SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BeeBee64

"Candie," how cheesy is that? I felt the same way about my cheating wife's paramour's name, "Rod." Uh. Really? What's the last name, "Cliche?"

Hahaha, our WS's APs sound like porn stars. How perfect is that?

As for counseling with my WH, I'm not really feeling that right now. I haven't done anything wrong. I don't feel anything is really wrong with me except I married someone who deceived me. I feel that's more his problem than mine but if he wants to go to IC, more power to him. I was kind of surprise he mentioned he didn't want me to leave given the deal that "cheating means it's over." However it wasn't me cheating so I guess he assumes that in this case it's me who should do the leaving --- and so I am.

Must say I'm nervous today because I assume he's probably headed back and due in sometime from anytime this afternoon until late tonight depending on the flight he was able to book. I hope it costs him an arm and a leg to get home.

I'm getting ready to leave the house, the last time I'll think of it as mine. I was rather cheeky and left a bunch of CANDY dishes out around the house and filled them with skittles. He can eat all the CANDY he wants now. Gotta laugh to keep from crying.

I have not quite 48 hours to get through knowing we might be in the same town before I head out on my "retreat." I hope I have the strength to not want to know of his whereabouts. Not gonna lie, I'm suffering a bit from separation. I get sad. :( Then bummed. Then angry. I'm a yoyo of emotions and it sucks.

I have spent some time reading other BS stories. Why oh why do we let people we think love us treat us so poorly?! Why of why do they treat us so poorly.

Hope you all are having a better day today.

TOC

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 5:12 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

Have you gotten your dog back? I would guess that Bob and a friend could help facilitate that. I wouldn't want your WH to keep the dog in an effort to make you come and get him so that you two could "talk."

Are you all packed to move? Once you are out of the house things will get easier. 48 hours until your relaxing vacation.

More hugs TOC.

Had to laugh out loud at the candy dishes with Skittles littered around the house. You do have a wicked sense of humor.

The emotional roller coaster is dizzying. Hang in there and let your family and friends pamper you. I hope your kids have blocked him on all platforms.

Hoping your spa trip helps you find some balance.

Love your candy dishes.

Taste the fucking rainbow, dipshit!

TOC

U probably should have left a note about the candy I. The bowls. I hate to say but he probably won't even get the pun intended!!

The roller coaster is inevitable I think it's probably worse if u feel that there is no reconciliation in the future.

Take some time before u make a final decision about ending ur marriage. Yes you are a hero for handling it the way u did and he deserves all of it but no one can blame u if in the end I choose to try to save ur marriage. Only u know what's right for u but we will be behind u in whatever choice u make

Nice touch with the decorations, TOC! Glad you are getting away.

Hope you can turn your mind off and relax with friends; there is so much more to your life than this marriage, so much more to the world than what you've seen, so much more to be done. You will see those things, do those things, no matter what. You are loved and valued and you enrich the lives of many people. Let the simple fact that you make this world a better place sustain you.

You will know what to do when the time comes in this next act, just as you knew what to do over the past couple of weeks. Trust yourself!

He is trying to stabilize the trauma and keep his options open. He wants to keep the marriage as a possible option. He wasn't ready for Candie yet. He spells her name differently than you. Please tell me he actually knows how to correctly spell her name.

in spite of my stupidity and actions,

Minimizing. Like he made a wrong turn when he was driving and got lost. I made a stupid mistake, I should have turned left and I turned right instead and I got lost. I made a stupid mistake, I very enthusiastically and joyfully stuck my penis in another woman for four months.

I do very much love you and I always have. I am pretty sure I always will.

Declarations of love, but no specifics. If my wife or child's heart was in such pain, especially at my hand, I would be focused on the pain they were having. I see very little of that here, it is mostly all about him, his actions, his feelings.

Of course I love you. I hope one day soon you will let me try to find some way to explain myself.

He repeats himself a lot. He doesn't really have much to say, even about the affair.

I don’t know what I was looking for. I don’t even know if I was looking for anything at all but I let myself get caught up in something I knew was wrong.

So he doesn't know. That's all he's going to give you. Now, you know, he does actually know why, or he at least thinks he knows why. He knows what his thought process was. It's not that long ago. But he's not sharing. He isn't going to share any to stick it in the back more than already has happened. He's trying to stabilize the situation and keep his options open.

I am trying to write this in a way that won’t hurt you more

I want to make sure you have some of those answers

?? But the important questions were unanswered.

I have been such an idiot.

Minimize. I am a good person, made a mistake repeatedly on purpose to hurt you for four months.

I hope you give me a chance to make it up to you.

