SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok so now that I have to time to post here's the update.

Today was day 3 of NC.

I did break down and call ex just to ask her about this pregnancy thing.

I know I shouldn't have but w.e I did it.

She didnt answer. It went straight to vmail, I didnt leave one. Not sure if its bc her phone was dead or she blocked me. I wouldnt be surprised if its bc she blocked me. She has made it clear from day 1 pretty much that she wants OM.

So I guess technically even tho I broke down and called I still didnt break NC right? So I can just keep trucking along with it.

Anyway let me back up a little bit to sunday.

Sunday is when I originally met with OBS bc she had been texting me on Saturday after she got out of the hospital and I wanted to confirm it was really OBS bc I knew what she looked like, she was more than happy to meet. So we did. We sat and talked about this whole thing for a few hours. I didnt have the phone at this meeting. Anyway this is when OBS had relayed that OM is a control freak and very good at manipulating situations and he had done this with his 1st wife. Appearently he has a thing for young and "wounded" girls that he can charm and throw money at and build control over their lives. He was in MC with 1st wife while setting up his life with current OBS and when he knew OBS was 100% going to be with him he left 1st wife. Now I did not ask OBS if she knew all of that and knew that he was planning and waiting to see what she would do before leaving his 1st wife but OBS did say that she did not find out until later in their relationship/marriage that he was in MC at the beginning of dating her.

OBS seemed to be implying that my ex is the new her. That hes going to act like hes smoothing it over with OBS or going to MC while waiting to see if my ex will 100% be with him and then he'll dump OBS like he did his 1st wife.

Anyway on Monday OBS received phone and said OM would not know she had it.

A few hours later she txtd and said OM had got a hold of it and deleted everything. I dont know if he found it in a hiding spot, or saw her with it and grabbed it from her. OBS asked for copies of what was on it. However another few hours later she said nvm she was able to recover the messages. This whole exchange was really odd to me. And I hate to sound paranoid and I know some other posters have told me to stop saying I'm paranoid given the circumstances everything is in question but after this happened I really questioned if OBS was in on this? Even though I confirmed it's really his wife. I mean they could be swingers, or they could just be using my ex as a 3rd, or w.e

Some married people do this. And given what my ex is into that's the circles shes going to run in.

If OBS is in on it why would she bother pretending to be hurt and want the phone?

Theres only 2 reasons I can think of...

1. To get the phone and keep this whole thing under wraps from other female employees at OM's business. Because ex was recently promoted and the other females in the company could sue if they wanted too if they knew my ex was sleeping with the boss.

2. To try and lure me into some crazy ass scheme where she files divorce and he can sue me for AOA and then in the end she never goes thru with the divorce.

Or it could be a combination of both.

Both involve money and we all know money its a big motivator.

Both of these still seem so far fetched to me at the moment I'm assuming OBS is legit and not in on this. And I would also feel even more hurt and betrayal were it to come out she is in fact part of my ex's affair.

So anyway yesterday was pretty quiet.

Then today the baby stuff started. OBS was concerned about ex's and OM's most recent get together as appearently she found out they wernt using condoms and my ex was not on birth control.

Its been about a month since me and ex had sex....

And last confirmed time for her and OM is 2 weeks ago....

So if she is prego then it could go either way.

Heres the thing though, if she is pregnant what rights do I have? Because my gut feeling is that XWGF will not tell me she is, will not have a paternity test done, and will not have the baby. Basically she'll go and silently get an abortion and I'll never know.

If that's how its gonna go is there anything I can do? Do I have any rights?

I know this whole situation is messed up but if theres a baby that's coming and its mine I want it to live, I'd want my son or daughter to be here, and I'd want to be the best father in the world to my child regardless of w.e XWGF does with her life or who she is. Yes it would he a shame that I had a kid with such a twisted woman but that doesn't mean I'd just want my child discarded like garbage. Do I have any rights though?

Do I have any rights though?

No, you do not have any rights to what your WXGF does with her body and anything growing inside of it. If she chooses to have an abortion, that is her right.

I would recommend that you google this reddit thread entitled "I got a girl pregnant and she wanted to get an abortion but I didn't want that. She ended up not getting one but now she is not involved at all."

