SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now THIS ^ is the kind of A closure I appreciate!

The movie Unfaithul, while probably trigger inducing to many here, is spot on. They pretty much nailed everything in it. Including the woman enjoying the affair. Which is more honest than what we see here, to be honest. WW, WH here are doing damage control, let's face it. We don't get them mid affair.

Also the BH, Richard Gere, was not portrayed as being at fault. And the AP was a serial adulterer.

To the original point, sometimes it's a question of framing. The manosphere talks about frame all the time, mainly getting people to view the world through your (biased) eyes.

I read one of those relationship books during my separation, don't remember which. Concluded that I was putting more in to the marriage than my ex. Ex really slacked off towards the end. I could have cheated. Chose not to.

Many people say “how could you not know” as though after the infidelity occurs the cheater comes home with a big red A on their chest. Please!!!!!

You don’t know. It’s that well hidden. Period.

I think that loving your spouse has NOTHING to do with them having an Affair. I was a really good wife. I hardly nagged. Supported him. Blah blah blah. He still cheated.

I love the Ozark reference. Great show. Jason Bateman keeps her off-balance. Love it.

They pretty much nailed everything in it. Including the woman enjoying the affair. Which is more honest than what we see here, to be honest.

Absolutely.

Because Hollywood can be trusted.

For sure.

Put it in animal terms.

Why would you expect that a loving dog, that you have had for years, that plays with your kids, would suddenly turn and bite you? With no warning? No rabies?

Of course you would be blindsided.

“Your wife had an affair with your boss for a year and you didn’t notice. How much could you possibly have loved her.”

How about "I loved her enough to trust her, now it seems that was the wrong thing for me to do."

I remember watching this movie with my FWH...I remember we both thought it was typical Hollywood...but correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't Tina Fey sleep with the neighbor guy across the street? And it was treated like that's ok? And she was married?!

Hollywood is dumb even though all the tabloids happily follow them on their own adultery adventures

Thanks for the warning. I will not be watching this movie.

But yes, I was also blindsided. My Ex WH was a pro at lying and compartmentalizing. I have had people say to me “well you had to know. You just didn’t want to deal with it.” Of course they say this to assure themselves that they would know if their spouse was cheating.

The truth is, with cell phones and social media, cheating is so easy and very easy to hide. And when you trust your spouse, you have no reason to spy on them. I also had a friend of a friend (a widow) say to me, “oh your husband cheated? Well then you never had sex with him. If you had sex he would never cheat.” I burst out laughing and said “surely you don’t actually believe that!” She also said to me another time, “well you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never had someone who loved you.” I looked at her, and she said “well your husband never really loved you or he wouldn’t have cheated.” She said her husband never considered cheating on her. I told her that I would’ve said the same thing about mine, and I hope she’s right about her husband. People do say ridiculous things!

Oh yea and then Jane Fonda comes out of the closet gotta love hollywood! They all live happily ever after!

But, see, I DID know. I just didn’t KNOW that I knew. For a year something was slightly off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Cheating would’ve been the LAST thing I thought because he would never do that to me. Looking back, I did know.

My husband chased after his girlfriend for a year. At first, he “mentioned her” a few more times than I was comfortable with but it still wasn’t enough to really snag my attention. After that, it was just so subtle.

I loved him but did I take my marriage for granted to have not recognized it? I don’t know.

The movie that is gut-wrenching for me is “Love, Actually.” That scene brings me to the depths Every. Single. Time.

See, the nonsense Lifetime-like drivel such as Jane Fonda coming out or Tina Fey hooking up with her childhood love, is typical Hollywood “following your heart trumps everything no matter who gets hurt in the process” and is therefore easy to roll your eyes and write off as the garbage it is.

But the assumption that’s stated as fact, that it’s somehow the BS’s fault and if only he did X, or the fact that he didn’t notice means Y, just got to me. As I said, I know I shouldn’t have expected anything from a movie. I guess my thought was that BS’s in general go through a whole self-doubt period where they second guess themselves and go through this exact mistaken train of thought. And it takes a long time to truly understand that the A is completely on the WS, so to have this stated as fact as if it’s 100% true, just really got to me.

