SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I dont think I'm writing this well, haha. She is willing to leave her job. No problem there. She gets it. Its me not wanting her to quit and let fuck head off scot free. The why is something else. I have no idea, but i never will because i,would never fucking cheat.

I just think it's shitty that she needs to do this because of OM.

Remember it is not because of the OM, it is because of your wife. She is the one that allowed this to happen in the first place. Sure the OM is a POS, but your wife allowed this.

They both can get fired for this, most likely due to fear of lawsuit, but since the OM is the boss, he is probably the only one to get fired.

And most states are at will work states, which means anyone get can fired for almost any reason, without reasons.

She is willing to leave her job, than why isn't she looking anywhere for a new job at this time?

I have been following your story since your first post. You have been getting a lot of great advice. After reading your last few posts I really am struggling with how you will every be able to get past this as long as she is still seeing her AP on a daily basis. She has got to find another job.

If she is truly planning to work on her marriage she cannot be in the presence of the AP every day, and he is still hitting on her weekly!! How can you ever trust this situation? If she has not taken the A underground, it is just a matter of time.

The guy is hitting on your wife weekly!!! Isn't that is how it started before? Little complement here, a word there. Hell, he has 8 hours a day to drop little complements, a little smile here a touch there.

What has she done to fix herself so she is not susceptible to his charms? Why is she not vulnerable this time. Think of the ego kibbles, this guy is practically begging, hinting, just plain coming out an asking to be with her weekly...

It really is just a matter of time before the A starts up again, if it hasn't already. She is in his office weekly,WEEKLY, alone, BEING HIT ON and you are still ok with her being there? Really???

How can you possible trust this situation?

I cant. I think about it all day long. Lol. Looke at when I'm posting on here. It is affecting my work. I just had a talk with her about it. I just dont think she gets it. I asked her how she can work with him without being disgusted; how she can just not think much of him hitting on her after she told him no more. She says she doesnt want to work for or see him every day yet it's me trying to find solutions. I think shes job searching now but it's probably me who should be looking for something new... A new wife...

desertmirage,

This post is now 21 pages in. Your WW has offered to leave her job. What else do you need ? Is it about the money ? You don't have kids.

This is now about you ! What do you want ?

Sam, youre right. I want my wife and i want her to not cheat ever again. I want to be able to trust her.

I get it man ! I wish you the best.

Its me not wanting her to quit and let fuck head off scot free.

How about she gets another job, then she contacts the HR of the former employer about her boss and what happened. Even better, her lawyer sends that letter.

You tell me they won't shit bricks. What do you think is going to happen to her former boss? Is he THAT valued at the company that they would want to risk liability to keep him employed and spend the legal resources for defense of a potential harassment case? This guy must lay golden eggs or something. Whatever.

But if you insist she remain there, and if it is legal in your state, have her carry a VAR at work for that next encounter.

But seriously, desertmirage. Both you and your WW's priority should be getting the hell out of infidelity, not try to find ways to poke that fucktard OM with a "fuck you" stick. Re-evaluate your priorities here.

Get out of infidelity first, THEN figure out if you need a new wife or not.

She says she doesnt want to work for or see him every day yet it's me trying to find solutions. I think shes job searching now

You continue to believe your wife, she says this and that, yet never does anything.

She must understand how serious this shit is.

Has she ever read how to help your spouse heal from the affair or Not Just Friends.

Contact HR tomorrow, write a professional letter and let them know, hand deliver it and have one sent registered mail.

BE proactive for one time.

Desert,

I work with lawyers on a regular basis. They won’t offer you coffee without warning that it might burn your mouth. It’s in their training – they know that despite common sense, tradition and high odds then they can seldom – if ever – guarantee a result and don’t want to give any form of false hope or open themselves up to a malpractice suite.

That’s why attorneys NEVER recommend you expose an affair, despite us old dogs with years of experience in dealing with infidelity KNOWING it’s the absolute best tool to end infidelity. An attorney isn’t interested in ending the affair, he isn’t vested in saving the marriage, he isn’t focusing on what’s best for your marriage. He is focused on HIS job and HIS task: Making sure you don’t do anything that might weaken your legal stance based on how things might progress. Frankly the attorneys motto should be “do no harm” because that is more-or-less what they focus on.

Now – To be fair: I don’t see telling HR about the affair as exposure per se. I see it as an attempt to create conditions that are conductive to YOU being able to focus on reconciliation.

So… What is the attorney thinking: If Mr. and Mrs. Desert expose to HR Mrs. Desert MIGHT be fired. If that happens and the marriage doesn’t work, then Mr. D (the guy who made the appointment and is the prime-customer) might have to pay higher support due to Mrs. D not having a job. Mr. Deserts position will be worse. The attorney will have failed.

