SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When wh and I were dating there were no commitments, no worries, no Bill's, no kids.

We were five times a day starting out. I literally sent him to the doctor because the skin was rubbing off. No way either one of us could've sustained that. I remember early on in our marriage where he complained that he "wasn't just a sex toy".

Of course, life happens and you expect your mate to be attuned to it, aware. Instead, you get stupid shit like "I'm NOT living my life like a fucking monk!". Yeah? Up yours then, pal. Jump if you feel froggy. No one is going to treat me like a hole and then get rewarded for it. Clearly at that point his orgasm is a greater priority than my love. He feels gypped because he's only allowed to shop at one store, but he's shown me that I am NOT a priority for him as a person. The priority is only selected bits of me.

We're actually IN such a stalemate now. He's allowed the emotional intimacy of the relationship to lapse and I'm not budging. If he wants out, fine. He shouldn't let the door hit him in the ass. I am not going to put up with a man who won't talk to me and who will not address the way his constant bitching and negativity are a drag on our homelife like a stormcloud following him from room to room. And no, this was BEFORE the sex dried up and WHY the sex dried up. A petulant man is NOT sexy and if he was single and acted that way with other women, he wouldn't be getting sex from them either, not unless he PAID for it. I've talked. I've told him what it's going to take... but he'd apparently rather do without than to do the work of restoring emotional intimacy. And I've learned to let him carry his own bags.

I've already dealt with ending the marriage in emotional terms. After eveything he's already put me through, I'm not going to settle for less than I deserve. If he wants a loving, sexual relationship with me, he's going to maintain emotional intimacy with me. He's going to be open and honest, and when a problem is pointed out to him, he's going to react without defensiveness. Otherwise, he can pout and stew or leave. If he cheats again, he's done.

CT, usually your posts are full of empathy and situational awareness (and in my constant quest of learning English, I pay attention to what you write and how your write ), but this time, it looks like this topic struck a nerve... ?

I don’t want to sound cynical, it’s a serious question. have you considered D? Why stay in such an unhappy marriage?

We have 4 daughters, and our sex life has never let up. Even when we had a baby, a 4 yr old, a 12 yr old and a 16 yr old, my wife still just absolutely destroyed me sexually. Sure, there were a lot of "We have to wait for x" scenarios, but while waiting, the "games" we played to build up the sexual tension made it even more awesome.

I'm not unhappy. I'm no longer reliant upon other people for my sense of contentment. If my WH wants an intimate relationship with me, he'll make the changes necessary... and if so, that'll be nice. But it's just extra in my life at this point. It's gravy, not meat.

when a spouse says providing sex is not my problem.

that is the problem.

you do not marry if you do not want sex.

one does not marry someone that wants sex once a month when

they want it thirty times a month.

withholding sex because you are mad is wrong.

if there are issues, talk them out, refusing sex does not solve

any problems.

Ya well having kids killed the sex we had than before we had kids. I would never recommend co sleeping. Ever... dd slept with us from the time she was out of the bassinet until the summer before junior kindergarten. It was either really quick and quiet with her moved off to the side or having the in laws watch her while we snuck off for a "date" which usually meant a car session. Funny enough most of those times resulted in us catching up on sleep...

Of course wh was already neck deep into affair number one at that point.

It also didn't help having a sick child on a monitor to make sure she was still breathing. I didn't sleep much at all those early years. And that didn't help with having the energy or desire for aex.

one does not marry someone that wants sex once a month when

they want it thirty times a month.

How is this sort of scenario not obvious prior to getting married???

I was fully aware of all of my partners sexual needs way before marriage came into play...and is the reason I didn't marry any of them.

Edited because my phone keeps changing HOW to HOE. DS...

[This message edited by DragnHeart at 8:28 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

withholding sex because you are mad is wrong.

Why? Why is it wrong to NOT allow yourself to be treated with disrespect?

Believe me, I tried it your way for 30 years. Got cheated on anyway. I bought into the whole notion of "if he's not getting it at home, he's getting it elsewhere", so he got it on the regular, albeit not as much some times as others. The fact is that HE is the one who was boring. PE for most of our marriage and the same old moves. Don't get me wrong, he's not bad in the sack, but like most men, he's not as good as he thinks he is either. And like most men, he felt like because this was the only store he was allowed to shop in, he didn't have to put in the kind of effort that would be necessitated with other women. But I've seen the kind of effort he's capable of, and these days I won't settle for less. These days, I'd rather do without than have bad sex, and for me, the sex is bad if there's no emotional intimacy. I don't feel the least bit guilty about it either.

ETA: You don't have to feel sorry for him. He KNOWS how to get sex. Believe me, I've seen him in action. He's just too goddam stubborn to do it and doesn't want to admit he's WRONG for shutting me down this past year or so.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:43 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

I personally think there is a huge difference between asking a man to put in the effort in order to still make you feel desired in order to have sex (and build emotional intimacy and help around the house etc) and shutting down shop as a punishment.

