SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bootstraps, thanks for your honest post. I understand that in a forum such as this, one is no doubt going to receive a wide range of opinions, which reflects the wide range of experiences from posters. Given the subject at hand, those experiences are usually "bad", "really bad", or "holy hell, screw this!"

I appreciate the varied opinions, having never experienced this before. Truly, despite the information I've divulged here on this thread, I realize that no one else but WW and I are going to know the dynamics of our M better. I see things through those glasses.

Whereas I was feeling exceedingly lost at the time of my first post, the input and support of everyone here has helped immensely to help me get my head on straight. Like with everything in life, some opinions are going to be more valuable to me than others, and some are going to miss the mark, simply because no two marriages are going to be alike, and each individual handles things in their own way. But I DO value each and every offering put forth in this thread, knowing that they are given with the intention to help me deal with this. For that, I am grateful.

I don't always have the time to address each and every post -- sorry. But I read every one, probably too many times.

I think I have a good sense as to where I'm headed and I've gone over the possibilities and the consequences of those possibilities over and over in my head. While I value my marriage, I am not going to be foolish. I am not going to roll over and plead with her. When the time comes, I will be taking the bull by the horns. I have a rather large checklist in my head of the things that she is going to need to fulfill for me to accept her as a continuing part of this marriage, or it will be over.

Forgive me for not having read every post (although I've read much of it), but if the semen analysis comes back inconclusive, what are your plans?

Have you considered using a VAR in her car and a GPS tracker on her car to try to gather some evidence?

Good. Hang in there.

I don't think you are yet prepared for your reaction after the result of the semen analysis comes back (assuming it's positive). When we're in the "I know something just ain't right" stage, we THINK we're feeling as bad as we can feel because we assume the worst. But believe me, it will be BAD. Really, really bad. So, get prepared. The advice to have your daughter stay at a relative's house for a few days is sound.

And be sure to take care of the basics. Food, water, sleep, exercise.

So much good advice given, CO, that I'll just send some sympathy your way. My WW also used her work travel to cover her various affairs. I also sympathize with the locked Blackberry; I found out the same way (snuck a look while she slept).

I'm sorry for the rough road you're in for. Be strong!

(((CO)))

I hope that semen test comes back negative...

Onions, I'm lingering here like many hundred others, wishing you well, holding you close in cyberland...(well, that, and I'm looking for fave nics...icosa gets third- a 20-sided equilateral triangled thing- i get a cuppa coffee for knowin such nonobvious things)

I did recognize the picture you posted sad to say,

would love to meet you and hug))) you in person someday.

Pray for negative, prepare for positive...

Yup... I totally agree with you that whatever road you take reside with you, and you only. I just don't want to see you be a "cuckold," bud. You are better than that. I was being cuckold somewhat and it truly feels like shit. You don't need that in your head. Whatever is going on- put a stop to it! I only wish I had found out waaaaaaaaay earlier, no I feel like the butt of a FUCKING joke, at times. Don't lose this opportunity to nip this in the bud. Good luck, my friend.

I agree with most on here. You have every right to know what's going on in your marriage. If your gut is telling you that there's something wrong, trust your gut. So, don't feel bad about looking at e-mails or phone records as well as getting the labwork done. You deserve to be treated better than you have.

It seems that your WW is very good at hiding things from you and very cunning at hiding her tracks. The more uptight you are the more guarded she's going to be. Loosen up and she'll make a mistake. Hang in there!

Did you like your wife before all this? What type of person is she and has she been? Did she treat you well and show love for you? I cannot imagine that she was all theat good a wife/person to you, if she has cheated on you.

Sometimes, in a long term relationship, we simply begin to accept crumbs from our spouse. It is gradual and insidious.

In making a determination about whether to stay and try to reconcile, it helped me to look at how my wife treated me and how she , apparently felt about me, even before her A's.

I realized that she never, ar at least for a very long time, really loved or respected me. So, I divorced her, not strictly because of the cheating(although that was the catalyst), but becasue she was a mean, unloving spouse, in general.