Keeping his options open.

Candie.

Not Candy.

other than taking care of Buck and Bella, she has never been to our house for any other reason.

I guess your dogs have watched him have sex with her. He couldn't wait to get it in her again. He liked sex with her. Why would he refrain when she was at your home? Out of respect for you? He thought you would never find out.

Yes, I swear you it is completely over.

This is not scientific, but you can see I have a lot of posts and have seen a lot here. Cheaters who "swear" they are telling the truth almost always are lying. Worse yet if he swears on the kids, the parents.

I don’t know why I did it and yes, I always knew what I stood to lose but I still did it. Right now I have no real way to explain it other than I got caught up in the emotion of it.

So he gives no reason. I will give some reasons for you because he won't (some of these will be true, but not all of them - pick the ones you like the best): (1) Candie gave him a sign that she was available to cheat; (2) He told Candie that he wishes you were more like Candie regarding (humor, affectionate, tits, ass, thoughtfulness); (3) Candie told him she always thought he was very sexy; (4) Candie told him if he was her man, she would _____ for him, not like you.

Yes, I did and do feel guilty, awful guilt but even more I feel shame.

Since he got caught.

Yes, Bob knows. he told me I was an idiot and needed to do the right thing.

Minimizing. He was an idiot (now in Bob's word, too). Not a stab-backing heart-breaker. A stupid mistakes, that's all.

He has known about 2 months. Please don’t be mad at him.

Protecting those who were silent accomplices to help him cheat.

If it helps I want you to know I am miserable.

It's all about him.

I hope you won’t move out and will wait until I come home before you leave

He wants to keep his options open.

Hahaha, our WS's APs sound like porn stars. How perfect is that?

Exactly! lol

Love the skittles - even if he doesn't get it right away. In fact even better if if takes him awhile. Or maybe Bob will explain it to him.

It's been instructive reading your story. It makes me think I've been too ready to forgive in my situation.

I also talked to a friend whose husband betrayed her, not with an affair, but by lying about finishing up his masters thesis. She was paying his tuition, he was drinking instead of finishing the thesis and meeting with his advisor. She's full on the path to divorce, he's toast.

Some things aren't forgivable. Some people are not trustworthy.

[This message edited by BeeBee64 at 7:12 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

TOC,

Been a long time since I've been here; longer since I've posted. My advice, FWIW, is simply to focus on what is best for you. Obviously, at this point, anyway, being with your WS is NOT good for you.

It's so traumatic, so eviscerating, so debilitating, what our WS put us through. The truth is, that they weren't thinking of us, at all, when they were engaged in their affair. THEIR DECISIONS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

There are a lot of books on infidelity. The best one I read was "Sexual Detours" by Dr. Holly Hein. She asserts that affairs are "detours" around a brokenness that isn't being faced. I recommend this, if you really want to try and understand what happened.

Not that understanding means you'll get back together... I agree with other posters that he simply may not be trustworthy; not safe. And that may simply be the core of the issue now.

Most of all, I invite you to "lean into" your pain. The way out is through. You will get through this; you know you will. It will take time and it will be painful, but you'll be better off in the end.

I made the decision during my trauma, since I knew I was never going to have such debilitating pain ever again, that I was going to get the most from it as I possibly could. Emotional pain isn't always bad--it also leads us, heals us, guides us, makes us simultaneously stronger, humbler, and more loving.

If you have a faith, lean into that, too. I remember praying in church, trying to understand WTF was happening to me... I got this message (not a booming voice, just a message): "I don't want you to understand, I want you to believe."

No matter what happens from here, you will be better off. You are a wonderful woman in whom any sane man would be interested. (I object to the assertion of your friend by the way, that men need to be needed... BS. She's painting all men the same way.)

I'm rambling. Just know that in the end, no matter what path you choose from here, you will not only be okay--you'll be better off than ever. If you were compassionate, you'll be more compassionate. If you were loving, you'll be more loving. If you have integrity, you'll have more integrity.

I truly believe that this is a chance for you--and all us BS--to be made stronger and more beautiful. Count your blessings.

Best, LA

[This message edited by livinganew at 10:27 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]

Livinganew:

Every beautiful word you wrote has brought tears to my eyes. In a good way, if that's even possible at this time. Most especially:

I'm rambling. Just know that in the end, no matter what path you choose from here, you will not only be okay--you'll be better off than ever. If you were compassionate, you'll be more compassionate. If you were loving, you'll be more loving. If you have integrity, you'll have more integrity.

