SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I understand that most opinion is to wait for more proof of an affair before you confront her, my question is WHY? Why let this go any further, i know that you think that it might push it further underground, but seioursly would you want to be with someone who goes even further to deceive you? In my case i wish i had of had the proof that you are talking of, and then i could have said, i know something is going on, so make your choice me or her! You already have proof EA or PA get this over with if you dont stop this now, and you find out later that to this day it was only EA but next week it turned PA how would you not regret busting this up now!

Because he doesn't want to be TT and gaslighted. Ever been gaslighted? The first chapter in the cheaters handbook is DENY DENY DENY. At this point she can deny and claim that they're just friends sending some inappropriate texts, that they were just flirting or joking around.

He's doing the right thing by getting irrefutable confirmation before he confronts.

Why let this go any further,

I agree, but he should at least wait for the lab results since he has already invested in that. Either way, just because there is nothing on the panties doesn't mean she is not cheating.

He still needs to do it in a way that he is comfortable with and makes sense to him.

PS! Protect your daughter.

I'm just amazed that she has noticed that the panties are gone. Has she inquired about them?

I bet she's noticed just afraid to inquire

Dont reveal your info..... Get your ducks lined up. Contact an attorney and know your rights and where exactly stand if it comes to a divorce. As the stay at home parent I would assume you would get primary custody, child support and maintainance. Double check with an attorney. Create a master plan in the event your D. Remember preperation does not mean its over. Also its recommended here to get as much info on OM as possible. If he is married inform his W. Inform the company as to whats going on. Nothing kills an illicit A. like a does of reality. Try and keep yourself together eat right and excercise. This is going to be a long and painfull few months for you. But played smart you can come out of this smelling like roses. Please keep posting and read the healing library. Other posters will be along with much needed help and advice. Good luck my friend. Im sorry your here. But your in the right place.

First of all this is excellent practical advice.

Secondly...

You may be too stunned to be in the place to hear or act on it. But do keep your info to yourself for a bit til she gets back.

If she is truly remorseful she may be willing to work on the marriage and you may save it. But you will need to tell her you know about what's going on. She must be willing to submit all pw's -even work ones- as well as pw's on the computer private emails/cells.

I would sit tight and not work yet. They're right about being a stay at home parent working out in your favor if this goes further. She will have to support you, and you will be awarded at least primary physical custody as the primary caregiver of the child.

Hugs. Welcome here. Sorry you had to join us tho.

J

I'm just amazed that she has noticed that the panties are gone. Has she inquired about them?

Hahaha! Not to go off topic, but we women do not normally buy our underclothes in packages of 6. We pick them individually, and we have our "favorites" that match our favorite other under unmentionables. Even if she was not concerned they had any incriminating evidence on them, she might be missing them eventually.

I bet she's noticed just afraid to inquire

Yup. She's hoping against hope. Once that thong becomes the topic of conversation, the fantasy world evaporates real quick.

I'm just amazed that she has noticed that the panties are gone. Has she inquired about them?

She hasn't, although she has quite a number of other pairs. It's possible she might not miss them, or have even noticed. If she really intended to hide them from me when they were in the suitcase, then she's probably freaking out a little bit inside, perhaps.

Another woman chiming in to say I know exactly where my panties are all the time and could probably tell you if they're in the hamper, in the lingerie sack, drying, or in the drawer. So I wouldn't take her question as indicative of anything at all other than she's missing her pants.

Women just mindf*ck this sort of thing, it's part of our ability to multitask.

Hmmm....I don't have fancy ones so I just have to say that I'm not a big underwear person and if I'm missing a pair I figure they're in a basket somewhere or the washer ate them.

However I've never done anything to have someone find my underwear suspicious and in need of confiscation either. So she may be wondering but also would never probably ask you where they are because she wouldn't wish to make herself seem suspicious.

You're a brave man.

After my STBXWH announced what he'd been up to I couldn't touch his laundry. It was a disgusting thought to me. :(

I'm just amazed that she has noticed that the panties are gone.

She may think she left them at the hotel. Or that the OM snatched them, which would freak me out.

If I recall correctly, didn't you say this was the one pair she didn't submit to you for laundering and left in the suitcase?

You can be sure she has noticed it is missing.

And she is internally freaking out about it.

I guarantee she is highly suspicious that you took them and she is has come up with a million 'ready made' reasons for anything you are going to say based on results.

She's bracing herself

(As a woman, I absolutely know my underwear by the piece and I would def know if one was missing. It's not like a man where his Hanes are kind of all the same.)

