SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

here's mine....

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

Not a clue, I was blindsided

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

again blindsided

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

looking back, plenty of signs. Working late or on weekends, increase of computer/Internet use (pre-A, no interest in the computer/Internet), shaving her private area, always wanted to know where I was (work, visiting family, errands, etc)

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

no. If she did, I would have sold the bedroom furniture and probably the house as well.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

oh yeah. I believe SI didn't exist back then.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

a 10. D-day was back in 2002 but I still visit SI

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair? About a year

2.) Were you initially caught off guard? Yes

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair? Lying about appointments, work schedules, moaning a strange woman’s name in his sleep

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair? NA

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed? No

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI? Oh yes

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond? 10+++++

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I caught it while he was still in it, though she had tried to cut things off with him a few days prior.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard? It was my second d-day, so I knew he was capable but it was a full on affair and we were in what I thought was a good place in our marriage.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair? I didn’t have any suspicions really but I was distracted with several thing.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair? Yes. Cigarette smoke smell in our car, scratches on his back one night, being adamant about not staying overnight in my parents house one weekend because he had to go to work.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed? No. Only in the hot sheets motel.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI? Yes for two months he was bordering it.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-Day? 100. I almost threw myself in front of a bus. I stayed in bed crying and shaking all day alone until my daughter came home from school.

1) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I knew instinctively almost straight away that ‘something’ was wrong. I had very vivid dreams that he was cheating, and he was mean to me. Really mean. Snappy, dismissive, unkind. There was also an incident of him crying next to me while I slept, leaning into me and just sobbing, I was so tired I didn’t really acknowledge it.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Only to the severity of the affair. I’d suspected ‘cheating’ from the first time he had sex with her but I didn’t expect there to have been sex, I believed his initial kissing nonsense. I was naive and stupid then. Very innocent :(

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

All the classics, phone guarding constantly and constantly on it. An absolute change in behaviour towards me and the children (it was as though he’d been possessed), I even picked up on him smelling different but didn’t understand what that meant. My dream. Over buying me gifts for Valentine’s Day... ridiculous over buying.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

I saw all the signs, I knew.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Yes. In as much as I understand what ‘fog’ is. My husband has a highly addictive personality. I honestly believe he was totally addicted to the dopamine rushes he got from the affair. He couldn’t see the wood for the trees. He was so unwell physically from all of this he’d shake, he couldn’t sleep, he was in physical pain and there were occasions where he self harmed. The more he stayed in the affair the more his alcohol addiction took hold of him. I don’t feel sorry for him, he made his choices. I’m just acknowledging the self destructive nature of affairs when the WS considers themselves a ‘good’ person.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

I’d describe myself after dday as a ten, dreadfully traumatised. Highly anxious, hypervigilant, mind movies, raging, triggered easily BUT never depressed. I had two small children and they were what I battled every day for. I’m a year and a half out and I’m much better than I was. I can watch programmes with adultery in now and not trigger just comment objectively. I don’t think about it ALL the time. I don’t cry every day. But I think that’s helped by the fact my WH and I are separated. He is trying to become a healthier man for himself and his children. He’s working hard, he’s fighting his demons every day. Our separation has meant that I have had no expectations on him to help me heal, I’ve worked on myself.

Thinking back I believe some sort of sixth sense or intuition kicked in several months before D-day.

One day I began asking myself a question: What would I do if Mrs. 36 had an affair? I pondered that question for several weeks.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

Probably close to a year, although I would tell one friend about WH odd behavior and then laugh it off with a "But I know my husband would never cheat."

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Absolutly. I felt like my world was being sucked into black hole. I felt like I had been sucker punched. Like my whole relationship was a lie.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

He started locking his phone and taking it with him everywhere, even to the bathroom. He'd start closing windows on his phone and laptop when I'd walk by. He downloaded Snapchat and got defensive when I teased him about it. He began texting one phone number multiple times per day (I found this out right before the full discovery when I started having a strong suspicion.)

Also, I was really dumb and not only ignored my intuition, but that of TWO friends who told me they'd noticed my WH paying extra close attention to a friend's wife. I brushed it off and was irritated that they would even consider that my husband was doing something wrong. I was always his cheerleader.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

So many.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

He swears he never had sex, but not sure I believe that.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Yes.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

2000/10. My life hasn't been a smooth ride, but this is by far the most hurtful, vicious event that I've had to go through, a complete betrayal by the one person I thought wouldn't betray me.