I hope I am all those things and more but right now I feel so very stuck in my head. Turn right, turn left. Stand up, sit down. Cry, laugh. Scream, sit in silence. Be mad, be sad. Hate him. Love him. Slap him, turn and walk away from him. Stay, go. I feel so lost. I am so, so, so very profoundly sad. I can't stop crying and yet I can sit with friends and laugh with them while my heart is completely shattered. I am SO MAD at him and at the same time I am so sad for both of us for what he is putting us through. I want to scream at the top of my fucking lungs with primal sounds of sadness and pain. I want to rip my heart out of my chest and stomped it until the pain stops but I don't want anyone to see that's how I really feel.

I want to show I'm tough. I'm a fucking bad ass. I want to burn the motherfuckin' house down and walk away without shedding a tear. I want people to look at me and say, "Fuck, yeah!"

I was content in my life. I was proud of myself for already having crawled through the battle trenches of a failed marriage and tough divorce and came out the other side a happier, better person, finally deserving of and discovering a better, healthier and loving relationship.

If I allow myself, I conclude that no matter what, people suck! People always cheat. People will always break you. It's what they do and that pisses me off and makes me harsh.

I don't want to be that person. I want to believe the best in people. I want to believe the best in me. I guess we really do need to hope for the best but expect the worse. I hate that.

I started to work on sorting out my life today after I met with my attorney. (Fuck it sure is a lot easier filing for a divorce with no child custody to decide or any real property to split. - It was all just the "business of break-up.") It is surreal.

In my head, I started to make my to do list. The "Picking up the Pieces and Starting Over List."

Started mentally checking off things done, things still to do, things to think about. Etc, etc. Then I stopped myself. WTH? It's been a little over a week! It's not like I have a fucking deadline and need to complete my project of divorce by the end of the quarter. What's wrong with me? Maybe this is why he was able to so easily look elsewhere for affection and sex. Am I always so cold? Always so robotic?

Wake up. Check!

Roll over, spoon hubby. Check.

Gauge reaction for possible sex. Check.

Have sex. Check

Kiss him on cheek. Check.

Get out of bed. Check

Brush teeth. Check. Check. Check. Check.

Gawd!!!! Maybe i'll just let myself feel for a moment. Maybe I'll let life be messy and disorganized and unpredictable. Maybe I won't have a plan for the next 5 minutes, the day, week, month or year. Maybe tomorrow I won't even get out of bed. Brush my hair, get out of my pjs or even not take a shower today.

God I can't wait to get away, get out of my head and let the noise quiet down.

And then there is that awful, awful niggling thought in the back, way back part of my mind. Gosh, I can't wait to see him again. I sure hope he still likes me. I hope he picks me. God I'm pathetic.

And one last thing, all thanks to Spiderwebb for making me think he would miss the analogy. I didn't want my joke of candy/candie (because I realized I have no idea how she spells her name) dishes all over the house to be lost on him. I went to the store and bought 10 big bags of skittles and now there is a bag of skittles on the bathroom vanity, night stand, his pillow, hallway table, under tv remote, a bag on top of his underwear, a bag on top of his beer in the fridge, a bag on his seat of his car and lastly, a bag floating in every toilet in the house. These were the last ones placed. I figured he should have to fish those out of the toilet just so I get the last laugh and the joy of thinking about him doing that.

I didn't burn the house down but I did find a way to let him know he flushed the best thing he had in life down the toilet!!!!

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 12:24 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

TOC

Falling into the loving arms of your daughter and friends must have been the most comforting feeling when you returned!

This from your most recent post:

Why oh why do we let people we think love us treat us so poorly?! Why of why do they treat us so poorly.

The questions led me to recall this quotation: "Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to".

Love and marriage is our commitment that we can share our vulnerability because we can trust that our partner, among all the people in the world, will always have our back. This to me is the essence of fidelity, and why betrayal is considered such a dealbreaker.

You, your husband, and people like SpaceGhost, had touchpoints during the marriage that affirmed the consequences of betrayal....the "rule" in your initial post that "cheating means it's over".

WK55hn and others have done a great job decoding your husband's message. I was troubled by many aspects of that message. I'm unable to reconcile his pronouncements of love with his other statements. He states he "did feel guilty" yet his guilt and his love weren't enough to stop him from accessing the "Candy Jar". Bob's attempt to hold him accountable and his professed love for you weren't enough either. His stated love was not enough to keep him from being "caught up in the emotions" of continual reaching for the Candy Skittles.

And this brings me back to the notion of fidelity and your original post that "The relationship was pretty balanced". Certainly that balance doesn't now exist with respect to fidelity and integrity....the dealbreakers. And your relationship is no longer balanced based on the tests of character.

