SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wow. You don't feel strong, TOC, but you are...and even when you're crying, screaming, scared, etc., you're still strong. This healing shit is not an overnight, a week, or a month process. Lean on your friends and us...I promise it will get better in (that dreaded four-letter word) time.

I have seen some posts suggesting that you may want to R in the future. Possible, but I would continue with the D. There are members who have done this - D'd and re-married after their WS got IC and moved heaven and earth. Not really something you should be concerning yourself about at this juncture as your WS has some serious issues that you cannot fix. He is too broken. Professional help, and a great deal of it, may help, but only time will tell. He has to be willing to do this AND be willing to accept that your M is at an end. Make himself a better person and positive example for his kids.

Or, you may find that his betrayal is a total dealbreaker and you are done, and you'll never have that same feeling for him that makes a marriage a marriage. There are people who stay (R) for many reasons and are not truly happy, but happy enough...and that's ok too for those who feel that way. I don't think you're one of those folks...and that's ok too!

Everyone. Is. Different. I would not entertain keeping R options open for you at this point - JMHO. I think you are doing the right thing, even though I do see that you're slightly questioning it. It's because of your pain. The one person who used to be your lean-on for that has hurt you. It's surreal and painful. I think the trip will do you a world of good, and you have one hell of a support system IRL and here.

Hugs!

Lala

I don't post much anymore but I have to say you are amazing! You remind me of Karmita. (Maybe someone will have better luck than me and link her post.)

I hope they have a WHAAAMBULANCE waiting for your WH when he gets back. That is one of the whiniest "poor me" letters ever written.

Candy in the toilet! Awesome!

And I relate to the description of roiling, contradictory emotions.

Yeah, how can we sit with friends, laugh and talk about other things while that internal barrage is going on? But we do.

I've found a couple of topics by Karmita, here are her amazing posts:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=506542

https://207.235.44.251/forums.asp?tid=507502&AP=1

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=510137

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 12:52 PM, September 23rd (Friday)]

I want to put in a good word for WH here. As a lying, guilty, foolish, entitled, selfish, deceitful cheater, at least he tried with his letter and phone call to show some semblance of being sorry. At least he is beginning to realize what he has done. Many BS on this site say that immediate remorse (or rather beginning to feel remorse, I know it takes time and lots of effort to truly get there) is one of the things that has helped them know their wayward spouse is committed to R, because they came out of their fog right after the affair bubble was burst and have worked hard to humbly make changes. There is much more for him to learn and do, of course, but okay, so his letter wasn’t what it should have been. We all here have the benefit of our experiences and the tutoring we get here on SI, but let’s remember he is messed up in his head and broken, that’s why he felt it was okay for him to have an affair in the first place. He is clueless about how to go about apologizing, acknowledging responsibility and feeling true remorse. If he had been on this site for a few months, we might be justified in tearing into his letter, but not now. He does not have the skills or ability. The real test is if he will make the effort to learn how to be a better man. I would venture to say that those here on SI who have been successful in R, and truly changing, did not know how to go about doing this right at first.

That being said, TOC, your inner strength has been a wonderful example to me. You are standing up for yourself, and taking care of yourself. I didn’t have that when I found out, but I am getting better at it. I hope it is something I can learn, since I wasn’t naturally gifted with it. Peace.

WordsofWisdom - that Karmita is indeed a rockstar. That was fun reading.

He's baaaaackkkk.

I only know because my girlfriend's husband made arrangements with him to get my dog like he promised. WH told him he would take care of her but GF's husband said he promised his wife and me that he would get the dog and they would care for her while I was gone. WH tried to argue the dogs were companions and it was better they stay together. GF's husband told him if only he felt the same way about us, maybe they wouldn't be having that conversation. He then told him he was taking the dog. No ifs, ands or buts. I have a huge crush on GF's hubby right now.

WH asked how I was but GF hubby truly couldn't give any update since I haven't seen him and my friends have sworn to a wall of silence. I didn't ask or make them promise that but they all pinky-sweared and we know there is no breaking a pinky swear amongst girlfriends! GF hubby told GF that WH looks like hell. SCORE! No word on the skittles-riddled toilets.

I was curious as to whether WH would call or text OW after our call, even just to tell her they'd been found out. I know they could be communicating a hundred other ways than by phone and text but there is still no trail by phone. So there's that. I hate that I even look. Weak!

Oh, I also decided to just book a hotel rather than stay with daughter. I figured he might coming looking for me, even just driving by. I didn't want to risk it. Daughter is staying with me so I'm not lonely.

