So here I am, wondering what is to become of my family. I am heartbroken and I have cried so much in the last 24 hours. I said goodbye to my marriage. I thought it was a good one.
It wasn't...and I will tell you why---her resentment towards you.
I will give you a little comparison to my story, although the EA vs. PA is reversed:
When I was hit with my first D-Day, I discovered it was a PA. Needless to say, I was devastated. In my mind NOTHING is worse than that. Over some time, I learned of another one, which of course hurt, but just about a year ago, when I thought I was virtually reconciled, I stumbled upon a current PA/EA.
The worst part to cope with to this day, was how I could have missed this. If there is something that I thought I was pretty experienced in, it was infidelity, but I got blindsided. But the other piece that surprises me, is how much the EA hurts me. I never dealt with that before.
Right now, for you, the PA is crushing. Hell, it might be your dealbreaker. But I don't think so. You are in a state of acute shock, and it will wear off, and then you are going to start moving to your next course of actions. Most members here knew by your posts that you were not going to leave your marriage. Hell, you even stated such. But they knew that if nothing else, you weren't getting a partner that was of reconcilable material. We can argue about how much she has and was lying about, but we knew that she wasn't being honest. She probably still isn't right now. Her posts...and lack of them...spoke volumes of her lack of commitment.
But what really jumped out at me, because I feel this in my own life, is the resentment that she holds towards you. THAT, my friend, is the underlying issue that will terminate this current relationship. The problem is that while although you already knew about these resentments, you probably weren't aware of how strong they are...and how she has fostered them over the years to justify levels of entitlement that neither you nor I thought possible at one time or another. I won't say that she hates you, because that is foolish, but I will say that the resentments build such feelings that you would almost think that she could hate you at times.
And no matter how much that you would like to reconcile, you won't be able to until she (1) comes clean with you, and (2) works past her issues. It may be insurmountable. She may NOT WANT to let go of her resentment....I don't know. But you really need to take a hard look at this after the shock of her PA(if that's her only one) wears off. It took me a long time to realize that my marriage is over. It was the moment that I came to realize that my WW will never get past her resentments towards me, no matter how justified or unjustified they were, that I accepted that we will never get past this. And I deserve better treatment than I have received. And so do you.
Edith had her chance years ago. If your financial infidelities were that much of a hurt to her and the marriage, then she had all rights to divorce you. She felt betrayed, and did not have to put up with your behavior and actions. But what she did instead was the start of a disconnect that has culminated to where you are today. She never forgave you. And worse than that, she started to justify her poor behavior due to your prior actions. She nurtured and fed a resentment that has led to a chasm between you.
But that is her fucking problem. You not only owned your shit, you learned from it. But not her---she punished you for it. And took her children down with it. Do you see how far this really goes now?
You owe her NOTHING....except some harsh consequences. That is where I would start if I were you....once your shock wears off.
