SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nothere,

How is she handling the divorce papers ? Is she blowing up your phone ? Is she trying to turn the kids against you ?

The first few days after service of papers is the most dynamic and where you have to see which direction this will go.

IMO, you are doing the right thing.

You need to stay vigilant. Still don't know the depth of the affair was but once is too much

That's enough for most

Good luck and stay strong

[This message edited by Western at 12:37 PM, Sunday, April 3rd]

SRC,

your post on 3/29 about Will Smith was spot on.

I find open marriages disgusting. People are giving away monogamy for free when that is what most of the betrayed here wants. Not to be cheated on. Open marriage people get what they deserve. Failure

OP. This is where I would say that I don’t have enough information to comment. Your choice of course, but you haven’t provided us with any information about your marriage/state of your M prior to your WW A, your WW personality and how she treated you prior to, during , snd after the A, any information about the A itself, nor any information between Dday and the day you posted. Plus, we don’t know your WWs explanation she gave you as to why she cheated, and why she confessed in the first place.

To me m, these are critical pieces to help you with this question you are currently asking. Without these answers the only way I could currently answer is, it depends.

Don't tell off her parents. Though many ws do say the reason they did it is rooted in their Foo, she's a big girl, she chose to do it.

Simply tell them,once, that her affair is unforgivable, which she knew before she did it. And that the kids are old enough to make their own decision, and it's up to her to repair those relationships. Then block them all.

...everyone is trying to shame me for not trying again with her....

Who is the 'everyone'? I'll assume it's some combo of friends and family - am I reading you right?

One option is to listen and say something that is honest but that can be understood as agreement by the would-be advisor. You might say 'Thanks' for example. Your advisor might think your grateful for the advice, but you may be grateful that the advice is finished. Or you may be grateful and have no intention of taking the advice, but you are afraid you'll get into an argument if you're completely honest.

Or you can just say something like, 'I hear you. My mind is made up.'

My advice is to not explain and not defend. Frankly, if you feel defensive about your decision, it's likely to be due to excessive uncertainty.

*****

M1965,

I agree we should not use pejorative terms in our posts. I agree with your complaint. SI works only when people show respect for each other.

Also, it's sometimes difficult to read a long, involved post, but you write pretty cogently. (That is, I think lots of people read your posts to the end and have no trouble getting your points.)

*****

Members have long been asked to raise concerns privately with the staff. That doesn't always happen. I can remember a number of epic controversies over public complaints about something a mod posted.

One thing I didn't fully realize until I joined the staff is that a lot of work gets done under the covers. Occasionally we see flagged posts - 'so-and-so, you have a PM.' More often, a guideline violation is noted and dealt with via PMs - perhaps a PM from a member pointing out a possible violation, a private discussion by the mods, a decision, a PM closing the issue.

Most members who learn about PMs from mods do so only because they've crossed lines. If you've stayed within guidelines, you can't know about those PMs unless someone reveals that they're possible, as I'm doing here.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:53 PM, Sunday, April 3rd]

Ranting and raving, in an emotional state, to her parents will poison and effect your children’s relationship with their grandparents. So if the welfare of your children is a priority, reign it in.

You can however, in a very calm manner, say something to the effect of:

“I understand she regrets what she did. I see her hurting. I am hurting also. And as a man of God I will forgive her as commanded by Jesus. But I cannot in good faith remain married to her.”

So perhaps I will give some background.

Met in the 90s we were both nerds, but "hip and cool" nerds. We worked at a video game store and we always got along. Started out as just friends but we were so excited when we got to work with each other. Started flirting and things took a head when (now bear with me on this) I was using the computer (irresponsibly ) to look for subtitled vhs tapes of dragon ball z. She saw what I was doing and she had some so we hit it off even more. Got married a year later.

Our marriage was perfect even though we had things every married couple fought about. I was always a principled and sure man. My health, my beliefs, how I conducted myself myself. She was too. We were a team, it was us versus everyone else. No matter what happened she would have my back and I hers. She was there when I vented about my mom early on and when she kept bothering me later on.

Our sex life was great I don't want to say too much but 4 times a week and we were both left satisfied without question.

