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lol of course didn't see the "I'll keep the baby now" coming..

Grown man, let him get on with it. He's a big boy and will handle it how he sees fit

Hi, director, just a quiet word of caution.

talking with my priest on Tuesday

I'm very skeptical of advice given by priests. Understand this is based on my own life.

Had my father NOT listened to his priest, my step mother, my two brothers, and myself would have been spared years of living hell. Years.

Had my step mother NOT listened to her priest, she would have been spared years of abuse.

My father was miserable, hence the entire family was miserable. He hated his life, I mean hated it. He listened to the priest talk him into something that was not in his heart at the time, but he was too overcome with emotion to realize it, and the entire family paid a huge price.

Once the baby is born the child will be yours. It won't matter what a DNA test might reveal. Legally the child will be yours. Why even bother getting a DNA test after the child is born? It'll be yours no matter the result.

Right now you have a choice regarding supporting the child or not. Once the child is born you have no choice. If she leaves you, you will still be expected to support the child along with your own. She can leave both children for you to look after. She was going to leave your child with you and abandon it.

You are giving up choice by following this plan. Please talk to your lawyer to determine all of the pros and cons for your state.

I’m not clear on the statement that keeps appearing “the child is legally his once born”.

If paternity is established soon after birth and the child is not his child AND his name is not listed as the father on the birth certificate, how does that make him responsible for the support of this child?

I have read a number of stories here on SI where the husband fathered a child while the OW was married and had to financially support the child. And the wife had to accept that her husband was obligated to do so and have visitation as well.

Obviously the laws vary by state - I understand that.

But I don’t understand the statement that if Director waits to establish paternity upon birth that the baby is legally his. Can someone clarify this please.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:39 AM, January 19th (Saturday)]

The1stWife, it depends on where he lives and is up to the discretion of a judge. There are cases where a man has to pay for a child that's not his even after disputing paternity soon after birth because he originally signed the birth certificate. It's not common but it could happen.

From what I've gathered all non invasive tests are more likely to be false and inaccurate and a waste of time and money.

Director, where are you getting this information? I'm seeing that the tests are as accurate as normal DNA tests - 99.9%. Logically it doesn't even make any sense that suddenly they can't see the DNA clearly when they're able to get it just because pregnancy is involved? Pregnancy doesn't alter your genotype.

I'm the last one who stated that here, 1stWife. I could be wrong, of course. The laws do vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction but I'm not a lawyer. There have been stories here on SI where this has happened. If director doesn't sign the birth certificate perhaps he will still have a choice to raise the child as his own or not - to financially support or not.

I will stand solidly behind the recommendation for director to go to a lawyer and find out what the legal implications to him are. Find out what his rights are and what the risks are.

I would also tell director to not go to MC. It is far too soon. There are too many stories of the BS harmed farther in attempts to save the patient - the marriage - at the expense of the BS. IC, IC, IC for both. If there is no all in by the WS, no full immersion into wanting genuinely (not damage control, not regret) to R there is no purpose for MC.

But I don’t understand the statement that if Director waits to establish paternity upon birth that the baby is legally his. Can someone clarify this please.

Because they're legally married, so in some states, by default, he is the legal father.

Depending on where he lives, it could be much, much more difficult and expensive to fight paternity if the child isn't his after birth.

RE seeing a priest. Raised catholic myself - I'm just saying take the priest's advice as you would anyone elses... he may have spiritual advice - if it resonates with you then take it. To me I would take with a grain of salt advice from anyone who is not married (the priest IS just a man - trying to give advice based on the laws of the catholic church). For what it's worth I'd seek the council of people here on SI - the ones that can give you hindsight of 4-5-10 or more years. No one is telling you what to do - they're just telling you what they've experienced. On a spiritual level - you can forgive your wife (whether you reconcile OR divorce - she's a flawed human - as we all are) ...in the real world - this is your life - what do you want? Do you want to live worrying that your wife will act out in these behaviors? Do you want to take the chance that with the right meds and therapy she'll be the person you thought you married? But you'll have to wait a damn long time to be sure of that. I can understand - you are all over the place - you're thinking "for better or for worse" (and this IS the worst - having been through it all - this is worse than sickness and death). Just take it day by day - See this priest - See the lawyer - yes a baby is on the way so with that in mind you do need to process it all a bit quicker - Big breaths - you sound like a great guy - hang in there. Know that on some level - all this is happening for a reason...But for the moment ~ live in the moment (ex. take a walk alone in nature or take your son to the park - something to just be in the moment)...nothing has to be decided THIS MINUTE. Stand back and observe - you'll know what you should do ...

Just to recap; you went from “fuck that bitch there’s no way I’m not divorcing” to grasping at straws that maybe it’s your kid, and if so you can all just pretend this never happened... cancel the lawyer. It’s as if somebody flipped a switch in you. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time, as we all have said. But something had to have happened to make you do a complete mental 180.

