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I agree with the divorce piece and that i need to tell her about the journal. I mentioned that the entries keep going through my head and she offered to sit down with me and explain every single one if that would help. I think I will take her up on that. It will clear up her thought process.

MC seems good. Hard to tell after one meeting. We both described our marriage prior to A as happy, supportive, understanding, so he was kinda incredulous. That's what makes this hard to understand for me. We were happy!

Her telling him she wanted NC besides strictly work related things pissed him off a bit and he has been very curt with her.

Desert,

In "HR Speak" this is called changing her working conditions where she is being treated adversely because she will no longer participate in the affair with her supervisor.

Your attorney can frame the issue that you and your wife fear that her supervisor will take workplace reprisal against her for refusing to continue the affair.

he has been very curt with her

You mean he isn't the best thing since slice bread anymore? He was only nice when she was putting out, imagine that! The rainbow is turning into LA smog?

She needs to see that she traded her integrity and identity to the traveling salesman at the door for a compliment or two. Because of her WHY's and brokeness inside and the need to have someone else provide her happiness from the outside and not from within. And now is left holding the bill for a lifetime and has hurt the one who actually cared and loved her. This is what her CHOICE has done. And SHE HAS TO CHOOSE TO BECOME BETTER PERSON AND A SAFE PARTNER.

+1 What timelessloss said

[This message edited by sneaker at 9:25 AM, October 12th (Wednesday)]

Her telling him she wanted NC besides strictly work related things pissed him off a bit and he has been very curt with her. He's been traveling for work tge last few weeks and this week as well so it's giving us time for hr this week.

That is an unacceptable working condition.

Why is this OM pissed off, because he no longer gets free sex.

What happens when he no longer is traveling and is back there.

Have you contacted HR yet?

He's not happy that she doesn't want a relationship, I'm sure. No HR yet, again, we're meeting with some attorneys this week to hash out a letter. I will go out this week though.

He's not happy that she doesn't want a relationship, I'm sure.

He probably never wanted a relationship just the free sex without the strings. Plus the fact that she is choosing to repair her marriage hurts his ego that he built up fucking another guys wife. OMG his poor ego, but rest assured he will not play nice because he will shift and see her as a threat or trophy (convert back to him). This is what everyone here is saying HR needs to know because we see the writing on that wall. No one likes to be dumped with such an ego because it doesn't feel well so she will be a constant reminder of his insecurities he will try to convert her back to a wayward or run her out of the company. Rinse and repeat.

[This message edited by sneaker at 11:51 AM, October 12th (Wednesday)]

I get it and agree. It's not a good spot right now for her at work. We have heard back from 2 attorneys today so hopefully will have a meeting with one or both in the next few days and have the letter sent thereafter. Thanks again!

Desertmirage~

How are things going? I hope for the best for you two. These kind of situations are so involved/complicated. Praying

Blessings Friend!

This is an awful situation and I hope it gets resolved quickly for you. Best wishes. Take care.

He's not happy that she doesn't want a relationship,

That is beyond disgusting and beyond wrong for any working condition.

He is mad because a married woman got caught and broke it off. He sounds mentally off or someone is lying.

Either way, get a hold of HR NOW!

No more screwing around with this, this is your wife that is dealing with the OM. I think she should quit and consider a harassment suit, but then again, she caused this.

She also ended this and the OM doesnt like that.

Keep us updated since we all learn from others experiences.

Hey guys, thanks for the kind words. We spoke with one attorney and have a meeting on Tuesday next week with another. The first one said that based on the circumstances, there is no harassment case and that she has one more month for it to still be considered good faith when she tells HR. He recommended to wait a bit to see if there is any blowback from OM as that would constitute harassment and protect her from getting fired (he seemed to think that there was a decent chance the company just fires both of them). If towards the end of that month nothing has happened she needs to tell regardless, but at least there was a shot at protecting her job.

I'm doing alright. I am starting to have random mind movies and it's very distracting/distressing. I am working on envisioning the big stop sign and whatnot but the damage seems to have been done as soon as the movies start. My triggers are weird, just being at a bar with her or whatever and just thinking about her going home with him instead of calling me for a ride home after she got too drunk, etc.

Some days I just want to end it all with her and move on, and then others, I can't bear the thought of not being with her. It will be interesting, I guess, to see which ultimately wins out.

I just can't come to terms with the fact that someone I cared so deeply for (I think overly evident in how fucked up I am right now) could have such disregard for me and our marriage. It's very sobering, and is making me think twice about what "WE" were in the first place and other warning signs of her being a selfish bitch.

This is all on top of her doing everything correctly. She's reading lots of books and educating herself on next steps and what damage she has done. She has been extremely supportive of me and has been completely open with me about anything I want to know. Some of the burning questions, I haven't asked (was he better, funnier, sex, etc). I don't think I want to think about the answers.