Would you really want to have a child with someone that didn't wanr it? Or would you want to have a child that kept you tied to your WXGF for the next 18 years if she did?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 10:43 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

As far as rights, not really, but that's what marriage is for, for the rights that partners have.

You didn't want to get married so you don't have any rights at all to anything. Hence the words "LEGITIMATE" & "ILLEGITIMATE".

Next time, if you want legal rights, "put a ring on it!"

[This message edited by skerzoid at 11:01 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Even if he "put a ring on it" I believe that most women in most states can get an abortion without their husbands consent.

Cut off your ex and the OBS. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to interact with them.

Yes as far as abortion, this is correct (for now). However, things such as child support, alimony, inheritance, splitting property, etc. are governed by law.

But she owes him NO visitation rights if they are not married. For instance, she can keep HER son away from him even though he is the only father the child has known.

Cut off your ex and the OBS. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to interact with them.

Exactly.

Why do you keep on torturing yourself with this?

No, you have no rights to any potential baby. Especially no say in an abortion but likely none if she does have a kid. She can easily pass it off as OM's and cut you out entirely.

Honestly, her not involving you is the best possible outcome. You're not thinking clearly right now - and that's understandable - because you're grasping on to a small silver lining in the middle of a shit storm. A child does not and should not be involved in this. And you will have difficulty moving on from her if you have to see her repeatedly. And you would have to watch her be happy with OM or the next ill fated guy she hooks up with while you pine for her. BE GRATEFUL if there is no child or if there is that the OM is right there to step up and claim it because in 5 years, you will look back and be so thankful that you are living your best life without her baggage in the picture.

If she has a baby, and it is yours, you will have very few rights, but she can file for child support.

My stbxww had an abortion late last year. We are still legally married, S for 16 months now, D any day now. I'm assuming she didn't know who's kid it was. Maybe it varies by state but we were married and she had one, put a ring on it doesn't hold true in my state. For your WGF, it is her body and her choice. I just want to say the moment I went NC and further away from her my mind cleared. Toxic people are hard to get away from but once you do, fucking amazing!

So update....

Good news and bad news and I guess good news again.

First good news is shes not pregnant. According to SO she just got off her period. So no baby.

Bad news is I've talked to her the past 2 nights.

The other good news in a sense I guess is that I can talk to her now without crying or being mad as hell. Just further numbness I suppose.

She seems to be in the same state.

The posters that said I know me ex better than anyone in an online forum are undoubtedly correct. And I know that she IS SORRY for what she did. Does that mean I just take her back? No. Does it mean I could ever? No.

The only thing that pisses me off at this point is that as we went down this fucked up path of betrayal and bullshit there were a thousand and one turns to get off of it, but somehow everything in the universe kept lining up just right to send mine and her relationship careening off the cliff of death.

Any way I guess the point I'm trying to make right now as I'm rambling is that I know shes sorry, and a part of me would LOVE to see that remorse, it would be comforting, as weird as that is, to see it. But, and I'm not making excuses for her, but her family has her convinced that showing no emotion and being a brick wall that's numb to any and all things is how to handle this situation. Which sucks ass bc shes very much not her own person right now and just doing what family tells her to do. But I know if she wernt so afraid, so ashamed, so broken, so guilt ridden and paralyzed by her own thoughts I would be getting what I needed. I would have gotten it long before we ever got to this point. Her family didnt make her cheat, but they sure as hell have made it impossible to R with the way they manipulated this whole thing after the fact.

I guess they didnt like me and I never knew it. They dont like what she did, but they dont like me to the point they have used this whole thing as a catalyst to separate us for good. They made damn sure R didnt happen. So kudos to them.

If (and I mean IF) her family kept you from R you should be thanking them EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!

Also, what part of NO CONTACT do you not understand?

Latenight there are some people in life who just HAVE to learn the hard way and you are one of them.

At some point you WILL get back together with this psycho. This you can count on.

Calling this a soap opera would be kind.

Man booyah you don't know that.

Theres no plan to get back together.

I'm trying to deal with this whole thing best I can. Cant talk to my family, dont want to talk to my friends, came online and ended up getting ridiculed, now I feel like every letter I type is under a fucking microscope.

