SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yeah, I feel like me being able to blindly trust anyone is gone for good, so it probably doesn't matter with her in that regard.

She keeps telling me that she wants to stay with me 100% and will do whatever I need or want in order to make me feel safe and comfortable. I just don't know what she can do to make that happen for me. She has recognized that alcohol is a problem for her when she has too much and has told me she is going to stop drinking so much when she is out and about. She also has figured out she has a problem with needing approval to feel good about herself and this is especially prevalent at work. She said she is going to be working on not needing this constant approval (will be bringing it up with MC and seeing what she needs to do to start working on getting over that). She thinks it is rooted in her from childhood and feeling inadequate in front of her parents (I think I mentioned this previously as something she has vocalized before and I have witnessed personally).

I hope these are things I can see her doing better with. Otherwise I don't know what I need to see to know she is trying.

There are flirty/sexy text messages between them and if he didn't delete them, she can't report him to HR without the threat of him just taking her down with him

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Did your wife say that or an attorney? As I understand it the supervisor-employee relationship is kind of like adult-child relationship. Since he's her supervisor, she could argue that she felt she had to respond to his advances to keep her job. And even after she told him no more personal exchanges, just job related, he still pursued her and gave her personal compliments on her beauty and personality. Highly inappropriate. What I'm saying is, he would be in danger from HR, but your wife most likely wouldn't be, because she was his subordinate. In a professional relationship, regardless of what the employee does, the supervisor is in control and sets the tone.

Finally, one more problem with continued contact. You are in the position of criticizing her because she cheated on you. When she sees you, she feels guilty. Every interaction with you she'll feel badly, and justifiably so. But in every interaction with him, she'll have her ego boosted. He'll tell her how beautiful she is, how smart, how wonderful, how she is his dream girl. So every time she's with him she feels good about herself. Whereas with every interaction with you, she feels bad about herself. How could she possibly have a bad opinion about someone who thinks she's wonderful? Would you?

Good luck. But don't dilly dally here. You've got to end all contact with this pos.

The attorneys told us she was at risk of termination if the affair was brought to HR attention. If she felt coerced or anything things change. She didnt feel coerced or threatened so it would just be straight up lying to HR if she said she did feel that way. It sounds like her texts would coorberate his story more than hers.

She deleted the texts as soon she sent/received them so i wouldnt find them so she doesnt know the exact wording of them. We are trying to figure out how to retrieve them.

The important thing here is that if she doesn't fix what is broken in her, even switching jobs isn't a guarantee of anything. The next bozo that tosses her a compliment could be the next conquest.

The important thing here is that if she doesn't fix what is broken in her, even switching jobs isn't a guarantee of anything. The next bozo that tosses her a compliment could be the next conquest.

I completely agree! I told her last night that I think if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. She said she didn't know. I just don't know how I'll know she is fixing things inside herself.

ok,

then build a paper trail. Have her send him an email telling him to please keep things professional and that his personal comments about her make her uncomfortable, that she is trying to heal her marriage. (Lay it on thick. Make it good evidence in case you need it.) That way, if he continues, she's got a trail. It doesn't matter then if she previously had an affair with him, because she's specifically, and traceably, told him to back off.

eta - here's what I'd say in the email:

POS, please stop making personal comments to me. It's unwanted and makes me feel uncomfortable. Since you're my supervisor, I find it threatening. I am trying to heal my marriage. Please respect my wishes.

[This message edited by mike7 at 2:13 PM, November 1st (Tuesday)]

She sent him a text like this after he texted her a song he thought she would like. After that, in a one on one meeting with him, he laid it on thick about how much he cared for, how good she was at her, how pretty, blah blah. She told him no, she was done and stop and he has so far. I am just worried that the affair piece will come out when he is terminated and she will get fired too. She doesn't have enough for legal case so the only thing keeping them from firing her too is if they don't want to.

I told her last night that I think if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. She said she didn't know.

She is not very reassuring in any way at all. She doesn't know, she damn well better figure it out and know right now.

She tells you the OM came onto her again at work, and she shot him down, how do you know that is the truth?

