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The fact that the guy was angry is telling. I would not be surprised if your wife and him planned to snick out of the party to have some private time together. And then you showed up: such a bummer.

Your wife is not honest to you. Her story makes no sense and shows her unwillingness to admit that she deliberately betrayed you and planned (if not had) a full blown sexual relationship with this guy. Just keep in mind that your wife has a serious mental issue and don't expect her to turn into the woman you think you knew.

I would stop talking to her for a couple of days to figure out what you want and need in life, how do you want to proceed. Honestly, I don't see any signs of awareness and mature personality in your wife. Not a good sign for a marriage partner. Unlike many posters here, I don't see much difference between emotional and physical affairs. If you would not proactively seek for the cause of your wife being detached, it is very likely she would have f.. this guy a few hours ago. Also, 414 messages and 4 hours of talk do not correlate with two kisses. I guess there is much more here to discover.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 12:17 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

OM was on temporary assignment which means he had hotel accommodations probably close by. Very easy access.

Very true, very convenientfor "lunch quickies" and most likely the case, however at this point it's still good to ask and dig further, just because SHE said he's just a temp, doesn't mean that he is, we all know CHEATERS lie, it could be an attempt for her to minimize in an effort to remain working there, however the office gossip could be brutal on Monday. But yes, he can change to question to: "Did you ever go to his place or to a hotel/motel with him ?

Her story doesnt add up at all. You're right, the phone should give you more insight. I wouldn't believe a word out of her mouth.

Shes in panic mode right now. I think shes come up with this story, but when you compare it to what you experienced with this OM, none of her story makes sense.

There is a lot more to come. I HATE it when the good people of SI are right

I’m sorry for you and your daughters. None of you deserve this.

I hope you get some counseling for you and them if needed.

I also suggest that you not make any permanent decisions right now about D or Reconciliation. It is too soon.

You can live apart if necessary but now is not the time to do anything regarding the family structure. You can do the 180 on her if you allow her to move back home but at the end of the day she still is a parent. Your daughters will now have to accept the “new” mom - the cheater mom - who destroyed the family. Doesn’t mean it cannot be repaired but it will never be like it was.

Secondly I suggest a post nuptial agreement if you consider allowing her to return home or if you reconcile. The post nup will financially protect you. You do not want to state if she cheats as a reason for the post nup. Have it notarized and it is legal. She will have to spend $ to have it overturned. She is not signing it under duress. It’s her choice to sign it.

But I made my post nup mandatory to consider reconciliation. If we don’t ever D then it’s a non issue. Same for you - if you reconcile and never D - it’s a non issue. But if you R and fonD - you are protected. If you try to R and you quickly realize it won’t work - you have hammered out many parts of the separation and divorce terms and things can move quickly.

You want to state “in case of a Divorce” the assets are divided up (and the agreement should address money, home, retirement assets, custody etc). You can have the agreement state b/c she has a job she waived her right to alimony. Or she does not get any part of your retirement assets.

Whatever you can do to protect YOU - do it. My H begged me to R. After two Affairs I wanted no part of him. So one day I said I would consider it but I wanted a post nup. He willingly signed. And in case of a D for any reason - my assets are mine. He cannot get any $ from me or certain accounts. And I still get money from him.

The post nup was drawn up as a financial agreement by an attorney. All legal.

That was my condition to even consider reconciliation.

And I will say my H has changed and is no longer a liar and cheater. We have a good M. We are happy. But I am very well protected.

Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:27 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Also, since you have 414 messages history, do you see any pattern in when these messages were sent? For instance, were they sent before her going "to the gym"?

You have mentioned earlier that both of you have set strict boundaries on how to interact with opposite sex coworkers. What were these boundaries? Who have set them? The fact that your wife were the one who was jealous makes it possible that it was not her first fling or at list flirting.

In any case, you should meet a divorce attorney and figure out how it works in your state.

Ok so your WW says this all started December 3rd when the OM started his second stint at work. You have his phone number - which is how you found the 411 texts and 4 hours of calls in the first place - so how about checking the older phone records - preferably going back to the time of the first stint at work in 2017. That will tell the tale.

WRT the 414 texts - do the early ones sound like they're between two people who just met, or just started getting to know each other, or do they give you the impression that you walked into Act III of a five-act play? (Here I'm assuming you manage to recover the data.)

[This message edited by Foley05 at 1:11 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Doesn’t he say the om worked at the company in 2017 BEFORE his WW started?

Doesn’t he say the om worked at the company in 2017 BEFORE his WW started?

Yes, but who's to say if she has met him BEFORE she started working there? Maybe a friend works(worked) there last year and introduced them? Dan doesn't know, but if he can recover the texts that may tell him a lot. Like stated above, what are the initial texts like? Someone just meeting, or maybe referring to previous rendezvous? It should be obvious. I'd also like to figure out who was the first one to start texting, WW or "Jennifer", and whether Robert started coaching her on how to cheat, or did she already know it?

