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As you can imagine it has been a hell of a day but I am now home. If I thought I was tired before I had no idea what would be in store for me by the end of today. I do plan to go back and read everyone's messages but things are so hectic right now. I did want to share for you that I did get an email from WH - I guess I forgot to block that. I wanted to share it here for you because I know all of you will have wonderful insight and be able to provide some amazing forensic analysis and help me interpret his sincerity...or lack of. I have only removed my name - the rest are his words verbatim.

So, here for you to help decipher (oh, and WH is now blocked on email, too):

My dearest ----------,

I’m sorry but I can’t help but find some way to reach out to you. I want to respect your request to not contact you but it’s too hard and it has barely been an hour since we talked. I see you either deleted your facebook ID or you blocked me already. I know you are on a flight but I have to try to reach you so I am writing you this email and I hope to god somehow it gets to you. I don’t even know what to say but I feel and know at the very least I have to tell you how very sorry I am. I hope you know that even in spite of my stupidity and actions, I do very much love you and I always have. I am pretty sure I always will. I am so sorry you were forced to even ask me that. Of course I love you. I hope one day soon you will let me try to find some way to explain myself. I don’t know what I was looking for. I don’t even know if I was looking for anything at all but I let myself get caught up in something I knew was wrong. I am trying to write this in a way that won’t hurt you more and words don’t really come so easily to me but I just feel I really must say something. Going back to our call, you had so many questions so I want to make sure you have some of those answers so here goes.

Yes, I loved you. I LOVE YOU. I always have and suspect I always will.

Yes, I love being married to you. I hope I get the honor of staying married to you even though I have been such an idiot. I hope you give me a chance to make it up to you.

Yes, you have been a great wife, lover and companion.

No. I do NOT love Candie.

No, other than taking care of Buck and Bella, she has never been to our house for any other reason.

Yes, I swear you it is completely over.

I don’t know why I did it and yes, I always knew what I stood to lose but I still did it. Right now I have no real way to explain it other than I got caught up in the emotion of it.

Yes, I did and do feel guilty, awful guilt but even more I feel shame.

Yes, Bob knows. He saw us one day and later asked me what that was about and I had no way to explain it so him so he told me I was an idiot and needed to do the right thing. I recall he told me I had the best thing going on with you and if I didn’t honor that it would take no time for someone else to take my place. He has known about 2 months. Please don’t be mad at him.

I promise I will not bother the kids although I do want to also apologize to them for hurting their mother if they will let me.

If it helps I want you to know I am miserable. I hate being here knowing that I hurt you so much and have no way to get to you. I hope you won’t move out and will wait until I come home before you leave but I also know you are a woman of your word and I feel lost knowing you plan to leave. If you do leave, please let me know you are safe. I know I have no right to ask but I want to know you are safe. I am sorry you don’t feel safe with me anymore.

I am just sorry.

I am now packing. Yes my friends did show up, too, so there are about 6 friends and family here helping while i just kind of view it all in super slow mo. I want you to know that I have felt all your well wishes, prayers and strength today - propping me up and helping me power through this. I will check in tomorrow and try to keep you posted. Oh - and WH friend, Bob, who knew also showed up wanting to talk to me. Apparently WH called him in full panic and asked him to come speak to me in hopes he could get me on the phone with WH. No. It did not work. Bob said he understood and then got on phone and told WH to honor my wishes. He then did the decent thing and left after fully apologizing to me. Bob is a decent man.

Good night my friends.

(((TOC)))

You are remarkable. Thank you for checking in and sharing.

There will be much discussion about the email your WH sent. Sadly it seems too little too late. You asked many good questions (again, you amaze me...keeping it together while confronting) and he hopefully eased your mind a little if indeed he was truthful.

Bob should have done more if he was considered your friend as well. Informing your husband to give you time and space is the least he could do.

So glad your friends are with you to help you through this horrible night. I hope you can now sleep with a quiet mind and heal a little bit more tonight.

Sending hugs and strength to you.

Wow. What a letter. I cannot imagine how exhausted you must be.

We all know that only you can decide if you want to divorce or reconcile. But ONCE AGAIN, your decisive actions have proven the best way to cut the shit and shock a WS out of their bullshit wayward mindset is to be FIRM, DECISIVE, and IN CONTROL. I pray that others will read your story and learn from you. This is how you get out of infidelity, folks.

71 "I"s. 37 "you"'s.

