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Financial infidelity has devastated her. But, what I did was always investments in support of our family. I have no "pastimes" or costly hobbies I am spending money on. I am a capitalist: One who risks money for financial gain. I am also a dumb capitalist who doesn't adequately inform his wife what the hell he is doing causing needless stress and despair. I am working hard to mend my ways.

I did not inform her of risks or my intentions or my actions or recurring deposits, etc. So much so that her income was necessary for us to stay afloat. She didn't want that and she wants to be a mom. She sees people all the time in her practice that are stay at home mom's that travel all over on vacations. She feels that my choices have doomed her to work forever in servitude to me. That, I must admit, has some truth. But when she and I, one child at a time, built a family of 5, was she not there too? Didn't she know and at least acquiesce to moving to this posh area of town. Didn't she agree, she and I together, to send all 5 of our children to private school?

she has been devastated. With two careers where we own our own businesses and 5 children, we have been tag teaming for years. We rarely did things together because it was necessary to get it all done. We have lately been doing things much more together. The engineer in me screams, "this is so damn inefficient!". But it is what has been necessary for years. A marriage is not a company or a machine. It's made of love and caring and selflessness. Things with which I have not been tending properly.

It starts with humility. As a (formerly?) prideful person, it was hard to bring myself to admit the financial infidelity was all on me. It doesn't matter if my investments and businesses were profitable or not. Many were very, some were not. It matters only that I did not include her. She was excluded from the decisions that deeply impacted her, and for that I am very, very sorry. I have deep remorse for that. What an ass I was.

She waited YEARS for me to get it, to realize my errors. I will give her time, though it is excruciating to bear.

we both make lots of money now, but we have big expenses too. I did pay her way through dental school, mostly, while I was away at sea. She has been wonderfully supportive of me and my family and I appreciate all that she has done, though I don't tell her enough. This affair thing makes it hard to be appreciative.

Edith12 is the love of my life. She has her side too, outside of the affair, so please be respectful and helpful, if you will.

Other posters have said it well, but it's worth repeating- your wife's adulterous acts ruined the marriage, not her finally coming clean as to the true extent of the affair. And let's face it, deep down you must have known what really went down.

If this marriage is over, radical honesty on your wife's part will hardly be the cause. Don't get sucked into those kinds of head games.

I just want to make sure that I understand this.

I did not inform her of risks or my intentions or my actions or recurring deposits, etc. So much so that her income was necessary for us to stay afloat. She didn't want that and she wants to be a mom. She sees people all the time in her practice that are stay at home mom's that travel all over on vacations. She feels that my choices have doomed her to work forever in servitude to me. That, I must admit, has some truth. But when she and I, one child at a time, built a family of 5, was she not there too? Didn't she know and at least acquiesce to moving to this posh area of town. Didn't she agree, she and I together, to send all 5 of our children to private school?

So, because she has to work like most Moms in this country and not just sit on her ass all day--you have committed financial infidelity?

Sounds like your WW wanted to be a princess. And you spoiled the dream.

Wow. I thought nothing could shock me but this level of entitlement blows my mind.

She is very upset that the professional recommendation of her IC, and her following it, has doomed her.

No, her spreading her legs and lying about it, dragging your children into it, and bullshitting to everyone, including all on SI was what doomed her.

Does this woman not take any accountability for anything? I have never come across anyone as self-centred, as entitled, as unremorseful, as manipulative as your WW.

Sounds like she wants the trappings of a certain lifestyle, and resents having to pitch in and work for it - lots of very ill people work. My mother is bipolar, schizophrenic, she is fighting cancer, and had medication-related anemia - and she has gone in to work on a Bank Holiday, because she needs this mormalcy.

She feels that my choices have doomed her to work forever in servitude to me.

Silly me, and there I was thinking she was working to help provide and set a good example to the 5 children she helped bring into the world, god I wish I could give her a slap upside the head!

[This message edited by MollyMoo at 6:47 AM, May 4th (Monday)]

Just a couple of thoughts:

In general it is the dishonesty that is the real deal breaker for most. In your case your wife has lied repeatedly over an extended period of time (and that includes in several posts here). Certainly the lies alone would cause many to conclude that the marriage was over.

Your case may be a bit different. Only you know the extent of the deception involved in your investments. Certainly not disclosing investments that put at risk the financial security of the family is a big deal.

