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I feel for all of us in the oc club. I tried to make it work for an entire year. I found out about the oc in July 2004. My h (we are now divorced)wanted to stay in the marriage. we went to ic and mc. we were communicating and i though building our marriage into a stronger union. my h got visitation of his son. i welcomed him into my life, home, and family. i grew to love him. it was very hard, but i thought it was worth it.

the fact that my h had to have contact with the ow because of the oc, was what led to my marriage ending. my h would not give up his relationship with the ow. he fooled me completely. he lied and deceived me for an entire year.

when i found out about the a still taking place, my marriage was over. it has been 10 months. i am now divorced. my ex and i for the most part have remained friendly. he lives with the ow and oc. he is getting married in september. my kids have been dealing with this shock. but, i am at peace. i feel healthier and happier. i am less stressed.

i am fortunate to have a great guy in my life. i know now that my years to come will be better than the years before. but, i still hurt over the pain of allowing the oc into my heart. i miss him. i do get to see him when we drop off and pick up my kids. but, its not the same.

these women who have oc's are by far the most selfish woman alive. they only are thinking about themselves. the do not care what families they break apart. i just hope that all of these oc's grow up feeling loved and wanted.

it is so hard.

beetrayed you remind me so of an old poster lol that i loved to death.

Yeah your last paragraph is the damn truth.

I love the way some ow with oc CLAIM its all about thier kid and whats best for it. SO WHAT your kid your problem, you choose to have a child that was going to be ignored by the MM for the most part because its not a child of the marriage. No your bastard is not entitled to everything the wanted children are. The OW is going to have to explain that to her "poor" child when it gets older because it was her choice.

As I've said in other posts, if I had to deal with the subject of an OW/OC in "real time" rather than just a "time warp" as another BW described my situation, I couldn't do it.I'd be getting a divorce.

The subject is just too painful. My hat is off to all of you who are dealing with this present day nightmare.

Phoebe--your statement is SOO true. In our case, OW tried to argue in court that her OC is entitled to the same standard of living as my kids. There is quite a bit of case law in NY that says otherwise, the needs of that child cannot be based upon what the children from a marriage get.

Definately OWs are most selfish of people. In a long session with my IC yesterday, we discussed how I refuse to say or hear the OW's name, as I refuse to humanize her. I feel like in order to make her human, I need to either find a good reason for the mistake she made, or find some good qualities in her. I CANNOT FIND EITHER!! I run through every scenario in my head of what happened over the past year, and there is not a single instance that I would have acted/reacted in the ways that she did. FIRST OF ALL-sleeping with another woman's husband!! Everything after that is just dumb, selfish or vindictive.

I'm well over the fact there is an OC in our life, and if and when the time comes, we may make him some part of our life-without OW. However, I will NEVER allow her into my life. I think that is why visitation, etc cannot work when the OC is young. H's made a big mistake, and many of us here are willing to forgive that mistake, which is why we are on this thread for the most part. However, what they do going forward is the key to R'ing and making the situation work. Family and wives have to come first, even if it is difficult for H--they made the mistake, they need to make amends, and that may mean some sacrifice on their part.

Am I making sense? I am trying to make sense of it all, or at least justify my feelings.

((((((((((hugs to us all--it takes a strong woman to live through this))))))))))

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 8:20 AM, April 25th (Tuesday)]

onlyWife--good for you to try and do what is best--you are so strong. But more so for making your best effort, seeing that it wouldn't work and getting out. That takes a huge amount of courage and strength. You are a better person for it.

In our case, OW tried to argue in court that her OC is entitled to the same standard of living as my kids. There is quite a bit of case law in NY that says otherwise, the needs of that child cannot be based upon what the children from a marriage get.

Unfortunately, a lot of OW's think that all the kids will be treated equal and that's not the case. If the H stays with his wife and children, he of course will spend more time with those kids than with the OC. The OW should have thought about this before having the OC, no matter how much she was led to believe they would be together. One piece of advice I always remember is that a woman should always be prepared to raise a child on her own because men leave.

So, when the OW is seething because the MM is going on vacation with his family and she can't even afford to go out, she should think about the choices she made. Maybe she should have had a child born in wedlock to receive all of the benefits she thinks she deserves instead of having an OC with someone who has responsibility for a family already.

I'm sure if the positions were changed the OW would feel the same way. They only feel this way because they are in the situation themselves.

thanks two kids. I did try my hardest to make it work with my ex and oc. i wanted nothing more than to be a family. now that i know that i did try, it was easy to leave with no regrets.

i wish you all well.

