SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So sorry to hear your story. Unfortunately, very few affairs where people know each other are 1 time sex only. And it also seems like very few affairs use condoms. 1 time with a condom usually means something like 5-10 times with no condom.

If you tell the OBS, she may very well insist he leave the job.

One of the many issues you face,in not telling the OBS, is you assume she will never find out otherwise. The chances are high that,eventually, she will find out. And,typically, a BS who discovers thay everyone else knew,including the OBS, but no one felt she deserved to know,is an angry BS. Angry at everyone who knew. Including you. She may out your wife on social media..or at your children's school(if her kids attend class with yours), or she will inform HR at their place of employment. She very well may go scorched earth.

By telling now,you aren't waiting for the other shoe to drop. You aren't waiting for that day to come. You get it out in the open now,and deal with it now.

You also have the advantage of asking her to not do all of the above,because you respected her enough to tell her,you can ask that she tend to her family, while you tend to yours.

You don't have to tell them about the baby.

Although, it's extremely likely your son will be curious about his biological father, and he will seek him out one day. Then,everything you are worried about now, will happen. OM may become a part of your son's life.So telling them about the baby is probably the thing to do NOW. He may very well want nothing to do with him,and is willing to sign over his parental rights. An OC is a very difficult aspect for a BW to accept. His reconciliation will be as difficult as yours. His wife won't be ok with it. He may jump at the chance to sign papers.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:50 PM, Friday, April 1st]

She did not have sex with him once and there was tampering with the condom. That’s real hard to believe. She most likely had a long term affair.

^^^So sorry you are here, but this is really hard to believe.

I agree with the others, I'd insist on a polygraph.

Hope you get the answers you deserve.

I'm glad you became a safe partner for her, being a betrayed spouse, as you are now in our shoes, is traumatic to say the least.

Legally I know im the F...but with lawyers and courts nowadays Im not willing to risk my son to just expose him and try to ruin his life.

Just a heads up, no fear here. The courts are 100% with you being the dad and without you signing over parental rights, the other guy has zero rights.

As far as her quitting the job. If it really had that big of an impact on your life for her to get it, then you should think of your family when you push her to leave so quickly.
That being said, you are what we call around here a Mad hatter. You both cheated. You cheated while dating and shortly after marrying her, for a full year until you change when she almost left. I think this left a lot of scars emotionally and resentment or an erosion of boundaries are very likely.
My friend was a prolific cheater. His wife was going to leave him and started cheating, then filed for divorce. Before the divorce was finalized the other guy pulled back. My friend is still mad at his wife because she was going to leave him and she is still mad because he cheated first, with tons of women. They both eventually will have to get over their crap, but they work some how.
I worry you are in one of those situations. She was young and learning how the marriage would work. You put in the foundation that cheating could be forgiven. Now she is going to expect the same in kind. So, you have an advantage a lot of us here don't have. You have been on both sides of this equation now. So, now that you have money that is getting you both help, to fix your marriage. I would suggest focusing on that.
She has a lot of truth to still spill. Here is the hard question. Did you come 100% clean with her about your affairs? If not, that might be something you 2 need to connect on and drop that veil. It can't get any worse. It sounds like your wife just wanted a fling with this guy and wasn't looking to leave you, so why does she feel she can't just share the connection with you? That is the hard question for her.
I am sorry you are going through this and glad you are being a dad to your boy. I can say I kind of take care of way too many kids who aren't mine. Namely my friends who really need some help figuring out how to be parents. It is really rewarding and the kids will remember that care their whole life. Not having a good dad is something so many people miss out on.

I would bet your WW is lying about having used a condom. What are the chances that the AP purposely removed the condom so he could have a child with your wife? Pretty slim. Most likely they were caught up in the heat of the moment snd didn’t use protection.

The question is whether they used a condom or not is relevant to your healing. If yes, then the only way to verify it is with a poly. This is the exact type of factual question a poly will confirm with strong reliability.

If this doesn’t matter, as well as whether you don’t need to confirm the rest of her story, then leave it alone. However, you might not be able to fully heal, snd/or achieve satisfactory R, if you have doubt that you have the complete truth.

