SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1. Let's say for the sake of the argument we are modeling the ability to forgive in the face of difficult circumstances and persevere through the challenges.

2. I'm wu wei as fuck about it.

The prepare to do a lot of forgiving.

Its your life, but for me there's no way I'd stay in that sort of situation.

As i have said before arranged marriages tend to last forever many of them are loving and monogamous but even when they arent - the point is they last . Other marriages dont have the same guarantees ,If you and your ww arent in love then its probably only a matter of time before she cheats again and moves on .

My two cents - the compatibility you have with your wife is nothing special and the likelihood you can find a much better relationship is very high .

I guess if you dont have any 3xpectations of deep resonant love that grows over the years, then I guess if it works for you. Sounds like indentured servitude to me in a way. You arectrading away that one irreplaceable life you have, and for what?

TIF

One little other detail. Once this COVID shit ends, guess what???. They see each other every day, he did not get fired as she told you, and they will travel together again. So I guess you're going to be just fine when they are in adjoining rooms at a hotel out of town. my guess is she will not even bother to tell you they were not alone since she is shoving him in your face daily. And now that she iso penly talking to him with you in the room, my guess is lunch dates will start as soon as they get back in the office together. And she probably will tell you because hes her "friend".

You are in an open marriage since she still has contact with her boyfriend right in front of you.

No she is not banging him or trying to right now, mostly because of the virus, but she is still emotionally invested in him enough to totally say fuck you to your needs or feelings. And you tolerate it so yes you are in an open marriage. Shes not cheating, she telling you she will do what she wants and you are accepting it.

She has a best friend is fucked another man for years and got away with it totally and they are still in your orbit also.

The reasons you give for not divorcing her are going to be there for many years.

I disagree. She will not divorce you. Why on earth should she??? Shes running the show, has everything she wants, and is probably happy as a pig in shit.

You have given GREAT advice to others in recent posts. But you're not adhering to any of it in your own relationship

I suspect there are a lot of marriages in the world in which there is active infidelity on some level, but it is ignored for the sake of standard of living or other reasons. Some deny it's really happening, and others choose not to think about it. The problem is if you know it's happening and that bothers you, will you ever really feel safe in your own home, the one place should be able to let your guard down? Can you truly trust your spouse has your back? Will you feel as if you are being walked over or violating core standards?

Lying about minor things, unrelated to the A. Something like the price they paid for something. Making friends with AP's close friend. Let's say you are willing to be flexible on basically everything except for an A continuing or a new one starting.

Since I’m going to assume that the affair took place for at least some period of time without your knowledge, how do you know what is going on now? What you see are the lies you know about. What about the lies you don’t know about?

Do you know why she fibs about the price she pays? Is she squirreling money away so she can leave you? Is she using it to buy drugs? Is she using it to buy gifts for the AP? Why is she ingratiating herself to the partner’s friends? (I used to do that in college so that they would tell my ex-boyfriend how wonderful I was in hopes that he would get back together with me. )

Personally, I don’t think you’re avoiding divorce, not in the long run anyhow. I do think you’re avoiding confrontation and having your questions answered honestly and your needs met. My recommendation is a Gottman trained MC.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 7:59 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

without NC the affair has not ended.

without NC your WW is having an open marriage.

there cannot be recovery without NC.

i understand that for you the pros for recovery out weigh the

cons for divorce hence you want to stay married.

a marriage with three people is not a marriage. you want to

save your marriage and family there must be NC between the

AP'S. you may have to be get WW to change her job or

willing to move far away to get NC between WW and the OM.

I tried this. He was not truly remorseful. He never came clean. The lies were constant. He would lay lower for periods of time. Or decide to rest. But it always started again.

I hoped if I was willing to work thru it. He would too. Instead, He got away with it.

for the sake of keeping family together , I hoped he would tire of it. And mature. He did not. He felt we were great living like this. It was not great.

My biggest mistake was believing this was it. This is bad. But I’m surviving. I know now what Infidelity feels like. I can deal with this and keep trying.

It did not stay the same. It continually became worse. His actions and boundaries continued to worsen Abuse always progresses. By the time the marriage ended , I was shocked at how far he had taken things. I didn’t recognize him anymore. He was very cruel and punishing

Nothing stays the same. The disrespect grows. The bitterness grows. The resentment grows. Tempers flare.

In the end , I can honestly say nobody has ever treated me as badly as my husband treated me.

I would never have I magined it.

It’s not a comfortable existence. Hate grows. The children see this. It affects them. They resent both of us

Looking back now, I can see we were never in agreement. We had different ideas. I thought we were trying. He didn’t want to be faithful.

It’s very lonely. Frustrating. Depressing.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:34 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

Let's say for the sake of the argument we are modeling the ability to forgive in the face of difficult circumstances and persevere through the challenges.

You might be modeling something like that, or think you are. But your wife is modeling jack shit other than her selfishness. And you know it.

But why not wait until something significant gives me the impulse and desire to really do so?