Compare a quilt and a bed sheet. People with character are like a quilt that is put together with many individual pieces that aren't easily torn apart when stressed or tested. People with poor character are more like a bed sheet which is made of many individual threads woven in a simple pattern. A bed sheet in everyday use is strong enough to serve it's intended purpose, but when tested, when a hem becomes frayed, it is easily ripped apart.

Your husband is more like the bedsheet. It is his character that is deficient because when tested by the Candy Jar his fidelity to you was easily torn. The answer to the "why?" is that he acted as he did because he is a person of shallow character.

You dear lady are an exquisite quilt.Someone not easily torn apart. In the face of great personal trauma and stress you traveled overseas for an important professional engagement, endured a sudden change of venue to Spain, and still "f'ing nailed" your presentation to your colleagues/ customers/business partners.

Sending a virtual toast to you in Napa.

TL

TOC, I think that is one of the most powerful posts I have read anywhere on the forum. You have managed to capture so many of the things I am feeling in that post.

I also think the Skittles in the toilet is the most legendary thing I have ever read

What's wrong with me? Maybe this is why he was able to so easily look elsewhere for affection and sex.

I know it is easy to think like this but his infidelity had NOTHING to do with you. He saw an opportunity and he chose to take it - that is a failing in him, in his moral integrity, his character. He is broken and it is on him to realise that and to fix it.

You are a wonderful, strong and powerful woman.

To me one of the worst side-effects of infidelity is that we start to question ourselves. Fight to urge to take blame. You did nothing wrong. Being a person who keeps a schedule works for you. That is all.

We all do this though, it seems to be part of the process.

((Hugs)). You're going to be ok.

Hi TTOC,

Just wanted to say I feel your pain. I discovered my FWW's adultery in much the same way, though it want a slipped text. She had just leaned her phone away from me when I walked in the room, prompting my curiosity. Like you, I checked the phone records for the first time in my life and saw the ten thousand plus texts in five months. Same deal, four months PA.

Like you, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. But the healing library here showed me that the adultery has everything to do with the selfishness of the WS, and little to nothing to do with betrayed.

Unlike yours, the marriage wasn't so stellar. I was fully prepared to walk the hell out and be done with it. I was already moving out, like you are, having planned out my exit in the (seeming) eventuality that my FWW would cheat. I was a little surprised to find out I didn't want to leave, after all. FWW and I are in R now.

I will also salute your strength and resolve, as well as your sense of self worth and quick action. You may or may not chose to R with your WH, and I won't counsel you either way, that decision is yours alone to make. With your self awareness,I suspect you will know soon, if you haven't made up your mid already. I will simply say that some hard journeys are worth it, with the right person. My FWW has been helping heal me in ways I don't think would be possible alone. I suspect you'll be fine either way. :)

Also, like you, the word 'fuck' has entered my vocabulary with a stridency and frequency hitherto unknown to my daily interactions. Infidelity changes us all. I hope the best for you. Be well.

TOC,

You continue to amaze. You articulate your complex feelings so well. What you are feeling is perfectly normal, although you are handling it remarkably well.

But....One dynamic I understand very well is that you don't want to be seen as weak. And while I felt that it helped me to not just go down the rabbit hole completely, give yourself permission to lean on others, show your vulnerability and uncertainty.( If you haven't read Brene Brown now may be the time!)

It's perfectly normal that you want your H to want you. There is actually a psychological response to loss that makes us desperate to get someone back, before we even determine if we want them. Plus of course you still love him. My advice is to keep doing what you ar doing; take your time, keep your distance, let your emotions cool down and everything settle. I believe you will ultimately make the right decision, but it should not be about how others view you, but what is best for you.

Best to you.

TOC,

In addition to everyone else's advice, I just want to reiterate that when we say you are doing well, it's not that you FEEL well right now. This shattering, life-altering, shock and trauma is unlike any other, and your life will be forever different because it. You have a future built on integrity, character, and honor. That's a wonderfully good thing--it's the foundation of your new life.

I did this on another thread a year or so ago... I bequeath to you this post from Forged1 from a couple years ago. I found it invaluable. He describes so well the trauma of infidelity--as well as well as the subsequent hurdles and choice(s) we make at the time of crisis.

Here's the thing about infidelity and healing after it. It's incredibly difficult to 'hear' this when it's happening, but it's true nonetheless... Infidelity isn't 'merely' a betrayal. It's an assault on your identity.

When things explode on Dday, you're all over the place. Whether it's suspicions becoming reality or a sudden catastrophic revelation, your identity shatters. On the spot.

