SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, this is what I'm saying - all of it. And I have no idea why you have to be so snarky about what I'm saying. You don't agree? Fine

Point is, while I don't necessarily agree with you, I can certainly understand and empathize with your position. See the difference?

You also assert that all reconciliations are from a position of weakness. I know for a fact that you are wrong.

This was absolutely your standard la-la fairy dust coated affair. I am not saying it is easily recoverable,I agree that the odds are tough, but it is still just very typical and mundane.

Walloped's wife broke NC to see if what they had was real. If the OM had professed his undying love for her what would have happened then? People are too quick to write this off as a run of the mill affair but for Walloped's wife it was a LOVE affair in her mind. $900 cuff links? Expensive restaurants? Lounging in his apartment drinking champagne? - they were way closer than just two people looking for an adrenaline rush. She spent HOURS talking to him - this is a lot deeper than we know at this point.

How much of her grief is related to the fact that the OM is a scoundrel and what they had was fake vs. what she has done to walloped and her family?

@Rain - walloped can't fix her she has to do that herself and she is already a broken person to destroy 6 lives like she has.

I don't think it was a deep relationship.

She never intended to leave Walloped.

This was all utter fantasy. A very selfish one.

The OM was a user and he used her. It is his "modus operandi". The OMW confirmed that.

Sure she broke contact. Guess what. Most WS do!

They want to believe their fantasy was real.

This was your typical run of the mill affair.

Two selfish adults acting like teenagers.

Then reality sets in.

They all say the "I love you's". That is to absolve them of their guilt. It lets the waywards off the hook because they are so busy lying to their spouses/families that they start believing their own lies.

This affair was nothing special.....

[This message edited by happyman64 at 10:17 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

And does not any affair include all the above fancy restaurant, gifts , etc . ( mrs W was honest and all what she did ) , also , she has the option to stay ww as many did , she could make her affair under ground and believed his lies

Manwitnoname,

I totally understand ur concerns that u don't want W to be hurt again, but W is ready to take this road, maybe after a while he finds it is better for him to stop trying , maybe she shows another weakness, who knows? But I believe whatever decision W takes , will be for the best for him and his family, and I salute him for trying

The strongest statement I'd be prepared to make, based on what W has reported, and assuming that everything he has reported actually turns out to be true, is that Mrs W is severely broken in ways and for reasons which are not yet clear. It's clearly in the best interest of W and his kids that Mrs W get unbroken to whatever extent is possible. As that happens it may or may not turn out to make sense for them to reconcile.

The worst thing W could do at this point would be to let his decisions get out in front of the facts.

@Foley05 - well said. The wreckage that Walloped's wife has caused has not been fully sifted through yet. There is something disturbing about a woman who conducts a LTA on a husband and her 5 kids in which there were no major relationship issues. To damage 6 lives like that it mind boggling.

I should probably clarify that I wasn't trying to say anything original, just paraphrasing what I thought W has been writing all along to see if I've understood him correctly. It's easy for subtleties to get lost in a low-bandwidth medium and this is an area where subtleties are particularly critical.

As much as W has written of what he and his wife have talked about, it's far short of a full transcript. Even if it was, it would still be missing expressions, gestures, intonation, timing - all of which carry lots of meaning, particularly in a conversation between people who have been together for twenty years.

It looks again to me that this discussion becomes increasingly akin to the ones that armchair strategists have about war in the trenches. Let us not forget that this war is W's to fight or not and so is the choice to make peace or not based on his assessment of the situation and what he wants to ultimately achieve.

I don't see how harping over Mrs. W's affair and the way she betrayed him is going to help W get the strength to start trying to work on his previously stated goal of giving R a chance. I am sure that, like all BS, he already has a ton of doubt about his WW, the affair, whether it is worth trying to R, how much R will cost him in terms of self image etc. I do not think he needs to have more gas poured over the fire that is already lit up. He sounded to me like he wants to see whether that fire can be put out and re-build something from the ashes. Fueling his doubt by projecting our own anger towards our WW will only serve to keep him more in limbo and will only serve to undermine his probably still shakey resolve in that sense. Yes, she was selfish and she did all that, but at least she owned to it (much more than many others here) and he wants to give his M and family a chance. And he needs to be able to gather all the strength and positivity to do that.

At least that is how I would feel if I were in his shoes.

I have to say, I do get a kick out of some of the posts that show up here. But I do appreciate them and the fact that people take time out of their day to provide advice and their take.

A couple of random things:

1) Some people have harped on $900 being spent on cufflinks. Now, the dollar amount doesn't really bother me - it's the act of buying, not the amount that gets to me (don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want a penny spent on POS, but the whole "OMG! Look how much she spent" isn't part of it - for a nice pair, say gold with diamond accents, it's kinda normal). He's wealthy. I may not be in his league, but I am far from poor and I have a few pairs that cost well above that.

2) Regarding R - I get that it's a gift to my wife, but I'm looking at it from a selfish point of view. I want R for me more than anything else. I know I can't have what I had before back. But I potentially can have something new. Maybe that's with my wife, maybe it's not. But I'm doing it for me, not for her. The fact that she "gets" R out of this if we are successful is besides the point. Don't know if that makes sense, but that's kind of where my head is at.

3) The more I read here and mull over my wife's affair, I realize more and more it was nothing special. Just typical. Don't know if that is a good thing or not, but it seems to be following certain patterns and I guess in some ways it is comforting.

