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I have the texts and for the first three months there was no mention of sex acts they've preformed on each other but there was was flirting. She said the first three months was her seeking emotional validation from him and she developed what she thought was feelings but is starting to acknowledge that this is all her fault and she was selfish.

I told her to get tested for STD's and she said she will even though protection was used. From her story the sexual encounters on break happened twice with kissing and oral and the two days of doing everything, January 2nd and 3rd. She told me she has been researching on how to make this right but I don't know if it's fixable.

I told her I'm moving forward with the divorce until she gets another position. My wife from who I'm aware of never had intimate relations with another man has been fucking this guy after swearing on everything that she didn't.

I will tell her to get a pregnancy test but I don't even see the point. I'm in IC myself and my sister asked if I go through with the divorce and need female companionship from one of her friends she'd be happy to help, basically just hookups or relationships.

I'm still very confused and just don't know what to do. Sadly I think I'm leaning towards divorce, she wants to do MC but I told her not until she gets another job which she said okay.

It is still very early on, a lot of raw emotions and shock at this point.

You are taking care of you and if she wants it to work, she has to show you why and prove it again everyday.

If she doesn't, you're well on your way to moving on.

Damn....

Pregnancy test matter - I think in most states if you are married and she is preg or has a baby you would be on the hook for support for 18 years.

STDs can be transmitted orally, 99% chance that wasn't protected. Be prepared for more TT.

Take your time...this thing is so new to you and she has a three or more month head start (my xW had 6 months on me) it may or may not be fixable.

Right now you both are reacting to the revelation (you) and the divorce papers (her). So both are in the panic /manic mode of "WTF do I do NOW!" not the best frame of mind to make huge decision.

If she has been in contact with OM since the papers it better be her telling him they cannot have contact anymore. forever. If it is "woe is me" then that's another ending to the story. But how to prove/disprove?

Talk to your sister. Keep posting as you will get a spectrum of advice, take what works for you, not others.

You can stop the D at any time or let it make it's way thru the system.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:52 PM, January 16th (Monday)]

She told me that she had sex with him on those days. She also mentioned having oral sex with him in his car during breaks/ after they got off of work. She said the physical aspect started a month ago which does correspond with the text message evidence I had.

Manual,

Why did she tell you? I think it's important for you to determine if she is out of the fog and remorseful. Is she wanting to reconcile?

You looked at the text but is didn't reveal everything. Many BHs think that just because they have some damning evidence from their WW's phone or computer that they have everything. Problem is that most of the communication is in person or talking on phone. When it's a co-worker it becomes so much harder. to get everything. They can go to secluded areas, copy room, storage closet to sneak a smooch.

I'd bet you would never think she could be capable of doing such a thing. She probably has never done that for you but when they go wayward, it is consistently found that they perform acts that they always turned their husband down for.

If you were to read these threads, you would see how many times WHs have to feel the sting of learning that the wife that would refuse to give their begging husband a BJ were regularly giving their AP BJTC. Husbands who were ridiculed for wanting to try anal learn that she allowed herself to be take that way on their first night.

As for protection, that is the biggest lie. Do you really think she's putting a condom on him when she's giving a BJ?

With such a long history together, the thought of starting over is scary but with you being 31 with no kids you can recover much quicker than most who come here.

One thing is for sure, you're NOT a chump. I know it doesn't feel that way but you're doing so much better than most BHs who come here.

For oral they didn't use condoms according to her. But for the sex they did and I do believe her on the sex part. My wife may have betrayed me in the worst way I could ever imagine, but she's not mentally stupid. I know for a fact she wouldn't have sex with this guy without protection as she would not have kids with a man she wasn't married to. When it comes to stuff like that she's rational, it would mess up everything for her and as you can see she's been all about herself this affair.

Basically I'm sitting here whether to think of reconciling or divorcing. She told me she doesn't want a divorce and will do anything to reconcile. Maybe we'll meet with a counselor (which she will be paying for) and have her admit everything she did to me and the counselor, timeline, events, etc. She has said she wants to do that.

As for the other man I do want to confront him, I just don't know the best approach. To be clear I'm not sure if I want to D or R she said she wants to reconcile but we'll see. Going forward with the divorce until she can earn the right to be with someone as loyal as me.

So sorry you are going through this manualgtr. The trickle truth can be worse than the act(s). I lived through 10 months of it. Trust your gut, I did and didn't let it go until it all came out. You are doing well for the trauma your WW has caused you. Take as much time as YOU need. It does sound like the "fog" is lifting, but be prepared for more details, I think you have said as much. We are all here for each other, stay strong brother.

Why bother with a counselor? She's still lying to you -- she'd just lie to the counselor as well.

Honestly it sounds like you should continue to detach, stop consoling her and giving her a template on how to win you back. She can google infidelity just as well as you can. Right now, just 180, detach and continue towards divorce.