CO,

I've been following along and pulling for you as well. I've done more than my share of "detective" work and fortunately, my wife was not very good at covering her tracks. Like many in here, we got lucky (can't believe I just said that) that our WS's didn't think like a hunter. They did what they did and then tried to cover it up. Your wife thinks like a hunter though, which means you've got to be patient. I started thinking "if I was going to have an affair, would I be able to hide it from people." I have that "hunter" mentality, so I think everything through, with every possible scenario. It sounds like your wife is like that as well. Very organized. Very calculated. I would be willing to bet that she has answers already worked out for every one of the questions you have. I think you're doing the right thing by waiting for the lab results. That's the one thing that she can't explain away. And it's so hard for you because you will want to believe every single thing that she says. Hang in there. Use us!!! I so wish I had this group of people 13 years ago when I went through this mess. Good luck!

I find myself agreeing more with the posters that speak of your wife as a cold and calculating individual rather than someone who has lost their way. She is much too bright for a simple slip of moral values. You on the other hand seem to be compassionate (willing to sacrifice your career for your family, specifically your daughter) and a fiercely honorable man, admirable traits that every one reading this thread would agree with.

We all work within our own shell and I’m sure you will end up doing the very best thing for your family even if it’s not the best for you.

Let me tell you how someone who doesn’t possess your great traits might handle this situation, lets call him ME.

If that thong came back positive I would dump her so fast her head would spin. There would be no conversation with her what so ever, none, nada!! I wouldn’t tell her why, let her guess why, you know she will. This way she will probably end up telling you everything especially when she sees the determination on your face. As for your daughter, I would research every means possible to make sure she stayed with me.

But that’s me and I’m not you. And just in case you’re wondering, I don’t have a sterling track record in matters such as these. Good luck, we are all pulling for you.

Let me tell you how someone who doesn’t possess your great traits might handle this situation, lets call him ME.

If that thong came back positive I would dump her so fast her head would spin. There would be no conversation with her what so ever, none, nada!! I wouldn’t tell her why, let her guess why, you know she will.

I find this intriguing.

There may be something to that approach with a WS that appears to be very calculating. I think one of the previous posts about these types likely plotting several moves ahead is probably accurate and demonstrate a great deal of palpable disrespect...almost scorn for their spouse.

Get everything prepared, serve papers, when asked the inevitable, "You want to D? Why? What brought this on?"

A simple response, "I think you can figure out why?"

And leave it at that...

Very interesting and I think I like it.

[This message edited by SomewhatWorried at 10:59 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)]

I hope that semen test comes back negative...

Maybe it will be negative, but why this:

This pair, incidentally, was the one she didn't submit to me for laundering (I found in suitcase and took it).

I hope it comes back positive. Onions already knows what's going on here, he just needs irrefutable proof.

I would be willing to bet that she has answers already worked out for every one of the questions you have. I think you're doing the right thing by waiting for the lab results. That's the one thing that she can't explain away.

Onions needs to nail this down, the sooner the better. His wife has her ACT together, and a positive result on this test will go a long way to getting Onions out the other side of this shit ASAP.

Of course, we all know "it's not what you think" and "I can explain" and ILYBINILWY is coming next, but at least Onions will have the opportunity to deal with that one way or the other. Right now, he's in limbo. If it's a negative, he's still in limbo. crap.

I hope that semen test comes back negative...

Thank you. Unfortunately, a negative test doesn't mean she isn't fooling around. The emails alone are indicative of some kind of affair.

if the semen analysis comes back inconclusive, what are your plans?

Good question. I'd really like to have better proof than what I've got. Most of it can be easily explained away. Probably dig deeper and more aggressively.

Did you like your wife before all this? What type of person is she and has she been? Did she treat you well and show love for you? I cannot imagine that she was all theat good a wife/person to you, if she has cheated on you.

I thought we were close. Up until this happened, I thought that we shared everything. In the past year though she has been definitely more distant, complaining about little things. I cover nights when D wakes so she can get a good night's sleep. She gets super annoyed when I accidentally wake her (and I'm more than careful not to). I tend to stay up late, primarily because this whole affair business has turned me into an insomniac. No point in tossing and turning all night.

A week prior to her trip, I had called her from another part of the house, "Hey, Honey!" She was in a bad mood and said "Don't call me Honey!" I guess she felt that I was insincere when I said it, I dunno. That's uncommon for her.