Most of us take for granted that we can trust those we love. Being in love means giving all of yourself that one person, without question or reservation. You would give your life for them and they for you.

To have them do something that is akin to violence, in someways, worse than violence, is not in our universe.

God has joined us together and made us one. Trust is implicit.

Of course that is the ideal. The reality is "Trust, but verify."

The trust we put in our wives is like that to which we give to our mothers. Unfortunately, some mothers betray their own children. In fact, an adulterer not only betrays their spouse, they betray their children also.

And, it is a sin against God.

[edit political reference]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:56 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Total crap, Walloped. You love and trust. Even if you're somewhat suspicious it seems inconceivable because you love and trust.

I haven't seen the movie but after wading through some of the clips available on YT I think I get the general idea. Two reactions: first, to the OP's question - of course being blindsided doesn't mean you didn't love your spouse, or that you were out of touch, or anything else. If there is anything to be learned from SI it is that cheating is what cheaters do. It is not about what their spouses make them do. That's the important fact; all else is commentary.

Second, with respect to the movie: movies are products produced by companies who want to make a profit. Casting, writing, everything are done with the goal of maximizing profit. The sort-of-reconciliation scene in this movie was, I'm sure, focus-grouped and tested and carefully sculpted to appeal to whatever demographic the studio was hoping to sell the thing to. It's not intended to depict any sort of reality, other than the reality that some people will pay good money to see this sort of stuff.

But, see, I DID know. I just didn’t KNOW that I knew. For a year something was slightly off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Cheating would’ve been the LAST thing I thought because he would never do that to me. Looking back, I did know.

Same here. I knew something was profoundly off and believed him when he said he was battling depression. A person going through depression and a person discarding you look amazingly similar, apparently.

No one whom I've told has reacted with anything but shock. "No, he wouldn't do that. How do you know? He couldn't have done that. Are you sure?". That makes me feel weirdly better.

This thread has been enlightening because I didn't even realize I was still holding myths about infidelity. I guess we all come here shaded in our own experiences. I talked to H about this last night, and referenced that he knew there was such changed behavior that he would have figured it out. He disagreed too. He said the same thing walloped did - that he knew something was really, really wrong. He thought I had the onset of a mental illness. That's how much he really wouldn't have guessed it was an affair. I learned a lot from this thread. Thanks Walloped.

The movie Unfaithul, while probably trigger inducing to many here, is spot on. They pretty much nailed everything in it. Including the woman enjoying the affair. Which is more honest than what we see here, to be honest. WW, WH here are doing damage control, let's face it. We don't get them mid affair.

Also the BH, Richard Gere, was not portrayed as being at fault. And the AP was a serial adulterer.

Striver, this is the movie that immediately came to my mind. She meets the guy, could have walked away but then she is drawn to the excitement. Im surprised they didnt do a sequel with the way it ended.

She meets the guy, could have walked away but then she is drawn to the excitement

There actually was a scene at the end of her visualizing just smiling at her AP, but not pursuing the relationship. None of destruction that transpired after ever-would have happened.

I think that many remorseful WS probably have this same thought. I know my EX did. Like Diane Lanes character, her choice destroyed the happy life we had. She lives with this terrible thought every day.

Walloped, I agree with your "re-write".

I knew there were problems in my M (they exist in all of them). However, my XWW wouldn't talk to me about how she felt. As with you and many others, I never would have thought she would cheat. I thought she had morals. I thought she would honor her vows. I didn't know she was such a good liar. All things that the BS character could have related to his sister.

Our first MC got in my face and raised her voice at me telling me I had missed all the signs, I should have known what was going on for the year WH had his A. This was within the first month or so after Dday.

It really messed me up until I had to distance myself and see that there was no way I could have known what was going on while I was sleeping, at work or in anther room.

It's amazing time misconceptions that people have and that they confine to push.