Do not confront her boyfriend.

Take your time, Manual.

Let the divorce proceed and watch your WW. When you do, watch what she does, not what she says.

Also, confronting the OM is a losing proposition. However, that does not mean you cannot rain some hell down on him through some well positioned exposure.

What does he do for a living?

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 2:31 PM, January 16th (Monday)]

She told me she doesn't want a divorce and will do anything to reconcile.

That can only start with the entire truth once and for all, and today.

As for the other man I do want to confront him, I just don't know the best approach.

The best approach is to call him on the phone and record the conversation!!!

Meeting in person can become very dangerous as you might kill him, remember one punch can kill a person.

Confront him why, to ask questions, he could lie, take what he says with a grain of salt.

Let him know you know, only if you dont think he knows.

To let him know what you think of him, he probably doesnt care.

To threaten him, that could be a problem, unless you threaten to tell his wife...and I dont think he is married.

She needs to find an individual counselor before you guys start MC. She needs to get at the root of why she did this. How did your families react?

I don't mean to rub salt in the wound, but be very cautious believing her about the use of Condoms. Make her get STD tested regardless if you stay together or not. She has risked your health, and needs to provide medical proof that she didn't put you at risk of HIV, or Hepatitis.

She did put her family and her kids at risk just by engaging in the behaviors she did with this clown. She isn't the person you believed her to be.

Please go get yourself tested as well.

For oral they didn't use condoms according to her. But for the sex they did and I do believe her on the sex part. My wife may have betrayed me in the worst way I could ever imagine, but she's not mentally stupid. I know for a fact she wouldn't have sex with this guy without protection as she would not have kids with a man she wasn't married to. When it comes to stuff like that she's rational, it would mess up everything for her and as you can see she's been all about herself this affair.

It sounds like you still have her on a pedestal. Waywards are in a fog that allows them to do all kinds of things. They justify their actions because he's her soul mate. When they're in the heat of the moment, thoughts of protection from STDs and pregnancy are suppressed. All that matters is keeping the ego kibbles coming. The payment is in the form of her body.

I know most won't agree but to me, a BJ is much more of an intimate act. It's soley about submitting herself to a bring pleasure to another. That it happened in a car, means she completed the job. That would be more heart breaking than sex with a condom.

It's funny how firm action from a BH snaps them to attention. Now she wants to work on the marriage but just a few days ago she's telling you she's in love with OM, confused and couldn't choose.

No matter how prepared you think you are nothing can really prepare you for when you hear your wife admit to having had sex with another man. You still feel the words strike to your very core. The fact that you were her first and until her betrayal, only, makes the blow that much harder.

I feel for you man. Really sorry that you are here and that what we all suspected (knew) was confirmed.

Wishing you the strength to heal. The wisdom to find a way to heal. And peace.

I'm looking out for me and only me at this point. I still love her yes and what I mean is she wouldn't have sex without a condom. She said she will get a pregnancy test and STDs and I'm going to do the same. I know there is no way she will be pregnant but we'll see. Hopefully no std's.

I told her maybe she should go stay with her parents while the divorce is going forward. Told her it's up to her to do anything she can for us to reconcile, I've done all I could. If she wants this she has to make it work. Her parents don't want her at their house.

Myself is my number one priority right now. I have family and friends supporting me and all the people on this website have been great so far.

Do I want a divorce? No but I'm not afraid of it anymore. She now knows that in order for us to even have a possibility of reconciling it's all up to her behavior.

Maybe this is coddling her but convince her parents to take her in. If she can't be at your home, and her parents turn her away...and she's still in the "fog", OM is an option. If i had a choice, I would rather her parents show her disappointment and shame rather than the open arms of the OM

Of course that would be the stupidest move on her part, but not out of the realm of possibilities

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:24 PM, January 16th (Monday)]

Is the Posom married? I can't remember.

It's shocking and particularly cruel that she decided to go all the way with him right after you confronted her about her affair. First she lied about the affair and then she rubbed your face in it.

After that she comes crawling back after you file for divorce. How does she explain ( make excuses) for that and totally diisrespecting you her vows and herself?

If her parents will not take her in then why not her boyfriend? He was begging her just a few days ago.

I mean she should be more than free to go. You'll know pretty quickly where you stand in terms of being Plan A.

Do I want a divorce? No but I'm not afraid of it anymore. She now knows that in order for us to even have a possibility of reconciling it's all up to her behavior.

Best possible attitude based on the shitty circumstances.

You found out, got back in the driver's seat and now it is your call.

It still sucks, but you get to decide now, as you said, based on her actions - and if they are enough.

I told her maybe she should go stay with her parents while the divorce is going forward. Told her it's up to her to do anything she can for us to reconcile, I've done all I could.

Have you given your wife a complete list of things that she needs to do in order to even try to reconcile? And if so, how did she react to that list?