I just can't comprehend it. We like all the same things, we still liked what we liked when we were in our early 20s. Our beliefs, morals, etc as well (or so I thought)

She started texting this guy and they finally had sex in her office. She was hysterical and came home immediately. Kids weren't there. The worst part was she had his cum on her shirt. Really fucking nice. I stayed in limbo for months even though I knew I would divorce her. Didn't tell anyone either.

I don't really care why she did it. I said before it'll be something stupid like mommy was mean to her so she needed to swallow some guys cum to feel better about herself. Not her being a dumb whore which is the most likely of the two options. She says she doesn't know, yeah really helpful. She can pay for therapy or whatever herself. I refuse. Especially now.

This shit isn't fair. This was it and it's all gone

So divorce her, get it over with and start your healing.
There isnt any way you can get revenge or cause her the pain she caused you.

I’m extremely sorry this happened. It hits home so much worse when the relationship and M were great. It’s always simply incomprehensible. And for what…

Way ahead of you bigger

Thanks for sharing your story, Nothere. Yes, it sucks and it's not fair. It's the result of stupid, selfish actions that it's inconceivable someone you trusted could ever engage in.

I can empathize with your story. My W and I were very similar. We were 70s/80s nerds from the beforetime when there was no such thing as hip or cool nerds. Nobody needed you to fix their computer and fantasy games weren't one of the most popular forms of entertainment.

We had a dream relationship. True love with absolute trust. There was no way either of us would cheat. But she did it.

Sucking dick for attention seems inconceivable. It's such a "I'm all about pleasing you" act. My W justified it because she "loved" the OM. Did your W believe that she was in love with the OM?

Going down the rabbit hole of what causes cheaters to do the stupid, selfish, shameful things that they do is a sad and painful journey. You get to decide how far into that you go based purely on how much you think it may help you heal.

Yes, you can just D and say, "Fuck that whore." But you need to decide if rug sweeping it all and staying in anger forever is really healing. If you listen to some of the voices on this topic you can hear that that's where they're at - stuck in anger forever because, "Fuck that whore."

You obviously have a lot of feelings about this and I think you should to continue to examine and understand them. Not suggesting anything but D. But D will not magically heal you.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 11:46 PM, Sunday, April 3rd]

Personally – I would tell those that meddle that no – it’s not their concern. That you can’t forgive her having had an affair and you have given this thought.

I don’t know why this point gets lost almost every time: forgiveness and reconciliation are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. He can, and, as a Christian, SHOULD forgive her, but D is an explicitly Biblical option for him, and given his history, is more than fully understandable.

Once again: forgiveness does not demand reconciliation. To point out the obvious, there are also many cases where there’s no forgiveness but yet there is R.

OP, I think you did the right thing by not considering R. Having a "black and white" view that adultery is unforgivable is not harsh in my book. Not everyone here is in the clear situation of physical adultery. My circumstance was a short (weeks) online EA with someone thousands of miles away. No nude pics. A little flirting. Most would say bad boundaries. Ended before I found out. She confessed everything. It was about as much as I could handle. Threw her out and very nearly ended the marriage even with 3 kids. Anything physical would have certainly repulsed me forever and clearly ended it.

As for her parents. I'd just calmly tell them that you'd made it very clear to her that adultery would end the marriage and she chose to do it. Tell them that their daughter caused this mess and that your #1 concern is your kids well-being and not your STBXW. And that your kids are almost adults and that you are trusting that their moral compass along with counseling will lead them down the right path. Then 180.

You have handled this very logically under the circumstances. Even so, I know it just sucks. I wish you and the kids the best.

Reading (No Soliciting) great book that needs to be in the book section on this site.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 12:10 PM, Monday, April 4th]

Rant time

Talked to her parents and I'm now the bad guy because drumroll... Book of Hosea! Oh and I should also forgive and forget because that's what God wants. Yes the same God that forbids even forgiven adulterers from remarriage by penalty of continued adultery. Yes the same God that commanded adulterers be killed in Leviticus 20. Yeah... They were always in this hippy liberal Church with gay "pastors" so I should have expected this. I will forgive her someday but I can't be married to her. Apparently rational thought is lost on her parents.

As for my friends most of them know which is infuriating to me. I guess my wife thought telling everyone she cheated on me would actually help. Genius. Shout it from the rooftops to bury the knife deeper in my back.

