SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Heh, yup, she's destined to cheat until she does the hard work on addressing her issues.

Btw, make sure to ask a good lawyer how long you should document her behaviour with the kids before filling for divorce. Maybe one month is not enough in your state to establish a relevant pattern, maybe it is. Make sure you get that info from a good lawyer.

Best wishes!

I don't come to JFO much anymore. The new stories, betrayals and anguish angers and depresses me. I feel I should be posting here - paying it forward for all of the help I got directly or vicariously through lurking but I just find it too hard.

I haven't read the whole thread here but wanted to respond to a comment you made, HurtnAlone. You didn't know if not watching TV was typical. For me it is. Like you it just doesn't hold my interest. Paying $80/month (Canadian) for satallite service I am not using, not even for hockey. I hardly ever turn the TV on and when I do I usually don't watch for more than a couple of minutes. Same with the radio. And I, too, spend a lot of time on SI.

This by FormerArmyGuy

Hope is dangerous word .... because it cuts like a razor every time we touch it

.

is so true. I keep hoping that WW will come through on the things I have indicated are needed by me. I don't expect she will because she has never been great on completing anything.

Sending you strength, HurtnAlone.

Btw, make sure to ask a good lawyer how long you should document her behaviour with the kids before filling for divorce. Maybe one month is not enough in your state to establish a relevant pattern, maybe it is. Make sure you get that info from a good lawyer.

Thanks Hobbes. Never even considered that a month might not be enough. Everyone keeps saying hurry up and file so was moving full speed ahead with that plan. But guess I need to ask my attorney about the custody situation and see if it would make sense to hold off another month or so and keep documenting. WW said she wanted 50% and I was willing to do it but starting to think she only wants support based on 50%, without having to actually put in the time. I'll talk to the pros. I just know I'm not agreeing to a 50% split when she takes them 1 or 2 nights/week.

Coincidentally, guess who just cancelled again for tonight? Supposed to be every Mon, Wed, and Fri. This past Monday was cancelled due to out of town friend. So last night was makeup for that, but only dinner, no overnight. Now today, OM has some sort of stomach flu (sure he does) so can't take the kids. She MIGHT take them tomorrow instead IF he's feeling better. Oh, and she already bailed out of having anyone stay overnight this Friday because she's doing midnight bowling with friends. So it's averaging 2 or 3 dinners/week and 1 overnight. I'm no math wiz but that doesn't seem anywhere close to 50% of a week.

You didn't know if not watching TV was typical. For me it is. Like you it just doesn't hold my interest. Paying $80/month (Canadian) for satallite service I am not using, not even for hockey. I hardly ever turn the TV on and when I do I usually don't watch for more than a couple of minutes. Same with the radio. And I, too, spend a lot of time on SI.

I know what you mean Steady. Before my life fell apart, felt like I was pretty typical. Watched couple hours of TV in the evenings, usually while eating dinner. But now I just don't have the patience for it. Always thinking about something else. I need to be busy, either doing something, reading something, or talking with someone. There are 1 or 2 shows that I still enjoy but about an hour max and I'm done. Funny thing, I don't even miss it.

Thanks for the updates.

How are you feeling these days? What have you been doing to blow off some steam and better your physical and mental health?

Best wishes

Steady, we need people like you to be posting here and helping the BS. It means the world

How are you feeling these days? What have you been doing to blow off some steam and better your physical and mental health?

Hobbes, think I've mentioned before, but I took up working out at the local Y few times/week. I join a friend at lunch once/week who prefers to do that over eat, LOL. And I go with my oldest boy other times. I had already lost around 40 pounds total since early March on the Infidelity diet, so that plus working out has me in my best physical shape in years.

I recently joined a local group for men/women going through separation/divorce that meets few times every month socially, just to get together and hang out. Sometimes it's bowling, dinner, dancing, etc. I haven't been yet but having dinner tomorrow night with a group of 8 so looking forward to making some new friends.

Besides that, I text or speak with most of my family just about every day. Also, have sort of become good friends with FormerArmyGuy from this very site. We exchanged phone numbers and have talked a couple hours and exchanged dozens of texts. We're both in such similar situations with our WWs that it really helps to discuss with someone who knows almost exactly what you are feeling.

In fact I'm open to having that sort of relationship with anyone else here who wants to exchange info, if they feel it would be beneficial to themselves. Just make sure you like texting, because I WILL send quite a few, especially for next few weeks.

Think that's about all I can think of, other than the obvious of posting here at SI, which has been HUGE in helping me cope. As always, I really appreciate all the replies and advice. Stay strong, brothers and sisters.

Awesome news, so glad to hear it!

You're an inspiration for is all Hurt. While nothing can ever happen to make what happened to you and your family 'fair', you've probably already immeasurably helped like countless other who come here for advice and don't have the courage to post about it like you do.

Thanks Hobbes and Eric. I'm doing my best but still plenty of hard days. I'll go a couple of days and feel pretty good then just wake up feeling sad, lonely, depressed the next day. Usually can't even find a trigger for it, just feel bad. I understand that's all part of the process so nothing to do but wade through, talk to some friends, and keep going. I have noticed that the frequency of the ups and downs is a lot less and I can bounce out of my funk a lot quicker than before. Looking forward to more positive days ahead, and saying goodbye to the bad ones.

Also, quick status update. Since going truly NC with WW, it's funny that she seems to find 2 or 3 reasons every day to send me a text that's not about kids or money. I usually don't even reply, but I can't help but think she's missing me just a little. I don't spend much time thinking about it, but it does make me feel better for a few minutes. Maybe in a month I won't care at all.

