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Divorce/Separation :
Diver Down 2; The Sequel

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k94ever ( member #11176) posted at 5:01 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Dear TCMM,

Your duaghter obviously has good taste.

Wear the pink octopus braclet with pride.

k9

BS:61
WS: 53
Betrayed: 24 years
Affairs: 15 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

posts: 7747   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2006   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 4706290
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lula1967 ( member #12791) posted at 5:43 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

You are missing the point I was trying to make.

You are in a tough spot with your wife. You clearly want to do a good job raisisng your kids. I see all that in your posts.

Your response to my message was basically "Okay, so my wife gets to do what she wants and I have to be a saint?" It's not a matter of what is fair, it's a matter of what is reality. Your wife IS acting crazy, selfish and cruel. That is unfair. That is wrong.

But the reality is that having turmoil in the house will effect the kids. No two ways about it. Is it fair that your wife is out of control? NO. You can't prevent that. But when you make the choice to buy a car you know she won't like and will piss her off (and tie a bow around it) that is not making a decision that is based on what is best for your kids. As the other poster said, you could have talked with her and come up with a vehicle you could both live with. If you are being honest with yourself, you did it to be nasty. And nobody blames you for wanting to get back at her for being such a Dbag. The point I am making is that in the end, if you act on the impulses to get even with your ex, the kids will suffer. It's unavoidable. Doing anything to create more friction with her contributes to an already tense environment. And when you do that, then she does something to get back at you and it escalates. Then you do something else to get back at her and it escalates even more. It's not just about you and your wife and the feelings you both have. The kids are a big part of the equation is all I am trying to say. It may not be fair that you have to suffer in silence and turn the other cheek to shield the kids, but it's the reality.

For every action there is a reaction.

Do what you can to protect the kids and try not to take the bait with your crazy wife.

Good luck and keep strong!

BS (me) - 42
WS - 49
Married Aug. 2006
3 teen boys, 2 mine 1 his
First EA D-Day#1 10/16/05 D-Day #2 2/21/06 Second EA D-Day 11/18/06
We are doing really well! It took a while, though!

posts: 1563   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2006
id 4706374
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alex mama ( member #11858) posted at 5:56 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Yes, he could have talked with her about the car... if she was willing to communicate with him, which she refused to do. And the bow? I'm sure it was nice to fantasize about wrapping it around the car, but in the end, he did not do that, because he knew that it wasn't the right thing to do.

He is trying to sail straight in the face of a hurricane, and I would imagine that most of what he posts here is just to get it out so that he doesn't react at home.

"Love yourself. Don't take no shit." - my oldest and dearest friend

posts: 3311   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2006
id 4706392
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doesitgetbetter ( member #18429) posted at 6:01 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

TCMM, ignore lula. You are being far more kind to your WW than you need to be. If anything, I think you're being TOO nice by even buying her a car at all. Of course you're not going to go car shopping with her to get her that nice pimped out ride she would be happy with, but you certainly didn't have to get her wheels at all! You could have just given her a bus pass, or you could have simply given her nothing.

You didn't have to give her spending money every week, yet you do that too. She clearly knows how to get money out of the boyfriend, so she could have had him finance their dates. But you are far too nice and give her spending money.

It's not your fault that your WW is acting like a baby and lashing out at you all the time. It would be far more detrimental to take those kids out of their home and move them into the tiny apartment you can afford right now while paying the household bills too. It would be far more detrimental to them to rip them out of their comfy soft beds and cozy surroundings (their rooms and decor that they know and love) then it would be to continue to just ignore the WW. She's never home anyway, so WTF? She's crazy, she'll be crazy whether you live there or not, and I can only imagine her taking that crazy up SEVERAL knotches if you moved out with the kids.... then what would THAT do to them?

So, ignore lula, it's bad advice all the way around. Sorry lula, but you're just wrong.

Oh, and TCMM.... if only DD gave you a pink elephant to wear... THAT would be so hilarious and fitting!

