SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I love the “I did not kiss back” line. Unless you pulled away, you kissed back!

So someone that she just met for the first time on December 3rd has already "kissed" her, groped her, and she didn't stop it right on the spot, and report him to HR?

Do the online phone records show anything to "Jennifer" before December 3rd?

How in the hell did it get so far, so fast, that she was willing to dissuade you from attending the Christmas party, having known "Jennifer" for only 12 days? And tons of texts, with a fake name for the contact information? This sounds like your WW may have been cheating for quite a while, maybe just not with "Jennifer". Her actions scream out that she's a seasoned cheater.

Something smells here.

The TT begins. Prepare for 1/2 truths.

They are holding hands and he's got his hand in her lap the first time they go to "lunch"? On Tuesday he kisses her...She is minimizing. Tuesday was probably a bj.

Good for you on getting the phone analyzed. You will see what was sent by both of them/

There is a rocky road ahead for you if she is all over the guy in a matter of days. Don't agree to anything yet, especially MC. Right now she's in panic mode but will soon try to defend herself.

When she says it was a mistake, explain it was her choice.

Dan, you're handling this very well so far. Most BSes make the mistake of doing the pick me dance and begging their WS to come back. Being uncompromising and allowing no excuses is exactly the right thing to do.

Definitely don't believe her about what she says happened. All cheaters lie and TT. You're likely to find that holding hands in his car = sucking his dick in the parking lot, that unreciprocated kissing at the office = a quickie in his office or hers, and that light sexting = full on text porn and plenty of nudes from her to him.

Keep investigating on your own, keep putting the screws to her, and make her take a polygraph if you wish.

One other thing you probably don't want to hear right now but that you should take into consideration is that this might not be the only time she's done this. By her own words she's known the POS less than a month and she was already going on dates with him, buying sexy dresses for him, and trying to drop you so she could go have fun with him at the party. This speaks volumes about her (lack of) integrity. If you do polygraph her, include a question about whether this is her only instance of infidelity.

At the very least your wife is acting like an immature high school girl with zero boundaries. I hope that's all it is.

However, from your posts (name disguised as Jennifer), plans with him for the party. This just didn't happen. She was making the effort to conceal, etc. not your average "it just happened" because im a dumbass cheater.

If your guy is successful with the phone you'll get most of the story but you'll never know it all.

Good job on your part

Keep in mind that just about every single story on JFO, the initial confession is just a small part of the truth.

Many here said she would TT you, I said she would minimize and say “we only kiss once!”. Brace for more...

She is not a victim. The temptation is great to only blame the OM. But she let this happen. She deleted those text messages and she tried to keep you away from the Christmas party. Those are not actions of a victim.

Watch what she does, not what she says.

Another thing that shutter said (that OM may have got a hotel for the night).

You said this party was at a country club if I'm not mistaken. If so are there hotels near by? Does the country club have a hotel as well?

If so I would call a few of them (hotels and country club) this morning and ask them for OM to see if he's staying there.

If they (hotel or country club hotel) puts your call through to OM room that would be very telling as to what their plans were for the night.

Just a thought.

She claims that the reason she didn't want me at the party was because he had grown protective of her in the last few days and was worried that he would act exactly like he did. She says that she will never see, speak, or contact him ever again.

He has not reached out to her via her phone yet. I guess that he may try, but I will not have her phone after today until I get it back on Monday. I will check the log later. My daughters are 14 and 16 and have been trying to cheer me up this morning. They wrapped my hand in an ace bandage a few minutes ago.

She claims that the reason she didn't want me at the party was because he had grown protective of her in the last few days

Does this make any sense to anyone? Going from first meeting 12 days ago to "he had grown protective of her in the last few days"? WTF????

Sounds as if your daughter's are wonderful children.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

[This message edited by Wool94 at 9:30 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Dan, I am so very sorry that your suspicions were verified. I imagine you didn't sleep much last night, if at all. This is going to be a rough ride for you, your daughters, and your wife. First things first, don't worry about it being a rough ride for your wife - she created this mess and there HAS to be repercussions for her actions. You cannot let her beg, plead, or bargain to stay in your life. She'll do all three and you simply have to harden your heart to it.

I'm not convinced the relationship between your wife and the co-worker has gone physical. At a minimum it's been in the throes of an emotional affair that was speeding towards physical though. Regardless, either one is cheating and is extremely damaging to a marriage. You are never going to trust her again - I know this from personal experience. She can quit her job, send a no contact letter to the piece-of-shit affair partner and never contact him again, become a model wife and mother - she can do it ALL and you will still never fully trust her. You can't because she is a proven cheater and there is something broken in her that allowed her to do this to your family. It is the ultimate betrayal and ultimate disrespect to you and your marriage. That will eat at you for the rest of your life, even if it's just in the background.

With that said, let me offer my advice. Don't believe a word she says because she will lie straight to your face just like she's been doing.

