BW here, who is a few months shy of 2 yrs and has WH that has not gotten to "R material", so take whatever grains of salt….
I want to echo the others that say something just changes for us, and changes in ways I'm not sure we ever get back. After dday we HAVE to build walls to protect ourselves, to lick our wounds, to figure out what the fuck happened to our lives - how and why they were imploded (by the person who was supposed to love us and be "safe" ), and then how we can heal and relate to the massive change.... to the person we are now and the person we now know our WS to be. Then with time (and I think this applies whether R or D or S, or even in limbo, depending on the pace of healing) we have to start dismantling the very wall that was once so necessary. Personally, I don't think I will EVER go back to zero wall when it comes to my WH, or any romantic partner for that matter. I don't see a time when my lizard brain would allow that to happen, as much as my executive brain may tell me it's OK. The trauma just reaches too damn deep. I think Zug’s post kind of hits on this.
It's like the WS and BS spent their entire relationship focused on doubles tennis as their shared hobby. The A and dday basically fractures the BS' elbow. The BS can do every damn thing right to heal: surgery, physical therapy, wear a brace, etc. The good news is they can still play tennis. And even better they can still play with their WS - the one that went all Tonya Harding and fractured the elbow. But even with all that work, their backhand may simply never be the same. There may be days or moments when the conditions are just right to hit the ball like they used to... but that is now the exception, and not the rule.
When one doubles player’s backhand is compromised, the game will never be the same as it was before the fracture. The players need to recognize and respect the weakness, and figure out where to find other strengths to make the game work – or be enjoyable - for both. And maybe it just won’t.
It’s not lacking as much as it is one sided. I think for our M to really grow we need to both work toward our emotional relationship. It should be both of us. And the same with sex. We were pretty even about this before my A, so I can’t help but assume it’s connected. I know, d-uh, right? But should I just assume this is the M we’ll have?
Whatever things were before the A seems to me like an unfair “baseline”. That M is dead. So, there's something about even referring to the "before" M that can hit a BS a bit askew (using the elbow analogy, it's like saying his backhand used to be awesome, when you know that well working elbow is no more).
I guess I’m kind of confused about why this is bothering you – or how this came to be. For instance, my reading of this thread (and hopefully I’m not missing something) sounds like you NOW want him to initiate sex. That he hasn’t done that since dday, but you now desire it. OK, then ask him. At this point I’d be shocked if you hadn’t worked on the “I feel” statements of basic communicating 101. So why is sharing your feelings (ie “I feel X” or “I want Y” ) somehow “forcing” anything? I honestly feel kind of dense here, as anyone sharing their feelings (or wants or needs) with their spouse is kind of a duh! thing (and I say that about my own WH, even tho we are S). So, I guess I'm wondering why the reluctance to share YOUR needs or wants? Why is that framed as "forcing"?
Is it possible that it's not your needs/wants that's bothering you - but the fear that stems from your sense that he's distant? That he's not telling you what's in his head - or rather, the fear about the story you are telling yourself about what's going on in his head?
Finally, what if this IS the “M we’ll have”? Is that a dealbreaker for you? Is that part of the fear?
Again, I'm not even 2yrs out and S, so grain of salt away, just my random thoughts while procrastinating on other stuff :)