You know what--I followed all the rules, went to school, got a job, dated, dated seriously, got married, saved for a house, planned to live where the schools were good, saved money to stay at home while the kids were little, etc., etc....

Then bam--some really dumb decisions by my H, piled on top of depression and mid-life crisis--and all my plans for happy and easy life go out the window. Instead, instant mid-life crisis for me, and having to reconsider everything I thought sacred and good having to be re-evaluated.

These dumb OCs think they can take the easy way out...sex with a man who already has the means (so they think!!), a ready made family and an ex-wife to blame all THEIR problems on.

Well--for those of us that stay with our WHs amd make it work---who REALLY suffers at the very end of the day?

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 3:13 PM, April 25th (Tuesday)]

2kidsmommy:

Amen to your last post! I feel the same way. Life was good, then suddenly it wasn't.

One of the first things I did in trying to cope with this tragic turn of events in my life was to give the OW/OC monikers. I just wanted to throw up whenever I heard their names, and some of my worst teaching days are when I have a kid named "blank" that I have to deal with for repeated classroom infractions. Talk about triggers!

We call them Sperm Child and the Lesbian Deceiver; LD and SiC for short. Kind of sounds like a "B" rated movie; if the shoe fits....

BeeTrayed-

I have started to call OW GDB - for golddigging bitch!!

Yours are more creative. I don't feel any ill will to the child-he is too young anyways.

Will PM you later...

To all you women out there that have managed to keep your marriage together - how do you deal with the constant reminder of the lies and mistrust that created that other child???? Maybe its different if it was a fling but what if the OW and your H had somewhat of a relationship? What if they work together?

My husband confessed to having an affair after being pressured (by me) to tell me what was wrong. The OC which is due late summer was an unbelievable shock.

We had a child in summer of 2002 and after that our relationship changed. We made no time for each other, we were both working crazy hours and trying to keep our family together. I never in a million years would have thought that my husband was capable of cheating - he was always devoted and loving. He shut me out when the baby was about a year old and when asked what was wrong he assured me that it was his problem and he would work it out. That he loved me and our child and our family and that he would work it out. I let it go, stupidly. I regret every day that I didn't push harder. I just thought that we were going through the typical new baby situation, both tired and just taking it day to day - thought it was just a rough patch as every marriage has.

The affair didn't last very long but recently I found out that while we are separated and he claims he wants his family back he is still seeing her. She has feelings for him and he has feelings for her but he can't quite define them. I want to believe him but she is still in the picture and will always be in our lives with this child to be born.

I thought my husband was a good person. Everyone who knows him, friends, family, we are all shocked that he would do this. When he tells me he wants to come home I am torn between my thought that he is just trying to "do the right thing" and thinking about what my future would hold with another child around and this OW always in the picture.

My first concern is for my own child and though I know the OC will be innocent to all of this I can't see wanting to even acknowledge that baby. For my husband and I, if we were to reconcile, I only see a life of constant sadness and mistrust.

I loved my husband more than the world. I did everything the right way, I am college, educated, lived independently, have a great career, a beautiful child, two Golden Retrievers and a beautiful home. I guess people's marriages are never what they seem. I married my best friend at the age of 37. I am not a young girl with an impressionable image of the "perfect" family. I know no marriage is perfect and it's work. My husband, well I thought he felt the same way. Neither he or his 30 year old OW thought to use protection - don't they teach this in high school?

I think anyone that can deal with this on a daily basis and maintain a healthy mental state is an amazingly strong woman. I wish all of you the best and give you so much credit. As much as I love my husband and want to belive him I just can't.

My heart is broken and there are not enough "sorry's" in the world to make up for this. I wish I could deal, I just can't.

twokids and Bee,

I understand and agree 100% with what you both say. They are golddiggers and I'm sorry but I don't buy into the "OC is an innocent child" bull$hit. The OC is VICTIM just like each of us. No special consideration for being a child. Too bad.

The OC in our case is due in May and I'm starting to freak. I know that for some of you it was a non-event but for me it will just hit home that this whole nightmare is in fact my reality.

