SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What reason would ever be good enough for him to have cheated?

What reason will make you feel better?

What reason makes it OK to do what he did?

What could he possibly say that will make this different than it already is?

Since divorce is the direction you are going, put your energy into healing you. Shut the door you just cracked open for him, no good will come.

Unfortunately any why he tells you isn't going to take your pain away. It also is going to be the word of a proven liar so even if it does bring you some comfort you will never really know if it is the truth or not.

TOC you have to decide what you want to do but you don't have to right now. Enjoy your cosy little house with Bella. Surround yourself with the love of your family and friends and take some time to decide what you want.

I don't think your WH has any say in if you D or R. That choice is yours. You have been strong and navigated your way so gracefully through this storm.

I also agree with the previous posters - you told your WH what you needed from him Sunday and he came unprepared to give that to you. Instead he blames you for hurting him with you walls.

If you want to share your pain with him then I like your idea of turning your posts here into an journal. But be aware he may not be able to acknowledge your pain. That doesn't mean you shouldn't share it if you want to. Just from the things he has said to you I don't think he can empathise with you at all in this.

He has Google just like you. If he wants to figure out how to fix the damage he has done let him figure out how. It drove me nuts during our false R when my STBX would ask me what I needed him to do to make things better. I didn't know how he could make it better and surely that was his job to figure out not mine.

Take your time to catch your breath before you decide what you want.

[This message edited by HardyRose at 7:24 PM, October 3rd (Monday)]

Hi Everyone -

Level-headed TOC is back and taking charge again. Heartbroken TOC has been put away. Reading so many of your heartbreaking stories and realities has slapped me back to reality. You are all right. There is absolutely nothing he can do or say to me that will give me any peace of mind as to why he went and did this. I already know why. He's a fucking stupid, immature horny idiot. End of story. That is absolutely not the person I want to be married to. Hell, I don't even want to be friends with this person.

So I texted him back.

"I can't wait to be single again. xox."

Gosh, if only I had just sent that to him within minutes of his errant text to me. All of this could have been avoided. But then I wouldn't have "met" all of you. So thank you for sharing your stories, providing sound advice and propping me up. Words can't express how I truly feel.

I'm still heartbroken but I'll be OK.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 7:37 PM, October 3rd (Monday)]

You're on The Emotional Rollercoaster. Keep your hands, feet, and decisions inside the car at all times.

What helped me during my time of being Plan B was to write down in a sheet of paper each individual shitty thing that she did. When the "awww, maybe..." thoughts came out so did the paper. Reading those things killed any random desires pretty quickly.

Great reply, by the way!

devoted man:

You're on The Emotional Rollercoaster. Keep your hands, feet, and decisions inside the car at all times.

Yep, that's it in a nutshell. This made me laugh.

TOC,

Another way to keep ahead is to go read the thread in JFO titled "What are the dumbest things they ever said" I'm sure you'll be hearing those (as hurtful as they are) but they'll prepare you for the soon to come 'diarrhea of the mouth' barrage. And some will make you laugh!

Glad you're feeling back in control...for now.

Yes, another good thread is:

"T/J Wayward speak decoded"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=591978

its on page 3 of JFO right now.

some of them are ridiculous, but I am sure that you will hear some of them, because we all did

When he says that he can't believe you filed for divorce, just remind him it was his rule. Remind him how adament he was that cheating was a dealbreaker! Let him know, he was very clear on how he felt about cheating and what the consequences would be and you felt the same. He cheated, therefore, it's over.

More importantly, this was not a one time slip. This occurred repeatedly and went on for an extended time. The text you saw from his friend asking him if he had done IT. His reply said it all. No, but soon? What the hell does that mean? it means he wanted a bit more time to enjoy his cake. His text saying he coukdn't wait to be in her again was not said in a manner that showed he had regrets and was ending it soon!

There really isn't anything else to discuss with him other than logistics of the financial split and signing divorce papers. You could just let him know that he should correspond with your attorney from now on.

[This message edited by abc123wife at 2:21 PM, October 4th (Tuesday)]

So I texted him back.

"I can't wait to be single again. xox."

You should follow that text up with: "Opps! That text was meant for someone else."

abc

You should follow that text up with: "Opps! That text was meant for someone else."

^^^^Love this response

ABC,

"I can't wait to be single again. xox."

You should follow that text up with: "Opps! That text was meant for someone else."

OMG I'm slow on the uptake...this caused me to see that TOC replaced "inside you" with "single"!

TOC, I for one hope you never "grow up"...because we might lose your wicked sense of humor.

Just out of sheer curiosity - do you have any plans to confront the OW? I know that you made your vows to your STBXH, not her, but she was a "friend" sort of (double betrayals suck so bad...BTDT), but do you have any desire to give her a verbal smackdown? Maybe not because you are getting a D anyway, but damn, I would be tempted.

BTW, your text to STBXH was friggin priceless!