One scenario opens communication and works on the martial ups and downs. The other is passive aggressive behaviour.

OP stated it wasn’t her responsibility to offer sexual satisfaction in marriage. Who’s responsibility is it then? Next door neighbour? OP didn’t claim “I don’t feel like my WH listened to what I told him I needed in order to create sexual satisfaction in marriage”. No. She clearly said shutting shop was the way to go and the husband can go fuck himself (literally).

Ensuring sexual satisfaction in marriage is the responsibility of both partners. He can ask. OP could have said “sure x y and z needs to happen”. There’s also compromise on what is a healthy sexual boundary for each partner.

I see that CT explained to her WH what needs to happen in order to have sexual satisfaction. I don’t see it as punishment I see it factual: I for one cannot have sex with a man if he treats me as invisible for the whole day and then expects sex at bedtime. (I’m not saying that’s CT’s issue). Not having sex in this scenario isn’t punishment, it’s cause and effect.

I strongly believe sex life can be maintained to high levels (even if not that exciting as before marriage) with effort and communication.

In the original post I can’t see neither communication nor willingness to put the work.

disclaimer yet again: there is no excuse for cheating, not even a dead bedroom, divorce is the only option

I am a woman who was on the receiving end of a dead bedroom for YEARS. We’re talking a 1-2 times a month at the most. Sometime 3 months would go by before we’d finally have sex, and it was always lacking for me. Guess who cheated?

Now, we are a pretty rare pair. I can have sex even when I’m not having my emotional needs met, or there are other issues in our marriage. He cannot. When things got really bad in our marriage, a little while before his A, his healthy 29 year old self was unable to keep an erection. Want to know how that feels as a 28 year old woman?? Pretty damn crappy. Of course SO much could have been resolved if we just communicated like GD adults, but we were both stupid and stubborn. I did threaten to divorce him many times. It was more manipulative than it was communicating this wasn’t something I could tolerate long term. That obviously didn’t help the issue. Then comes OW more than willing to kiss his ass, and well, you know what happened.

I changed my behavior (I really was a bitch) he ended his A unbeknownst to me. A year later we finally talk about our issues in the bedroom. I learn what he needs, and he learns what I need. Our sex life was amazing up until d-day. Took a hit at first obviously, but then it’s gotten to where it’s better than ever before. We got even more honest about our desires and needs, because there just isn’t room for pussyfooting around after the revelation of an A.

Going back to a dead bedroom isn’t an option for me, especially now. So I get the no sex being a marriage killer, I do. It should be discussed in a healthy and honest way with some give and take for both people. Sometimes the lack of sexual compatibility is too great to overcome.

My super honest thoughts, if someone isn’t wanting to have sex, there’s usually a deeper reason, because sex is awesome! Maybe he is not preheating the oven before sticking in the pie? That should be discussed. Maybe your emotional needs aren’t being met? Should be discussed. Maybe that’s the only time he is showing physical affection, and you need more? Discuss it. Perhaps he hasn’t mastered how to make it an enjoyable experience for you? Tell him! More than anything I believe lack of communication is the largest threat to a marriage.

Whatslove,

Idk if sex just isn't a necessity to me but I personally do not think it's my responsibility to make sure my partner is sexually satisfied.

Using sex as a weapon or just withholding sex in your marriage is no better than him cheating.

Not sure what you think is going to come out of this that will be good for you. Because nothing will. Right now you are headed straight to divorce. Not because of his cheating - because of your attitude about sex.

So - if you don't feel like you need to have sex with your partner - why are you complaining about him cheating? You do not want to have sex with him - why can't he go somewhere else to get it?

We are NOT put on this earth to fulfill the "needs" of others. This concept of "unmet needs" was popular pop-psy in past generations and it still clings today like a foul odor. The truth though is that as adult human beings we are completely capable of getting our own needs met. We can (and should) be self-fruitful in terms of our emotional contentment. We weren't born in pairs, only half a person without the other. We are whole unto ourselves. If a person wants a committed relationship *and* plenty of sex, they WORK to achieve it. They keep that relationship healthy as a priority and when problems arise (as they will), they problem-solve them together. If the relationship still isn't working no matter what they do, they make the honorable choice to end it, even if that choice means enduring some difficulties. They don't cheat. They move on.

"Needs." I don't know how, or why, the concepts of "need" and "desire" have become so blurred in our contemporary society.

We only need a few things in life: food and water; clothing and shelter; a good education and a healthy philosophy. Beyond that, everything else is a desire. The moment we start to confuse "needs" with "desires" is the moment we begin to feel entitled to whatever the fuck we want.

You're married. Sex is part of the deal. If you take it off the table, you're betraying your vows just the same as someone who cheats is. You don't get to cite "forsaking all others" but ignore "to have and to hold". I don't feel much sympathy for people who expect monogamy, impose celibacy (or near enough to it), and then get cheated on. If you expect to be the only person he has sex with, you don't get to take up the attitude that his sexual needs are none of your responsibility. That's just dumb.