[This message edited by adriverswife at 5:07 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I don't think I ever really suspected an affair, but I found myself checking the trash for condoms thinking I was crazy after she appeared one evening with OM carrying groceries, thinking I wasn't home.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

No, but I was very shocked.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

I can't say I had suspicions, but there were odd things. Most involved men and bars/alcohol. The situation in Q one. The day she said "Maybe both of us having a lover wouldn't be such a bad idea."

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

I see many more questionable things, and I continue to find more. I'll never know, but I'll hopefully learn to act on my intuition a little more next time.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

Yup.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Yup.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

Probably very close to 10. I started cutting myself. I began drinking excessively. I tried hanging myself once, and I apparently tried jumping in front of a car while drunk once. I felt like I had PTSD for a few months, which only started to fade once the divorce was finalized. I think it was getting divorced that hurt me the most, though all of it fucking sucks.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

On a conscious level 10 days. Subconsciously my gut was screaming at me since the beginning of the affair.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Totally blindsided. My husband would never do that kind of thing.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

For the 10 days prior to dday- one night he got into bed and told me tearfully that he feels like crying, he’s unhappy. I asked him if it’s me and he paused but then quickly denied it. That threw me in detective mode and pick me dance (I asked him what I can do to make him happy and he gave me a verbal list which I proceeded to tick as I thought that’s what people do, they work on their marriage when told something is wrong.)

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Looking back though there were lots of signs and my gut was screaming. Phone attached to him. Working extra, from home (they communicated from home on the company internal communication system), detachment. My gut had these instinctual reactions: as the affair started I told him we need to reconnect more now that the kids are older, I started ensuring we go out once a week, I had these moments when I would wonder if this is what long marriages look like, feeling apart even if you’re always together. I also remember the day he took off to spend with her under the excuse of going out with friends in the evening, he told me he took clothes changes with him and my brain went “that’s weird, a man thinking of clothes to change at work?” But I dismissed it. The same day I also got an out of office from him when I emailed something trivial and asked him “are you cheating on me?” I do think there a sixth sense or call it providence that was almost showing me how stupidly trusting I was.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Yes. He showed regret after dday 1 which I interpreted as remorse as it is such a fine line. I had dday 2 four months later as he kept in touch. During those 4 months I heard various reasons why the AP wasn’t to blame, how poor AP had such a tough life and although he loves me and chooses me she somehow deserved my compassion. Not in these words but leading to that.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

Well my trauma is off the scale. I lost 33 lbs in 3 weeks following dday, I started shaking, having panic and anxiety attacks, ptsd, suicidal thoughts etc. I’m now almost 2 years from dday and I still have the odd day when I get anxiety but the physical effects are still there in different forms: skin itchiness, detachment from the world (I constantly feel like I’m an actor playing a role in all areas of life) and most recently excruciating stomach pain.

Before I answer your questions, understand that the symptoms ofmy W's A were also symptoms of being over-committed to her work, and that's what I thought I was dealing with.

IMO, there never was an EA. It was just a sick relationship from the start.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair? 4.5 months, when they first did something sexual.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard? Yes and no. I had asked if she was in an A earlier, and she denied it. We had discussed gay sex long before, and she had declared she was straight. Sex with that specific ow was a major violation of all sorts of codes of ethics she had agreed to live by. She didn't seem to have any time for sex with anybody but ow. All in all, as I wrote, I thought she was over-committed to her work.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair? texting, out all night twice, physical symptoms, life focused on ow....

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair? NA

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI? Well, she was definitely in a fog - that is, out of touch with reality - during her A. She was largely out of it by d-day, but there were at least 2 residuals.

