SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To respond to a few of the recent posts - my two cents--which I am good at.

My H didn't tell OW much either--she elaborated it into this whole "he's leaving his wife...." You can guess the rest. I wonder if she had her china pattern picked out yet (meow!!) Anyways, for H it was just sex, I am fairly convinced of that. I'm not sure A is even the right term, it was a short series of ONS-just with the same stupid bitch. He broke it off several months before she told him she was preggers and said right off the bat he wanted nothing to do with the child--no contact.

Reality is, there has to be some kind of contact if the bitch wants child support. But on our terms, not hers. She is not allowed to call. Correspondence through a PO Box that will be checked occasionally. Don't expect an answer tomorrow just because you want one. No conversations on school, daycare, activities, poopy diapers, etc., etc. You wanted the baby--you deal with it. No telling the kid who his father is unless H gives permission. However, OW must give info on where and who she lives with, and H can request medical and educational records direct from the providers. H has a right to this, does not need permission from OW.

It is not fun, believe me---I hate that we have had to go through this, and hate that we will have this constant reminder in our lives. But, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that we can get through it, and live a different, but just fine life. As I always say, alot it up to the WH and what they are going to make a priority. And that is day-to-day for the rest of their lives.

For me it all boiled down to my kids. As their parents we needed to do what was right for them. I didn't stay with my H only because of them, I stayed because I loved him, he regretted his mistake and has worked hard to make amends. The kids get the benefit of us learning to work through a problem, no matter how hard it is, not to simply run away. I understand this is not an option for many, and for you I really pray. Not every H is willing to do what is right, or just doesn't have the strength or the tools. Not everyone is a good person, although we all like to believe that. I certainly don't think ANY OW is a good person! And one who gets herself pregnant and then think she deserves support for it, I just don't get it.

Ahh, thanks for listening to me rant. I feel better now.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 8:19 AM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

EXOW is a predator, plain and simple. It did not matter who the affair was with, my H or someone else's. She wanted a paycheck and that is what it all comes down to. My marriage was weak at the time that it all happened we were not communicating or spending time together at all. She knew that and went in for the kill.

Could my H have stopped it.. of course! Did he no. No one is perfect, so my H had an affair, I can deal with that. That does'nt define him as a man, it is something that he did not who he is. That is why I am able to move on.

Factor in a OC and that is the biggest kick in the gut that you will ever have. That my friend is the hard part.

[This message edited by always at 6:43 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

It's funny; one of the things OW said in an email to me (that I did not dignify with an answer)was "I was single when OC was conceived, which is more than I can say for your husband"

WTF? I guess she didn't consider fucking a married man to be a moral issue.

Just another example of the extreme self-centered point of view OW seem to all have in common.

You know, one of the things that I think about is that these OW's do not know the WS' as well as they should. In my situation, OW never really saw WH interacting with our kids. She believes that he's a good father because he always made sure to visit the kids. But she doesn't know that most of his visits were about him sleeping and the kids complaining about not spending time with him.

Over the years, I have been the way that has been involved with their education. Not just helping them with homework and projects, but also attending school functions. Tonight, there was a function at son's school and H didn't want to go. Son plays on a softball team and you can barely get H to go there either.

Of course, son is outspoken and mentioned to H that he never goes to any of their functions and that he's lazy. Looking at him and knowing how he is just made me think that maybe the OW does deserve this man. My H, who she thinks would be a wonderful father. What a surprise she will receive when she finds out that he's not actually the father she thought him to be.

When she's faced with taking care of everything on her own and he's sitting there as if he's in another world. Or maybe she just wants a man around so badly that she would even have one that doesn't do anything unless it's for his own gain.

Mention going to a club and he's down with you. But for him to do something with the kids - forget about it. He stays up all night and sleeps all day. He'll get up about an hour before their bedtime but they complain the whole time they are home about his sleeping. And he doesn't care.

This is not a new H. This is how H has always been. I actually asked him why he wanted kids if he didn't want to participate in their lives. I also asked him if OW knows how little he will actually help to raise the OC. She's probably thinking that he'll be all involved in the OC's life when it's the opposite. Imagine her surprise when she finds out differently.

I'm starting to think I should gift wrap him and send him back. LOL!

Bee-

She justified that what she did was right BECAUSE she was single--WTF???

Okay, that's about the dumbest thing I ever heard.

2kds:

Ya know? after I read your reply I got an even bigger laugh out of it!

Yeah, not only is she condoning fucking a married man (who, incidentally has never removed his wedding band because it's STUCK!) but is also apparently condoning a child out of wedlock.

What a loser!

bee obviously she is single for a reason lol she cant get a man of her thus why she has to be the whore on the side always second best never to be anyone's #1.

I wouldnt brag if I were her to be so pathetic to be a single woman with low selfesteem problems and no way to get a date so she has to condone adultery to get laid HELLO stupid wake up and smell the coffee. NOW your tellling your kid your a whore because he or she is born out of adultery which makes them not only illegit bastard but now the world knows its moms a slut because....

Wow dont they see the big picture down the road as to what they are doing to thier OC they claim to be looking out for I think we can all equate the poor OC = mealticket for ow. kwim

I am not as pissed off right now about it as I was a month ago, but I am still pretty pissed off. My WS had an affair with what I call is the adulterous whore, or I call her the Bitch, Slut & Whore. Those names make me feel better. Anyhow, the whore planned a fantasy life for my husband. He used condoms up until August of 2005, when she showed him birth control pills. He 'trusted' her. That is what happens with these men. They trust a whore. As if one can trust a whore! But it shows you what kind of ridiculous thinking that is going on in their brains when they are doing this kind of thing.