I get it when you say you don’t want to tell your wife to leave the job. If you reconcile you want to be a husband and not a warden. I see posts here from spouses here that are constantly monitoring their “reconciled” significant other mileage, bank-account, phone… for years and years. Yes – the days of blind trust are over, but one of the goals of R has to be that some form of accountable trust is created.

We could also create the conditions where your wife leaves her job. We could also talk to HR and OM gets a warning or is fired. We could also leave things like they are and do nothing. Fact is that IF your wife wants to cheat with OM she can. She can get a new job and still see him at lunch. He could get a warning and STILL meet her at the Venus Motel at lunch. Or it could all be over… Your wife could be 100% honest in wanting this over…

Now… Imagine your wife was recovering from alcoholism. She’s just out from 6 weeks of rehab. Shes doing all the right stuff; attending AA, working the steps, changing her patterns, making amends… But… she insists on keeping her job at the high-end liquor store where they sell bespoke whiskey, gin and vodka. High-end stuff and that particular store is the absolute top of her career. She wants to work there because she could make management.

So… the job is in marketing or sales. Really no need for her to drink and theoretically she could do the job as a total teetotaler.

For all you know she is sober. But the simple fact she’s surrounded by booze, has access to samples, has to give samples, has to visit bars and clubs to sell… worries you… Every time she comes home she pretends not to notice you sniff when you kiss her hi. She comes home smelling of gin that got spilt on her blouse and you freak out. On a regular basis you go and search her old storage places where she used to hide a bottle – the laundry basket, behind the flour in the kitchen…

Think you are ideal-husband material? Think living in constant distrust is going to enable you to offer accountable trust?

Even if she is totally honest and completely intent on being sober… YOUR worries will prevent you from reconciling.

And then… One day after an argument… Or one day of weakness… she reaches for OM… sorry – that bottle… And since it’s so close and so accessible… It just happens.

To stick to the alcoholism comparison: Families of alcoholics are told to remove all booze from the home and help the recovering alcoholic by not having booze accessible. So YOU too stop having a beer when you come home and drink soda-water with that T-bone steak. It wont prevent the alcoholic from having a drink if he really wants to. But it does mean he has to get to the store and make the purchase. It takes time and that time is when the alcoholic can change his mind.

You are allowing your wife to work close to her drug. She can be totally committed for 1000 hours but it only takes 10 seconds of nookie to wreck that.

One thing Desert: Does your wife think nobody at the office knows of the affair?

Its me not wanting her to quit and let fuck head off scot free.

I want my wife and i want her to not cheat ever again. I want to be able to trust her.

I think that you need to stop worrying about "fuck head" and focus on your wife.

Fuck head never lied to you. Fuck head never broke any vows to you.

Your wife lied to you. Your wife broke vows.

Maybe I am weird, but I really don't worry about the OM. I worry about his wife some, because she didn't deserve this either.

I really do hope you get what you want, I really do. I know the feeling of wanting your wife back desperately.

My point isn't that you should dump her because she is no good. People make bad choices, they do things they know are wrong. Some people are stronger on some areas of their life than they are in others. That's just one of the facts about being human. People who are willing to do the work and learn about themselves can change and become better people.

My point is that if you put someone in a situation when they have failed, its unreasonable to believe that they won't fail again. Especially if the brokenness from within that weakened their morals and allowed them to fail hasn't been addressed. I think that by her staying in the current job, she is being set up to fail. Yes, she may be stronger this time, but she may not. She has a lot of work to do on herself before she should be put in a place where she is known to fail. If you want this to work, you really need to remove her from her point of failure. You have to find a better solution.

Your wife cheated, that was a choice she made. The OM is a predator and he is on the prowl. He is skilled at convincing, she seems to be weak at resisting. Not a great combination. And I am not trying to lighten what she did at all, she made a conscious choice to cheat. But to keep her in the cage with the lion is extremely risky....

Just my opinion, take it for what its worth..

My husband continued to work with OW after dday. He took a 6 week leave of absence to focus on the marriage and put space between AP and himself but when he went back I was a wreck.

After a month of their continued limited contact - my MC learned I was crying all night while he worked and drinking too much cake vodka. She was furious that my WH didn't know. She told me to pick a date - and if by that date I still was uneasy with their working together - my H would have to quit.

My H cried and bemoaned the loss of his job - where would I work? It's the only employer in town that pays so well. I'm uneducated - where will I work? I have great seniority! My mc said "you should've have shit where you eat."

Well it only took 2 days for my H to come up with a solution to avoid OW completely at work. A solution effective enough for me to feel comfortable working there.

