SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This. Sucks. On to glass of wine number 3.

I prefer whiskey. Jamison is good!!!!!

What an arrogant self-entitled prick. I'm sorry TOC, sometimes when faced with loosing everything the WS can get it, but your WH still has his head up his backside.

Well, I'm glad you were strong enough to meet with him and get the no answers answer. He doesn't have the inner strength to be honest and explain himself. Seriously, who cares if he hasn't seen her, (if you believe his words). He wasn't going to end it until he was caught. He was willing to go on a wonderful vacation with you while cheating. He knew your boundaries and still chose to be with someone you both knew and trusted.

Really glad you looked pretty great while he looks like a man caught cheating and guilt ridden. Everything about this is terrible with the exception of your strategy to confront and begin the healing process. Enjoy the wine in moderation. Standing in awe of your strength. Bravo TOC.

Coming very late to this post, as I've been mostly gone for some time. But read all of the pages.

I'm very glad that you had this meeting with him, as unsatisfactory as it was. There is such a thing as putting the "period" at the end of the sentence. That final, statement, that what came before, is over.

His self-justifying, self-centered speech to himself, was that ending, that period.

If nothing else, from all of what you've been through, this was the confirmation that this never, ever, was about you. It was about him. All about him. You were the collateral damage, being in the wrong place/marriage at the wrong time. Every right to be there, totally not to blame at all, but still, in the nuclear blast that was triggered by someone else, and left to heal, or not, by yourself.

Except, and I do hope that you really, really realize this, by a cadre of people that you may have never expected to all pull together for you. First, you friends who you contacted, were upfront with, and who showed up for you in spades, to help you with everything from your divorce paperwork, to getting your dog, to helping you pack up, to just simply being there for you. Including Bob. And next, because you were brave enough to open yourself to a bunch of strangers on the internet, listen to them, let them give you ideas (and support), and pick your best path through all of the posts, to find the best solution for yourself.

You have navigated your way through a soul-rending situation with grace, strength, and not a little bit of humor. You came here, with what I assume is the goal of every person who comes here, with the express intention of getting yourself out of infidelity. And you are well on track to do so. I salute you.

Doesn't mean that the next days, weeks, months are not going to be painful. They will be. Extremely. However, with the pain comes the knowledge that you are not stagnating in that pain. You are choosing yourself, your self-worth, to continue to walk the path out of infidelity and towards healing.

And that is commendable. That is honoring yourself. That is walking the path to help. Keep walking. The light is within reach. (((hugs)))

He's in defense mode...what a shame but no surprise really...

I spent an hour reading this whole thread yesterday ...I am MORE than impressed with your strength...

please continue to take care of yourself...it is good to be strong...it's ok to wallow a little too...

Me? I prefer Scotch with a healthy splash of soda

So I got up, told him I did the best I could, was the best wife I knew how to be but clearly it wasn't enough for him so I was not going to be his wife anymore. I told him he mis-represented himself to me as one of the good guys but he actually wasn't one of the good guys. I told him how terribly disappointed I was in him and then I left.

TOC I came late to your thread but I wanted to say you are my hero! You have navigated this horrible situation with grace, humour and strength.

I personally loved the skittles and the email address (not that I saw it but with your explanation I have a good idea what it was.)

You were right with what you told your WS. The reason he did this to you was because he wasn't one of the good guys. He is still being defensive and blaming you from his "I wish you would have just asked me" to his "I can't believe you filed for divorce" he was expecting you to give him a second chance.

I am so proud of you that you have more respect than to fall for his lies!

TOC,

Marc has some very good points here. Please re-read his post. Also, I sent you a private message that contradicts his. Both are very valid IMHO. You and only you know your husband, and you and only you can choose to forgive or forget...about him. Just you sister! Good luck in this next phase, it's a long difficult one.