Doesn’t he say the om worked at the company in 2017 BEFORE his WW started?

Yes. It sounds like the OM has worked for the company longer than his wife and worked for a few months (or weeks?) in 2017 before his wife was hired. I believe the OM generally lives in Canada where he is based.

I just wanted to add that she may or may not have had plans with OM at & after the party. No one really knows. Yet. But her buying a “sexy new dress” is not an indication she had plans after. If she works in the medical profession, she more than likely doesn’t get a chance to show off her sexy side. Most of the times women get all dolled up to impress other women & friends to show off sort of speak. It’s not always about the men. Just saying.

Also, I don’t want to defend your WW, but OM seems like a total creep (based off of your interactions with him at the party). So her “story” doesn’t seem that far fetched at least to me. The only thing I’m suspicious of is that “kiss.” But him getting so attached in such a short time and being so weird at the party with you can honestly just be HIM being a weirdo and not some intense passionate history between them.

[This message edited by Hamburgundy at 1:31 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Ok, BIL and I dropped off the phone to the guy and he said it would be $80 to recover the texts and pics and that I could pick it up Monday morning. I paid him $300 and he will drop it off at my house in the morning . Not only did I want to read them sooner, I also wanted to have the phone back sooner in case the guy tries to contact her.

My BIL said that she is a wreck and that she was throwing up all night. So far her sister is pissed at her and cant believe that she would pull this shit. I did check the phone records. AT&T goes back to August of 2017 and I do not see any activity between them until 12/4/18.

Keep in mind you will get through this. Your actions taken will get you there a lot quicker than those who aren't as strong.

Might be a good idea to reassure your daughters as well.

I hope it turns out exactly like she's told you. Anything is possible. You'll know soon enough.

Take care

I've been trying to make sense of what happened at the xmas party, and this could be one explanation (pure speculation):

Your WW, for some reason, decided to have an affair and was pursuing the OM. She told him that you were abusive and her newly found idiot-toy-boy believed her. She fed him a BS story and he swallowed it hook, sinker and line. She had everything planned, making sure all texts are deleted and his phone number was under a woman's name. The guy is a contractual and would go back to another country soon, so all good.

When you said you wanted to go to the Christmas party and she got worried that idiot-toy-boy would be protective of her. When he saw the "abusive husband" at the party he was very angry. Normally OM either would have avoided the party or played it cool/innocent.

You sent him an angry text and beat him up, a confirmation of what he's been told.

You later called him from your wife's phone and he was worried that she was not ok.

If you recover the phone texts, you might be able to see if it goes towards that or not; hopefully not.

Good thinking on getting the phone back asap.

The more info you have now is better as once her head stops spinning she may leave panic mode and into self defense, blame shift or sorry for my mistake mode. Brace yourself for a lot of truth, people don't throw up all night over a hand holding and and some groping.

Did the BIL let you know what the SIL found out as to the extent of her affair?

Hang in there and keep strong.

How are the kids handling this. Obviously best to keep them out of the fray. But your WW will need to talk to them eventually.

I just want to second Marz’ sentiment in his last post. Spot on. Good luck.

She told my SIL pretty much the same story that she told me. It just seems like this thing progressed pretty fast in a week and a half. It was definitely what I would consider a PA. Why the fuck would she even agree to go to lunch with this guy alone?

What I read is that these two knew each other through texting and possible emails about business. One little text led to another, some got kind of flirty, somebody flirted back, the next thing you know there’s a full-fledged emotional affair online. So the affair was ongoing before it ever became physical. That’s the reason it happened so fast once he got into town. They were both primed and ready.

If they were using company phones and computers you would not find anything on the phone anyway until he got to town. Things don’t blow up that fast unless somebody already knows somebody.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:22 PM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Running Fonelab recovery software will recover deleted texts, pics, and vids + a whole lot more, including cheater app stuff, browser history, notes, and more.

I suggest you do your own investigating in addition to what you paid for.

She told my SIL pretty much the same story that she told me. It just seems like this thing progressed pretty fast in a week and a half. It was definitely what I would consider a PA. Why the fuck would she even agree to go to lunch with this guy alone?

Because she's not as innocent as she wants you to believe, she DECIDED to have a PA with POSOM, she hid the relationship from you, was "smart" enough to delete the texts as soon as they were sent/received, she willingly tried to keep you away from the party so she could have a great time with OM (and possibly sneak out of the party). She simply CHOSE to have an A with this guy she just met a few days ago, speaks volumes as to her boundaries and state of mind.

Have you tried to get some more info from her BEFORE you recover the texts on Monday? According to her their relationship was just 11 days so she could produce a timeline of the A pretty quickly, CHEATERS only admit to what you can prove but she may not be able to remember all of the texts and may say things that are not in there or hope that you won't be able to recover all of them and keep lying and/or minimizing. BIL will tell your SIL that you indeed go to have the texts recovered and will relay the info to your WW, this may make her confess to more details of the A.