Isn't it a coincidence how there was nothing he could do about OW and their work related contact at the job UNTIL he was facing losing the job? We wrestled with the issue for 2 months until my supportive MC laid down the ultimatum on my behalf - and he solved it in 2 days?

Thanks all, again.

Bigger-Great analogy. Really really good. I get it.

Thanks for all the insight and support over this HUGE thread.

We managed to retrieve a bunch of deleted text messages off of her phone last night. Not all of them but a decent amount. Some are flirty but nothing says that she had an affair. I'm going to push for her to just bring his coming on her to HR. I told her no more working with him, so she either gets another job or tells HR to get moved to a different manager.

You all are so right about this. I think I need to focus more on myself and let her figure herself out. I blew up on her last night that I feel like she isn't taking this stuff from him seriously and that I feel like I'm the one doing all the research and work trying to get her away from her boss while maintaining her current job. She started crying. Idk, MC is tomorrow night. I'm going to bring all this up and hopefully he can tell her in a way that makes sense to her how it's not cool that her boss continues to hit on her after this. I just don't get how she can't see how this is bad enough to do something about.

I'm going to push for her to just bring his coming on her to HR

I told her no more working with him, so she either gets another job or tells HR to get moved to a different manager.

So which is it an ultimatum or a debate? Do you see the double speak first it is "push her" then its "told her". She is using the indecisiveness to delay and buy time. She doesn't want to face the reality of her decisions and actions because it was horrible and ugly.

I think I need to focus more on myself and let her figure herself out.

You can't control her, you can only control yourself.

I feel like she isn't taking this stuff from him seriously

Because she isn't, she wants to paint a not so ugly picture on what happened and maintain the status quo and ignore the problem.. because it will go away right? NOPE!

I feel like I'm the one doing all the research and work trying to get her away from her boss while maintaining her current job

Because you are, and what does that tell you about how she feels about him or her actions?

She started crying

About what? Her choices? Hurting you? Or losing her job? She's an adult what did she think was going to happen when she made the CHOICE to sleep with her boss?

hopefully he can tell her in a way that makes sense to her how it's not cool that her boss continues to hit on her after this

She doesn't want to, so it won't happen. God himself could tell her and she will still drag her feet. She is avoiding herself. Or she is still in the affair.

I just don't get how she can't see how this is bad enough to do something about.

Two possible realities here you pick one;

1. She wants to rug sweep and ignore the problems and feels she can control you and him. Recipe for disaster.

2. She is still engaged in her affair underground or in some sense paused or scaled it back.

This is all hard to hear and I am just posing questions. I have no idea what you and your wife are talking about doing or what is going on behind the posts you leave here. I just know that it has been a few weeks and you are doing awesome and way ahead of where I was that is for sure. I stuck my head in the sand but read and read here till I couldn't deny the reality of the situation anymore and forced change and stood up for my own damn self and demanded the truth.

Your doing fine, relax, breathe, eat, and sleep. Tomorrow will come and so will the next.

You all are so right about this. I think I need to focus more on myself and let her figure herself out. I blew up on her last night that I feel like she isn't taking this stuff from him seriously and that I feel like I'm the one doing all the research and work trying to get her away from her boss while maintaining her current job. She started crying. Idk, MC is tomorrow night. I'm going to bring all this up and hopefully he can tell her in a way that makes sense to her how it's not cool that her boss continues to hit on her after this. I just don't get how she can't see how this is bad enough to do something about.

You seem to be getting impatient with your decision to pursue R or D. Stay patient. You have all of the time in the world to make the decision. There is no clock ticking.

She does not seem to grasp the importance of cutting ties with the OM.

I have a story from a friend of mine who managed to reconcile with her husband after his affair:

The husband was a grade school teacher and he had an affair with another teacher in the school. When the affair was revealed, the WH recognized that he had violated his own value system and he had become a horrible husband. He decided to fix himself on his own. He owned the affair. He let his wife (my friend) decide whether or not she wanted to stay married... he was patient the entire time... and he slept in the basement for six months.

The husband had to keep working with the OW. He told her that it was over. She tried to have lunch with him the next day in the cafeteria and he told her to sit elsewhere. She replied "Hey, we can still be friends." He replied, "No, we cannot still be friends. I can never talk to you again for any reason."

The husband then did something important. He went to his boss and requested a transfer to a different school. He then confessed to the affair and ask the boss to accommodate his need to work with the OM as little as possible.

This is the story of a remorseful wayward spouse who owned the affair and did everything that he needed to do to allow reconciliation to happen.

Your wife needs to report the affair to someone of authority. She needs to be prepared to lose her job over this. She certainly needs to find another job as soon as possible.

