SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Toc 2 words FUCK YEAH!

Now a few more. I havent been on this site for a bit & i just read ur thread from beginning to end. U r truly an amazing insperational woman! U did what most of us dream of doing but dont have the guts to do it! On behalf of everyone betrayed, thank u for showing us it can be fone if thats what path we choose.

U will remain a legend in this group i dare say!

TOC,

Well deserved props/kudos to you from your SI peeps. Please know that people acknowledging your amazing Rock Star moves across two continents does not mean that anyone on this forum would not also understand and feel the absolute pain you are experiencing.

Your Rock Star moves, which I see as coming from the "level headed" part of your character, are being recognized here as moving decisively out of infidelity. Those are the "clinical" steps. Everyone recognizes that those were/are done while in pain.

So yes, kudos to you for digging deep into your strength and reserves to still function in the face of betrayal.

Reading your posts was surreal as they appeared almost in real time as events were unfolding. The most poignant time for me was your last day in Spain when your words expressed so much pain. My heart was breaking for you thinking of you all alone in another country while your life was torn apart.

Even then Team TOC already had their pinkies linked for you.

Peace.

TL

Hi (((TurnOtherCheek)))

I am late to this thread, but as one of the older members here, I can't tell you how inspiring you are!!!!! I take my hat off to you!

I only wish I had known about this site on Dday----did not find it until much later, after I had already made a lot of mistakes. This site has been a lifesaver for me----it helps so much to have company going down this painful road.

I am so glad that you were able to avoid a lot of the mistakes that some of us made.

I too have been married twice and betrayed by both husbands.

In my first marriage

(I married very young---10 year marriage/we had postponed having children Thank God because I was supporting him/putting him thru Grad school)

he cheated with another student from his class-----I walked in on them having sex in our marital bed------that ended that marriage.

Second (current) WH

(we were married 22 years on Dday)

cheated with a coworker Slunt (who was 20 years younger than us, divorced, no kids).

This time, on Dday, I had 4 young kids in the equation, & so we are trying to R.

I wish I could have done what you did, including skittles in the toilet! I LOVE that so much!!!!

Now we are 5 1/2 years out, and I am not that happy. I would never have imagined that (current)WH would fall so short re: "doing the work".

I know I made the right decision for the kids, but not for myself. Since you already have an empty nest , I think you made the absolute best decision.

As Nightowl1975 said a few pages earlier:

There is NO WAY I would willingly walk through the shit storm of attempted reconciliation again. Ever. There is not a human being on this planet worth the pain involved with infidelity under your circumstances....... I would cut this man out of my life like a cancerous tumor, and I wouldn't look back.

It is truly "the first day of the rest of your life", and I know you have a great life ahead of you.

Just wanted to add, re: your WH's email :

I LOVE YOU. I always have and suspect I always will.

Love is a verb. His actions are not loving, they are abusive. By his actions, he has violated, disrespected, & humiliated you.

And like Hopefulmother said:

His ego boost was worth more than you

This is very difficult to accept, but it is the truth.

It has nothing to do with you----it is his lack of character.

Hold your head high!

I know the pain you are going thru and please know that I am sending you strength and (((hugs))).

You will get through this, and you will be happy again one day.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 5:18 PM, September 24th (Saturday)]

Also, don't know if you have read this thread, but I think it would help you.

"Another Great Post for Newbies to read"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=532395

It was originally entitled "Calling All BSs" & written by Nomadlady

I will bump it to the first page of JFO for you

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:13 PM, September 24th (Saturday)]

I am so very sorry that you have been so badly betrayed, and that your WS does not even begin to know why.

Until it happens, none of us know how devastating being betrayed is. That means also therefore that the WS cannot know either. I would contend that one of the consequences for a WS should be to see and comprehend as far as possible that emotional devastation. To truly face and see directly the naked pain and destruction that they have caused so care-lessly, for so little reward, so unthinkingly.

You have acted fast and decisively. I also had the advantage of working abroad for several weeks not long after Dday, and that distance afforded many benefits, and not least not having to maintain a strong front (to him) at all times because I was on my own and could collapse in a feral (Typo, I meant fetal of course, but feral also will do) heap in my hotel room without him seeing. Like you, I did an amazing job of keeping it together professionally whilst running this project overseas (initially anyway, I began to come apart several months in when exhaustion and ptsd really began to take hold). But I was doing everything on reserves, as was not eating or sleeping (and did end up in a foreign A & E eventually when the first serious panic attack happened). WS and I were communicating by emailed letters at this point and so I could spend time during sleepless nights writing very considered and precise pieces. We had children so going completely to ground was not an option, besides my story Is different in that WS had finished the affair before Dday and had confessed it.

So presenting such a measured and controlled front to him, (my anger is more of the ice cold variety and excoriating verbally so I had to take care not to exercise it fully in order to keep channels open) he had no real sense of the damage he had caused, it was like a bomb had exploded in my body, the organs and flesh were in smithereens and just clinging to the skeleton for dear life. But my head was clear and calm, because a/ I had to sort it all for the children whichever way and b/ I had a project and a team depending on me in that country.