4) I am not letting decisions of any kind get ahead of my finding more info out or to lock in an attempt at R. Basically, I can change my mind at anytime and am prepared to do so if say, I see I cannot handle it, or if I found out she broke NC, or something egregious. It's a direction I've decided I'd like to attempt. But that's easier saud than done and so I'm trying to move ahead (or at least figure out how to move ahead) to see if we can go down that road.

You know I feel my situation was similar, even with the money. I think generally I was in the same position you are in now when I was in that same spot a few months after d-day.

1. I agree about the money is insignificant about your finances, so I get it, but the significance about that particular gift is that she was chasing him, on top of "the gift" of she was giving him all the sex, she felt she wanted to give him a gift like that, and he never reciprocated (as far as I know, I don't read your posts because it triggers me a bit.)

2. I agree, R is for you. I don't know about you, but I put my wife and kids ahead of me, most of the time we all were on the same page so it wasn't a great sacrifice, but overall if my wife and kids were happy, I took satisfaction and was happy. After d-day, I put myself ahead of my wife. And my wife seems happy with that, even wants that, even over three years later. Without that, I might feel I was being "used." I didn't have money when I met my wife, but after cheating and possibly leaving her, I was aware that I am her wallet, but I didn't want that to be the reason. Anyway, R is for me, too, but it has to be for both of us, or it is no good and not what I want.

3. Not only was the affair not special, the corollary then was that my wife was not special. I thought she had been special prior to the cheating, I guess I thought her values were above reproach. She always had flaws, ALWAYS, and so did I, but also so many great qualities, and above reproach when it comes to FAITHFULNESS and LOYALTY. I thought I was lucky because among many other things I would see other guys had to worry about their wives stretching boundaries, and my wife always stayed so well within any boundaries. This is the lasting loss as I can see so far.

4. It was two years before I was not thinking of leaving.

Walloped I will say this again - he turned out to be a scoundrel so it made her decision easier. If he was not a serial cheater and pledged his undying love to her - you might be looking at a divorce whether you wanted it or not.

Walloped she developed a deep emotional bond with him and treated him like a boyfriend not just a sex partner. There are layers to this affair you have not uncovered yet.

Finally doesn't it disturb you even more that there were no major issues in your marriage and she still fell in love with another man? She CHOSE to be with him not because you drove her away but because her attraction to him was stronger than her love for you or your marriage.

This:

Regarding R - I get that it's a gift to my wife, but I'm looking at it from a selfish point of view. I want R for me more than anything else. I know I can't have what I had before back. But I potentially can have something new. Maybe that's with my wife, maybe it's not. But I'm doing it for me, not for her. The fact that she "gets" R out of this if we are successful is besides the point. Don't know if that makes sense, but that's kind of where my head is at

This is key.

I have been following Walloped story from the start. Seems everybody has a different view about the affair and to R or not. I also struggled with all these things. I finally realized after months of talking and getting most/some of the truth the decision was all mine. I had to make my mind up. Did I want to R? Divorce? It makes no difference about what people, family, friends, AP or my wife wanted. Nothing mattered until I made MY decision. Wallop you are doing great. Get all the information you need. Take your time. Make your own decision. Hang in there Buddy

Whenever I read a poster strongly insist that reconciliation is generally not realistic I see a vision of a party where the host welcomes everyone inside unconditionally – no questions asked. Only for someone to drink all his beer, double-dip the chips and then take a dump on the living-room table and then brag about it.

Only in this case our host is MangledHeart who doesn’t realize that his wife and co-host Deeply Scared is a lost cause (according to the guest still wiping his @ss on the curtains). Then there are all the mods and guides that do such a fantastic job (and who will probably end up cleaning the mess…). Some of them BS, some of them WS, some of them divorced and some of them reconciled. Not that the smelly guest will notice: to him a WS is a lost cause and R is a waste of time.

Have another beer!

Frankly my advice to Mr. W hasn’t been aimed at saving his marriage. To me that’s just a tool to get him out of infidelity. THAT is the GOAL. Out of infidelity. It was very clear early on that his preference was to get out with his wife and that certain actions by his wife indicated she was ready for the work. I think his posts show he has a (relatively) good grasp on the situation and he realizes that although R isn’t guaranteed then no matter the outcome he will be more content having at least tried.

Great post Bigger.

Wal, as you and we've been saying, it's your decision and your decision, so take plenty of time to make it. We're here for you to help you make it in any way you want&need us, and to help you with what will follow that decision. Bro-hugs!

Frankly my advice to Mr. W hasn’t been aimed at saving his marriage. To me that’s just a tool to get him out of infidelity. THAT is the GOAL. Out of infidelity.

This bears repeating. And thinking about.

wk55hn - Regarding item #3, I'm with you on that. This has been one of the most difficult things to wrap my head (and heart) around.

Bigger - Thanks for your post. I think I'm internalizing the message and it's driving my thoughts.

I said this to someone in a PM, but I'll say it here as well. My view is that I feel I owe it to myself to allow her the opportunity to do whatever she can so I can see if I can move forward with her. And if I can't, then it would mean I'd move forward without her. Regardless, the idea is to move forward, which I think, fits within the whole "get out of infidelity" mindset.

[This message edited by Walloped at 12:37 PM, September 24th (Thursday)]

This is my first post. I just wanted to wish Walloped all the very best in his future and I believe in the power of thinking positive so I thought I would drop this short message to let you know that there are people reading this thread who are really wishing you well. I hope for your and your children's sake that your wife steps up but if she doesn't I honestly think you and they will do fine.

Walloped

I will say it again.

Keep moving forward. You are getting it and your mind is heading in the right direction.

Glad to see your thoughts are calm, clear and steady.

HM