We truly were best of friends. Having our D has created challenges, no question, although we share parental responsibilities pretty equally and positively. Although she loves D immensely, I can't say she's the best parent...she's a real spoiler and I'm often the cop.

Prior to all of this, I've always seen her as a good, kind, sensitive person. She cries at any movie with a hint of emotion. She's typically thoughtful and kind to people, especially those less fortunate. She's always been a giver rather than a receiver. A lot of our money goes to extended family.

Probably that's why this has hit me like a brick wall. Just never expected anything like this.

How many more days till the tests come back?

"I have a dog. Mentally...you picture my dog, even though I have not told you what kind of dog I have." This line from Wild at Heart is a great example of the unconscious perceptions we carry in our minds. No place is this more prevalent than when it comes to a long term relationship.

I would say that with your wife's current attitude she is either distracting you from suspicion, or she is in the beginning stages of changing her perception about you.

When you think of your wife I'm sure its a great thought. It was cemented during your young relationship and set in stone on your marriage day. She's young, beautiful, full of life, promise and love for you. I'm sure she has the same perception of you, but...she is starting to change it.

It's a trap we tend to settle into until it's too late. Our assumptions, based on our perceptions, keep us comforted and safe from the reality that is unfolding right in front of our eyes.

Your wife is in the process of readjusting her perception of you based on the YOU of today, not the YOU she fell in love with. She's questioning the assumptions she's carried with her all these years. She's changing.

You are in a race you don't know you are running. She's creating a mental checklist between you and the OM involving the differences you both possess and the desire she has for change.

This is a race you are severely handicapped in. Consider her time spent with the OM. Wide awake, dressed for success, doing what she loves in the company of respected colleagues, eating out, etc...Compared to the the pony tail and sweatpants of homelife, bills, cleaning, being mom.

I'm not saying its fair, but it's a tool she can use to justify her actions. A tool to help fuzzy her new perception of you and allow her to slip some responsibility for her feelings. It allows her to rationalize her decisions before she even makes them. She's creating "The Fog".

I just wanted to give you something to think about or consider. Not really advice, but more of a glimpse into what MIGHT be happening. Of course only you will know for sure, but keep this in mind when you are dealing with her.

Shadowboxer- my thoughts exactly. You're in a "race" right now. I know you chose to be "Mr. mom," but this is probably taking a toll on her perception of you. You really need to get a sitter or something, and get back in the game in order to "compete" with this person; if that's what you want- to win back your wife. JESUS... I can't believe we have to be in constant competition to win our spouse's love. My god...

I can't believe we have to be in constant competition to win our spouse's love.

You know, I was told this years ago, by an old married lady. I didn't believe her, I thought my H would "love me forever...just like he promised."

Too bad we don't listen to wisdom when it is freely imparted to us. At least now I know better.

But then again.....people cheat on "perfect" spouses. It has little to do with the BS...it has everything to do with the cheater's decision to cheat.

Hi

I understand that most opinion is to wait for more proof of an affair before you confront her, my question is WHY? Why let this go any further, i know that you think that it might push it further underground, but seioursly would you want to be with someone who goes even further to deceive you? In my case i wish i had of had the proof that you are talking of, and then i could have said, i know something is going on, so make your choice me or her! You already have proof EA or PA get this over with if you dont stop this now, and you find out later that to this day it was only EA but next week it turned PA how would you not regret busting this up now!

You know your situation, but please dont disregard the fact that you could stop this now with the proof that you already have. You dont need to sit there and continue to hurt any longer!

Just a thought.

Onions, what they're talking about is the devaluation process. It starts out as unconscious and when a new guy shows up and gets traction, it often becomes conscious.

Watch a movie from last year called "My Blue Valentine", the poor guy doesn't have a clue. He starts the marriage off Alpha (attractive), but quickly shows a Beta KISA streak, then marriage turns him into a true Beta, then she's earning more, and then the inevitable, brutal conclusion. All textbook.

ETA: Before you nail her ass with the proof, have movie night and watch this one with her. Tell her it's a romance that came highly recommended by a friend.

[This message edited by palerider at 10:34 PM, April 13th (Wednesday)]