Stop listening to the damn lawyer, this guy has continued to come onto to your wife, it is now time to tell HR about this. The original affair was just that, she supposedly told him to stop and he has NOT stopped bothering her.

Your wife says she knows she needs to stop drinking so much...really, how about not drinking at all. How about not being able to travel ever again until she figures her huge problems out.

She is not being very reassuring at all, because I dont know is NOT an answer.

I agree with the reassuring bit. She doesn't want to lie to me. I get it but by not telling me she won't it leaves a lot of doubt.

I don't want her to get fired. I believe that the two attorneys we spoke to are accurate that it is a possibility if HR finds out about the affair. I am trying to get in touch with one now about these latest unwanted encounters.

As far as it being true, I don't know for sure, but she told me she would tell me whenever he spoke about something not work related and this is what she came to me with the other day.

As I said before, she has to travel for work. If she quits or gets fired without another job, it will be a HUGE financial strain on us. It just seems so unfair that she can't go to HR without the possibility of getting fired unless she has a clear sexual harassment case that she could sue the company with if they fire her but from what the lawyers said, she would need multiple attempts from him (more than the two so far).

[This message edited by desertmirage at 2:28 PM, November 1st (Tuesday)]

As far as it being true, I don't know for sure, but she told me she would tell me whenever he spoke about something not work related and this is what she came to me with the other day.

How did this OM (boss) communicate with her that he was missing her and still interested in her?

They have a "one-on-one" meeting once a week where they go over her projects and whatnot. It was at the end of this, that he started in. It was all verbal if that is what you are getting at. She was surprised since she had told to "no more" a week earlier.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 2:38 PM, November 1st (Tuesday)]

I think that is enough to warrant a report to HR. She screwed up with an affair, recognized that, told him no more, and now he continues. How much more is there for HR.

Your wife needs to find another job, and or tell HR, but that is crap. Have you called the OM and explained to him that you will not put up with his crap anymore?

Also, your wife already admitted if it was not him, it very well could have been some other guy, that is very disturbing.

The only times I have read or heard of that is when the wife has childhood issues.

With her I dont know answers, vague answers, etc, I don't see how you can trust her for a long time.

She didn't say it would have been, but there doesn't seem to have been much there for her to like her pos boss (unless she's just lying about that). Lots of "I liked how he made me feel" and all that shit. That's probably accurate but lots of people can compliment you and you don't fuck them.

I do think she has childhood issues. Her parents didn't beat her or anything but there is definitely something there with them giving her older and younger sister more attention (middle child syndrome). I see it though when we all get together and it sounds like they have always been like that. Even when she has big news or something exciting they never really seem to care.

I am just worried that the affair piece will come out when he is terminated and she will get fired too.

Well, shoot! She's either dammed if she tells or dammed if she doesn't!

Look, you and your WW are essentially giving this OM power in trade to maintain your current job, lifestyle, and return to status quo. You both are not accepting the fact that this affair has changed EVERYTHING in your relationship. There is no going back. There's only moving forward and determining how and if anything can be salvaged. You are both essentially handing the steering wheel to the OM by doing nothing at all. That's how people who abuse their authority and position get away with it! Is the worst thing in the world is for her to get another job? Seriously!?!?

I think if ANYONE is taking a big risk it would be the employer firing a subordinate for having an affair with her boss. I'm really surprised both of your attorneys are shying away from pursuing this. I work for an organization IN AN "AT WILL" employment state that will bend over and take it in the shorts if an employee threatens to sue them for any of the work related offenses because -

1) They want to protect their image

2) it is WAY cheaper to settle.

Maybe you need to find a more agressive I've third attorney for consultation?

desertmirage - I know it's difficult. You're trying to do what needs to be done, without over-penalizing yourself by having her be unemployed, etc.

Maybe you feel you have to go this way, but I think you're taking a risky path. Your wife having weekly meetings with him seems very dangerous to me. Not to scare you, but how would you feel about her saving her job if in two weeks she fucks him again? And then says how sorry she is? Waywards who remain in touch with their APs frequently relapse. It's true. That's why we keep insisting on NC. Get the guy out of her life. He's already had her. She's already comfortable fucking him.