The topic of visitation and CS has not come up again w/ us. My H is an avoider. If we don't talk about something his guilt stays below the surface...such crap. It's going to slap us in the face. I thought I could handle being tough w/ OW and having H demand joint custody (to torment her only) but I find that more and more I want her to be completely alone and suffer...she'll be the one to get up 5 times a night when the kid is sick, she'll be the one to schlep him to and from daycare, school, playgroup, activities, she'll be the one to have to make all the decisions regarding him and question whether she's making the right ones, she'll have to have all those difficult conversations with him, she'll have to attend every parent teacher conference, sports activity, play, Christmas pagent, birthday party and holiday ALONE knowing all the time that my H is going w/ me to every OB appointment, prenatal test, birthing class, etc. That he'll be my coach during labor and take time off for ME and MY CHILD while she'll have to get her mother or drunk father to stand in for her.

I sound like a vindictive evil person and I'm far from it. I'd give you the clothes off my back if you needed it but my heart is hardened to stone when it comes to her and her illegitimate brat. As far as I'm concerned, H was the sperm donor only and WILL NOT be a daddy to her kid. If he wants to, then he loses everything else in his life. There is no room in marriage for her or her child.

She is the most selfish person I know and I'm convinced she HAS to be related to each of your OW as well b/c they're all cut from the same cloth.

Thanks all for listing to me vent. I feel much better. PM me anytime...I enjoy talking to all of you.

BW

[This message edited by BetrayedWife at 6:10 PM, April 25th (Tuesday)]

I agree the OW is an evil bitch but my husband is just as evil. He is the one that made a commitment and everyday lied to me when he said he loved me and continued to be with the OW. Now they've created a child.

I think the two of them are despicable and incredibly stupid. They are supposed to be responsible adults. What a load of crap.

She is guily but he's even more so.

Good for you for all you women who can forgive. My husband also is an avoider and I had to pull the information out of him. I don't trust a think he says now and he was someone I never thought was capable of any of this.

He has continued to lie to me and has continued to see the OW. She claims she doesn't want anything from him - maybe her intent was to break up our marriage.

I keep coming back to what HE was telling HER. This is the part I don't know. Maybe he was telling her that he was unhappy, maybe he is continuing to feed her a load of lies as he is to me and she's believing it.

I feel bad for the OC as it will have the both of them for parents and will have to live with that for a lifetime

Interesting comment from BetrayedWife and thatslife that your husbands are avoiders, so is MINE! He buried all his worries, anxieties and anger until it imploded inward on him, he became severely depressed and then acted out.

thatslife--I was able to forgive because of the guilt and sorry my H had, and what he has done since. He knows very well that he will be judged from this day forward, and that trust will be a very long time in coming. H has to be committed to you and making it work, and be completely honest. If not, you can't make it work. Keep in mind though, as tough as it is, it may take a bit of time for him to break it off completely. At the very first my H kept his conversations with her secret, and it was very rocky. But he came around when he realized that he would loose me if he was not completely and totally honest. But that did take a bit of time. I am not advising that you stay, but I found it was a process, it wasn't fixed in a day, nor a year--but as long as it keeps moving the right way, perhaps its worth it. Its up to you to call it quits, not him, and it is up to him to make it work. I wish you hugs and strength as you go through this.

We all have choices, and unfortunately we don't always make the right ones. Our choices going forward are the only ones we can control, using the wisdom we have learned from the past. That's my philosophical message for the day!

thatslife, I second what you said. Who knows exactly what bs my H is feeding the OW. Probably has her believing that he will live with her and raise the child. I wonder what excuse he's given for being home with us and not with her.

But you are right, my H is just as evil. No matter what her reasons are for having a kid, I think that he should be truthful in telling her how much he intends to help her. She should be able to make decision based on the truth instead of a whole bunch of lies. But if he does tell her the truth and she still doesn't want to believe it, then that's her fault.

If the OW was really serious about doing it on her own, she wouldn't call constantly with a laundry list of complaints. IMHO, if an OW believes the lies they were once a party to, then that's their shame to live with. And even though the OC is innocent, I can't really feel sorry for it. If you can't afford a child, then don't have one. Even if my H would have stayed with her, he still would not have been able to help financially like that. As long as my children are taken care of, I don't care.

I know that I don't trust anything that my H says. I prefer to live in reality instead of a fantasy world like OW.

twokids, Thats and Scorpio:

Interesting to me is that my H DIDN'T tell OW anything. He told me, and I believe him, that 1) I was off limits and he wouldn't talk about me or our marriage; 2) he had no plans to leave me for her; and 3) her having a baby did not change the situation.

I think the second two were a slap in the face to her when she realized she was pregnant. I'm sorry but I was on the Pill for 18 years and never got pregnant. She was supposedly on it, the condom broke (I didn't even realize that HAPPENED much anymore) and she got knocked up.