I did the one thing today I was really dreading. I visited my lovely mother and told her. She broke down but first, in true Mom fashion, she found a way to make it about her, in a funny way. She said she has been ready 'to go' (you know...to heaven, like she always does) only because she knew I would be well cared for. Now she couldn't. So it's my fault! I told her "good!" I wanted her to stick around longer. Then she cried. Like I said, she loved him. Then she wanted to know who the whore was. Yes, my mom actually called her a whore. Then I took her for ice cream. I love my mom. We're gonna be OK.

And so tomorrow I'm off. I'm not taking my laptop and my phone will mostly be off but if I do get a chance, I will try to update all of you on any new developments.

Oh, and today I did have my STD tests. So that's not at all humiliating! Yay, me!

TOC, I want adventure updates!! Tell us about the pampering and delicious food, fine wine and all the men that want your attention but aren't getting it! Lol

Sorry, that's MY fantasy but you can share it with me!!! Have a superb time... Enjoy the beginning of a new chapter in your life that you get to script!

Actually, I think your story would make a fab empowerment movie. Just don't share the royalties with "you know who"!

Sorry... I'm hitting the wine tonight as my assHole of a husband is MIA and he supposedly wanted to celebrate my bday. Did I mention he's an asshole? Anyway, at least you are on the road to better things with people who love and support you. I can't wait for the next update. Have fun for me too xo

Oh, to confront, have WH flying all over the planet while you clean your shit out of his house, have another man rescue your dog and throw a dig at WH simultaneously, all while divorce papers are prepared and you are jetting off to a spa for a week.

This is every SI BS's motherfucking fantasy DDay follow-up!!! Seriously, a Hollywood director could not have orchestrated this shock and awe better.

Boom! You, TOC are a motherf**king superstar!!

WH tried to argue the dogs were companions and it was better they stay together. GF's husband told him if only he felt the same way about us, maybe they wouldn't be having that conversation

.

BOOM!! I think I love your girlfriend's husband.

I hate that I even look. Weak!

There is nothing weak about you.

TOC

WH tried to argue the dogs were companions and it was better they stay together. GF's husband told him if only he felt the same way about us, maybe they wouldn't be having that conversation.

Pure. Gold.

Shit, even your friends husbands are rock stars.

Enjoy your time at the spa. We're here when you need us.

(((((TOC))))

Other than your cheating husband you are surrounded by the most amazing people. Pinkie promises are sacred and your girl friends rock. Crushing on your friends husband (there are good men out there, wish I knew where they hang out)! And your mom, what a sassy lady!

Enjoy your time in your spamgetaway and then your cute cottage. Hopefully your WH stays away and contemplates his horrible choices.

Wishing you peace, healing and good wine.

WhotheBleep:

Oh, to confront, have WH flying all over the planet while you clean your shit out of his house, have another man rescue your dog and throw a dig at WH simultaneously, all while divorce papers are prepared and you are jetting off to a spa for a week.

This is every SI BS's motherfucking fantasy DDay follow-up!!! Seriously, a Hollywood director could not have orchestrated this shock and awe better.

OMG, just looking at what you wrote feels so surreal to me. How did that get to be my life? Ten days ago I was blissfully unaware that my life would be spiraling out of my control and my marriage would be swirling down the toilet. (Far too many analogies and references to toilets!) I kinda wish I could shove all of this back into Pandora's Box, lock it up and go back to being blissfully unaware. What a nightmare!

As to the divorce, I can have him served anytime after Monday. I'm struggling to pull the trigger., to give a day. My stomach is in knots.

You do what you gotta do...

WH tried to argue the dogs were companions and it was better they stay together. GF's husband told him if only he felt the same way about us, maybe they wouldn't be having that conversation.

LOVE THIS!!!!

House - thanks for making me chuckle!!!!!

Divorce papers. I just sent my attorney an email and told her just pick a day, any day. I didn't want to know which day. I was going off on a spa retreat and didn't want to be stressing on whatever that day might be. I would leave it in her hands but to go ahead and serve him. I was hoping it would make the knots in my stomach quiet down. No such luck. I am actually nauseous.

Actually, I think your story would make a fab empowerment movie. Just don't share the royalties with "you know who

Great minds think alike, I was thinking this earlier today.

Here I am, going on a very long time trying to find evidence, and it just falls in your lap. Still sorry it happened to you, but oh, how lucky you are. No PIs, VARs, Dr. Fone, just into your lap it falls. Movie like conditions.

Enjoy your time, did you decide Calistoga? Hope skip and a couple of jumps from me. Have as wonderful time you can. Actually, go ahead and have a wonderful time because all this crap will still be around, unfortunately.

You are giving him a taste of consequences. Go away, enjoy your trip and focus on you. If you still feel uneasy about the divorce you can put it on hold. Don't feel trapped by your decisions, you are still holding all the cards.

BTW - I would have loved to have seen his face when he lifted the toilet lid.