Exactly as Spirit has said. She's playing a waiting game. She's ahead of you for the time being but once you get the results, providing they are positive, you will have the upper hand.

Please don't de-volgue all at once.

spelling faux pas: divulge

Re: Mystery of the gone missing underwear:

Well, if she's fretting about the undies, then good. I guess it all depends on if she has anything to worry about with those undies.

There was another batch of clothes by the washer waiting to be done this weekend (which also had some laundry from her trip, including the undies that I tested but were negative). Interestingly, she brought a hamper down and started laundry last night instead of waiting for the weekend. Maybe she is worried, I dunno.

Still no word from the lab (come on, hurry up!)

P.S. I'd like to hear her "ready made" story if there's semen detected on that pair.

Of course, knowing my luck, there will be no definitive answer after the test, and I'll still be groping around in the dark.

[This message edited by ChoppingOnions at 3:20 PM, April 14th (Thursday)]

For some reason I find this interesting. The subtleties that are not in her normal daily activities. Yes, I think her doing the laundry is almost like a silent vent for her in relation to the missing ones

I just read this post. First, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Is there any way she could have found your history on SI? Is it at all possible that she's read your posts? It just seems like she knows....IDK, something is up. She put her phone back on the bedside table after you found it in her purse and turned off. She started laundry. She is more introspective than normal. Her email password has been changed.

I am amazed at how well you appear to be handing this. It's obvious you are very intelligent and methodical.

My gut just from reading your posts tells me that you love your wife and that she loves her family as well. IMO if she is having an A, I don't think it's that she is choosing the OM over her family, I think she's just taking a bite of the apple. I also have a gut feeling that when she is finally confronted, she will collapse in a ball and be extremely upset at what she has done.

Her sullen mood now might be that she misses the OM.

Good luck.

I find it hard to believe there will be no definitive answer, after looking at those panties Onion.

I suspect she knows deep down she's caught....but probably does not want to face it, just like we don't want to open our eyes to the facts leading to an A in the early days.

The subtleties that are not in her normal daily activities.

Yeah, I have a pretty good feeling that she knows something is up. What's amazing is other than the things I've pointed out, everything is pretty much business as usual. So she's either in the dark (and I'm sensing her behaviors as more than they really are), or she's one hell of a good liar that I just wasn't aware of.

Is there any way she could have found your history on SI? Is it at all possible that she's read your posts? It just seems like she knows....IDK, something is up.

God, I hope not. But if she is, then she 1) is one step ahead of me; 2) knows the writing on the wall; and 3) if she loves me and values our marriage and family, then she should have all the information that she needs to come and talk to me, rather than playing silly hiding games.

If I found out she was reading here and didn't communicate with me, then it would be clear that she is a coward with respect only for saving herself and OM and not her husband or daughter.

My gut just from reading your posts tells me that you love your wife and that she loves her family as well. IMO if she is having an A, I don't think it's that she is choosing the OM over her family, I think she's just taking a bite of the apple. I also have a gut feeling that when she is finally confronted, she will collapse in a ball and be extremely upset at what she has done.

Perhaps you're right. This is an affair of distance primarily, and probably convenience when the time is right. WW and OM live on opposite sides of the country. Both married with a heavy investment in their families. I think (and hope) she loves me. I do love her, although I'm rightly pissed at the shenanigans I'm dealing with. I would expect far more from her than what I'm seeing.

I think whether she will collapse in a ball probably depends on the strength of the evidence. If it can be denied away, I think she'll take the low road and call me crazy. Just my feeling based upon what I'm discovering these days.

I will mention something I haven't previously, and almost forgot about it. Waaaay back at the start of our marriage, she was spending time with a male friend of hers. They were both movie buffs, and would go (as a group with others) to quite a few movies at a film festival. They had some kind of disagreement. I was printing something for her from her email for her, and I noticed a single angry email from him that ended to the effect of "so much for our romantic friendship." I confronted her immediately about it. I don't clearly recall her response but she adamantly denied that there was anything to it. She said the "romantic" part was more about the series of movies they were seeing. Their friendship ended at that point.

I will be shocked if it turns out that there is a pattern of serial infidelity going back that far, but I'm sure it'll be discussed again eventually.

Lastly, I'll just say that maybe my analytical posts come across that I'm staying strong and keeping things together. I am not sleeping well (2-3 hr/night), my appetite sucks, my stress level is high, and I'm irritable. The steel shell is really aluminum foil.

[This message edited by ChoppingOnions at 4:29 AM, April 15th (Friday)]