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than before
May 22, 2019 -slip/relapse. He forgot he has to work forever

posts: 4527   ·   registered: Feb. 29th, 2008
id 4706406
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CobreGuy ( member #23249) posted at 6:03 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Wow, I just have to respond to Lulu's post.

You should really consider all the ways you've deliberately pissed off your wife. . . .

1. You have not been nice at all to her boyfriend. . . .even to the point of getting a court order prohibiting them from contact with him!!

2. You decided that she could no longer drive your car.

3. You're making her drive a car that doesn't match her vibrant personality and life style.

4. You threatened to divorce her for her adulterous adventures.

5. After threatening to divorce her, you have filed papers. And not only that -- you involved a lawyer too!! I'm sure that pissed her off.

6. You're going to try to get primary custody of the kids. I suspect she would be happier with a situation where you support them but never ever see them again.

7. You don't give her enough money as she wants.

8. You're refusing to leave the house and let her boyfriend move in -- and the poor guy is living in a trailer house now!! Don't you care for your children at all???

9. And besides all that, you pridefully refuse to take one of her boyfriend's used toilets and put it in your house!

Yeah, I think you should really, really, really think about your bad behavior here. . . .

[This message edited by CobreGuy at 12:05 PM, July 23rd (Friday)]

posts: 56   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 4706409
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 tulipcitymadman (original poster member #28660) posted at 8:58 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:31 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

posts: 339   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2010
id 4706636
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MadhatterMama ( member #26953) posted at 9:03 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Lula,

I know your intentions are well-meaning but I don't feel they are very realistic. TCMM cannot control his WW's behavior. ANYTHING he does, short of selling his organs on the black market to finance her affair in the style she feels she deserves, will piss her off. Yes, he could bury all that anger but that's toxic and unhealthy too. However, IN FRONT OF HIS KIDS, he does NOT engage his STBX. Her behavior in front of the kids is HERS TO OWN! Its wrong of YOU to pin her inability to control her behavior on TCMM. Besides, you think it'd make a difference if he'd have bought her a convertible? Hell no! She would simply pick another topic to throw a tantrum over!

When you are dealing with a sitch like TCMM's, you can't AVOID conflict when the other person wants a fight and TCMM IS THE ONLY ONE protecting the kids. If they have issues from this divorce, the blame lies squarely and firmly with their mother. Many of us find it offensive that you would insinuate otherwise or say that TCMM isn't doing enough to protect his kids.

"The sun never says to the earth,
'You owe me.'
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky."
-Hafiz the Poet

You will never know how strong you really are until you have no options but to be strong...

posts: 506   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2009
id 4706638
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anhedonia ( member #27031) posted at 9:14 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

lula, For you to say If you are being honest with yourself, you did it to be nasty. to TCMM is wrong on so many levels.

You cannot possibly look into this man's mind and determine whether he's being honest with himself. He's made his explanations for his actions clear. Most of us find his behaviour to be above reproach. Since you clearly do not, may I suggest you just agree to disagree and perhaps stop beating this dead horse?

posts: 202   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: Ohio
id 4706650
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glasvegas ( member #22639) posted at 11:35 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Lula: I am pretty sure that TCMM was, first and foremost, doing the right thing. It is just that the "right thing" would have a side effect of pissing off his STBX and her warped mind.

I must admit that I am slightly concerned about how she might be able to spin the van purchase - if for no other reason than it was a large purchase made unilaterally. I think that TCMM can defend his actions reasonably, though.

posts: 321   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2009
id 4706839
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shakenworld ( member #24404) posted at 12:50 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

Forget about the stupid van. He bought the same make and model as their previous van but one that's got a functional transmission and no rust on the suspension. What's the problem? If she wanted a Beamer with leather she could start working full time, right?

BH - me - 28
FWW - 24

Now I'm all yours. I'm not afraid. And you're all mine, say what they may.




posts: 260   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Washington
id 4706958
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MadhatterMama ( member #26953) posted at 1:49 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

Shaken,

That's exactly right! Nothing stopping her from going and getting a car that fits her tastes...as long as SHE accepts financial responsibility for it totally herself.

Besides there are much bigger issues that a judge is going to care about than the van.