I don't know. You're in a tough situation, but I don't think I could have my wife meeting her boss, the one who she betrayed me with, on a weekly basis.

I do think she has childhood issues. Her parents didn't beat her or anything

Childhood issues are usually about sex abuse at some point, which results in low self esteem, not beating.

Your wife is not being very open about her answers and that has to change. The I dont know answers are about the quickest way to you resenting her and a divorce. She does know...when you think about it, who doesn't know about their own lives.

The I dont know answer is the best to hide the real truth, because that I dont know answer cannot be explored like a real answer.

The lawyers always take the easy way out with their answers, they are afraid anymore of other lawyers. They take the easy way out.

Your wife and this OM still have one on one meetings...no way would I put up with that.

Where are these one on one meetings held?

Thanks JDuff! No, it's fine for her to get another job. I just think it's shitty that she needs to do this because of OM. The issue the lawyers see is that there is no lawsuit. Unless she wants to lie about how it all started and her feeling pressured and whatnot, there is no lawsuit. I don't think they would fire her either, but it isn't guaranteed that they don't and that is what the lawyers are looking at. They both didn't see any benefit from telling HR (from a legal and employment standpoint, they weren't looking at it from a relationship perspective).

Mike- I hear ya loud and clear. I'm trying to get this. I really am. Just trying to do it without her getting fired.

Craig- I don't think this is the case at all with lawyers. We spoke with two different ones and they both came to the same conclusion. There is no case, so yes, they are scared of going to court with this since it's a guaranteed loss. Now, this doesn't help me or her relationship wise but they aren't looking at it that way.

I don't think there was anything like that in childhood. Just minor neglect at the worst.

The meetings are held in his office. I know, I know...

[This message edited by desertmirage at 3:51 PM, November 1st (Tuesday)]

There is no case, so yes, they are scared of going to court with this since it's a guaranteed loss.

This is not about a lawsuit, I thought this was about going to HR and getting this guy away from your wife. This guy can no longer be her boss, this guy can no longer be in a position of her superior, this guy can no longer have private meetings with her behind closed doors and this guy can never again go on travel trips with your wife.

Come on.

Tell HR this guy is not acting as a boss, but as a predator.

Your wife needs to be looking for a new job, talking to job stores, job finders, etc.

Okay so I am starting to smell smoke. Have for a little while now.

First she wanted to change positions within the company. She and you were going to tell HR. Now she wants to remain in the status quo pre-dday.

She still remains in constant contact with her AP on some level.

She "doesn't know her WHYs", yet having read a few books including Not Just Friends.

She is not disgusted or revolted by his presence. Yet she has played the "victim card on occasion".

She is comfortable meeting in a private office with her AP on a weekly basis but is trying to repair the damage she has done to her marriage.

desertmirage, I think you need to explore the possibility that the affair is under ground in some sense or has been placed on hold in both their minds till the dust settles. What caused the dust up / confession still remains a mystery?

I think you are being setup for the half assed attempt at R and rug sweeping to a new norm where she can go back to her feel good drug addictions (sex and booze).

All I see is a woman who has betrayed her husband confessed because of the overwhelming guilt but wants to change nothing. She is an adult if she loved the job and wanted it as a career she should have been an adult in said job and not fucked her boss.

She claims booze was a problem yet will not give it up 100% but just be more careful next time. Seriously?

Start digging I bet you will find the affair or relationship in some personal form is still happening.

Things are not adding up and I think others are starting to see it also.

[This message edited by sneaker at 4:23 PM, November 1st (Tuesday)]

It's not about a law suit. All I'm saying is that the lawyers say if she gets fired for the A, that's it. There is nothing stopping them from doing it. No impending suit. That's why the lawyers advised to not tell. I agree she can't work for him. Just trying to see if there is a way she can tell hr about him putting the moves on her after she said no, without her getting fired. Or if it does just mean she needs to search and leave.