My Dday was very similar. The way I found out was he pocket-dialed me and I didn't answer because I was in another room. When I retrieved the message, it was 3 minutes of him WITH the OW. The mind movies just about killed me. It took me a very long time to get close to functioning again. I couldn't eat or sleep. Ended up going to the ER and asking to be sedated. They prescribed some anxiety meds and I had to put myself back together again. I'm still not 100% and this was 8 years ago.

I've been quietly following your post and I am completely in awe of you as well. Today just so happens to be my 7th Dday Anniversary, and the first time I have posted to another thread in quite some time.

I am fully reconciled after seven long years and handled my Ddays completely opposite of you. I completely fell apart, and actually needed my FWH to take care of me! We had three young children at the time, and I was unable to care for myself and/or the kids. My husband saw my pain from the very moment I dropped to my knees with his initial disclosure, and then he continued to support me through months of trickle truth....I pretty much fell into a deep depression (something I had never experienced in my life!)

I guess my point is this. Your strength is amazing. Your ability to disassociate from your WH and care for yourself is something I wish I could have done. But by doing so, your WH hasn't truly seen your pain on a daily/hourly basis, like my FWH had to do. I think in your case, your WH just doesn't get it!!! He can't feel remorse, because he is now more concerned about his own pain as seen by his reaction to you filing for divorce.

In the end, I do think some WS's just don't get "it" unless they see the pain they put their spouses through. Maybe he is one of those spouses?!?!

Just putting my opinion out there - maybe I am wrong.

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 5:41 PM, May 31st (Thursday)]

^^I would have to agree with that^^^ It's almost like walk a mile in my shoes BUT with me.

This. Sucks. On to glass of wine number 3.

Pass the bottle, please!

Here's to better times.

Well I woke up about 11PM with a little bit of a wine hangover! And also a very long series of texts from WH, whom I told could call and text me again. He said he had a very bad day. He saw the day going very differently, almost as though we would fall right back into each other's arms, cry, talk it out, cry some more and try to find a way to work it out. He said he was taken aback by my distance and the wall I had built around myself. Then he wrote he understands why I had to build up that wall and that he's sorry he's the reason. He didn't even consider how to deal with how distant I would be so couldn't do anything more than let me walk away. He said he was stuck and stayed there for a good 30 minutes before realizing what a real shit show he has made of the whole situation. He understands why I am doing what I'm doing and asked that I let him somehow figure out how to make things right before totally ending it, signing on the dotted line.

I haven't replied yet. So SI family, what should I tell him?

I don't know what you should tell him. What do you want to tell him?

My feeling is that you told him exactly what you needed from him so he should have been prepared to give it. He seems to need you to draw him a connect-the-dots diagram which is a pretty strong indication that he doesn't get it and may never get it. Seriously, how much more explicit must you be. You told him what you needed and he had ample time to pull it together. I don't think he was shaken so much by your "wall" as by his inability to persuade you. Really, it seems he's shocked by the divorce because he thought it meant only if you cheated. It sounds very much like he fully expected to get away with it and, if he didn't, that convincing you to rugsweep it would be relatively easy. Now that it isn't, well he's stymied. It's not you that stymied him. As I said, you gave him what he needed to have prepared. He's stymied by his own brain. Really, you're an intelligent woman. How else would you explain his complete lack of preparation despite having been given the answers to the test in advance? He should have aced this one.

TOC,

You are an amazingly strong woman. You got yourself out of infidelity. You honored yourself in the process. You got your WH's undivided attention with shock and awe.

I think it was an honest answer that he envisioned your brunch meeting going a different way (i.e falling into each other's arms, crying, working it out, etc) He was/is still shell-shocked, jet lagged, and ashamed . . . and in his own fog. Just like when you went off to Europe the morning after finding out, you needed time to process, to plan, to grieve.

His texts sound a little more like the fog is finally clearing. Naively, he never thought he would get caught, and hadn't processed the possibility.

What do you need from him at this point?

What do you want from him at this point?

What can you accept from him at this point?

You still hold all the cards. I'm new here, but many of the long timers suggest "file right away." You can always withdraw it later.