Off the top of my head...the first paragraph is manipulative and then he moves on to sympathy seeking. The email is not about you, it's about him gaining control by playing on your emotions. To say he doesn't know why is a cop out. He offered you a man and gave you a boy. Yes, he has acknowledged his act and that's about all I see that is worthwhile in the email, and that he wants to apologize to the kids. He was fully aware of what he was doing and the consequence of getting caught. And he did it anyway, over and over.

The only thing that changed for him from the "I can't wait to be inside you again" text to now, is that he got caught. His email pisses me off for you! Stay strong. I'm glad you have such good friends to carry you through.

He seems off balance and a bit shocked. I'm sure you will see tears, anger etc later. Something about his letter was very annoying. He didn't seem apologetic enough, or didn't think it worth some explanation. You're doing great. It's a rollercoaster, a journey, please be gentle on yourself. You may find yourself telling/giving him more insight about how hurt you are and feel embarrassed by it, but it's okay to be vulnerable. He was your spouse for 8 yrs. But try to get back up, take all the support you can get and test all your friendships. ((()))

First off, Bob annoys me. 17 years ago, I caught one of my best friends cheating on his wife. I actually caught them in the act at our workplace. I slapped the taste outta his mouth and told him I was telling his wife. He tried to beat me to his house, but I got there first and told his wife. They divorced. I'm still her friend.

The email is frustrating to me. His, "I think I will always love you", TWICE, made me cringe. Is that supposed to make you want to give him another shot? And there's a shitload of "I"-s and about half as many "you"-s. To me, that shows he's in survival mode, showing regret, not remorse.

I don't have much in the way of deciphering this particular email but here is my overall assessment.

1) Bob knew about it for two months and advised him to end it

2) At some point Bob checked to see if he had in fact ended it. He didn't.

3) He replied to Bob that he hadn't ended it yet but would do so soon.

4) As of September 11, the day before your trip, not only had he not ended it but had no intention of breaking it off as evidenced by "the text"

5) "THE text ended it. He's been 'sick' about it ever since. Didn't see her over my time away - so he says."

Even if you take the last point to be true, it suggests that he only ended it once he felt absolutely forced to. NOT from the "guilt or shame", NOT when his friend caught him, NOT when his friend reminded him. Further, "THE text" insinuates he had every intention of taking advantage of your absence.

6) "I am trying to write this in a way that won’t hurt you more."

Does that mean if he explained it bluntly it would be even more hurtful than what he already said and wrote thus far?

7) "I always knew what I stood to lose but I still did it."

Brazen and arrogant.

8) "Other than taking care of Buck and Bella, she has never been to our house for any other reason.

Did they do it at her place, knowing there is 9 year old close by? Did he make elaborate plans by booking a hotel room? Did they do it in one of their vehicles- leaving the chance to be seen by passersby? None of these options are less distasteful.

Also, he didn't at any point consider, how much more hurtful this was since he knew you were cheated on before and how much that left you reeling.

[This message edited by Ilovejoe at 12:36 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

"I" "I" "i"... Yes he's sorry but only because he got caught. He wasn't planning on telling you. He was planning on "ending" it and then taking that secret to his grave. Pansy.

I don’t know why I did it and yes, I always knew what I stood to lose but I still did it. Right now I have no real way to explain it other than I got caught up in the emotion of it.

Yes, I did and do feel guilty, awful guilt but even more I feel shame.

This is a big bucket of shit...Not good enough. He ALWAYS knew what he stood to lose but he went on and fucked someone else for 4 months. He then not too long ago sent her a text saying "I can't wait to be inside you again", sent it to you by accident and proceeded to delete the proof. So he's guilty because he got caught, plain and simple. Guilt and shame ARE NOT ENOUGH for the SHEER HELL he has put you through these last few days. SORRY is not enough. What does "caught up in the emotion of it" even mean?? He said didn't love CANDIE, so what exactly did he feel for her? It was type of emotion right?

TOC,

If you are willing to talk to him when you are ready, I hope for your sake he can find his balls where he threw them for CANDIE and give more answers to your questions. It's only natural that you get closure. That sack of nothing better find those answers, dig deep within his spineless and soulless self and find out WHY.

(((Hugs)))

Yes, there's a lot of "I"s, but since it's written from his perspective, I think that's to be expected. I don't think there's much use in deciphering this. It's obvious that he's quickly written it and he will also be in shock. If it's answers and a heartfelt apology that you're after I think that it will come, but probably after he's had more time to do a little self reflection. I'm not aware of any wayward that has their shit together on discovery day.

Go figure. I can't sleep. So....

Calistoga is planned. I leave on Saturday for at least a week. Now I plan to look at all the wonderful spa treatment options, yoga and exercise classes and will plan to spoil myself rotten.

