not to rock the boat/embarrass anyone/lose a deposit, then your fiancé will assume that the next time she slips and cheats you will forgive her again, OR that she can guilt you into keeping the status quo ("how can you break up our family and ruin our children's lives? I *only* blew the softball coach once! And it meant nothing!"). Actions have consequences. Don't think of what you do going forward as punishment for cheating, so much as putting your health, safety, and well being first. If your WF is TRULY remorseful for her actions, she will move heaven and earth to work on herself and make sure she becomes a safe partner who would NEVER do this to you EVER again. She will accept your hurt and anger and mistrust, because she realizes that her actions caused them to happen. Full stop. No blame shifting ("you didn't pay enough attention to me!"), no excuses ("I was drunk!"), no guilt trips ("but my parents paid for XYZ and now they'll lose that money because of you if you cancel the wedding!"). Instead, "I understand why you need to cancel the wedding. I'm sorry for what I did. I will make all the arrangements and notify all the guests. And then I will get myself into counseling to figure out why I would throw you and our relationship away for some strange dick."

Pick up a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's written for the cheating partner, but it will help you to see what true remorse is. Do NOT settle for anything less.

And lastly, please do not be ashamed or embarrassed to cancel the wedding. Your fiancé did this, not you. It's hard sometimes right after d-day (day you discover the cheating or affair) not to let your thoughts spiral into blaming yourself or thinking you could have done something different. Your self-esteem takes a beating. But there's nothing wrong with you. YOU did not cheat. SHE did. There is something wrong with her, that she needs to work on. Morals, boundaries, character flaws, FOO (family of origin) issues, whatever. And you can't control another person or what they do or do not do. The only person you can control in this situation is yourself, so please, cancel the wedding and step back and give yourself some time to make any decisions.

It might not feel like it right now, but you WILL be okay. You're young, if you want to have children, your biological clock isn't ticking, and you have time to figure out your next steps.

Post as often as you need to. We're here for you.

I'm sorry man. You know, engagement is like a job interview. She failed the interview.

Move on to the next candidate.

wow. I'm sorry this mess happened to you. This a major mental and physical trauma (like being hit by a car). I suggest you see a doctor for assistance with sleeping and dealing with anger/anxiety. Tell them what you told us.

Among other things, cheaters share certain personality characteristics: selfish, entitled, deceitful and lacking in empathy for their partner. Alcohol reduces inhibitions but you still know right from wrong. In Vegas she took her mask off and revealed her true self.

You don't owe her or her family any explanation - just walk away. Live your best life and be grateful she revealed herself before becoming the mother of your children.

Wow that really sucks I am so sorry this happened to you. This is at a time when the both of you are so in love.

Now another guy gets to have a forever memory of two chicks having sex with him. It is also very sad that she would think sucking his dick would be good news! You might ask if she was doing that after he was inside her friend. And then she kissed you with that mouth.

Don’t marry her you really are going to hate it when you are married and she gets the itch to do this. There is something wrong in the first place going to Vegas without you. This is something she wanted to do.

She is also lying to you which is another red flag. I would go to her friend and get details and then ask her. Things like what sex they had, how big of a dick and see how much her story matches with the honest friend.

You were lucky you found out. At least now you can make your own decisions. I would dump her and plow other chicks and see how she likes it.

But it sucks and I am so sorry you have to go through this. Best of luck to you my friend!

Great post iBonnie.

I agree with ibonnie. I strongly suggest you cancel the wedding, as it will add a ton of pressure and not give you space to process this life-altering discovery. I know that can't be easy, but if you find yourself feeling embarrassed or guilty over cancelling it, please remember that it was your fiancee that caused this, and the guilt and embarrassment is hers to carry. You've done nothing wrong, and understandably need time to figure out your life.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

We are 2 pages into this thread w/out a response from the OP.