"The sun never says to the earth,
'You owe me.'
Look what happens with a love like that.
It lights up the whole sky."
-Hafiz the Poet

You will never know how strong you really are until you have no options but to be strong...

posts: 506   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2009
id 4707061
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circe ( member #6687) posted at 2:01 AM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

Also it seems pretty enabling to blame TCMM for his wife's reaction to the car. Seriously, there's nothing he can do or not do right now that will create a calm and loving two parent home environment. He's not screaming at her or provoking her into fights. In the middle of this crap fest, he got a small kick out of replacing the van she didn't like with another van. I'm sure their children didn't suffer appreciably from their mom scowling and renting a car in protest.

eta: more on this: if he modeled all of his behavior on what would keep his wife happy right now, he really WOULD be an unfit father. Catering to an insane person so as to not rock the boat is just enabling their bad behavior. That's not doing the kids any favors, either.

[This message edited by circe at 8:03 PM, July 23rd (Friday)]

Everything I ever let go of has claw marks on it -- Infinite Jest

posts: 3459   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2005
id 4707091
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donovan ( new member #28369) posted at 3:30 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

I have followed your story since the beginning. You are still doing a fantastic job in the midst of very perplexing circumstances. I must also chime in and say that you did nothing wrong in buying a van for her, whether she likes it or not. At this point, anything you do is going to make her mad. Had you discussed with her about which vehicle to buy for her, she would have been disagreeable in every way about it. She hates it...too bad!!

posts: 15   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2010
id 4707790
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Dreamboat ( member #10506) posted at 3:59 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

lula, respectfully, you are in R. You have no idea the hell we have to walk thru when Ding a non-remorseful WS. There is only so much you can do to protect your kids when you are living in the middle of a war zone, we each of us who have been there do the best we can to protect our kids.

tulipman, take the advice that helps you and ignore all the rest.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

posts: 17695   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2006   ·   location: A better place :)
id 4707842
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realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 4:03 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

I agree that the car is the very least of the whole package. They really have no more money, but he still found a way to purchase something that really was hers to begin with...the fact that she does not like it is not his problem. She is lucky that he even gave her a vehicle at all after that.

And the STBXW certainly found a way to get around that cuz she had her boyfriend rent her a car she felt suitable to her standing...so she obviously can think on her feet...or off her feet I guess.

Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.

posts: 6939   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2005   ·   location: florida
id 4707849
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jjct ( member #17484) posted at 4:17 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

Diuretic yak!

posts: 7269   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2007   ·   location: texas
id 4707867
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kdny ( member #760) posted at 5:24 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

If any of you have a problem with another poster you need to bring it to a moderator. You are not to attack or take anything into your own hands here. Last time I checked D/S was still subject to the guidelines here.

Lula is entitled to her opinion. If you don't like opinions that are expressed here, ignore them.

[This message edited by kdny at 11:24 AM, July 24th (Saturday)]

Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

posts: 81335   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2002   ·   location: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
id 4707953
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 tulipcitymadman (original poster member #28660) posted at 7:37 PM on Saturday, July 24th, 2010

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:32 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

posts: 339   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2010
id 4708105
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 tulipcitymadman (original poster member #28660) posted at 5:47 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2010

[This message edited by tulipcitymadman at 8:32 PM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

posts: 339   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2010
id 4708826
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Crushed1 ( member #6449) posted at 6:12 AM on Sunday, July 25th, 2010

Sometimes we have to make tough decisions for our dear family members for their safety and care when they are no longer able to make rational decisions. You're doing what you see fit to help your ailing mother. God bless.

My aging uncle had a series of small strokes and would get in his car and take off driving. My aunt was beside herself with worry when she'd find him gone. Luckily he was always found hours later, safe and sound. But after much heartwrenching discussing with other family members it was decided to take his keys and hide them.

You're in the midst of the worst of the storm. It WILL pass as all things do pass when they've gone through their phase. Yes, it does stop pouring...and at the end is a beautiful rainbow. Your rainbow is going to shine soon (((((TCMM))))).

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

posts: 10024   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Texas
id 4708853
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