It’s none of my business, but please remember one thing; it was her CHOICE to cheat on you for months. She claims she didn’t really want to have sex with him, but kept going back for more. My WW said the same thing. I eventually had to come to terms with the fact that even though her AP did play her a little bit, she went back for more because she wanted to.

Many choices here. Listen to your own voice. What do you want? What would you like 10, 20 years from now? What would be best for your son?

Get advice and pray for wisdom. Sleep and exercise so your thinking is sharp. Make your choice and be at peace with it.

You haven't lashed out in anger and done something crazy. I think you will make the right choice for you and your son and be just fine.

In my state my lawyer has informed me that because we are married the child will be legally mine and it will be my decision to release my rights if I so choose. He explained that given the circumstances I would have no problem in doing so if the child isn't biologically mine.

He explained that given the circumstances I would have no problem in doing so if the child isn't biologically mine.

Ok glad to hear your lawyer gave you the advice as that is the only one you should be listening too in the legal sense.

However there is still a rather large white elephant in the room and as per your post is a really horrible WW. Even if the child somehow miraculously turns out to be yours. Why would you want to stay with someone who is your worst nightmare. The choice of course is yours but seriously why?

Director,

I've just read through your thread and my heart goes out to you. You're getting great advice and I admire your will to take time to do the right thing. I too was certain I'd D for the first weeks after DDay nearly 3 years ago and have been working to R since that time. (We are in a really good place now but it took 31 months of working toward R before we made real progress)

Something I've not seen anyone mention in 12 pages, and I think you should just double check with your attorney, is whether ww could be charged with sexual harassment or some kind of inappropriate sexual activity having been the assistant manager of the om. And if so, would your joint assets be at risk?

Perhaps I'm hyper sensitive to this because it's the one sensible thing that I kept at the front of mind when I first suspected the A. WH was OWs boss. Had I gone ape shit and demanded he fire her, or had I gone to their HR directly, she would absolutely have played the manipulated sexretary card and filed a claim. He certainly would have been fired and a 30yr career (and pension) would have been gone

If OM is still in love with WW or decides he wants to have parental rights could he play these cards to make trouble.

I also noticed you haven't responded to suggestions to have your 2yo sons paternity confirmed. I'm curious how you feel about this. There are things I wish I'd confirmed... also things I wish I'd let go. In your circumstance I would need to know for certain that he is my son as the what ifs would otherwise consume me.

Given the potential ppd or other MH diagnosis which WW may be manipulating to benefit her case should you choose to move forward with D... or to keep you considering R... (or might be real of course) I would want to make certain that this A was really her first and confirm sons paternity.

So many contradictions…

Your priorities worry me… First a therapist, then a priest and only then an attorney. "Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and unto God the things that are God's" – discern between dogma, secular and society. Realize you are facing separate issues: your marriage and the decision to divorce or reconcile is totally separate to the issue about paternity of the child.

Your wife is totally against abortion but is OK with the morning-after pill? The view of the Vatican is that if it’s used before possible conception the MAP is contraception, but if used after conception it’s abortion. Totally irrespective of your (or her) religion or dogma then AT LEAST be aware of the contradictions and be realistic in how you can’t go along selectively deciding what and when rules apply.

It’s like you are in a foot-race and suddenly, your opponent zips by on a motorbike, and you keep thinking that it’s OK for now because she has a slight limp.

Now the test is questionable… OK – so it’s questionable. I would agree that basing a life-altering decision on one test is not sensible. But it only takes about 30 minutes of googling non-intrusive paternity testing to see that a legally-accepted NON-INTRUSIVE test is available for less than 500 bucks. That’s probably on par with a couple of hours with an attorney. If your WW is willing to sign off on access to therapy, she should be willing to send in another test.

Director: You can reconcile. It’s possible and there are men that have successfully reconciled with a wife that gave birth to another man’s child. But you can also divorce. It’s your call.

I have already in an earlier post given you what I guess are your odds of remaining married 2 years from now, and those odds aren’t high.

There are reasons for my pessimism:

There is more to your WW and OM relationship than you know or share. She has known him from when he joined the family-company after HS. There is some history there.

OM will always be on the periphery of your marriage. Getting fired from the family company won’t make him disappear. Even IF he is not the father you will be encountering him professionally for years. If he’s the father – IRRESPECTIVE of legal paternity – the odds are very high you will be encountering him for the next 18-20 years.

Your WW mental state and maturity. Like many I question what made her tell you about OM.

[I don’t think your wife is the sneaky master-mind some think she is. There are simpler ways to get a divorce than getting impregnated by OM. Like simply telling you she wants a divorce…]

I also question what basis it seems likely you plan on entering reconciliation.