Many have noted, rightly, that you deceived with the purpose of helping the family, and she deceived for the purpose of undermining your family. One should not be equated with the other. But that does not mean that there are not similarities.

So it is worth trying to disentangle the lies from the actual sex. For many intercourse with another is simply a deal breaker. I would simply take a step back and make sure that it true for you. To be clear I am not saying it shouldn't be: just that I wouldn't make a permenant decision so close to the final revelation. I say this not because you owe Edith anything: whatever debt you owed ended when she had sex with another. Rather I say it to make sure you have thought it all the way through.

I have been where you are, and it hurts like hell. I with you the best.

I can understand your hesitation to do something that feels like punishing her for her honesty. I think the others make great points about this mindset, but I do want to say that I understand that hesitation.

You have the polygraph coming up. If you find she has been honest, then what? If you find that she has continued to lie, then what?

If you stay with her, what are her intentions toward her "friend" that helped facilitate the affair. While it was your wife's choices and her choices alone, this person is clearly not a friend of the marriage. Limited contact is not enough. This friendship needs to end forever. Is she willing to completely cut from her life anyone who is not a friend of the marriage? This is an important act for her take. Is she willing to take it?

I hope the answers to these questions could be clarifying to you in the steps ahead.

To be honest, this latest dday was her doing what I asked her to do--confess. She did and now I am coming down on her. She is very upset that the professional recommendation of her IC, and her following it, has doomed her.

So basically, she is saying that being honest has doomed her. No, like others said, what she did probably doomed her.

She knew the second she had sex with this guy, she was doomed.

She compounded the problem by making you out to be the bad guy and the nut case to all your friends and the school.

She continued the affair after she knew she had doomed the marriage. She continues to lie.

She now believes that lying is the best course of action, and that is always trouble. She can now rationalize that being honest was the wrong thing to do.

She dragged it out, and took it out on you throughout this entire situation. Her yelling, screaming and blaming you has made this 100 times worse.

NOOOO, your financial stuff did not cause her to have sex with some other guy.

Her now believing that being honest was the wrong thing to do, could make her a liar forever now.

When all along, she refuses to see that what she did with the OM was the wrong thing to begin with.

She feels that my choices have doomed her to work forever in servitude to me.

And her choices have "doomed" you to decide upon the lesser of two evils - stay married to a wife who has defiled the marriage and keep the family together, or divorce her and split the family up. Guess we all have our crosses to bear.

Speaking of bearing crosses, I thought she was a dentist. A noble profession that some consider a high privilege to practice. Hardly the bondage of "servitude." It's not like she's wielding a shovel every day.

She needs to grow up and quit the drama queen stuff.

She needs to grow up and quit the drama queen stuff.

Agree. Do you feel you, np5, are "doomed to work forever in servitude" to her and your children? No? You wouldn't want to take care of your children full-time while she provided the income? Or does she not consider stay-at-home-dad to be legitimate?

If she actually felt that she was working in "servitude" to you - then she should've been more than happy to have the children taken out of private school, move to a different neighborhood, give up these vacations with her children, and oh yeah give up private music lessons with her lover. Or at least ask him to give her a "WW discount price" for their lessons

Except she didn't want to do that, any of that, especially that last one.

Will she be going through with the polygraph? or is she wallowing in the "omg I told the truth about one time that everybody wanted me to do and now i'm a victim" ?

So here I am with a devastated wife who was on the path to recovery, sensing an opportunity to confess with trust she would be ok, and I kick her to the curb.

She was NOT on any path to recovery. She admitted she had sex with him because she read your post on here..and she knew a poly was inevitable. She was hoping to prevent being embarrassed in front of the administrator. That is why she admitted it...finally.

Please tell me your stance on not reading her posts on here is over. You need to read what she is saying. Im worried you think, that by posting here, she is desperate to R, so she is really trying, reaching out for help. If that is the case, you need to read what she is posting.

I am currently in inhome separation.

I am going to sleep with her tonight

Ok. So you are telling her, and yourself, that you are separated. But you slept with her last night..because you both need hope.

No. She needs consequences.

I fear you are in danger of rugsweeping this all away.

Holy Shit.

Have you completely lost your mind?!?!?!

Seriously NP, you need to step back and take a look at this from the outside in.