Only you can decide if you are willing to forgive her and can live with what she has done. For men, it's especially hard if their spouse has given it up physically to another man. One of the first things you need to do is give up your ego - that part of you that's screaming "she's MINE and no one else can have her." It's not true and you can't make it true. She's given herself to someone else whether that's emotionally, physically, or both. She's told you she's not yours alone. It's a tough pill to swallow but do NOT let your ego get in the way and try to claim her.

Instead focus on your pride. Have pride!! Tell yourself that you and your daughters deserve better than a woman who cheats. You're a good looking man, presumably have been a good husband (none of us know here because we only have your side of the story), are a good person, and you don't deserve to be cheated on. Even if you've been a crappy husband you don't deserve to be cheated on. NOTHING justifies cheating.

When you finally talk, tell her that you are filing for divorce and do it. You can always stop it if you decide to reconcile. Tell her to come pack what she needs and find another place to live. In fact, tell her to go live with her BF - that you're not standing in her way. Legally, unless the house is in your name only you can't force her to leave but I would get her out of the house if you can. And YOU do NOT move out!! Stay in the comfort of your home with your daughters.

And for the good of your daughters, do NOT talk to them about what has happened any more. There are people here who will tell you to blow up your wife's life. I do not support that opinion for many reasons. What has happened is between you and your wife - it's YOUR marriage, not your daughters. They do not need to get caught in the middle of this and hear all the dirty details. It will screw them up for life. Tell them what has happened is a marital problem, that it is between you and their mother. Even though they know what she did, cut them off from knowing anything else. I promise you, that is the best thing for them.

As far as exposing them to co-workers, human resources, etc. - a lot of people here recommend that. But, before you take that action think of this reality - if you expose her and the co-worker your wife could be fired. That will hurt her ability to get another job. If you divorce, and she hasn't been able to find work, guess who is going to be paying her a big chunk of alimony and child support? YOU!! So, before you blow up her career think of the serious ramifications that will mean for you and your financials.

That's all I have for right now, Dan. I know you're overwhelmed with all the responses you've already received. Read through them when you can and take the advice seriously. In the end, only you can decide what is best for you. It is going to be a painful journey so lay off the booze because that just allows you to get to a place where your actions become careless. You need a straight head. If you can't sleep and are ridden with anxiety/depression there is no crime in going to see a doctor to get some meds to help with that.

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you.

Hey man, I'm really sorry you are here. You're getting great advice and doing really well despite the circumstances.

I'm another BH and I've been in your very shoes brother. Just found out, confirmed the affair. It was 10 years ago for me.

You're doing exactly what I did.....scrambling, trying to plug dikes with your fingers, but rapidly running out of fingers. Reacting to whatever she says and does and frankly right now you cannot believe anything she is telling you.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I will leave you a suggestion:

You might want to consider coming at this from another angle. Really consider how truly you want to be with a cheater. And really consider if you can truly trust her again if she does reconcile with you and re-commits.

Also, consider turning the tables on her. Instead of you being the one who is scrambling around reacting to her actions, trying to save your marriage, make HER the one doing the scrambling and marriage saving. Make her react to you.

What she is saying right now is outright bullshit and she will gaslight you if you let her. Stop it in its tracks and tell her you're not interested in talking until she is ready to tell you how SHE is going to re-gain your trust. No more of her bullshit gaslight excuses. You don't need to hear what a great guy OM is because you already KNOW he's scum.

What I'm getting at is figure out what your true deal breaker(s) is/ are. Tell her. Maybe it is something along the lines of she breaks off all communication, give you her phone, maybe even leave her job, [YOU FILL IN YOUR CONDITIONS] or.......you are done and you file for divorce and will only communicate with her through your lawyer.

Maybe there is not going back already and eventually you will realize you're done with her. That's ok too.

The reality is she broke her commitment to you and left you in this mess. She should be the one scrambling around making huge effort to save the marriage, not you.

Just stuff to consider.......

Take care of yourself and your kids. Sleep. Eat. Lots of fluids. Get a lawyer. GET A LAWYER.

Breathe.

[This message edited by TheBod at 9:39 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Yeah, the OM seems like he is a little off.

My BIL is on his way over now. We are going to take the phone to the shop and then he is taking me to lunch. My girls are headed to a birthday party for a friend and then I will take them out to dinner tonight.

So she didn't want you to go bc he was becoming protective of her (places the blame on him), then exactly who was the sexy, new dress for?

Dan,

This has been quite the drama for us out here on the internet to watch unfold in near real time. For you, I am sure it has been quite traumatic.

You need to take care of yourself as a trauma victim.

Make sure to keep yourself well hydrated by drinking plenty of water. This will help flush the "trauma chemicals" out of your body, and keep you feeling sharper.

If you had a program of regular exercise, keep at it, or even step it up. If not, start working out regularly. It will improve your fitness, make you feel better about yourself, and will help replace the "trauma chemicals" in your body with more positive ones. Physical activity can also help quiet your mind.

I hope you were able to get some sleep last night. You may have trouble in the nights ahead, don't be afraid to see a doctor for help with that if need be.