Like I'm fucking trying here. It doesn't help that the one person in my life that I went to for help and guidance and to vent and get things off my chest ended up being the one that stabbed me in the heart ok? I'm fucking trying.

Latenight

Try to see what booyah and others are saying in a more objective manner. They are not saying these harsh thing to you to hurt you. It’s more of a Been there, done that kind of thing. They’re trying to prevent you from being hurt even further.

I do get it. I was in a similar relationship back in my 20’s. I got all the sorries and it will never happen agains. I ended up wasting 6 years of my life until I had had enough.

Look, she is a grown woman. All of her actions up to this point have been her choice. From the cheating, to the disrespect and being a brick to you. If she was truly sorry, she would be moving heaven and earth to prove that to you.

Please pay attention to her actions and ignore what she says. Perhaps you two may reconnect down the road and maybe you’ll go your separate ways. IMO you’re just pain shopping by staying in contact with her. Please reach out to someone IRL, don’t isolate yourself. This has nothing to do with you having some kind of deficiency in the relationship. Don’t be embarrassed to seek out help to deal with this trauma.

I am really rooting for you sir

Latenight I know this isn't easy.

That said if you truly want to get to a place that will bring you peace you need to hammer NO CONTACT into your head.

Every time you break it you're just pain shopping and it starts the healing process all over again.

I hope this resonates with you.

It doesn't help that the one person in my life that I went to for help and guidance and to vent and get things off my chest ended up being the one that stabbed me in the heart ok?

And that is why we are all telling you to stay away from her. It seems to me that we are watching out for you, but you are not watching out for you. If you allow a known abuser into your life, you are not a victim. You are the cause of your own pain.

Are you pursuing IC? No family, no friends, don't trust online = please get some rational support through IC asap! Help yourself.

P.S. Codependents believe their remedy is fixing their partner. This is what your illness is telling you. Sane people who are not a part of the dysfunctional partnership know that the remedy is getting away from the partner. Please get away from your abuser. Your torturer is not your remedy. Doing the drug doesn't help you quit the drug. Quit her. Sober up.

I imagine it is you who keeps contacting her? So very sad. This was me many years ago. I was so very emotionally ill like this.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 3:09 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

LN,

It's not that your being ridiculed. We are all people that have been through this situation in different forms before you. We are trying to help you through this shitstorm. NC is the best way to begin healing yourself. Every time you talk to her. There is still an emotional bond there. Though she dragged it through the mud, cut the cord, etc.. You still have strong feelings towards her. And she knows this. Our job here is to help you get out of infidelity. Some times its leaving a SO. Other times its staying and attempting R if both sides are up to the task and both put in the effort. You WGF is NOT R worthy. She has shown you what is important to you, and your not it. The best you can do is go NC. Feel your feelings. Acknowledge that the relationship failed. Look at how you grew as person in this relationship. See where you can improve yourself. Start living live for you. Remember you are the one that stayed true. You have your values. You have self respect for yourself. You will find someone one day. Til then, go live life for yourself now. Go on a vacation

. Spend some money on ..... you!

Let her be. She dug her grave, let her lay in it.

She is no longer your problem. Not your monkey, not your circus anymore.

I’m sorry you feel some posters are being harsh.

We are trying our best to support you. If she is an adult and she wanted to R she would make it happen. Her parents may be a roadblock but if she really wanted to Reconcile she would have done so already. However she needed to do it. She would make it happen.

Just my observation.

I get it I'm the problem here, my own worst enemy.

I really am trying but it's hard as hell. I'm having good hours and bad hours.

I contacted her one night, she contacted me the other.

She actually just called as I was typing this. To schedule getting the rest of her things out of the house.

I guess realistically NC cant be final until she gets all of her stuff.

1st wife, I noticed your signature says you survived 2 affairs and reconciled.

If that's the case then why cant I be hopeful that she realizes what shes done, who's she become and changes. Wholeheartedly. And we could R one day. Just asking??

[This message edited by LateNght at 7:18 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

To keep NC, you pack her stuff and have it ready for her to pick up outside your door when she plans on picking it up. Or have it placed in your garage so she doesn't have to come inside.