This post reads as if it was written by a wayward husband. You've come dangerously close to justifying infidelity. I'm sure that wasn't your intent. Being in a sexless marriage certainly sucks, but it's not a justification to get one's "sexual needs," or any other "need," fulfilled elsewhere.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:26 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]

OP hasn't returned to clarify some things.

What does she mean by threatening?

What was their sex life like before the baby?

Before his affair?

Does she mean shes not responsible for his sexual satisfaction to keep him from cheating again?

That last part is key here. No it's not any BS's responsibility to provide non stop sex in the hope of keeping their WS from cheating again.

If that is in fact what she meant. Wont know until she replies.

Dragonheart,

Nothing kills the sex drive moreso than being treated like a blow up doll or prostitute.

And nothing kills a marriage more thoroughly than your partner refusing to have sex with you.

No - not her responsibility to 'satisfy him sexually' - I guess. In that case I guess it is not his responsibility to financially support her either. Just his child.

Dragonheart,

How is this sort of scenario not obvious prior to getting married???

You might be surprised at just how many of my gender just lie about it. You would be surprised just how many women get married and will never ever give their husband a simple blow job again - but lie about it when they are still dating.

I have not really seen this phenomena with men. But I do not know everything either. And some days I do not know much at all about anything.

Unhinged has nailed it here.

Sex is NOT a need. As far as population and continuing thr species crap, ya we've done so good a job at that that we threaten our very existence so that excuse is out.

Sex now is a desire. We CAN live without it. So saying shes responsible for his cheating because sex for her isnt a need is cruel and uncalled for.

We still do not have clarification if this fulfilling his sexual satisfaction is related to keeping him from cheating again.

Dead bedroom or not CHEATING IS NEVER AN OPTION. EVER.

And nothing kills a marriage more thoroughly than your partner refusing to have sex with you

And cheating doesn't fix this either.

Communication does.

If you cannot communicate to your SO that's the problem.

Cheating will never make a dead bedroom come alive with the spouse. It kills it even more.

Sex is NOT a need.

And while technically true? That would suck the joy straight out of my life in SO many ways. So maybe I do not NEED it - but I consider it a necessary part of my existence. And my life would be a great deal emptier without it - and I WOULD NOT be happy.

I, however, would not cheat to get sex. But that is just me. I would, however, pack my bags and hit the door if a partner ever withheld sex from me 'because they weren't responsible for my sexual satisfaction'. And would never even look back.

I believed, as others have said, that I was responsible for providing sex because we were married and other options for sex didn’t exist without divorce.

Then it came out that he didn’t want sex unless I actually actively desired it—he didn’t want “duty sex” that I didn’t want but had anyway just to keep the status quo.

Ok. Fair enough. So, we don’t have sex anymore. Close to a year and a half now.

Can’t have it both ways.

One scenario opens communication and works on the martial ups and downs. The other is passive aggressive behaviour.

OP stated it wasn’t her responsibility to offer sexual satisfaction in marriage. Who’s responsibility is it then? Next door neighbour?

And nothing kills a marriage more thoroughly than your partner refusing to have sex with you.

Exactly. That death spiral of diminishing sex is a two-sided coin. Sometimes it's the man treating the woman for granted, failing to peacock and flirt and pay attention. Sometimes it's the woman refusing sex repeatedly, to the point where the man legitimately loses interest. Both partners have to invest in the sexual relationship to keep the flame alive.

The OP here, based on her words (without knowing more), sounds like a person who either doesn't get this, or doesn't care. A person who is willfully refusing to carry her 1/2 of the weight on this issue is a marriage betrayer.

You might be surprised at just how many of my gender just lie about it. You would be surprised just how many women get married and will never ever give their husband a simple blow job again - but lie about it when they are still dating.

There is an old joke that echoes this theme. A groom-to-be, in the church getting ready before the wedding, sneaks into his bride's chamber and finds her alone. "Honey, let's slip out so you can give me a blowjob before the wedding."

The two of them slip out of the church and into the back of the empty waiting limo. She proceeds to give him the blowjob of his life. He is literally levitating by his dick as he climaxes.

When they are done, they both slip back to their respective portions of the church, snickering and laughing. The groom-to-be finds his best man waiting. "Dude, why are you grinning like the Cheshire Cat?" "Oh, man, I just had the best blowjob of my entire life."

The bride finds her bridesmaid in her chamber, waiting. "What's up with that big smile on your face?" she asks. "Girl, I just gave the last blowjob of my entire life."

Note to The Dangler (who posted above) -- I hate to TJ here. Why don't you start a thread? Are you saying that you are married to a WW who denied you sex, and you endured that based on her statement that she simply didn't desire sex any more, and then she cheated anyway?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:55 AM, September 10th (Thursday)]