So fucking stupid this 90 day shit. She moved back in and I can't kick her out because it's her house too. But I can't leave either because I want the house and it'll look good to the judge.

6 hours ago I was just relaxing now she's here. Grand night. Good night if I can sleep.

Calvin himself (like Martin Luther) saw marriage as a civil rather than a religious institution that was then blessed by the church. In the original Calvinistic and Lutheran churches a married couple would stop mid-ship (before reaching the altar), declare their unity and then the preacher/spokesman would bless the union.
The New Reformed Church gives some reasons for divorce, including infidelity. But encourages reconciliation unless the breach has been ongoing and repeated.
But you could be in a more vigorous sect.
Even then, it’s MY belief that our duty to God is to live a good life. If that means we divorce because we don’t think we can reach that goal with our spouse then I think that obligation beats all. He wants us to strive for perfection, but doesn’t really expect us to reach it. Historically only one guy managed that, and we nailed him to a cross.
Keep in mind your actual divorce will take place in front of judges and in court, and not in your church. Who knows… maybe the judge will be a gay former hippy…

Don’t enter into theological arguments about the divorce. Stick to "it’s not your marriage. I have decided this is what I am doing".

Why be surprised about friends knowing? If you are an abiding fundamental Modern Calvinist divorcing on your religious beliefs and your version of Calvinism only allows divorce due to infidelity shouldn’t it be clear to all?

Nothere759, you have a pm.

There are a lot of threads here by people who describe themselves as devout Christians where their theology impacts their decisions vis-a-vis divorce. In the majority of these threads, the posters describe considerable community pressure from pastors, family, and faith-based counselors to remain married (and often to rug-sweep the infidelity). In recent times there have been a few posters here who swallowed the bile for a couple of years under pressure from their Christian community, only to reach a breaking point of sorts, leading them to find this place.

I think yours is the only thread I've read here where you, as OP, are taking the position that your Christian faith almost requires you to divorce her as a result of her infidelity. I'm not in any way taking issue with your position nor suggesting that your interpretation of the scriptures is the wrong one. Just that your position is unique compared to other posters who also describe themselves as devout Christians.

Putting aside the Christian element, if I understand your thread correctly, your WW had an EA with a man for some time, much of it conducted via texting, where the sexual aspect ramped up higher and higher to the point where she had some sort of sexual encounter with him that involved him finishing in her mouth, and her swallowing some of it, but dribbling some on her shirt. Like a Monica Lewinsky thing? Then she instantly regretted it and came to you at once confessing in tears? TBH, if that is accurate, she sounds somewhat unhinged. Threads that initiate with an unsolicited confession are the minority here. Most threads involve a cheater who was caught out. Among the confession threads, a lot of them involve confessions that are either (a) many years after the infidelity, spurred by the cumulative guilt the WS has been carrying as a burden (and often given in a context in which the WS perceives the marriage as solid and therefore "safe" for a confession), or (b) at the very least, some period of time after the sex, where the WS wrings his/her hand and gnashes his/her teeth for bit fretting about what to do, then deciding to do the right thing.

Literally leaving the limerent envelope of the sex and rushing home to tell the BS, still warm and redolent from the act, I don't think I've ever seen that in a thread before. It almost smacks of a mental illness.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 12:31 PM, Monday, April 4th]

Bigger

I see what you're saying however Matthew 5:32 is clear. Divorce for any other reason except adultery causes both parties to commit adultery. As well as the divorced cheater must remain single and chaste for the rest of their lives or they commit adultery. This is just what He on High says. This is what some could describe as a far better punishment then having them stoned as adulterers rightfully were. Cheaters who "remarry" are selfish and need to repent.

Butforgrace

That's about right. She's definitely on a downward spiral and I've talked to her before about getting help which she agreed to. She hasn't followed through though. So I don't know what to do now

That text from Matthew does clearly say adultery is fair grounds for D. The even stronger message throughout the Gospels is that a Christian must strive to forgive and have love for our enemies. A daunting spiritual goal for sure. A Christian betrayed spouse can D with a clear conscience if that is what they feel they must do. But how they conduct themselves in the D and what is in their heart, with time and healing, is vital, is it not?