Missing
You need to understand some stuff about reconciliation.
Just in case it ever comes to that because I don’t think she understands anything about it.
If your wife came back and said something like “OK – I’m willing to give this marriage one more try, but you have to do this and that and change this and that and we will never talk about what happened” then it’s doomed to fail.
If she came back and you two went all-out at making things better you two might have a great marriage for some time, but she couldn’t ever say “I’m so glad I had the affair. It made us realize what we have”. That “great” marriage would be based on false premises.
I think the best comparison is this:
Imagine you live an unhealthy life. You eat unhealthy. You don’t exercise. You wake up late, drink a gallon of coffee, shave in the car as you commute to work. You shout at other drivers, cut corners and are always late. Your job is stressful and you are behind. For lunch, it’s a hamburger and shake and the 18th cigarette of the day. On the way home, you stop for some fried chicken and your daily six-pack of Coors. Once home you crash in front of TV eating your chicken, drinking your beer (and an occasional shot) and ignoring your bills.
One day you feel this pain spreading from your left arm to your chest. Next thing you know it’s a week later and you are recovering from a major cardiac arrest at the local ER. A doctor is telling you that if you carry on the way you have then you won’t make the inevitable next attack.
So… You decide to make changes. You read up on healthy diets. You even contact a nutritionist to help you along. You get a membership card at a local gym. You get running shoes. You cut back on the coffee. You decide to stop smoking…
All these things are DECISSIONS. They are the first steps in actions. But they are only decisions. Those go-faster shoes don’t burn any calories in the cupboard. That membership card does no good squirreled away in your wallet. Those healthy menus are no good if you only read them.
You ACT. You start making the changes and implementing them. Some are tough and there might be relapses. Like you might start smoking every couple of months… Or you might not feel like making your daily three-mile morning run. But you stick to it. Despite relapses then the positives kick in.
Five years from that day you nearly died you are feeling better than ever before. You are living healthy, are fit, in great physical shape, handle stress, happier at work than ever before. It would have cost you though. It cost you membership fees, paying a personal trainer, a nutritionist, vitamins, health-supplements and time. IMMENSE time and effort.
At that point you might look back but you would NEVER EVER say “Thank God I started smoking back in the days. That was a major contributor to my cardiac arrest and that was the catalyst that made me change my life”.
You would realize the damage these things did to you and the hard work needed to make things right. You would look back at your past life with regret, knowing that you could be in your present condition without ever having reached that low.
It’s the same with reconciliation and marriage after infidelity. You can have the best marriage in the world without ever experiencing infidelity. You could have done the work before it reached that stage. If both partners are clearly and conscientiously working at bettering themselves and bettering the marriage the chances of infidelity are minimal. Once the marriage reaches the low of infidelity you can commit to reconciliation – just like that fat, stressed, unhealthy you went from burgers and the couch to a healthier place. It’s HARD WORK and takes TIME and it costs RESOURCES.
Right now your wife is in control of the next steps. Even IF she comes and offers R it won’t be on the correct terms. To use the health-scare comparison again: It’s like your left foot and your right foot are not running together on that daily three mile run.
I can’t stress hard enough Missing the importance of YOU taking control. To me the below is your best bet for getting her into reconciliation OR for you to get conclusion to your situation:
“There is only one thing that I fear more than divorcing you. I would do nearly anything to make this marriage work. The ONLY THING I refuse is to SHARE YOU. That is what I fear the most. I am getting out of infidelity. If that is through divorce then so be it. I am at peace with that decision. You have a small window of opportunity where I might be willing to work on our marriage, but I am STILL keeping my momentum to get out of infidelity”.
BTW – the money issue…
It’s only justification. It’s human nature to justify our actions, no matter how bad or stupid they are. For her it’s easier to say “Well… WHB was a financial loser and a burden on me and only with me for the money” rather than “Well… We made joint decisions that caused an inequality in income and me cheating financially impacted WHB situation.”