Rambling, sorry. Thanks again for the kind thoughts and followups. You guys have been a godsend. I would be a bigger mess without you all.

EDIT: As a side note, is there a way to get email notifications of responses to posts and whatnot? I didn't see these yesterday and my thread got buried quick. I know on many other forums these features exist, but I haven't seen a setting for them here. Thanks!

[This message edited by desertmirage at 4:01 PM, October 18th (Tuesday)]

Good to hear your surviving. Mind movies sucking. Those questions are typical and show how your inner self wants to blame or find a problem with you. And there isn't any remember for them it was fantasy and devoid of reality.

EDIT: As a side note, is there a way to get email notifications of responses to posts and whatnot? I didn't see these yesterday and my thread got buried quick. I know on many other forums these features exist, but I haven't seen a setting for them here. Thanks!

There should be a check box with your email address if you want replies forwarded or not.

As for the lawyer, forget that. Lawyers cannot get paid for this, so you are wasting money.

If the OM continues to harass your wife, then file a law suit. I still think all you need to do is just talk to HR and go from there. It would be good if HR knows what happened and is currently happening.

Or maybe your wife should just quit this job.

Desert.

Would it really be bad if your wife was fired?

Let’s assume the affair is over – wouldn’t her not working at same place as OM remove all and any reason she might have to interact with him?

Not that I think that will happen. Not unless company has a clear and strict ethics code that clearly forbids what happened and clearly states both sides are equally liable.

Remember: The exposure to HR is neither about creating conditions so you can sue the company nor is it about revenge on the OM. It’s about making the affair known so that (a) if the affair is active it’s harder for them to keep it alive at work or (b) if your wife is true in it being over then exposure to HR is to PROTECT her and create conditions that might give your marriage a shot.

It was a free consultation. We found three good lawyers who aren't looking for a lawsuit. She isnt being harassed at work. He is jusy very curt with her and all business (which is what she told him it would only be). You can read that hes not thrilled. I do agree with the lawyer that if he does more than curt she is protected. She may need to leave her job ultimately, but here's hoping she doesnt have to.

The more I hear about this thing from her, the more it sounds like if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. I don't think there was much there besides him telling her she was pretty and smart and stuff. There is something wrong with her that she would be able to be seduced by this. The guy is a piece of shit. If some woman was trying to get with me, knowing I am married and being my boss, I wouldn't find that sexy and nice. It's not either. There is something wrong with my wife; in her head.

I agree with what you say about HR. If it doesn't protect her, then it defeats the purpose of telling them. I too am not convinced they would fire her, but that is definitely a possible outcome. If there was something akin to harassment, they can't fire her without risking a lawsuit. Neither of us is looking to sue them, but her getting fired isn't a good option financially. If she wanted to quit for a different job, that's on our terms.

This whole thing makes me sick. I get stuck with a divorce or a cheating spouse.

EDIT: I don't know what I want to do. This whole thing sucks so much. I don't see there being a fix to this.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 6:30 PM, October 18th (Tuesday)]

She should probably be looking for another job regardless. Even the ideal circumstance where A is totally done and interaction between them is strictly business, you'll drive yourself nuts thinking about them as long as she still works there.

I'm not sure I care anymore.

If you want R to be real and have a chance, you should care.

Mouthkeptshut is correct.

I'm a hard liner on NC and she ought not be working in the same building with him anymore.

I never found much peace until my WW's work contact with OM completely ceased. He left before she found another job.

I wish I'd demanded she quit months before that.

NC isn't real NC if they still work together.

Ah, the roller coaster of emotions. One minute/day you want everything to be about saving the marriage or rug sweep the details or issues. The next minute/day you could care less if you saw her again.

Make sure you are identifying these emotions and know when you are up and down. It will eventually help you clear your mind and make sound decisions.

And yes, the AP could have been anyone.. He had low morals and boundaries and said the right things. He is scum.

This is a big shit sandwich to eat, take little bites.

For us to help could you give us a little bit of what your wayward wife has been doing since you started posting to become better? Open to questions, open passwords, reading books, IC, sharing any communications with AP at work, or what is she talking about? How is she portraying her view of the AP is he scum to her or still cool dude etc..? Are you still suffering trickle truth?

Pick your head up your the prize!

The sex wasn't better, there was no real emotion or connection it was betrayal and disgusting. He is not better looking just some dude who only had to put his best foot forward. He was not funnier because there was no expectation of reality he could say whatever he wanted and if it was stupid he could shrug it off. He was just a tool she used to fulfill her void of self esteem and self image. Outside validation and affirmations.

There are no short cuts in R, it is 3 to 5 years with each side 100% in and working. Affairs and lies kill most marriages. R is the hardest thing you guys will do but can be the most rewarding if both sides are involved 100%.

[This message edited by sneaker at 9:52 AM, October 19th (Wednesday)]