to sisoon
Gently, Jerry, speak for yourself. Write 'I' instead of 'men' or 'we', write 'me' instead of 'us', etc
thanks for that, i totally agree
to StrugglingCJ
To me sex is important part in most relationships, it helps you bond, it helps you de stress, and with the right person it feels great all the time..whether its a quickie or a long drawn out time.
Unfortunately for me my WW changed our dynamic by going elsewhere for sex..which for me meant i now question if she actually enjoys it.
i still wonder what she truly thinks about our sex life.. She may say she is happy with it.. Unfortunately i still dont trust her..
you and I are similar. Sometimes, to get out of this self-doubt, I force myself to think that my wife's biology and sex values are different to mine, and that is something I cant do anything about it, I cant force her to think or value the same thing like me. It helps me in my most painful moment, at least numb the pain, but it cant kill the pain, because it is NOT the answer for the doubt, because the doubt and the pain still exist. So what will be the HELP that my wife can give me to get me through this nightmare (if she is truly remorseful and finally realise her love for me and the family now) is to change her values in sex. But then how do you change it biologically (if it is biologically different?
Then I read Humbled123 post.
to Humbled123: My DDay was 23/05/2017, 3 days after she left for business trip. Her schedule was to come back home on 30/05/2017 so we can prepare for our daughter birthday which is 02/06. Too bad for me, she came back telling me about the affair and wanted to separate. She still stayed for the daughter's birthday but then LEFT again, travelled overseas to that guy with the hope that he would take her (she applied for a job in that country), leaving behind her kids (and that's what I still cant forgive her until now. Me yes she can hate/be sick of me to the gut but why her kids? She carried those 2 beautiful angels in her womb for 9 whole months, went through all the pain to give them life, is that MOTHERHOOD God's gift while FATHERHOOD need bonding time). It was the AP who gave her the finger, telling her straight to her face that he wanted no commitment to her at all, that no man would say no to free sex (of course, my wife travelled there to be with him), but he would not take a cheated woman seriously ever. Then she came back to us, and we took her back.
Dont know why i tell the story, but to answer your question, i am 3 years post D-Day, and I am exactly what you said: TO LIVE WITH IT. Its not like one foot in and one foot out, or keep myself opened for other women, but I simply feel that I WILL NOT BE THAT PAINFUL ANYMORE, even in the case that she does it again.
I believe in Karma, not that I want bad things happen to her, but I believe that if I do the good deed then my kids wont have to go through the same pain that I've been through. I asked my wife a question: Imagine one day our son came to you crying, telling you his wife cheated on him. Are you gonna be in pain? I dont want that happen so I wont do anything that can CONTRIBUTE to that.
Now come back to SEX, because it is the main topic of this thread. I (not us men, thanks to sisoon) believe that SEX is ONE OF the main factors for cheating. Hikingout you said that the MAIN reason was "really wanting to be someone I wasn't", so what EXACTLY was THAT SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO BE at that time, so you had to go with the affair?
THAT SOMEONE would do crazy things yes? Says you made investment decisions that you wouldnt do in normal situations, bought ridiculously expensive things, quit your jobs and apply for a job that you always wanted... etc, then BANG, HAD SEX with another man, WHY? Why does it HAD to be having sex with another man, may be doing some weird position that you had never done...?
My thinking is this, it must have been a Main Factor, because my wife didnt feel like it anymore with me, our VALUES in SEX are different, we cant have the same value that Humbled123 described, ONLY YOU CAN MAKE ME WANT TO DO IT, YOU ARE THE ONE THAT I ONE. We married for 10 years, same guy, no more thrill for her. He still shows me he loves me no matter what I do, whatever I wear. Am I still attractive? Hey, it COULD BE BETTER WITH ANOTHER GUY.
And that, as I said above, is the main reason for my doubt. AM I THE ONLY ONE NOW THAT YOU REALISED AFTER TRYING WITH ANOTHER GUY?
I told my wife that if she ever have the feeling with another guy, please tell me, we divorce, prepare our kids, they she can TRY with whoever she wants to try. Because my kids, even though they were only 6 and 4 on D-Day, could feel that something was wrong, they cried and they cried and they were miserable. At least do the right thing by divorcing if she absolutely knows I am not the one.