That is outstanding advice, but it takes balls and fearlessness! You have that!

What does your soul need? If you were in the shoes of your new spa mentor, would you want to be with your WH or without?

It's tough. There is no right or easy answer. It was interesting to me that you told him him he could still call or text you. That says to me that you still have a glimmer of grace & caring, and that the time you were together mattered deeply. And that's human, powerful, spiritual, honest and nurturing ~ all admirable traits of the strong woman so many of us here have come to lift up.

Blessings & Peace as you continue this journey. You haven't crossed the rubicon yet, and that's a very good place to be.

If you want to let him try, Linda MacDonald's ebook "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is a good (and short) place to start. Counseling would be good if he really wants to fix himself. "Not Just Friends" is also good, though I didn't get very far in it--too painful for me at the time, but it helped my WH, who also was an ass on dday and was stunned at the destruction he wrought.

Look at your WH's actions compared to his words. If he's really working on changing himself and helping you heal, you'll see it. It's much easier to say things will be different than to do the work to make them different. And it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. It's hard to reconcile, but it can be done if he does the work. Do you want to try?

I would tell him that HE is responsible for his own healing, just as you have been responsible for yours.

I would say that he needs to do what is right for himself. If HE wants to get to the bottom of why he has behaved in this way and make himself safe to be in a relationship in the future (with you or anyone else) then seeing an IC would be a good first move but I would make it clear that you are no longer asking anything of him. These are things he could choose to do for himself. He can't 'put things right'. What's done is done. But he can choose to look at himself and see who he is, and change that. Or he could choose not to.

That said, he is no longer your responsibility. Your responsibility is to making sure that you are okay, making sure that you are healing, finding the best outcome for you. And, it seems to me, that you are doing a very good job of that.

Big, big hugs to you TOC. You are a strong and powerful woman and you are going to be okay.

[This message edited by Prudence at 7:01 AM, October 3rd (Monday)]

I think I would reply something along the lines of that at the moment you have no reason to back off from the divorce proceedings and so you are carrying on with it.

As others have said emphasise that he has a lot of work to do on himself, regardless of the final outcome. You can always stop the divorce later if that's something you want (but don't tell him that!).

You have handled this well, but bear in mind that it is easy for a bunch of strangers to sit here and tell you to keep going and break it off as we're not invested in your relationship and we don't know him. It might take him a couple of attempts to 'get it' and realise he's approached you all wrong. Only you know that.

And it might take you a while to know what you really want - in the mean time though I think I'd carry on as you are. No harm holding his feet to the fire, if he truly wants reconciliation then that won't make him run away,

When something like this happens, lot of us immediately turn to reading or the internet or their doctor or counseling, something, anything, to try to figure out why and/or make the pain somewhat bearable. That is what you did, which is how you found us (and we are glad you did!). Anyway, I can't see at this point that your husband is doing anything at all. He obviously wants you back but is unaware that there is a whole lot of stuff he needs to do; you are simply not going to fall into his arms and it's all over and he has his nice life back. That life is dead; he killed it. You now know what he is capable of doing. I sometimes want to hit these WS's up side the head with something hard and tell them to get busy and figure things out for yourself. A lot of times on this thread it's the BS who are doing all the work. Maybe you should just tell your WS that hypothetically, if the marriage were fixable (and you are not sure it is) he created this mess, it's his to fix, and what are his plans for doing that? Then just stand back and watch what his actions are.

TOC,

Imagine your WH showed up here on SI, in the wayward forum. What do you think we would tell him? Tell him that. Recognize you're fundamentally inauthentic and false, resolve to use this to learn something, seek out IC, grow from it. These form the base for anything positive coming out of the mess.

It is OK to feel compassion for what he lost, just don't let it drag you back into the vortex if you don't want to go there. He's likely just going through the genie-back-in-the-bottle manipulation phase right now, well before true acceptance.

Sending strength!

^^^^^

^^^^^

Good post undertherug. I concurr.