The point I am trying to get to in this long winded way is about having the strength to be vulnerable. To be able to show or communicate that pain, so the WS can feel that pain, not just the anger or derision and contempt. It is not something a WS is capable of seeing or feeling early on, mine at least was too full of himself and thinking he had the choice of two women at his feet, was too much in withdrawal and too scared of me leaving and my anger to see past any of that to see or acknowledge the deep deep pain that he had caused. That pain shocked and blindsided me, it is not something you can imagine prior to it happening. I do not think anyone can so I do ask the question if WS could imagine it would they still do it? I know they choose not to try to think about it at all, so as to allow themselves to do it in the first place, but I am curious if they could see extent of the future pain that they will cause whether they would proceed (bring on the chorus of 'oh yes, they would...'). There seem to be enough mad hatters around to suggest that this is futile speculation on my part.

But I digress.

I think my point is that not only have you succeeded in acting rationally, coherently and decisively and present a very together front, it sounds you have also managed to communicate your pain and devastation to your WS in your telephone conversation with him. So that he was presented with the real consequences of his actions, that deliberate injury to another human being. The candy/ skittles strewn around the house was such a truly classy and wonderful expression of contempt, I expect his penis shrivelled into a tiny ball inside him, never to be seen again. But only to feel your anger, or a complete deafening wall of silent nothingness gives just a hard surface for him to react to, whereas a tiny chink showing the blood, anguish and carnage he has caused is more piercing and more devastatingly clear what he has done, what he has caused. Well done for managing both outcomes.

The pain will come now in increasing waves and underwater rip tides and currents. The swimming will be hard. Begin to allow yourself to really feel. You have a great network, in real life, and here. Feel the warmth of the embrace at the tough times.

As to your WH, he sounds a bit numb. I wonder if being out of touch with his feelings has been lifelong. Like you, he is now on an emotional roller coaster. Maybe it will be the saving of him.

Well done, Turn, on how you have handled yourself and the situation. Hug. It's very hard.

[This message edited by Edie at 2:59 AM, September 25th (Sunday)]

Hi all - I am now in Napa area with little time to log on but I can't wait to read all the updates and visit here. You all have been my lifeline. I just wanted to quickly update that I had a weird dream last night which I won't go into here because no time. But in it, I decided my WH had to have a way to reach me if I was ever going to get his explanation about the whole sordid affair or his thoughts on why he did it. Yes, I do want to know and hear it from him if he ever figures it out. So, today I registered an email just for him. Tomorrow I will have my attorney/friend send him a message that if he wants to write to me, only for the reason of explaining his behavior, then he can reach me at:

NO PERSONAL INFORMATION

Boo-fuckin-yah! I thought that was rather brilliant.

And now, off to spa-ing...

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:01 AM, September 25th (Sunday)]

I just have to say how much I admire you! You are the best. Hope I grow up to be LIKE you!!! Best email address EVER!!!!

That email is absolutely brilliant! What a wonderful way to take such a horrible thing and stick it in his face. I love it!

I loved the email address. You have handled this so well. Take your time now to move through your pain and start to heal little by little. Whether we can be decisive like you or need more time to muddle through, especially when their are kids, SAHMs financial dependence or other issues, this still hurts like hell.

To all BSs I wish us strength and peace.

I know that this is all a mind-f*ck for you right now TOC.

But, crikey lady - you're (outwardly) handling this like a champion.

Hugs, and strength and love to YOU.

I'm thinking of you now - tense, but enjoying your spa.

We hear you TOC.

MOB xx

Wonderful. I'd want to know more too. You are at a good place to relax or workout so why not see what he send now...rather than have to deal with it when you are working full time and worried able him showing up here and there.

Love the email address.

TOC -- while I love the email address, I hope you disguised the server when you posted it. This is a public website and we would not want your new email address to fall into the wrong hands. I love Napa. Hope you have an amazing week and get to taste some wonderful wines. The last time we went (in our motorhome with plenty of storage) we brought back 38 bottles. And those were just the ones that were not consumed on the trip. Cheers to you!

I just love the email address, you are truly a superhero.

I, on the other hand, am also just a tad paranoid - does that email address being listed here make this thread at risk of being found if he starts plugging that email address into search engines trying to find you on the web? maybe replace the @ to @noneofyourbusiness,com here in this thread so that he does not find your safe place, here or your current locale as listed here.

Enjoy Napa -

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:37 AM, September 25th (Sunday)]

Another thumbs up for the email address. In his face, every single time he need to contact you.

TOC

Brilliant g mail address. And here you're the one that continues to make us laugh and smile. Such a quick wit and wicked sense of humor. I need you at my next dinner party!

BTW, I checked a weather report for Napa. It came up as 100% chance of R&R and 0% chance of seeing Skittledee/Skittledumb.

The weather report for Skittledee/Skittledumb is Cloudy with Meatballs (if you've seen the movie you can relate) followed by a Category 5 Shit Storm courtesy of your attorney.

TL

TOC,

Thank you

Ah yes, I have been warned and edited on the private info. Being ignorant in this forum is not a weakness IMO. :). For those not in the know - email address was eerily similar to reveal text.

Ah yes, I have been warned and edited on the private info. Being ignorant in this forum is not a weakness IMO. :). For those not in the know - email address was eerily similar to reveal text.

Enjoy your vacation and pampering. Although you have mastered your destiny, I can't help thinking about your broken heart. I know you have been devastated and I want to encourage you to keep grieving, don't replace grief with revenge. It will not serve you well going forward. Best to you and keep up the solid decision making. You have handled yourself like a true champion.

Your strong sense of self and maturity, I hold in great esteem. I do believe in the five stages of grief. Your support group is strong. Counseling could be of benefit as not as a your "broken". Counseling can also be I have had a major life trauma are my bases covered.

I see this period as triage. Strategic planning should cover emotional needs.

Hugs