And as far as explaining your whys to him for the D, you already have. You owe him nothing else...having conversations with him just brings up your pain again. Someone posted that you should just stay NC as much as possible; I agree wholeheartedly and JMHO.

Hugs!

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:23 PM, October 4th (Tuesday)]

Hi TOC,

I just read your entire story. And I'm sorry what you're going through.

I totally get where you're coming from. The gut punch, the confusion, all of it. The huge affairing-DOWN. (Would I have felt better if she was a super model? )

The one thing about your story that resonates most with me is your desire to know the "why". I had that too. And it drove me insane!!

You have to get to the point where you can accept there sometimes aren't any reasonable answers. And even *IF* you could ask him, he's not going to be honest. He's going to give you some sugar-coated nonsense that makes him look like the victim.

The REAL TRUTH is he did it because he could. Even *IF* it didn't mean anything to him. Even *IF* it was just for *fun*. He still DID IT.

So really...the "why" doesn't matter.

I have been reading your posts and you are a superhero. I am 4 years out and I know the up and down roller coaster. It is devastating. One hour you hate them more than you have ever hated any person alive and you want to punish them because why should they have all the fun and get to say "Sorry" and walk back in. Next hour they don't seem so bad. They never can give you a good reason for fucking another person. Never. My WS had such shit reasons in the beginning and now he thinks he was a miserable ass to even have said anything. For a while their head is up their ass. They never expected to get caught and definitely never expected to be kicked out. You don't know what you had until it is gone. We have been in R since the beginning and I so wish I had started like you did. You can always reverse your decision and you might feel differently in the future. Don't let anyone, even your WS push you into anything you are not ready for at this point. Stay or go or stay in limbo for a while now it is all your decision to make or change.

So I texted him back.

"I can't wait to be single again. xox."

Your STBX misjudged you. He thought he was the prize that you and Candy would fight over. You keep reminding him that you are the coverted prize that he is no longer eligible to win.

His head must be spinning.

[This message edited by HardyRose at 10:10 PM, October 4th (Tuesday)]

I am so glad that you are doing better. This part of the shit show is hell for sure. One minute you feel like "I've got this" and the next minute you are crying for the life you thought you had. It is mind boggling to say the least.

The good news is that it is temporary. Not I'm going to feel all better tomorrow temporary, but it does get easier to deal with and process with time and distance from the WS. Their problems are now their problems and you have no control over it other than the D and getting what is rightfully yours. If you don't care about any of the in house things, then all the better. Let him have it if you can afford to. It's not worth arguing over in the long run.

Come on down and visit the S/D forum. There are lots of BS's there that could use some of your mojo.

TOC,

There is nothing your WS can say that would ever make this right.

I think the thing I am so disappointed in with my WS is that I believed he was a better man that he actually is.

Words are so easy to say, actions tell the real truth...

My husband's affair has changed me, I don't trust anymore.

Your husband knew what he was doing and consciously made the choices to lose the marriage if he was caught..........that is the choice he rationalized each time.............

He still only cares about himself. he will keep showing you that.

It is the biggest form of disrespect towards you and your marriage vows.......

I say, have as little contact with him as possible give yourself the month your at your new home to just be.......

To rest your mind, your heart...

This is about you and only you now.........

He made his bed........let him deal with his own crap......

You owe him nothing, not after what he did........

I just wanted you to know I know how hurt and devastated you must be ...........stay here, let the fine folks here help you get through this, like others have helped all of us.......

ABC123wife:

You should follow that text up with: "Opps! That text was meant for someone else."

That would have been perfection!

Lalagirl:

Just out of sheer curiosity - do you have any plans to confront the OW? I know that you made your vows to your STBXH, not her, but she was a "friend" sort of (double betrayals suck so bad...BTDT), but do you have any desire to give her a verbal smackdown? Maybe not because you are getting a D anyway, but damn, I would be tempted.

I so want to say something to her but I have no idea how, why, what, when, where or what to say. I've been burying my disgust and anger with her. I have to think on this. I'm appalled at how stupid she could be. The damage that I could do to her business? How foolish of her!

The damage that I could do to Your business? How foolish of you!

Ummm, that's a start...says the mean side of me.

I sent OW a very vulgar but true FB message. Wish I could take that one back as it only showed her how upset I was. I wish I didn't give her an inclination!

TOC,

I so want to say something to her but I have no idea how, why, what, when, where or what to say.

Let the game come to you. I have a feeling CandyMan and Candyland will provide the opening.

I know you can easily improve on the following jabs. The mean part of me is followed by the vulgar part of me.

"SkittleGirl, I found out there were three dogs in my marriage. I've got Bella, the best one. Good luck picking up the shit from the old, foolish one"

"How is it that you could exercise my dog while you were on your back exercising your p***y?"

"Make sure you keep a short leash on him. He obviously will mount any b***h he sees"

"Please advise future clients that you can only walk their dogs if they get along with cats... because you like to bring your p***y out to play"