It MUST be a basis of openness and truth. That “truth” includes resolving the paternity issue.

I also think – based SOLELY on what you share – that OM won’t simply slink away. He already knows the doubts about paternity. In your first post it’s your wife and OM that do the test. He is around you, in your field, in your city, in your circle of friends and acquaintances.

He MIGHT sue for paternity or he might not. But for the rest of the child’s life there will be rumors, hints, accusations… whatever. Irrespective of YOUR right then IMHO the child has the right to be correctly fathered. OM will tell his sibling, co-workers will gossip about why he was fired (and believe me – co-workers WILL have known of the affair), he will tell his best friend Bud who tells his wife Sue who tells…. Everyone…

As for the legal POV… Child can be correctly registered on the birth certificate and, but a legally binding custody arrangement guarantee what access OM has. I’m also guessing that if – when child is a little older – you think you two as a couple are past the infidelity then OM would gladly accept you adopt the child and he gets off the CS.

T/J of sorts that begins with the statement that I am not an attorney:

1st Wife: In most (if not all) states and Western countries there is an automatic assumption that the husband of a married woman is the father. This assumption can even extend to a period past divorce. There isn’t a legal process that needs to be entered to confirm that paternity. Even if the husband contests paternity his name will (probably) be entered on the birth-certificate and then the father needs to start a process to have that changed. If nobody protests, then it’s a relatively easy process. There is usually a window of opportunity to contest paternity – usually 2 years from the birth of the child. That window can be further restricted by when the husband is informed he might not be the father. You can

In this instance the PROBABLE scenario is that if Director does not officially contest paternity his name will be automatically entered as the father. If he doesn’t contest the paternity after he has reason to doubt he is the father its possible (and probable) that if he does contest paternity in a year or so there might be an assumption that SINCE he had reason to doubt paternity at birth he had his chance to contest at birth.

It’s a bit like if you buy a car that has a serious fault that you become aware off on the first day. If you drive the car for 5 years you can’t go to the dealer and claim a new car due to the fault – something you might be entitled to in the first couple of months.

Mental problems may explain why she is acting the way she did.

But they do not EXCUSE her infidelity. She knew it was wrong and she knew it would destroy the marriage and family, but she did it anyway. She just never thought she would get caught.

Mental problems usually do not go away - like an infection treated with antibiotics. It takes years of treatment to deal with them and there is never a guarantee that they will never return

A question,

Has your WW past the time its allowed.to.do an amniocentesis test? It's a test of the fetus to see if there any life threatening spinal issues with it. Could it be possible to get a DNA test with that test if it's still viable

...there are men that have successfully reconciled with a wife that gave birth to another man’s child.

I, and probably most BH's, could never in a million years do this. Director, I wish you luck Sir.

Hello Director. I wish you a lot of luck if you decide to stay with WW. I think you are going to need it. She cheated on you after birth of her first kid. When says she never will do it again. Remember she will give birth again from a kid that isn't even yours. She will be depressed again and probably will seek comfort with the only man who understands her like previous. The bio father from the second kid. As many say. Even if she cheats again and you both divorce later you will be paying her for the kid wich isn't yours. Now she is in panic and doing everything to keep you. You ard the one that's earning money. OP is broke now without a job. It is you that need to take the decision. only you. But take it for you and you're son. Not for the cheating wife. She has shown what she is capable of and most likely will do again.

Has your WW past the time its allowed.to.do an amniocentesis test? It's a test of the fetus to see if there any life threatening spinal issues with it. Could it be possible to get a DNA test with that test if it's still viable

The non invasive prenatal DNA tests claim to be 99.9% accurate. But Director has researched and believes that the test done by his WW and AP may be inaccurate based on reviews of the testing company they used.

But as Bigger mentioned the same type of test can be done with a more reputable testing co. (One which would be accepted by courts even). But for the second test scenario Director would be submitting his DNA instead of comparing against the AP.

As others have stressed knowledge is power. Knowing whether Director is the father or not will go a long way in helping him make the best decisions for him and his son. And it would help his WW too because she might know sooner what her future holds with Director. I imagine her stress levels are very high given the shaky ground she has created for herself and the unborn child. That stress is not good for the baby not to mention everyone else.

Director. I think it is too soon to make any permanent decisions about yiur future.

It’s only been a few days and you are most likely not in a position to make those kind of decisions right now.

FWIW my H had two EAs and the second one was serious enough he wanted a D. In fact in DDay 2 he had demanded a D.

The odds were against us being able to reconcile and be happy. It had a been 5 years since DDay2 and things have been going well. But it took a lot of work and commitment from him to move past this

My point is it can work out if both parties are 100% committed to R.

All affairs are horrific to the BS. Odds are against most marriages surviving an affair. But it can happen