[This message edited by HurtnAlone at 6:19 AM, May 14th (Thursday)]

You're building a new life for yourself and that is not an easy thing to do. You have to expect your brain to want to settle back into the old routine from time to time and take a rest from all the work of building that life. It is exciting and it is a lot of work to build that new life. You seem to be doing quite a good job of it, too.

In my opinion your wife is going about doing the same thing. BUT she's not going about it in a healthy and sustainable way. She's found it easier to look for happiness from outside herself and think someone new will make things better and happier FOR her rather than realizing that happiness has to start from within.

In my opinion she's seeing that she's not doing the right thing. She has the idea that, if she can be friendly with you then she's not doing something so very bad after all. You've been a big part of her life for many years and her brain is also having a tough time handling the new reality that she's gone and created for herself.

In my situation one of the EAP phone counselors called my xwgf's telling me that she thought of me fondly occasionally "passing thoughts". They don't really mean anything, said the counselor. And in the end, they didn't.

It is so sad that when we're young parents we don't really know to teach our children that nobody can fix our situations but us, and that there will always be con men out there who will offer the world if only we will join them. Either con men or other, similarly broken people looking for solutions to their problems in someone else who just happens to be our broken spouse or SO.

Your wife is looking for someone else to solve some unhappiness within herself and no someone can, only her. Always and forever, only her.

As in my own situation, say your wife came back. What would you have? You'd have a profoundly broken woman who is unhappy with herself and expecting you to fix it. You'd have someone who isn't in it for the long haul but instead only in it until the first thing happens and then she's off again, looking for someone else to fix it. You'd have a life of worry and despair, wondering every single minute that you're apart if she's either out looking or listening to some asshole sell her the moon at the end of his dick.

You'd have a broken person that it would take years of therapy to fix because all the lessons learned growing up would have to be discarded and new, healthier lessons learned in their place. That is even assuming that she ever acknowledges that there is a problem in her that needs fixing.

Sometimes it is necessary to throw the broken flowerpot away instead of continually trying to glue it back together again. She is the broken flowerpot. You had your favorite something great planted in it and then the bottom fell out when you turned your back for a second and now the flowers are all dead.

Thanks Devoted. Very nice analogies in your last post. As I read through it, was hard to hear but I know that you're right. I decided a while ago that I would not take WW back into my life without her agreeing to be on her own (no man) for a period of several months and getting some therapy. And in her state of mind, I know she would never do those things, because she is so afraid of being alone and because she honestly doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. I have no desire to have her back around for a few months, just until the next best thing comes along.

I'm struggling through things now but know that I will come out the other side happy and healthy. Her path is one of destruction, both of her own happiness and whomever happens to be the latest OM to be caught up in it. I believe the current OM is just as lost as her, so it's broken attracted to broken. The last OM was a user, both emotionally and financially. And there is at least one other OM I suspect from before, who was also a user. It's going to be a sad, bumpy road if she continues down that path.

Looking back, I'm starting to realize that I think WW has always been this way, sort of needy. In our own dating phase, I remember how quickly she seemed to "fall in love" with me, actually much faster than I did with her. And she had several boyfriends before me, who always seemed to last a year or two before they fizzled out. I think that once we had kids in the picture, those temporarily gave her a purpose so delayed the inevitable for a few years. But after our youngest was around 4, that's when she started to fall apart again. As I said before, I do not believe she is capable right now of sustaining ANY relationship more than a couple of years. It's sad because everyone around her suffers, including her 4 kids, but there isn't anything to be done until she decides to fix herself.

live and learn, be strong, protect decisively in your divorce case and maintain NC.

You are doing well, Hurt

Very insightful post, HurtnAlone. It seems you're making considerable progress. Keep up the good work!

Quick update. Pretty uneventful day overall. No drama, barely heard from WW other than a couple of texts asking about optical insurance. Of course she's out trying to use up every benefit available to her now, since that all goes away after D final. Meaning no medical, dental, prescription, etc. Welcome to your consequences.

Was feeling sort of down, so just for kicks, created a profile on match.com. No, I don't plan on actually using it or dating for a while, but I had something like 10 different women interested in the first few hours. If nothing else, it was a confidence booster. Makes me feel like I'm not going to have any trouble when I finally get ready to take that step. And no matter when that is, I just know I'm going to take some small pleasure in showing WW that yes, there are plenty of women who think you are nuts for what you gave up. It's nice finding some self confidence again. As always, stay strong brothers and sisters.

HurtnAlone, sounds like you won't be alone for long. It sure is an ego booster.

Could you tell how many of these women are married?

[This message edited by marbou888 at 12:09 AM, May 15th (Friday)]

Delete the match.com profile ASAP! If someone stumbles upon it and it gets back to your WW, she might use it against you!

Delete the match.com profile ASAP! If someone stumbles upon it and it gets back to your WW, she might use it against you!

Thanks Hobbes. I had started to think the same thing. At very least, should stay off those kind of sites until D papers filed and everything agreed. I don't think my WW would try to use it against me, as she has actually encouraged me to date, but you never know. And for some strange reason, I actually started to feel guilty about. Makes me realize I'm still miles away from being ready. For now, profile removed.

This is such a tough situation and you're handling it so well! Hobbes is right. Now that you've gotten your ego boost, get rid of your match profile. Keep doing everything you're doing. You're going to be fine.

Glad to hear it! And I'm glad you got your ego boost, I know how much it can mean to a betrayed man! It also makes it easier to wait for the healing to be complete:)

As for the guilt, I totally understand. Around 6 months after my cheating SO dumped me, I made out with a girl at a party, and the next day I felt like I was a cheater. Totally irrational, but the remnants of my love were still so strong.

How was your day otherwise?