That guest house I want to rent is a go but I can only get the use of it for 4 weeks. I said I'll take it. Looks like a dollhouse so I'm excited to see if it meets that expectation and will be the retreat I think it will be.

I really hope and think it will be.

I see my lawyer friend today. I did not mention to WH that I filed. In the midst of the painful call I just forgot. He's going to be more surprised than I was setting him up to be. It was one thing to say I was filing, it was quite another to find out I already had and to get the papers so soon. To not even know I filed and then get papers in the next few days will be a real shock. I'm not backing down.

And so now the OW is starting to weigh heavily on my mind. She already has started to creep into all my thoughts now that I know who she is. Now in my mind, I see them together. Everywhere! It's excruciating. I wish I didn't know. I really do. I'm not being vain but she is a big step down. I give her credit - she is a small business owner and single mom but still, a big step down. I know I said I loved her but now - not so much. I can't imagine what she was thinking - risking her business reputation for a fling with my WH. Maybe the plan was bigger than a fling for her. Probably. She can have him. Fuck! See? I wish I knew nothing about her.

I am in my/our bed tonight. At this moment I am looking at it as the very last time I will be here. I am going to stay with my daughter until I leave on Saturday and she is going to come and spend the first 2 nights with me in Calistoga. I look forward to some healing time with her.

Most of my personal things are packed. I'm not worrying about big items, furniture and stuff. I'd almost rather start over with everything new anyway. I wish I had our dogs. Unfortunately I don't know where they are! One of my girlfriends said she will make arrangements to pick mine up. She just lives up the street and will know when WH gets back. She says she'll have her husband pick up my dog and they will take care of her until I get back. Luckily the rental property says I can keep her there, too.

I am examining every aspect of my conversation with WH. Sadly most of it is a big blur.

I have been reading your messages and appreciate everyone's faith in me. I feel nothing like you describe me. I wonder who it is you're even talking about but you have to know that I would have done none of this "right" (if such a way exists under the circumstances) if you had not so selflessly guided me through with all your posts. My actions are a reflection of all of you. If I did it mostly right, it's because of you. So thank you. From the very bottom of my heart, thank you.

Your WH email is all a big cover your ass letter. Doesnt really sound like he is acknowledging what he did. He is making excuses and minimizing. This is total bs. As others said, he only stopped when he was caught by you. Why? Not out of live or respect but to try to say "see i live you so i ended it" he was even called out by a friend twie and that wasnt enough. 4 months is a long time to continue fo betray someone.

((((TOC))))

I'm having a rough night so had time to read your thread. I'll echo everyone who is giving you big kudos. Uber class woman! Of course you're a wreck, but you've been doing the very best you could. Btw--I wonder if, like me, you rarely used the word fuck before Dday. Those floodgates opened that day for me and that word has been a trusted friend since!

My unfortunate impression is how seemingly easy it was for your husband to fall into his affair. No big stressors, health scares, parents dying, shared work drama. Really, all it takes is some flirting at the dog park? That would be my biggest concern in your shoes. What's to work through? Where are his walls that are supposed to be built around your marriage. How could you feel safe?

I am trying mightily hard to R after much worse, but considering your entire story I wonder if the pain would ultimately end faster with him out of your life.

Best to you.

Catlover50:

My unfortunate impression is how seemingly easy it was for your husband to fall into his affair. No big stressors, health scares, parents dying, shared work drama.

Yep, I keep coming back to the "Why?" It was so easy. No way I'm gonna say our marriage was perfect but based on my history, it was a massive improvement. We didn't fight a lot or really at all. Sometimes I hear that's an issue but really, we were very compatible and enjoyed an easy going life. So yes, I certainly worry he could just stumble down the rabbit hole again at anytime for no reason what so every. I mean he literally slipped and fell and his penis landed in her!

Tonight one of my GF said, "men need to be needed and you aren't needy. OW probably was. Stupid reason but why the hell else would he do something so stupid?" So I don't know. I can't answer that for him. Only he can but he probably will have to look pretty deep for the answer.

And yes, FUCK was not part of my everyday vocab but damn it feels good to say it now. Fuck him. Fuck her. Fuck them.

Big hugs to you. The letter the "my dearest" set me off big time. My husband is a serial cheater liar lives in a fantasy online world where I've come across letters to other women starting "my dearest". Guess how the apology letter after I caught him the first time started? It also mentioned honor etc. it was like he was playing a role and writing a grand romantic apology like you would see in a movie. My husbands letter was creepily fake. Your husband if he normally doesn't use the term my dearest is faking it right now. True remorse isn't hid in flowery words like dearest and honor. That email I feel would have started with just your name or just right in with apologies. There is too much calculated thought behind my dearest.