So just wait out this wayward woman who has abused feminism in service of her selfish desires, wanted to sleep with another man if he would have simply raised his eyebrow, has already betrayed you and is still lying to you? Like that?

I tried it, for almost 4 years.

"For the kid."

I wouldn't recommend it.

Stbxw went nuts trying to sleep with every man she saw, even some of my co-workers.

Maybe you are more comfortable with monitoring everything she does. I got so sick of it I gave up, and I'm pretty sure she knew that and started planning her exit affair then.

Now I have to live with the fact that everyone I worked with knew that she was the town slut, a couple of 20 yr olds I worked with who watched her perform a masturbation show on video and they all called her "fiona" from shrek and all my co-workers knew it.

So that's my experience. Wasn't too good. 5 thumbs down.

Basically you will be living emotionally shut off and Like a zombie. Emotionally detached. Not feeling loved. Existing to provide what he wants. A side piece and a wife.

CancunCrushed said it best. I echo those thoughts.

Since I’m going to assume that the affair took place for at least some period of time without your knowledge, how do you know what is going on now? What you see are the lies you know about. What about the lies you don’t know about?

I only was in the dark about the extend of the EA. I basically knew she was friends with this guy and they talked a lot. She told me about the first time they were out solo and said she felt like it was an awkward first date rather than just being out with a coworker.

Do you know why she fibs about the price she pays? Is she squirreling money away so she can leave you? Is she using it to buy drugs? Is she using it to buy gifts for the AP? Why is she ingratiating herself to the partner’s friends? (I used to do that in college so that they would tell my ex-boyfriend how wonderful I was in hopes that he would get back together with me. )

Nothing so adventurous. None of her purchases are actually hidden from me and the assets are an open book. She isn't making cash purchases or pulling anything out of the ATM. She just likes to act like she got a better deal on stuff than she did. IDK what the compulsion is with the receipts available to me. She doesn't usually lie to me about it. Usually if a friend is over, "Oh yeah, and I got it really cheap (say 30% less than she actually paid)".

The AP's friend situation is simple enough. Since AP is a coworker, AP's friend is also a coworker. He is gay. They get along well enough. I told her this friendship is very uncomfortable for me due to him being a friend with AP. She basically told me to suck it up.

Personally, I don’t think you’re avoiding divorce, not in the long run anyhow. I do think you’re avoiding confrontation and having your questions answered honestly and your needs met. My recommendation is a Gottman trained MC.

Already have a Gottman MC (after firing another one). I was fixing to divorce her in August. My planned timing rolled around, I was very busy at work and she was very helpful and supportive. I kinda thought about it for a while and it just isn't what I wanted. You may be right that I'm just on borrowed time already. Why not enjoy it as much as I can while it lasts?

I keep thinking of the This Is Fine dog comic you posted on what I think was your original thread.

You already know the answer to your question.

Yes it is possible so long as you are willing to live in an open marriage where she does some nice things for you and even shows some caring And limited affection but has no boundaries on who else she gives those same things to.

It’s possible right up to the point that you cannot take it anymore. Then it is no longer possible.

For me that moment would come rather quickly. After getting to know you all these months I suspect for you it would take longer.

Good luck.

I might have made it to panel 5.

You may be right that I'm just on borrowed time already. Why not enjoy it as much as I can while it lasts?

So... are you enjoying this? Enjoying her continual disrespect of you and your children? Enjoying waiting for that other shoe to drop? If she isn't doing any work on herself, it's a matter of time before that happens.

I dunno, but to me that sounds like the 9 months of false R hell I lived through. You couldn't pay me enough to live it again.

What you are doing is just another form of 'pick me' dance. This seldom, if at all, works.

[This message edited by paboy at 12:30 AM, October 20th (Tuesday)]

It might sound fucked up, but I enjoy her company even if she apparently doesn't respect me (she says she does, sometimes I believe her). Things are fun, and easy, and comfortable. I am, when not immediately facing some specific instance of bullshit, content. It doesn't seem sustainable though. Hence this 2x4 seeking thread.

Yeah, but why put the cart in front of the horse?

I could D at any time of course. But why not wait until something significant gives me the impulse and desire to really do so?

Why leave even then?

It's just a bruise. Then it's just a black eye. Then it's just a trip to the ER. Then it's just a trip to the hospital. Then it's just a trip to the morgue. Like the cartoon.

I can't speak directly because mine left. Yes, divorce is a PITA. It cost a lot of money. It costs some time with the kids. The upside of that is now I have autonomy, I'm own man, I am a man in every testosterony way. I have balls.

Over the latter tail of the marriage, the ex disrespected me more. IF THE MARRIAGE HAD CONTINUED, IT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN WORSE. She can let the sex drop off. She can develop other interests different from yours, and similar to whomever she is screwing or wants to screw.

She doesn't respect you. That tends not to go well. But she might not leave for quite a while. You might have to take the initiative. But that's something you have to do. You are being passive, basically waiting for a different you that actually has balls to come in and live your life for you. That's not going to happen even if things get worse.