SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just wish she could understand how fortunate she is that Im not doing what every one of you is screaming at me to do!

Then she would find out that you are also codependent and an enabler.

You are still in the denial stage it seems, you need to get past this and hit the anger stage before you can make any real progress. I remember going through this myself, took me about a year to get over myself and hold my WS accountable for her actions.

What worked for me was accepting she made the choices herself and it had nothing to do with me regardless of all the blame shifting. I stopped with the all "If I had done things differently" pity party and took her off the pedestal and focused on what I wanted and not what she was doing. You are protecting someone that has stabbed you in the back and didn't appreciate what she had.

Its time to take away all that and hold her feet to the fire. You really have all the control here, you need to start using that power. She has more to lose than you (you are the prize, not her) so don't give her the choice, it should your way or the highway and point her to the door if she doesn't like it.

The nicer you are to her, the worse you make things for yourself as you end up rewarding her for cheating on you. She will not respect you if you make yourself a doormat. You think she would act like you if you were the one that cheated?

Have you bought the MMSLP book ? Another great book,especially for Christians is LOVE MUST BE TOUGH.

For God's sake at least get these two books. It will help you to concentrate on something besides your fear. Your wife must be looking at you as truly pathetic right now. I know exactly how you feel. I was a total zombie and nearly fired. Things didn't change until denial was replaced with anger and telling her I was not an option any longer. Then guess who started running back.

Sorry this ran long, but I feel you need to hear it.

TPIR, the only reason your thread is 13+ pages longs is you haven't done anything to make significant change. There is lyrics from song "...Even if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice..." The only thing is you are not going to like is the result.

You believe what your wife says with out validating it yourself, and have taken it as gospel. I don't know what you do in your job; but If A is false, then B doesn't matter.

Basic logic. If I lie to you, then what is said "as truth" really is a don't care.

Calling infidelity an affair sounds "too polite"; to me always sounds like cheater-speak. The real term is cheating.

You as the BS played by the marriage rules, and the WS does not. THEY LIE to You. They will lie by omission, flat out distortion with some truth mixed in to sound plausible. They will use people, manipulate you and the ones they love.

She is cheating the marriage vows. You are playing by the rules, and she is cheating to win. You have caught her, so what, since she cheated on the M, she will now cheat by lying to you.

An affair is a fantasy world, but the betrayed also lives (Initially) in a fantasy world by believing the person, that was suppose to be their partner in life, IS NOT right now. In order to make any progress you have to stop living in the Fantasy pre-Affair world. The M before the A does not exist right now. Once you destroy the A, then you have a chance at rebuilding close to what you had.

When she stepped out onto the Affair boat, she destroyed that dream that you two would be together with no THIRD person in your M.

This has already happened. I can put serious money she has (based on what you have written), she has had sex with him multiple times. I know right now you say "that doesn't matter". That's because you are still in SHOCK, this phase will diminish in about 1 to 2 more weeks (normally). Shock phase from D-day about 2 to 4 weeks on avg.

Even now this phase I remember the most, I did nothing, I could barely eat or sleep. I just kept wanting it to go away as if it had never happened. But you know deep down no wishing in the world can undo it.

The bigger picture is stay in denial, and things can go far worse. There may not be a "Cheaters's Handbood" but there might as well be. All cheaters have roughly the same basic personality. Do nothing and she will lose respect for you. She more than likely will go back to the affair. If she hasn't had sex, and based on "the weekend" she has, she will go full bore with him.

I give it maybe 3-4 months on the outside before you notice a change in her demeanor, if YOU DO NOTH(NG.

There is a reason for 13 pages everyone tells you to tell the OBS, besides being morally right. It puts another set of eyes on the A. It forces POSOM to focus on saving his ass. It forces him to tell his wife nothing happen.

Oh??? wait a minute, the OBS would know from you her H went to a hotel with your wife, Oh honey (OBS), she (your WW) pursued me, it wasn't my fault, blah blah blah.

Next your wife sees the POS OM for what he is when he throws her under the bus.

Lost, the huge tell on how bad the affair got, is when after the OBS knows, your WW comes to you and says "YOU blew up the OM's world apart", or is just downright angry at you. This will be your wake up call.

Then you polygragh her, not because you want to know play-by-play sex escapades, it's because you will never recover totally not knowing the TRUTH.

Right now you ignore everyone, imagine you are isolated, and you have a major wound, you're bleeding out (that blood is your marriage).