I think the letter was a little bla for me. It was safe and controlled. He was only saying things that wouldn't hurt you and that you wanted to hear. He didn't blameshift, he didn't beg for a second change and he didn't try to make you feel guilty for sending him on vacation alone...he stuck to the safe questions ... yes I love you, no I don't love her, and didn't answer the hard questions... I don't know why I did it and continued to do it for 5 months. But... what answer could he give that would be acceptable and not cause more pain?

Two things you asked of him - 1. Not to contact you (broke that within an hour) with a letter and a had a "friend" bob visit 2. Not to contact the kids....wants to break that one too.

Also, we all know that the ... let me know you are safe message was to get you to contact him so that he could work his magic on you. You can just leave a note at the house saying you are safe if you want.

He is very smart,careful and controlled. I think he figured even if he got caught he would be able to talk his way back.

Bob doesn't bug me that much. Yes, he should have told you but I believe he thought your WH was going to end it. It does bug me that your WH knew what he was going to lose, and was even caught, and that the person even followed up at least once...and he was still sending "Inside you" type texts up until vacation time....It took REALLY being caught for him to end it but even then he didn't confess.

What I Love! I love that Bob saw and reported back that you were moving out and had the help of friends and family. WH knows that you are serious and that you aren't keeping this a secret. I love that you had 6 friends home with you, I love that you are able to find even a spark of excitement for the "doll house" you are going to move into. I love that you are picking out spa treatments and planning a trip without him. You are going to be fine.

[This message edited by Freeme at 7:42 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

Among other things, he's saying I know you want me to leave you alone and I want to respect that but I need to send this letter so he's being extremely selfish and he's disrespecting your wishes right off the bat.

Your WH's email could have been written by just about any of the WS on this site that got caught. He has the key words-- sorry, guilt, shame, loves you, doesn't know why...It's not a bad letter, more like a start. If he wants to be worthy of the honor of being your husband, he has to figure out his "why." There's probably more than one--poor self esteem, bad boundaries, knight in shining armor (KISA), are some of the ones my WH has dealt with. It takes digging deep and not getting caught up in the shame to fix what's broken in him. Seeing a counselor would be good for him. So the email is superficial and he likely has no clue about the long, hard slog before him to fix himself if he really wants to be a safe partner for you.

Definitely try the yoga at the spa. After dday, I found yoga class was the one place I focused solely on me, a 45 min. break from infidelity once/week.

Yes, I loved you. I LOVE YOU. I always have and suspect I always will

.

That emotion he describes, sadly does not translate into appropriate action, and as such, isn't much worth a hill of beans.

I don’t know why I did it and yes, I always knew what I stood to lose but I still did it. Right now I have no real way to explain it other than I got caught up in the emotion of it.

Sort of reinforces that the type of love he has to offer is not really safe, huh? So, it is not simply that you don't feel safe with him right now, in reality he actually is not safe.

He's no special snowflake, at this stage of discovery, almost no WS understands their own brokenness, assholery or why. If he ever wanted to explore that answer it will take him months, and months and months, if not years, of IC to understand why AND fix it.

I also know you are a woman of your word

You deserve to be with someone whom you know that about, too.

ETA: In my universe, to be worth anything or mean anything - Love is a VERB. Not a feeling.

So, take some wonderful care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up with the why you didn't see this, you wouldn't. As someone who has integrity, you simply assumed he had that attribute as well. We all do that. Hell, we all DID that, or we wouldn't be here. It isn't a character flaw to assume the best of our mates, however, lying, cheating and manipulating are serious flaws. If it truly takes one to know one, how in the world would you have ever known if he didn't get caught red handed.

Know that you will likely go through all the stages of grief, loss creates grief. The only way through it is through it. Let yourself feel what you feel in the safety of your retreat. Process it so you can get rid of it. Expect each step and know that each stage is one step closer to the other side of this mess.

We are all with you.

[This message edited by JustWow at 8:27 AM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

I believe his letter is sincere. Mny WS want to take it all back when caught. I believe he loves you and wants to stay married. But it doesn't change the fact that he cheated.

I always said it was a divorce until my husband cheated. Just like you, there was no reason. We were always together, got along very well, and rarely had disagreements.

I had a hard time deciding to stay married but we had 22 great years until then. That's why I tryed to R.

It is up to you to whether you have to stick with straight to divorce or not. How long have you been married?