First, it took months for her to realize she just had a run-o-the-mill A; until then, she thought she was 'saving a life.' Second, although she acted remorseful, she says she didn't start to feel remorseful for at least 5 months. In her case, the behavior became self-perpetuating.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond? I have no answer to that question. I hurt as much as I hurt. I don't see a point in comparing traumas, especially since the brain tends to forget pain, if it can.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:49 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I didn't suspect anything. Thought he would never cheat.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Yes completely.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

I did notice him mentioning her name more in the weeks leading up to it, which looking back now was pretty suspicious, but I didn't think it would lead to what it did.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Having read so many stories on here now and researched infidelity to the degree I have, yes there were signs. But hindsight is always 20/20.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

I don't know for sure 100%, but I have strong suspicions that he might have.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

If by fog you mean having his head so far up his own ass that he doesn't know which way is up... then yes, absolutely. And far as I can tell, has decided to move into the fog and inhabit it now. Like a fucking pod person.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

Infinity. This is the worst pain I have ever had in my life. Honestly, I would have been easier for me if he had died.

I knew right away — six weeks before it ever became physical. My husband’s EA had started (even though he won’t admit as much, but says they had begun talking a month or two earlier). His transformation was DRAMATIC. A complete 180 only a fool could miss. He actually came home and said “I feel no more for you than a stranger in a bus shelter,” when 3 months earlier I was still “his wife, his life.” It was horrifyingly blindsiding, but that first day I asked him “who is she”? He denied there being anyone else, of course. Continued to deny it for the next six months, even when I point-blank asked him if he was cheating or if he was in love with someone else. Even after a I found the condoms and viagra in his bag. Bold-faced lie. So I hired a PI and had all my answers within days. My intuition was right from the beginning. The gaslighting and lying is so gross.

No sex in the marital bed or home — we have a live-in nanny and three small kids — there would not have been any opportunity for him to bring the horrible MOW into my home (thank God).

And yes — my husband was in the fog for months after Dday. He was up and down like a yo-yo. One minute he was pounding his chest declaring his undying love for me, and then next he’d be tearfully saying he had had “feelings of love” for this other woman. IT WAS HORRIFIC. I think they say the fog lasts about half the time of the actual affair, and I think that was accurate in my case. I discovered the affair on June 24. By September he was whisking me and the kids away for a trip to Florida, and panicking and worrying I was going to leave him and find another man and begging to be allowed to love me.

On a scale of 1-10 — my trauma was and is a 10. I woke screaming from nightmares several times a week, I dropped 22 lbs (and I’m tiny to begin with, so my colleagues were really fretful). I did EMDR, was diagnosed formally with PTSD and had to do a 9-week intensive last year. It’s 26 months now, and I still think about the affair constantly. It is actually a curse, frankly, and I wonder if I made a mistake going off the Prozac (but I hated the side effects, because I gained 9 lbs and felt like a zombie who needed to sleep all the time). My husband was also EXTREMELY abusive during his affair (turns out he was diagnosed as having been psychotic at the time) so I can’t rid my mind of the evil he perpetrated, videotaping us when sexually intimate and making faces of rage at the hidden camera, constantly trying to hurt and demean me, following me around for hours on end trying to tell all the ways in which I’d abused him until I’d vomit and he’d laugh over my shoulder, etc, etc. It was all very sick and twisted.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

At the beginning of the EA (2 1/2 years) we had an argument and he mentioned someone he met, a new friend. I asked to meet her - he said no. I asked him to stop seeing her - he said no. (I hadn't found SI yet so I did the pick me dance). After a few months, he said he hadn't even seen her for a month or two (semantics - I'm sure they were still texting/phone calls) so I thought it was done. After 2 1/2 years when he told it turned to a PA, I had no idea.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard? Yes

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair? After he said he hadn't seen her, there were signs. He changed the password on his phone and would become irate if I ever even touched his phone. He was always yelling and cursing at me, I couldn't do anything right, everything was my fault, I was to blame for everything. He was never home - always out. No sex. Stopped kissing me goodnight (since he took a shower first usually, he would say my mouth was "dirty" and he couldn't kiss me). Rarely had any conversation with me unless it was necessary. Lots of crap like that.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair? I see even more when I think about it now.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed? Claims no - only in AP's marital bed.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI? Yes - still is to a point. I mention conversations we had (including the first one where he refused to stop seeing her or let me meet her) and he claims to have no memory of it. Doesn't remember a lot of things he told me.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond? How high can you count? I was married before and cheated on, so this was something that I was 100% certain he would never do. I was sure before we got married that it wasn't even an option. Guess I was wrong.