Everyone tells you what First Aid you need to do (we can't do it for you). Instead of doing anything you just tell everyone that you are not going to do it. This is your right, it is your life and you M. Just remember you kids future relationships/marriages is based on what they learn from their parents.

If both you and your wife continue this behavior it will impact your kids, it did impact my DD.

Writing back to defend this won't matter to me. You are starting on your affair journey, Mine has been done a long time ago. I already have a good idea how yours will turn out.

Back when my A happened I told no one, I had no place (like this) to go to that I felt like I could saying anything. The ONLY thing I did right was eventually doing something, AFTER the PA was full blown.

Like you I floundered in disbelief, and the A progressed further and further into a shit hole. They took it underground (sort of). They still made mistakes.

Your journey out of this only begins with the first step. Right now you have just stood in one place, and wondering why it still keeps hurting. I hope you just don't just stand there and bleed out.

What is the MMSLP book? I'll order it now and read it immediately.

Married Man Sex Life Primer. It may seem from the title it is just about sex but don't let that throw you off. It is more and helpful along with No More Mr Nice Guy if you are a man that needs to learn how to assert himself without being a jerk.

Hey there tpain.

I believe that the Married Man Sex Life Primer book. I believe it was also mentioned by downintx on the previous page. I have not read it so I cannot comment on it.

Enough advice from me for now. I just thought I would pop in to see how you are doing. You must be wrestling with the concept of the one person that you want to go to for comfort is also the same person that did this to you in the first place. How are you doing?

Also good to see you making friends and posting on pineapple's thread. Stretch your wings a bit. There is a ton of knowledge on SI.

Did you find the betrayed menz thread in the I can Relate Forum yet?

Keep talking and posting as much as you need to. That's what this place is for.

yop

eta - grammar again

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:25 PM, July 19th (Wednesday)]

Also, speaking of the Menz thread, made me think of something that happened to me when I first started here on SI.

One of the things that was stressed when I first started here at SI, that I'm not seeing as much these days, is to let go of the outcome. Or maybe it is still being said just in a different way. Point being is you have to let go of the outcome of something you can't control, you can then focus on the things that you can control...such as yourself. You can't control your wife and what she may or may not be doing or whether or not she may be "getting it".

jjct used to follow me around the forums. Whether my thread was here in JFO, or eventually I moved to General, or even in Menz... there would be jjct being a pain in my ass. And thank God he was!!

"Hey yop let go of the outcome"

"Hey yoppers, you implement that 180 yet?"

"Hey yop let go of the outcome"

Over and over again. Everywhere I went. jjct could see I was struggling. I miss him. I haven't seen him around here since DS passed away. Some great "elders" in my day when I first joined. Many of them are still here and commenting on your thread.

Trust me. We understand where you are at.

Hey t pain... "let go of the outcome"

Took me a while but I eventually let go of the outcome. You will get there at some point.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:00 PM, July 19th (Wednesday)]

i worked for the first time today since i confronted her.

it felt really good. i literally felt my brain let go of the pain. it came in waves. if i sat idly for any time at all i was right back. i checked this thread a bunch, and that was fine. bottom line is that as yop said so concisely, let go of the outcome.

i did nothing wrong. i dont deserve this but its not my fault.

ordering the two recommended books now. hopefully, 180 will come soon.

im still terribly against contacting OBS. it just doesnt feel right. her husband is a pos and she knows it.

[This message edited by thepainisreal at 3:34 PM, July 19th (Wednesday)]

also why has noone responded to me saying that drfone doesnt work?

it gave up nothing.

not sure there would be a benefit from VAR unless i could mount it to her face. she will never call him again from her cell and im sure she will never have him in the car. unfortunately, she now knows those are both trackable.

i want to zoom down the road where everything is normal and i can trust again. really i do.

Why are you assuming she knows her husband is a piece of shit?

Has he had other affairs that you know of? I mean,other than what your wife has told you about him, which may,or may not be true, because your wife isn't exactly a pillar of honesty.

Even if he has other affairs,and even if his wife knows about them,does she not deserve to know about this one?

There are many B's here who have had to deal with more than one affair. Do you think they didn't..or don't.. deserve to know about all infidelities that occurred in their marriage?

If you wife had more than one affair, would you want to know?

Or do you just figure he's so deplorable that she must know he's s POS?