The number of BHs who swore up and down that they didn’t need/want to poly their WW because they were assured, snd believed, they had the entire truth, is a mile long. And, not surprisingly, in most of these cases they received a parking lot confession or a poly result that proved otherwise, or at least inconclusive, which in my personal opinion sways towards the lying end.

Always your choice, but you have my strong opinion nonetheless.

One thing I want to emphasize is that you said you changed and did not cheat anymore. That is wonderful and you deserve to hear that you did good in that. Next, she CHOSE to cheat. You did not deserve what has happened. Tell the other spouse, call a lawyer, and protect yourself. It is wonderful that you are accepting the baby.

Totally irrespective of if your marriage ends in divorce or reconciliation, I suggest you do the following. At the very least it removes the possibility of remorse or hindsight irrespective of how this ends:

Get legal info on the process of legally refuting paternity and the consequences of doing so. Whether you eventually do so or not can wait, but you want to know the process.

Remember that there is a legal difference between father and father… You can be deemed the legal father and yet your biological connection result in you having limited or none custodial right. The fact you know the paternity now might even have started some time-clock that dictates the time you have to refute paternity.

That boy can still be your son. I believe in total honesty on issues like this, so eventually you might tell him of the paternity. But in a worst-case scenario you don’t want to be divorced, paying child-support for this child while having no custodial access. To prevent that (and maybe to assure you that I’m totally wrong) then get legal information.

I’m with Bigger on this one. There is a time to be a martyr, but this is not it.

Also, do not have her quit her job until you are certain you know the truth. One time with a condom that must have failed is something we see a lot on here. I can’t think of a situation where it did not turn out to be a lie. Think. Why would a guy sabotage a condom with a married affair partner? Can they fail. Sure. But they sell by the millions because they almost always work.

As a guy whose wife got pregnant by another, I can say that it is something you will carry forever. Nothing will ever make the pain go away. It will dull but only that.

Your health is being affected. See a doctor and have a talk. There are strategies you can follow. Crying every day for months is a sign of deep depression. This will not fix itself.

Finally, telling the betrayed wife is a way to 1) find out more truth and 2) make a repeat less likely and 3) reveal who your wife really is. You already know she will lie against all logic and reason. Plus, it is the moral thing to do.

I want to thank everyone for the help and input I received here. I know everyone means well, and its really nice to know im not alone.

I didnt mention originally about my W mental status before and wanted to just say she is definitely someone who suffers from trauma and PTSD from before she met me. My cheating, anger and yelling could not have helped either. I only say this because everyone should remember there are two sides to every story and some people really are damaged before they do the cheating.

I do have an update. After the threat of a polygraph there was a "parking lot confession"

She had sex with him 3 times. She didn't end it until after she found out she was pregnant. there are many more things to list but thats the biggest things for me. Everything I doubted about her story was correct. My gut didn't steer me wrong.
Pretty much her entire confession over these past few months was all a lie.
It hit me hard as if I was being told for the first time. I broke down almost lost it. Thankfully I had my kids and sister-in-law to bring me back to earth.

I got through it. I know I still have a long road in recovery. But knowing the truth now feels like a weight has been lifted off me.

We are going to continue on R.
I am planning on consulting a lawyer in regards to my son before moving forward on telling the OW. And she will be quitting her job eventually.

There may be some still doubting and questioning if there are more lies and there may be or may be not. The truth will come out.

Either way this forum has been a great help for me and I hope day I can return the favor for someone else

Everything I doubted about her story was correct. My gut didn't steer me wrong.
Pretty much her entire confession over these past few months was all a lie.
It hit me hard as if I was being told for the first time. I broke down almost lost it.

I'm sorry Karma, I know firsthand how devastating it can be to learn "the whole truth" months into what you thought was R. I'm glad you know the truth. You deserve that.

Trickle-truth — it happens so often it has initials here in the forum — TT. And 99.9 percent of us have had to deal with it in some way or another.

My wife confessed that she had an A with our "family" friend.

It went from one time, to a full on 4-year long term affair.

So, I know that real truth pain.

Once my wife understood that if we were going to have ANY chance at all, I needed a full accounting of the time and affection stolen away from me. And she answered every question. All 5 million questions, and I really think I asked at least 5 MILLION in order to unscramble my brain. Ain’t none of these stories easy to hear or read about, despite my own recovery being what I thought was a unique horror show.