1). 2 hours. I was blindsided by an incriminating text that bubbled up on her phone while she was in the shower. Until then, I had zero clue. In hindsight, there were a few clues but, nothing incriminating that a trusting spouse in a seemingly healthy relationship would notice. It’s not like I wasn’t paying attention.

2). I was absolutely caught off guard.

3). No suspicions prior to DD.

4). No distinct signs. She, SHE began prioritizing kids, kids activities, work and friends over our relationship in spite of my protests. It was as if she created a “growing apart” situation that then fostered her affair.

5). No. If she did, I would have divorced her on the spot.

6). No. No fog. She maintained good NC. If she was foggy, I would’ve divorced her on the spot. I personally don’t believe in reconciling with foggy WS’s.

7). 9/10 scale. I’m still-six year’s later, pretty scarred. I’m happily remarried to someone who was also cheated on and understands-even appreciates, my new found hyper-vigilance and strict boundaries. The affair heavily damaged my career, our family, retirement, finances, relationships and reputation in town.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

Off & on for 6 years but for the most part I always figured I was crazy to think such a thing. I couldn't imagine her cheating with my brother. Early on there was one frantic interrogation but both of them adeptly gaslighted me.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Yes & no. I had put suspicions to bed when in April 2014 her ex-bff threw her under the bus via e-mail. When I confronted her I got denials, then a few days later a list of a few things she'd been hiding from me, all downplayed and one being flirting with my brother, which she said had ended some time ago. After gentle prodding for a few months she confessed to having an affair with my him. Much TT ensued.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

Physical changes, being extremely distant at times, then a total lack of interest in sex about 7 months before that email came.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Yes. I took them in stride at the time, thinking I was nuts to suspect her. Then right after D-Day it all made sense. I was such an idiot.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

Yes. My brother and later her final fling.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Very briefly. She came clean about an alcohol and weed addiction 5 days after confessing. That bottom helped bring her out if the fog in a big way.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

15. After about 2 years maybe a 10. It's gotten better since.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

End of September I started suspecting an EA. Thanksgiving morning he admitted a PA.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard? 

Yes and no. He had just started a new job, with a party culture that went with it (always drinks after work, someone throwing a party, going out for a coworkers birthday, parties at local bars for holidays, etc.) and we had JUST had a baby that I was pretty much on call with 24/7, because he was either working or "needed his rest because he had work the next day" , so I knew things were off. However, we were still having sex regularly, and it was good sex, so I really didn't think he would risk losing me and what we had by going somewhere else.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

He put a password on his phone. Eight years together, and he never needed one before. He gave some lame excuse about how with the new job in law enforcement he needed to make sure his phone was protected, too, in case he lost it. And if I needed to see anything on it or use his phone, I could just ask and he would unlock it.

So... weird. But he said if I needed to use his phone, he would unlock it for me, so... I guess... since I couls trust my husband... it kind of made sense?

Then he added his AP on facebook and instagram, meanwhile he had always kept his social media accounts and work life completely separate. Why would he suddenly add this woman? A look at her SM accounts didn't make it seem like they had anything in common? And now he was claiming she was just a friend (those three fucking words! I swear, knowing what I know now, anyone that uses the phrase "just a friend," to describe someone is 100% having an affair with them). But she was not pretty and older than him, so I didn't think he would really be interested in her.

And then came the text notifications with "I miss yous" and heart emojis. He insisted everyone at work talked like that because they were all so close.

Yeah. After that I was convinced there was an EA going on, but WH lied, denied and gaslit me so hard I legitimately thought I was losing my mind and maybe seeing things that weren't there.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

I was honestly just so exhausted and stuck in the newborn fog of waking up and nursing every two hours that it's all a blur.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No. They went to her house or she paid for hotels near work.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI? 

Yeah. For me, the fog isn't that you don't know what you're doing is wrong. It was talking to a crazy person. It was dealing with someone who was getting into bar fights and trying to buy cocaine and then WHIPPING OUT HIS BADGE AND THREATENING TO ARREST SOMEONE FOR ASSAULTING AN OFFICER (him), and then telling the story the next day and thinking it was hilarious. It was when we were separated and negotiating child support and he thought I would agree to less than half of what I was legally guaranteed to receive, because he "talked to lots of women and they all receive $600/month in child support." It was when he asked me in one breath if I minded keeping the kids during his time so he could go on vacation with his AP (sure) and in thr next breath said that money was really tight that month and he didn't know if he could afford child & spousal support (uh, no. Not when you just brought up going on vacation, dummy.) When I think of the affair fog, it's when waywards convince themselves that unicorns are going to fly down from the heavens to marry them to their AP and their betrayed ex-spouse is going to be at the wedding and their kids are going to be so happy because they're marrying their AP and look! Unicorns!