But as someone who is in Las Vegas right now (never been here before, don't see a need to return ((this is a work trip ))) I can see how this happens. There are a ton of 20 somethings here and they are enjoying the legalization of weed, and drinking along with it, and living w/ the mentality of "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". I saw shit go down at the pool in a 45 min period yesterday that convinced me that the saying is true. I saw ladies of the night on my early morning walk today, that convinced me the saying and the moniker of "Sin City" is true.

All that said, if you are still reading MOW - Please cancel your wedding... Unlike Iris who has been referenced, and also responded, your STBW (soon to be wife) lied and did NOT come clean. She is not remorseful, and that will only make for a future of pain and loss for you.

Run far, run fast, first to the STD clinic, then to her parents. Then go NC w/ her.

YOU are young, and smart. You will get beyond this, and it is teaching you a life lesson that will forever make you stronger.

MOW3: I am very sorry you are going through this mess. You never should have been put in the place where you are, AND, it is all her fault! Not yours – don’t ever forget that!

My wife had sex with a married man before I met her, but I found that after we were married, it made it easier for her to have sex with an engaged co-worker while only 1 year into our marriage. 3 months later, he married and my wife and he decided to keep the relationship going, to not tell the spouses, and to not divorce. I caught my wife cheating twice early in our marriage. All that did was make her and her lovers better at covering their tracks. Fast forward to 30 years, and I have discovered this was a way of life for her. She has had sex with 7 men and e-affairs and/or flirted with an additional 6, and these are just the ones I know of.

My advice to you is, if you REALLY love this girl, postpone the wedding and call off the engagement. If she REALLY loves you, she will show it by getting tested for STD’s and pregnancy (like others have mentioned), seek IC, and demonstrate her love for you. Don’t trust her words because she has already lied to you to your face. If she doesn’t commit to these conditions, then walk away. And, yes, the family needs to know why you are doing this.

Don’t willingly submit yourself to the pain and anguish I am now enduring. You don’t want to be where I am, but give her the chance to demonstrate – not verbalize (you see where that got you!) – her love for you.

This isn’t drunken one-night stand. She went there for that same reason. There is a post on another forum from a guy who had one-night stand with bride to be. There is several pages of people blasting him and calling him names but also several posters (employees of resorts and hotels) explaining this new trend in detail.

Apparently, bride to be and bridesmaids would book a hotel rooms and go out “hunting”. Bride has privilege to pick. Once bride finds her man she sends signals to her friends to do the same. According to posters some hotels even advertise bachelor and bachelorette parties and singles resorts. If is family resort chances finding that lucky guy are slim.

I am sorry for your situation. You have tough decision ahead and a lot of good advice here

Did she and this friend have sex with this guy together? As in was she also having sex with the friend? And this girls is in your wedding party? Really?

No way. I'm sorry. You cannot go through with this.

Glad you found out before the wedding. Hate that you are going through this.

Don’t stop the silent treatment.

No real need to ever talk with her again. All she is going to do is lie to you.

Read the 180. It might help with breaking down the emotional bond you have with her.

This won’t be easy but it will get better.

I'm sorry that you're here, you dodged a bullet, yes I will say it, RUN for the HILLs and don't look back, get tested for STDs, you deserve much better, like Spaceghost007 said, she even thought giving him a BJ would be OK, really !!! not that it matters much now but of course she went all the day, like many have already said, better to find out now than after the wedding, some years in the future and a few children later, she failed miserably, EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends, that way they'll understand why the wedding shouldn't take place.

You've received sound advice. I am sorry you are here. How are you doing? You haven't re-posted yet. I hope you are learning to breathe, eating, trying to take time for you, and figuring this all out.

"You've received sound advice. I am sorry you are here. How are you doing? You haven't re-posted yet. I hope you are learning to breathe, eating, trying to take time for you, and figuring this all out."

Thats exactly what I'm doing, I'm not sure how to reply to specific posts, all of y'alls comments have been helpful, I never had any intentions of continuing our engagement, just needed to tell someone what happened who wasn't a friend, because its humiliating. Thanks to all of you.

also... today I am going to inform her parents why the wedding isn't going to happen, they've been blowing up my phone, should be a great conversation, can't wait for her to play the victim.