She had the baby in September of 2005. I found out that she was pregnant , 3 weeks after I found out he had an affair. His affair had been going on, off and on since 1999 or 1998. It was a matter of time before something would happen. My WS was to BLIND to see it coming. He devastated our lives with a worthless, meaningless fuck.

Ladies...you'll get a kick out of this one...

Sybil (my personal nickname for the multi-personality whore) wrote my H an email at one point and said that she "did nothing wrong and is secure in her integrity." She went on to say that she "knows who she is."

Apparently in her world she's right up there with the Virgin Mary and has no mortal sin on her shoulders.

Two bit slut.

BW

Phoebe:

She is single because she is an admitted lesbian! All the history is in previous posts in the JFO forum that I stopped posting in. Children from Infidelity thread....too many people in JFO questioning my decision to trust H and also feeling sorry for OC.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 6:23 AM, April 27th (Thursday)]

Bee--

Wow, what a sanctimonious bunch on the JFO thread!!! I don't think ANYONE that hasn't gone through this can advise on it. Yes, it is okay to forgive your H and see that he did what he thought best for 18 years!! Don't let them even question you otherwise! Shit happens, don't we all know that. We all make mistakes...and we all use the tools we have to fix them. Your H lived with tremendous guilt for many years, it is what he does from now on that matters, not what he did 18 years ago!! His and your choice to either have a relationship, or to not have one with the OC is YOUR choice, and your choice alone. If you do, great, if not, that's great too!! Don't let anyone tell you that you have to, or you are not a moral person because you don't.

You go girl! (hugs)

BeeTrayed- I just wanted to say that I'm glad you came to this thread and didn't leave SI. I just went back to JFO and read your thread about the OC.

Still no results for us yet. This waiting is just AWFUL!!! I am still really DREADING getting that letter in the mail, I'm just ready for it to be over already. For me, this is absolutely worse than finding out about the A. I don't know what I will do if this actually is his child.

I'm due in less than 2 weeks, so my hormones are screwed already.

For those of you with your own children, do they know about the OC? My son is 6 1/2. How do you explain this to a child?

april--my two kids do NOT know. They are 6 1/2 and 9. H and I agree that they will not know for a very long time.

Stupid things OW's say--how about this one? Our OW put ALL the blame on H, told him he could have "controlled the situation." Apparently she must have been drunk at the time.

Oh, and "I didn't find out until I was 5 1/2 months along that I was pregnant." Hmmm...right about the same time that everyone in the office noticed!

BTW-his wedding ring never came off either!

My kids know but do not want anything to do with the OC. My kids had several things to say to H about the situation. Son told H that the OC was not a gift from God, but was from the Devil instead. My son is very vocal and when he sees that OW called on H's cell phone, he says, "that stupid woman is still calling you." Other than that, they don't ask anything about the situation.

aprilh0639:

Yeah, I'm happier in this forum also. I think my "timewarped" situation has enabled me to fast forward the R a little bit.

My husband is wonderful, and there was really never any thought of leaving a 30 year marriage for an 18 year old mistake.

I think I have pin-pointed my two greatest difficulties when it comes to coping with this situation:

1. the loss of "exclusivity" over being the only mother of your H's child. However, I am able to "spin" this pretty successfully after OW refused to do the DNA test this past January. After all, I tell myself...what is she hiding? (Answer: the very real possibility that OC isn't H's)

2.The timing of the A (between my two children)and the subsequent sucker punched feelings of betrayal. I "spin" this one out also with the really firm knowledge that this woman meant nothing to my H, represented a quick fuck (during a time when many men feel a bit at a loss or left out after a new baby) that was immediately regretted and who is also really quite unattractive (ugly weight-lifting jock dyke is an accurate description...my H's, in fact)

Yeah, I have my good and bad days like everyone here, and they do get me down at times.

But then I think about the future and all the good times yet to come, how much my H loves me and is willing to do everything in his power to get me beyond the devastation his actions have wreaked upon me, ... and I am happy.I know it's going to take time to feel "normal" again (or at least some facsimile thereof) but there's nowhere else I want to be but in his arms.

Does that make me a hopeless romantic?

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 3:05 PM, April 27th (Thursday)]

For those of you who know that we are expecting, I wanted to let you know we received bad news at our CVS appointment today. The baby's heart stopped beating about a week ago. H and I are devasted but we agree that we will try again and that we WILL have the family we want.

Sad to say but this just reinforces for me that I want us (me and H) to have NOTHING to do w/ the OC. I cannot have them in our life. There is simply no room for the OW in our marriage and no soft spot in my heart for a child that should have been mine.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

BW

BW:

I just went to the pregnancy support thread and saw that you haven't posted there yet, so I'll go ahead and respond here. I am truly sorry for your loss. You and your H will be in my prayers!!

I agree with you about it reinforcing your feelings about OW/OC. I couldn't do it either.

Big HUGS to you!!!

BW,

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I just don't know what to say that could come anywhere close to feeling your pain.

Take care; you are in my thoughts.

April and Bee,

Thanks for your kind words. Tomorrow is the D&C and I'm sick over it but understand that it's medically necessary. H will be with me every step of the way and for that I'm grateful. I actually did post in the P thread when I first came to realize I was expecting. I will probably post a quick note there at some point but to be honest, I'm more comfortable in this thread b/c we are all in the same boat w/OW/OC situation and we understand what each of us is going through. Most of the posters in the P thread are expecting when they found out about the A. That wasn't my case so I'm going to hang here w/ my "gang" for now.

Hugs to you both,

BW

I post in the preg. thread too, that's why I mentioned it. I've seen you on there before. I don't post alot on there myself, because I got pregnant after I found out about OC. We were already R.

Good luck tomorrow. I've never had to have a D&C, but I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this on top of everything else. I'm really glad your H is gonna be with you. Keep us updated and let us know if you need anything. We are here.