You do need to know what you’re being asked to recover from, and now you have a better sense of the tragedy.

Sorry you got hit with some of those hard to hear realities, but it will eventually help to know you have more of the story. It did for me anyway.

Follow through with the test. The parking lot confession is given because they hope if they tell you something bad, you will think this is it,it can't possible be worse,and you will cancel the test.

Always follow through with the test.

Did she use a condom?

What did she say to AP after she got pregnant? Did she consider it might be his? Did they make a plan?

She said that she would have terminated the pregnancy if she had thought it might be AP’s. What does she say about that now?

I agree that you should still get a detailed timeline and do the poly. The timeline will bring out for her the emotional aspects of the affair, and her lying and manipulation post conception and from D day. She needs to address that to be a successful rebuilder.

I love that you are dealing with this and still view this child as a blessing. This is so hard but if you manage it (not sure I could) amazing and (searching for the right words) —heroic, redemptive, unexpected, being touched by grace). No shade if this burden becomes too great however. Common decency rather than heroism is sufficient.

That update sucks to read but I'm not the slightest bit surprised. I actually think there is way more to her story, so you should definitely insist on a complete timeline and follow through with the poly. You really have to question her whole story now. It's not just the sex 3 times, which is comical how almost all waywards pick that number or the lies about using protection; It's how she continues to change her story. It's heartbreaking because I can see through your words that you so badly want to save your family but in order to forgive, you really have to know what it is you're forgiving.

They were working together for 4 years before the affair supposedly started. How long were they really seeing each other? She first said she ended the affair a month before she knew she was pregnant but now says she ended after she found out. How sure are you that they are still not involved? She sees this guy, who was her childhood friend, her AP for who knows how long, whose baby she carried, and does not talk to him at all? Really? This would not be the 1st thread that started as a couple of month PA but turned out to be a years long LTA.

She claimed to be surprised about the paternity, but I really doubt that. I would bet she knew deep in her gut, the minute she layed eyes on the baby that the OM was the biological father but allowed you to put your name on the birth certificate. I know you are feeling all guilty about your past affair(s) but her perpetrating paternity fraud on you is not karma or evening up the scales.

Thank you guys so much for the feedback. When I mentioned the polygraphy originally you can tell something was up. I felt like I got the whole story (or at least most) and was going to let it go.

But you guys are right... I brought it up again if she was willing to go to get the polygraph
to corroborate the new story and she YES...so it will be in the works once I process a bit more and figure out what I need to ask. The most important thing on my mind now is if there is/was continued contact and about my son.

I know this is far from over. But still not giving up(yet)

The poly works best to verify key points of the detailed written timeline.

Some BS’s ask for two time lines, one with all details and her recollection of her thinking at each point, and a second with a bit less detail. Some BS’s choose to keep, not read, and eventually destroy the first very detailed timeline. Some BS’s ask the WS to read the timeline to them to encourage understanding’ empathy and remorse. Some BS’s decide it’s too much and move on with separation / divorce. Some get the assistance of an IC to support them through this process.

I like reconciliation outcomes where there are kids, but right now your wife needs to be truthful to a degree which is uncomfortable and to which she is not accustomed.

A poly alone won’t really cut it. It was a perfect tool to catch out the lie about sex only once and a broken condom. Now the aim of a poly will be a bit different and mixed.

To me this is the ultimate betrayal and I could never raise an OC so I sincerely suggest you file for D, but of course it's your life and your choice and therefore if you insist on giving R a shot, which by the way will likely be a daunting endeavor that will certainly take years and with no guarantees, I suggest you make a very informed decision and follow through with the polygraph, but first and like others mentioned, insist on a complete written timeline of the A, do not mention how polygraphs work and how many questions there will be on it, and finally have her read the timeline out load to you (typicallly helps with remorse). After the written timeline make a list of the questions you need answers to, based on your situation I'll suggest a few just off the top of my head and in no particular other, others may give you more:

1)Did you know the OC was not mine ?.

2) When did you start your A (not just the PA part)?

3) Are you still in contact with POSOM and if not when did you stop ?

4) Does he know or suspect he's the biological father of OC ?

5) Did you love him and if so do you still have feelings for him ?

6) Were there any other "pregnancy scares" ?

7) Did you ever consider leaving me for him ?

8) How many people knew about the A and their names ?