OK REALITY CHECK - she went OFF the Pill ON PURPOSE, to get pregnant in the hopes the H would leave me for her! DUH! How stupid are our H's to believe the pack of lies they are fed? Does their brain shut off when they cheat? What happens to common sense?

Does my H love me and regret his actions? Yes. Does he have any idea of the impact the OC will have on our life. Nope, not a clue until it happens. If he wants to play Daddy to her brat then the consequence, b/c every action has one, is that he is going to have to tell MY family and his about the situation. This is my ace up my sleeve...thoughts?

BW

When IL's found out about my pregnancy, his sister told him to have a vasectomy. MIL told him to use protection with OW. He spoke to me about having a vasectomy done when he had the money and the fact that he didn't want another child after this. When he told me that OW was pregnant, I asked him why he didn't use protection if he didn't want another child. He told me that in order to be with her he couldn't use protection. How stupid is that?

I don't think they realize the consequences until they have OW calling them constantly complaining and requesting things. Then they have to wonder what happened to the OW that said she could do it on her own. That's when they finally see that they are stuck with the consequences of their mistake. They can either choose to pay child support and move on with their lives or be like my H and listen to the bs for years.

H didn't tell his mother for a while until I told him that he should. I don't think his family took it too well. I certainly don't discuss it with MIL when she calls. I know that she's planning on coming here for a visit once I give birth. I don't know what she will do for the OC.

I think there will always be some shame if H admits to having an OC that is the same age is our child. None of his friends down here know what's going on and he will probably keep that hidden.

I see my H following in his father's footsteps and MIL is probably afraid of that also. He and his siblings are from an A MIL had with his father. His father was having children with MIL at the same time as another woman and his wife. H has half-siblings that he has never met. What a situation!

To Betrayed -

I'm glad your husband is remorseful as he should be. If he truly told the OW that there was no future and she trapped him anyway - there is still no way he is not somewhat responsible for what happened.

I will in no way give my husband any slack. No women is that irresistable. My reality check is that he chose to cheat because something was either missing in our relationship or he needed some validation that he was a man. Men are weak, I learned this. He was unhappy and he should have come to ME not make the choice to be with someone else. I take no responsibility for the cheating - don't get me wrong. I DO take responsibility for not paying attention to the signs that were so obvious to me that I chose to ignore. I wonder if it's worth it to fight for someone who would ever treat me this way. I do love him as ridiculous at this sounds but I can't get past the fact that he made these irresponsible choices.

I can't believe that the thought of me or his daughter, who the other women has met by the way, ever crossed his mind.

I think the OW is a selfish, irresponsible person but there is no way that she is the sole reason my husband has cheated - there are so many other reasons and this is what I am struggling with as I try to get answers.

I hope the wrath of your family is enough to keep him in check. My husband has become a meek individual around my family and has even attacked my mother verbally when she confronted him about our situation.

Your family and friends are the best support out there, accept their help and confide in them - they will help you through this and maybe give you some very honest, maybe hurtful advice. They will keep your perspective even when you can't.

This is just my perspective on my situation. I know this happens more often than any of us are aware and it sounds like your husband is committed to you and your future. The fact that he is working on it speaks volumes.

thatslife-you are absolutely right about H being responsible for what happened--I agree completely! Same with not recognizing signs. I suspected but didn't want to beleive it. My H flat out denied it when I asked him! It took the OW getting pregnant to make H stand up and finally admit he was in trouble. Beleive me, I don't find my H blameless, just forgiven. He has a long, long way to go before I will trust him again, and he knows that.

I stayed and gave my H a second chance because of words I said to my H, right when he was in the middle of his A and was considering leaving, not for her, but because he was so unhappy. I asked him if he would give up on one of our kids at the age of 16 because they screwed up bigtime, or would he give them another chance to fix things and move on. When I found out about A and OC, I needed to give him that chance, we had been together 16 years. I think my gut was right, only time will tell. So far, so good...

As to family knowing, we have a few limited friends that know about what has happened, and this group here. It is enough to keep us in check and provide us strength when we need it. To tell either of our folks would cause more harm than good at this point, but that is another story.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 9:03 PM, April 25th (Tuesday)]

thank you, thank you thank you!!!!! oh my god i can't thank you guys enough for makin gme see i'm not alone. hugs to everyone i pray for you guys eveynight.i wish you all the very best. may you all have wonderful, beautiful lives b/c this not over. you are all beautiful strong women and i just have to believe that when you find the time to put yor pain out there to help others that the universe returns it back with the same positive energy it was sent.don't give up guys.