You are a classic Co dependent, and I don't care how many times you say you are strong independent man, YOU ARE NOT. YOU ARE Ruining your life, and your kids lives if you continue to depend on Edith to make your decisions for you.

You should be able to stand alone, and be happy and fufilled and complete. If you are waiting on her and her decisions for that to happen you are depending on others for your happiness. Plain and simple. Co dependent.

She is manipulating you and playing you like a damn fiddle. You are seriously allowing her to determine the outcome her. She finally admitted what every single one of us here that have posted on your pages and pages of threads. She fucked another man. She had an affair. She blames you. Now she wants to play the victim. "I finally told you the truth, and now you are punishing me." Boo fucking hoo should be your response. She CHOSE. Freely and of her own accord, and knew GD good and well what the outcome would be if you EVER found out. But she thought good Ole NP would be too stupid to figure it out, too gulible to think anything other than what crazy bullshit lies she spewed, and too damn dependent on her to ever walk away.

You know what I think you should do is kick her ass out of the house, and I don't care how big the MF'r is. If she is there she manipulates you. Plain and simple. You need to 180 her like she is in a third world country with no access to communication.

Or you can accept that you a cuckhold and pretend it never happened and allow her to manipulate and break you even more, make you feel that it's your fault, and you aren't worthy of more, and let her show your beautiful children that abuse is ok.

It's up to you. But for the love of God make a decision, because this nonsense of "in house seperation but still playing happy family" is only making you weaker, and weaker.

NP5,

Please read my PM. As I say, you are in a very emotionally vulnerable place right now. Please, be strong. Head only--beware the heart.

I missed where you planned to sleep with her.

Why would that give you hope? Hope of...what?

You're in-house separation. You're going to file for divorce. She has told you barely the tip of the iceberg.

I think, at this point, the best "hope" you can acquire is that there is a very healthy, fulfiling life when you aren't tied to this woman who says such awful things to you, is exhausted so she takes up an entire double life, feels she's in servitude to you because she has a job to maintain her lifestyle, and then lies to you for 1.5 years while having sex with another guy.

This was an affair long before she fucked the other guy. That was just a blatant in-your-face-fuck-you to you since you already knew and had been asking her to stop.

because this nonsense of "in house seperation but still playing happy family" is only making you weaker, and weaker.

And she knows this. She is counting on it.

She is not a victim in this. She has made very calculated decisions from the first day she noticed OM. She chose to lie, cheat, abuse, involve your kids, etc. She has manipulated you every step of the way. And is still doing so. This is not your fault. This is not her friend's fault. It's not even OM's fault. The entire situation is your wife's doing..her choices.

Why in house? Why not actually separate? If you are going to sleep with her, what's the point?

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:00 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry to see you being sucked back in. Your wife is not remorseful. You think she is, but you thought that before. You are not responsible for this mess, she is still trying to convince you that you are to blame. You are not, and you can't see it anymore. I feel that you are losing yourself. Please take some time away, somehow.

Holy sh!t, Batman!

If you never read another post, NP5, read TushNurse's post over and over and over and over until it sinks in.

That is the best post I have ever read. Read it again. It is what you need to hear and finally understand.

We are not against reconciliation around here. Tush is reconciled with her spouse. I am reconciled with my former WH that hurt me to the core. BUT, I swear to you he did not play the stupid blame games Edith has played on you for months and months and months.

Have you heard the TRUTH about her infamous night out at the bar with her BFF yet?

She is playing you. Read Tushnurse's post again. And again. And again. You can reconcile, but she has to really mean it and right now she is still playing games with you.

[This message edited by Ginny at 12:13 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

NP5

Here is what concerns me. The others I am sure have thought of it but not mentioned it specifically. And knowing WW is probably reading this, maybe she might tell you the truth on these things.

(1) you finally three days before polygraph got confession of her fucking him on 8/4. Her IC probably told her to confess that because she knew it was topic number 1.

(2) but how about the initial night when her girlfriend baby sat in hotel at 1PM while she went to meet him. You believe she did not fuck him then too???? Married woman in affair sneaks to hotel at night out of town with AP, and what did they do. Discuss world affairs and politics??????? my guess is and i think most here would agree that was hook up #1.

(3) then we have the extended period where she was going out constantly with her girlfriend of questionable morality ( her words) who was her facilitator (her words) and cheerleader. You believe no fucking done in all of these encounters and disappearances with her BFF.???