My guess is, until you discovered the affair, you didn't have any idea your wife was lacking morals, and capable of shitting all over her family. Why assume his wife is any different than you were, before dday?

fair.

i assume that this isnt the first time hes cheated.

he pursued a 16 year old girl when he was a college graduate. he cheated on my wife when they were married. he tried to start a relationship with my wife 2 years after we were married and then now. seams like POS behavior to me, she must know, but maybe not.

probably just me trying to rugsweep that she should know.

Dr. Fone did not work for me either. Jihosoft worked better, but not completely. I didn't get everything, but I got enough.

She may not know.

She deserves to know.

probably just me trying to rugsweep that she should know.

Or trying to protect your WW or not do something that will make her mad. There have been 14 pages of this thread with everyone saying approximately the same thing and you won't take the advice. I have looked at every post and I don't think anyone on here has said it was a good idea to not tell the OBS and yet you won't even consider it. The only advice that you seem to take is to buy a book or two. You won't get anything from those either because when the advice in there runs counter to what you want (or more accurately what your WW wants) you probably won't take that either.

There is a lot of experience on this site and the folks here have seen it all. You should really go back and read this whole thread like it is about someone else. I will make a prediction. There is a "You Guys Were Right, I Should Have Listened..."post coming from you in just a few months.

beenthere

you are 100% right.

i will do what needs to be done when i determine it needs to be done. i am protecting what my wife would want. i am afraid that if i brought this to the surface, it would kill any chance of reconciliation. shockingly, i do not want to upset her. i do not want to run her off for good. yes, i know that she did this. yes i know that its her fault. i guess ive taken it in the ass for months, whats a little more time to see how things play out.

i know exactly where i sit. im frozen damned near solid and dont want to do anything that cant be undone.

if and when the time comes, i will.

Good luck to you. I'm sorry

I think I recommended the VAR idea to you a few days ago when the GPS idea wasn't to be.

My thinking is not so much that the OM would be in the car with her, or even on the phone with her for that matter. Instead, it's that I'm going to assume that this whole situation is Topic #1 in her life and she may well be talking about it on the phone with others. A close friend? Her sister? You'll find out the truth quite possibly through the VAR.

We've seen situations where the VAR has been the key to the entire operation in terms of learning the truth. I wish I had known about this myself several years ago when I was sitting in your seat.

There's really no downside. Well, at least if you're looking for the truth. Which in and of itself I know can be hard.

Know of one that works?

Of all the times I've heard of Dr. Fone being recommended I don't ever think I've read a thread where it worked like it was supposed to. Most of the time it doesn't sound like it works period.

i am protecting what my wife would want. i am afraid that if i brought this to the surface, it would kill any chance of reconciliation. shockingly, i do not want to upset her. i do not want to run her off for good. yes, i know that she did this. yes i know that its her fault. i guess ive taken it in the ass for months, whats a little more time to see how things play out.

You have to believe us when we tell you that we've been there.

To this day, I don't know if there has ever been a member more paralyzed by what you have written above then myself. WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT.

The fear of upsetting our wayward spouse. The hope that things will go back to normal. The clutching at straws of ANY sign of our WW doing something positive. The absolute fear that we will push our spouse to the OM. Everything/Anything that keeps us from taking action.....

Like it was stated earlier, the shock is going to wear off. Emotions other than fear will start to take a greater presence in your mind. And hopefully, you will be more willing to take a firmer stance. And as for the comments on this thread being so long because you are not 'listening'? That's not true. Your thread is long because you are being interactive, and taking the advice.....and criticisms. Sure, the thread may be shorter right now without repeated urging from many of the members to take action(me included), but the bottom line is that members that stay involved, and interact, will continue to have responses. They aren't going to 'give up' on you. They are going to keep pounding and pounding(maybe at an escalating rate) what they believe you need to do to start getting yourself out of infidelity.

It seems that you recognize that you need to take these actions, but are still hesitant for your own personal reasons. That's still progress in my book. If you want to fight tooth and nail as to why you won't take certain actions, or want to disappear instead of facing the criticisms, that is entirely your choice. It is the WRONG choice, but it would still be yours.

But you keep coming back for responses. I can assure you, if you stay engaged here, things will start to settle in. You'll gain some strength. You'll be more open-minded to suggestions that just don't sit right....until you analyze them thoroughly. Bottom line is, you are making progress. But you are carrying a huge burden that is not yours, and you can speed up your healing by dropping this weight, and taking positive steps.

Start by letting go of this weight, and heed some of the very repeated advice you have been given.