I have a french-canadian friend from college, and back then his accent would seem to come on stronger and his facility with the english language would seem to deteriorate whenever there was a pretty girl around -- I think for him it was just a natural response to the hormones. This guy Robert (aka "Jennifer") seems to using this as a technique to help him seduce women. I am sorry that your W was so weak as to fall for it.

Again, take care of yourself, so you can be there for your daughters (although they seem to be handling things pretty well).

Good Luck going forward.

We have been planning to go her Christmas party for the last month or so but about a week and a half ago she started acting a little distant and seems to be trying to talk me out of going to the party

Umm. Ask her to explain the bolded.

DO NOT LET BIL touch the phone. Period. Be VERY careful what you say to him. He may have already been BS'd by WW and SIL to try to get info.

DaninOH you acted quickly and effectively - kudos to you!

As others are saying this smells a bit off. She went from discussing Thai food to sexting, receiving nude pics, handholding, accepting his groping and kissing in a few days! The deceit behing coming up with a girl's name (Jennifer) for him means she put some thought into this and as others have said, of course she kissed back.

What I am getting at is that for him to be that "possessive" means it has already gone a lot further and you really need to get to the bottom of this. Cheaters will lie and only admit to what they think you know or will believe to minimise the impact of what they have done. If they were in proximity every day, and have been out alone together, there is a very strong chance that they have had sex - they are not teenagers holding hands - adults fuck when they want to get together. I know this may be difficult for you to accept. Its time for a poly and a lot more snooping. Tell her one final time - you know that there is more and it is up to her to come completely clean with you else there is a snowflakes chance in hell of you getting back with her. She needs to come clean. Oh and if you are thinking of getting back with her and demand that she resigns, then inform work of this guys shenanigans and get him fired!

If you are thinking of splitting up then you will want her in employment to minimise payments to her so let them both stay there till the divorce and its terms are finalised (then do what you want about it).

There is definitely more to be found out.

The affair started those three months in 2017. They kept in touch all this time; I bet mostly through work email. And that is something you have no access to. Does she have a work cell? Since 2017, I bet they "have lunch" every time he is in town. And last night was his night and you being there ruined it.

You have a lot to deal with right now.

She says that she was just being a dumb ass and can't explain why she was acting this way.

It is important for her and you to get to the heart of this. Whatever the answer is, the TRUE unvarnished answer, is critical to the health of your marriage. If she says she was bored, flattered, insecure, lonely, temporarily crazy, horny, or stupid, those aren’t valid answers. The proper response to any of those feelings as a married adult person with a mouth, proven communication skills, and a seemingly safe partner, is to talk to your spouse and work it out together, not engage in an affair. Period.

The real answer lies in her DECISION not to communicate any of those things to you and to take it outside your marriage to someone else. Why did she choose destructive and painful door B? “Because I was stupid.” isn’t an answer you can accept and expect to hold a marriage together. You can’t rely on her to choose door A next time (honest communication with her husband) if she can’t be truthful with you and herself about why she played so cavalierly with your life, her life, and your daughter’s lives. That makes her an unsafe partner.

It hasn’t even been 24 hours yet and it will take some time for her to figure this out, but she should be willing to examine it, talk about it, and answer every question you have until you’re satisfied you have enough to make a good decision for yourself. Any frustration, unwillingness, or anger on her part in response to working on this should be viewed as proof that she doesn’t want to do the hard work it takes to come back/get through this mess she created, but rather would prefer to hide it and compartmentalize it to pretend it didn’t happen. That isn’t a long-term healthy solution. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t last. It is a bandaid on a gaping wound.

Incidentally, as a decent, loving partner to her, which I assume you are from everything I’ve read here, NOTHING you did, didn’t do, said, didn’t say is a valid reason to take up with another man. She had other options, namely COMMUNICATING with you. Please don’t let her rewrite your marital history placing you in the role of neglectful, unsupportive husband. That isn’t a reason to cheat either. Once again, her options in response to any difficulties in a marriage or in her own head CANNOT be adultery. Her options could have been talking to you, seeing an individual counselor, getting a hobby, and others too numerous to laundry-list here. Never breaking her marriage vows.

Things I asked my husband:

Did you think it would hurt me to find out?

Did you think I was too stupid to find out?

Were my feelings at all a consideration?

I told you and showed you that I love you everyday. Did you think I was lying? Or are you so callous that it didn’t matter?

How were you able to so easily look me in the face afterwards?

Are you so stupid that you don’t think your colleagues haven’t noticed?

Is it your plan to lie to everyone we know about the problem here?

Is it your hope I’ll just go along with some impotent “we grew apart” explanation to preserve you?

Do you know what divorce looks like everyday?

Are you aware that this changes your future, mine?

Today, we need to talk about the following: itemizing our possessions, calling a real estate agent, start separating our assets, talking about our retirement funds, telling our friends and families, finding alternate living arrangements, developing some method of communication through lawyers because I’m not dealing with you - I don’t even know who you are, explaining to our jobs why the sudden upheaval, getting STD tests, filing paperwork with the court, dismantling this life we built together. That is reality.

In your twisted mind, how did you rationalize treating another human this way?