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond? 

10. I lost 30lbs. I'm 5'7" and was down to 113. I looked emaciated. People kept asking me if I was sick. I literally cried for hours everyday when my oldest was at school. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I did the bare minimum to function for my kids. My oldest was always worried about me and asking what was wrong. I started cutting myself again. I was struggling to get out of bed. I was perpetually in a fog and would lose my train of thought midsentence. It was awful. Without a doubt, the lowest few months of my entire life.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 8:14 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

Didn't suspect an affair.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Blind sided.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

N/A

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Oh, yeah, big time. I don't know how I missed the red flags flying except to say that I totally trusted MY HUSBAND. Fucking ay! If you can't trust your husband or wife who can you trust?

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

He said he did not. I tend to believe that as he really tried to keep his LTA compartmentalized. Both in his mind and physically.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

No. Not that I am aware of. He ended the LTA 4 years before d-day. He was selfish for many years. Whilst he was having his LTA I realize he was a selfish asshole. After ending his LTA he went back to just being regular selfish for the most part. Regular for him, there is no "regular" selfish.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

10+. I was in shock and denial for months. I have actually no memory of most of the summer (2 months post d-ay). Apparently, I did stuff with friends most weekends. I don't remember that. They will say when we went here or did this, I am puzzled. I didn't do those things. But, I did. Just gone, totally blank. I had several traumas in the couple of years leading up to d-day. I feel like this was the trauma that broke me, but I will also say it wasn't the worst trauma I have experienced.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

Oh, about 10 years. I’ve suspected for a long time now that he was cheating on me but could never prove it, and of course he denied it.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Even though I suspected it yes, it still shocked me that he had actually done it.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

Keeping his phone guarded at all times, lots of typing on his phone, disappearing at work (we work at the same company), falling asleep really early all the time, closing out of apps quickly if I caught a glance, long bathroom trips, ultimately no interest in sex, no interest in talking to me, acted like I annoyed him, etc.

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

Now looking back I realize I should have pushed more and trusted myself that I wasn’t just being silly.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

He got hard and pretty sure jerked off right next to me to other women. No sex that I’m aware of, but this still sucks.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Not a fog, necessarily, but lots of trickle truth. He never came clean about the extent of it on his own. It was over several weeks that I found out about everything on my own. That still really bugs me. It was like multiple ddays and honestly really has made this a lot worse than if he had just been honest. Now I have trouble believing anything he says.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

I don’t know. As far as I know there was no actual sex involved. That would have made it worse for me. Each woman brings different emotions, even though they all piss me off and hurt me. One in particular is the worst, the first EA, and that’s the one that traumatizes me the most due to what was said and the timing of it. I would say that one is a solid 9 at least. I hate to say 10 because I know it could have been worse. I’ll say though this is the absolutely worst pain I’ve ever had in my entire life.

1.) How long before D-day did you suspect an affair?

I had no clue. Blissful ignorance.

2.) Were you initially caught off guard?

Was I ever. Floored. You might even say it felt like I got walloped on the head with a 2x4.

3.) If you had suspicions prior to D-day, what were signs that led you to believe your WS was having an affair?

N/A

4.) If you didn’t have suspicions, looking back from D-day do you now see any of the signs of an affair?

No. I did the whole “how could I have missed this?” introspection and still couldn’t find anything. I trusted implicitly.

5.) Did your WS have sex in the marital bed?

No. I don’t know if I could have recovered if she had.

6.) Did your WS show signs of being in the “fog” so often mentioned on SI?

Yes. Fantasy world during the A and even after DDay it took a while for her to fully wake up.

7.) On a scale of one to ten, how traumatized were you on D-day and beyond?

No clue about a scale, but it’s been 4 years, our lives were turned upside down, I was in therapy for a long time, marriage counseling, dealing with my older kids knowing, etc.

So basically FUBAR.