(4) now lst move past 8/4. We have the little episode right out of Saturday night Live where the big black man chased her into the ladies room at a bar where she was dancing with other men (her words), again accompanied by Mrs. Faciliator>. Stays out all night but of course her girlfriend will vouch for her. You believe no fucking there either??????

(5) and of course we also have the little song dedication lie and disappearance for the entire evening, again with Mrs. Facilitator doing her thing, where your wife went to see him LIVE AND IN PERSON while you were home thinking they were somewhere else. No fucking there either????

Now as the others have said this is just the tip of the iceberg, because she has been disappearing many times with her girlfriend.

No one can only conclude if Edith states her girlfriends marital outlook morally does not meet hers, to most i would believe she is in some sort of open marriage and her husband either does not care or know. For your wife to call her morally deficient with what Edith was doing is a big statement.

So, seems to me that Edith feels she is not clear of guilt because you know the truth o what she did on 8/4. Like the others have said, this is like the Titanic heading for the iceberg of what all of us really believe has gone on for nearly two years.

I hope her lovebombing you last night has not made you FOGGY and that you find out we are all cuckoo or she is lying her ass off by ommmission.

i do not know all the answers but I do know where the Las vegas money would be.

Tushnurse is correct. Further, if she feels that telling you was a mistake, and you stay together with her, she will cheat again and will hide it and never tell you the truth.

This sounds like the best route is for an amicable divorce

The more I look at your story, the more I see how it parallels the marriage of a couple I know well.

The couple had been married for 12 years, with 4 children. They loved each other, but for some reason, the husband developped a gambling habit. He spent a large part of his paycheck at the casino, and God knows how the odds are stacked against you in a casino.

The wife tried to reason her husband to stop spending time and money at the casino and spend that money on his family. When the wife saw that her efforts at reasoning her husband were falling on deft ears, she started having an affair with the divorced husband of a cousin of hers. It lasted about 6 months until BH started suspecting his wife was having an affair. There was a confrontation, a lot of anger (and broken dishes and furniture) on the part of the husband. The wife could hold her own and was fighting back verbally and physically. When they saw their 2 oldest kids at the top of the stairs, they had that sudden HOLD IT moment. They decided that they needed to solve their differences by other means. They went to marriage counselling, expressed their ultimate love for one another, recognized that each had done wrong to the other, and they got closer to GOD. Today, they are both pastors in the Pentacostal church and freely tell their story of how their marriage was almost wrecked because of thoughless behaviour by both party, but the marriage survived because they loved each other so much.

I told you this because I find so many parallels between their story and yours. You have wronged your wife by misappropriating a large chunk of her hard earned money and blowing (a big ???) part of it. She has had an affair with another man, she says, as revenge for your mishandling of her money. You love your wife beyond anything anyone could imagine. I've read this thread from the beginning and it is so evident in it that your love for your wife is so great that it made you blind. Everyone here kept telling you "Come on man, don't be stupid. A woman does not lie naked in bed with a man in a hotel room and not have sex". Others said "Hey, 1+1 = 2, can't you figure that out". Still you kept denying. I am sure that deep inside, you knew your wife had sex with OM, I mean no sane adult believes that Santa Claus exists or that the Tooth Fairy is real, but you held on to your fantasy. Your wife's admission that she had intercourse with OM once (we here at SI think more than once) knocked you off your cloud. Your wife is crushed because you said you wanted a divorce. Even now, you are not sure you want to divorce.

I feel torn between doing what I need to do (metting out consequences) and what I led her believe would be a pass.

I know almost everyone here recommends D. All I can say is that I can see that in your heart R is still possible because I can feel through your words that the love for your wife is still greater than the revulsion brought about by her affair. The question is "Can she be trusted after all this denial?"

In the end, YOU will decide whether you stay or whether you go because you are now empowered by the knowledge you wanted for so long. The decision is now yours my friend.

[This message edited by marbou888 at 2:00 PM, May 4th (Monday)]

np5,

I know many people here are saying it's time to run. Maybe it is, but only you know that. You can see from many of the taglines of the members that many had multiple DDays, and the vast majority of us had TT, so please remember that you need to do what is right for you and your family.

We're all here for you. The outrage of what you've been through is here, for certain, but nonetheless, we are here for you.