Hello. I am so sorry that you are feeling all of this. It is a terrible experience. I am new to this forum but not new to being cheated on and I noticed that you mentioned letting him off "scott free." Six years ago, when my husband first cheated I was devastated. Then I was angry - at her, too. So, I brought every bit of wrath I could muster. I gave meaning to "hell hath no fury..." I was diligent, creative, patient and I decimated her. I took everything. And I regret it now. I feel smaller for having participated in all the hurt. I didn't have a long term plan - it just felt good then. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't even consider punishing 'her.' Not that she was innocent - I just wish I hadn't poured so much emotion and thought into a person who clearly spared none for me. Absolutely, I got 'revenge' but she never got what I wanted her to get from it - she was horrified by the garbage fire I began in her life but she never felt bad about what she had done to ME and that was what I wanted. (I believe she does now that she is married years later, but that is a different story.) I hate that I got sucked into it. I hate that I acted in a small way. I HATE that I ultimately wasn't any better than they were: I acted without regard for anyone's feelings but my own. Did she maybe deserve it? Sure. But I wish I had been the bigger person - I wish had stayed for lack of a better word 'pure' in the whole experience.

I don't know if you are beginning to want some revenge or to make this -let's just say 'jerk' - pay for his crimes. If you are - I get the desire totally. But I would encourage (and I really mean that - this is a god-awful situation! I'm sending my encouragement out through the ether to you) encourage you to remember that years from now you will still absolutely have YOU. Try not to let your wife's terrible decisions allow you to become someone you might later be disappointed in. I would give almost anything to go back and be a better, bigger person.

Sneaker- I really am horrible at getting my thoughts down cohesively, sorry. I meant that she wants to keep her job, and if that's the case she needs to tell HR about his unwanted attention on her because my ultimatum is that she needs to get a new job or not work for him. I hope that makes more sense, if not, idk, haha.

She cried because she feels terrible about the situation and that I was implying she wasn't trying to fix things. I know she is trying, just not enough on the things that matter most; fixing whatever is broken inside her and making sure to get it right at work.

I really don't think she is still in A with him or anyone. She came clean about the whole thing and is very upset at how much it hurt me and our life together. She understands all this and really wants to make it all work. I think you're right when you say she doesn't want to do the hardest part which is take a real hard honest look at herself and see herself for what she is. She knows she did a terrible thing but her telling me that her morals don't line up with her actions just shows me she is in denial. Her morals aren't where she thinks they are. She knows what she is supposed to be doing and what her morals are supposed to be, but plain and simple they aren't.

Barcher- Yeah, she is willing to do these things but she is waiting for me to ask her for them. I really like that this guy sorted his mess out himself and didn't rely on wife to push him to do it. My wife just doesn't see what she needs to be doing and isn't doing anything proactive (in my mind) to figure it out. She hasn't found an awesome community like this to help her, and was only relying on her shit therapist for help. I am definitely trying to force an R or D decision. Idk why I am than just seeing something moving forward. I told her last night as well that I don't see anything changing. She started refuting it because of more openness and book reading, but I cut her off and told her she is still working for her boss, she still doesn't know why she had the affair etc. Nothing is changing!

kntg3344- Thanks and I think I mistyped again. I don't want to destroy his life. I just feel like there is something inherently wrong with her just leaving the company because of all this and he gets to keep managing others and whatnot even though he was more in the wrong (from a workplace perspective) than her. I guess you can call that revenge but I feel like the company should know why she is really leaving. Maybe in her exit interview she brings this up so they know. Idk.

I think that is a fair and logical assessment. What he did as a BOSS was patently wrong. It was in a sense predatory and it could happen again to someone even less equipped than your wife to handle it.

I would just hate for you to experience what I did: bluntly - a driving obsession for revenge that at least temporarily consumed me. It made a miserable time exponentially worse for everyone involved. And while it may not feel like it right now, I think there is a good chance that one day all parties involved here will feel like people to you again one day instead of complete adversaries.

She knows she did a terrible thing but her telling me that her morals don't line up with her actions just shows me she is in denial.

She needs to once and for all understand her morals went out the window and that is where it is at today.

She can make every excuse in the world, including being in denial, that only makes healing for her and you worse. No more denial.

She is with this OM right now, you don't know if behind closed doors or what. Do you know where she goes for lunch?

Have you ever called this OM on the phone to tell him to leave your wife the hell alone?

Do you ever show up at her work for lunch just to take her to lunch?

Her working there is going to continue to be a huge problem. I think you need to talk to HR now and be done with it, but then again, everyone has been telling you that for a long time.

Has she actually been looking for another job?