Co-dependency gets fired around this site quite a lot, and I don't doubt that it plays quite a significant role in many cases, but it's also important to realize and appreciate just what's actually happening to you when you learn just what's actually been happening.

We have, for however long, defined ourselves as a spouse or committed partner. We have not necessarily subsumed our sense of self in so doing; we have instead made that part of who we are. We have committed. We have made that choice. We have chosen to make that part of the fundamental truth of our very existence.

On Dday, that shatters. Explodes. Vaporizes. And any number of other words describing some sort of destruction. A particular part of the universe suddenly enters a state of unbeing. Forget the WS (wayward spouse) - we are not who and what we thought we were.

Up is down. Right is left. Black is white. The sun is rain, and snow is flame. The universe, and our place in it, is changing.

On Dday, you're not 'trying to save the relationship'. You're trying to save a piece of yourself. And....you can't.

The world is never going to be the same after that. The relationship certainly isn't, whether you stay or go, R or don't. Whether your spouse is in front of you, broken by shame and guilt and remorse, or whether they shrug and essentially flip you the bird before waltzing out the door, that part of your identity is gone, broken and smashed to pieces.

You don't know who you are anymore. How could you, after something like that?

Surviving infidelity isn't about 'healing a relationship'. Surviving infidelity is about reconstructing your identity in the aftermath of the world suddenly tilting on its axis. It is in the aftermath of that destruction that you begin to realize and appreciate who you are. It is only by letting go that you can hold on, and I don't mean hold on to the relationship - I mean hold on to yourself.

You can call it a journey, or a voyage or a trail or whatever... Whatever works for you. Infidelity is a crucible. It will take everything you know about yourself and melt it down. You can stay molten forever, or you can use the energy to hammer yourself into something else, something that's beautiful, and lethal and fucking unbreakable.

Your true self.

Blessings, LA

right now I feel so very stuck in my head. Turn right, turn left. Stand up, sit down. Cry, laugh. Scream, sit in silence. Be mad, be sad. Hate him. Love him. Slap him, turn and walk away from him. Stay, go. I feel so lost. I am so, so, so very profoundly sad.

I want to show I'm tough. I'm a fucking bad ass. I want to burn the motherfuckin' house down and walk away without shedding a tear. I want people to look at me and say, "Fuck, yeah!"

What you are feeling is completely normal, and you've accomplished a great deal within a week. It's ok to slow down. Stop being concerned with how others are viewing your actions, you have nothing to prove to anyone. The only person that matters here is you. It doesn't matter what your WH thinks or wants, your family, your friends, none of that is as important as what you want. Take all the time you need.

(((TOC)))

I love that you have articulated every emotion for me. I'm going through this all, but in my case it was a definite, screaming "OUT" - So my posts have been focused on how to get my STBX out of my house. I also do not have the satisfaction of a clear cut text.

I really knew a PA was on as soon as he stopped mentioning OW as a participant in his bike rides (even though I knew she went)and they ignored each other at social gatherings even though they were "buddies" who went biking together. My other friend always mentioned that the OW was on the rides. When I asked STBX he would always "remember" she was there, but she had always "been invited by one of the other guys".

Once that happens it is just a matter of observing and gathering. He had his phone locked down tight with new passwords on our service and his own phone. I never got a look, so I stuck a GPS in his car and all of his trips to Target began and ended at her house (8-11PM).

I haven't dropped the bomb on them yet. Sunday is my planned exposure day. I have young kids to protect so I've had to strategize and watch knowing exactly what's up for weeks during yet another "Target run". Since she is my "friend" I've had to tolerate continued friendly chit chat from the OW. Its all painful. I know that they have not one thought of me or my feelings, so those will not be mentioned. Appealing to the pity or shame of scum like this is a complete waste of time and they enjoy it - its flattering to know they have won. I won't give them that pleasure. I'm the winner. I have two horrible people removed from my life.

But I look back and cry at 10 years + of photos and the loss of a core family for my boys. And the rejection it still burns despite my logical knowledge that I am better than them, more attractive than her, and a generally successful and accomplished person. A piece of me is forever crushed.

My STBX (thank god not actually married!) had a least two prior EAs. He is unredeemable in my mind. I could not forgive your WH either...once we know how stupid they are its too hard to go back. The EAs damaged me---I was two years out from the last one and it was still affecting me. I should have left when I discovered that one.

In short - R works for some...it did not even work for me after the EA. I was still angry. I still wondered during sex if he thought of his EA girl. My self-esteem had been too damaged for our relationship to work..I never got that emotional connection back.

[This message edited by whymeagain8 at 7:35 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

I want people to look at me and say, "Fuck, yeah!"

I think we all do.