9) How often did you have sex with POSOM ?

10) Have you ever terminated a pregnancy and if so when/how many times ?

11) Have you had any other As or inappropriate relationships besides this one during our time together ?

12) Are you willing to sign a postnuptial agreement in my favor in case I find out you're still lying and/or I eventually decide this is a dealbreaker for me ?

13) Are you still lying or omitting information about this and/or other inappropriate relationships ?

14) Did you ever bring POSOM or any other AP to our house ?

15) Since we're together have you sexted and/or sent naked pics or videos to POSOM or any other person besides me ?

16) Did you and POSOM ever try to get your stories straight before and/or after Dday ?.

Keep posting frequently, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, as you have already confirmed, cheaters lie a lot and TT, every case is different byt cheaters typically follow a similar script, we've literally "seen" it play out THOUSANDS of times here on SI and other forums.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 5:54 AM, Wednesday, April 6th]

There must be a polygraph, you can ask the duration of your relationship with AP, you should ask about the post-dday communication with AP, did you know that the child was his, did you keep in contact with AP during pregnancy, did you have sex with ap, did you like AP, had other relationships. Do you share pictures, videos with AP (Did they take it during the slept), let her report the situation to the workplace even if she is out of work, make her confess to your family and obs, but be with her, she does not direct the story. have her write you the complete timeline,

she defended every lie she could tell to the end. she may say she doesn't want to hurt you, but she should have thought before she did.

I believe you know that the child is not yours. however, she manipulated you and you took tests again, even her confessions changed when she asked for a polygraph.

I’m sorry you’re here Karma. You remind me of myself, I jumped into R mode from about 50min from "disclosure" (also known as owning up to as little as possible and cover your ass moment for the cheater).

I just wanted to encourage you to go ahead with the polygraph even if you THINK you have the entire truth.

I’ll be honest, even 3 times sex sounds like covering her ass to me. A lot of WS when they hear of polygraphs own up to a bit more, hoping it will quiet down your senses if they make it sound more believable. I’m not saying it’s impossible to have sex "only" 3 times, it’s just not matching the timeline, from what you’re writing here.

Now my WH admitted to sex twice, with a condom of course, on dday.

My WH is also a bit of a hypochondriac, goes on annual health checks, it’s not willing to take risks, never smoked, doesn’t drink excessively, judges people who put their health at risk in any way, and a couple of years prior to the affair he loudly made this statement "can you imagine being single these days and having sex with random people? Eeeeeww, the idea of having unprotected sex with someone else makes me feel sick". He also then proceeded to lecture our eldest about the importance of protected sex (he was 14-15 at the time).

What did he proceed to do a couple of years later? He entered the fantasy world of affairs where apparently it takes the shine of it if you stop midway and put a condom on. In this fantasy world STDs don’t exist and if a woman tells you she’s clean and she’s using birth control well… you believe her although in any other world you would question her morals as you know, she’s sleeping with a married man.

Yes you got this right, when the truth did finally come out, it turns out my WH slept with her more than the two times he owned up to on dday, he didn’t use protection at all because she said she was healthy and was using birth control (the amount of pregnant ow’s only on this sight is revealing, in fact I used to read him threads on it and watch him squirm) they screwed in our family car and it was more involved than the "couple of times sex and then we realised it was wrong" scenario he initially portrayed.

Please go ahead with the poly to ensure you prevent finding out more details later which will reset your healing big time.

Also stop promising her to reconcile, in fact you really don’t know if you’ll be reconciling this early on. You can try but can you guarantee it won’t haunt you 3-4 years down the road which may turn your marriage into a toxic relationship for both of you?

I found that the moment I was honest with my WH and myself, the moment I said it loudly, I DONT KNOW IF IT WILL WORK OUT, but I can give it a try and allow you, the cheater, to prove you are capable of change, that is the moment my WH truly realised he had no control, this isn’t a situation anyone can control, but what he could control was his own hard work and desire to prove himself worthy of his family. That’s the point where I saw a change in him. And that change led us to still being together almost 5 years later and find a new happiness I didn’t think possible 5 years ago.

By quitting her job eventually, I hope you mean after you see a lawyer about your options.

The clock is ticking on paternity so don't waste any time on this unless you intend to pay child support for another man's child for the next 18 years.