SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No offense to Lawyers but they have been known to want to keep the clock ticking.

At the end of the day, I think your choice is quite simple:

Importance of her job vs. Importance of your marriage

Idk when she is going to explain the why to me. We spoke about that piece in MC last night and it's the same answer "IDK".

I Dont Know is completely unacceptable. If she doesn't know, then what is going to stop her from doing it again? She needs to figure this out, and that should be the only thing talked about in MC.

As far as the time piece is concerned, I actually disagree. One of the lawyers advised to wait to see if he did anything that would be constituted as sexual harassment and advised to wait a month and see. We are around halfway through that month. He seemed to think that 2 months after the affair ended could be considered good faith.

Yes and no, when you break the rules of the company rule book, they can fire without question.

As for further harassment, that has already happened. How do you know if you wife will tell you again?

Rich, I agree with you completely. This is what I was thinking was a good solution. She can't be terminated for this. She can be terminated for the affair, if they want to. I agree, and she agrees, that they probably won't, but that is the risk.

The previous HR complaint involves his previous report. She was getting plastic surgery done as they had to remove a precancerous mole and he made some sort of comment about the surgery and her breasts. It didn't involve my wife at all.

Craig, I won't know. I told my wife that last night at MC. That's why she needs to report something or get a new job, and do it ASAP. Every day she goes to work, I have to think about this shit. She agreed with me. This whole thing just seemed like a decent way to handle it. I can see what you all are saying about being 100% truthful and whatnot.

She really fucked things up for herself and us and has made this a hopelessly difficult first piece. I don't see how I can heal and start to trust her with her reporting/working with him. Sexual harassment/report A will remove him from her work life and make him not want to be with her any more since he will prob get fired (if A is brought up) or at least removed of his manager position. I think he thinks she doesn't have the stones to do something about this. He has admitted to her that this isn't the first tryst he's had with a co-worker. I think he feels comfortable right now.

Her work situation is problem 1, the other main problem is that if she cannot figure out the why with some guy 20 years older, there is no reason to expect her to not have another affair at a different job.

She needs to fix herself and that starts with her being honest with herself and you and the MC.

The other thing to consider is this - if all goes well with your plan, the OM gets fired, your wife keeps her job - she will work in an environment where everyone knows why. 25 year executive here and I will tell you secrets ALWAYS get out. She will feel this and may even be ostracized as a result. Her misery will impact her performance and probably the happiness of your marriage. I think you both need a new start and since you have been afraid to pull the trigger with HR, she should quit. Give 2 months notice and see what they say. Will buy you time.

Quite honestly, the longer it goes on and the more doctoring you both have tried to do with the truth, it's getting increasingly unlikely she will have a "case". Mark my words, if there's anything fishy with your wife's story they will likely protect OM because there's greater likelihood of him suing for wrongful termination

Thanks Markone. You all may be right about her just getting a new job. It's going to force us to move is all.

Craig- I agree completely with your assessment that it could happen again. The whole thing doesn't make a lot of sense. She brought up some unhappiness in our marriage but apparently nothing bad enough to bring up to me before she cheated (unhappy with sex life, "boring" conversations, lack of involvement from both of us on working on our marriage and relationship/taking it all for granted). I can see how these would make her unhappy but it's the decision to cheat and then continue cheating for months that perplexes me.

I'm off topic though. I need her to get her work shit sorted so I can stop thinking about that piece and move on to us.

It usually comes down to this - the AP provides the antidote to the perceived gaps in the marriage. In your case, he's senior, "accomplished", slick, and they connect through work. While you're stuffing her dirty underwear into the washer, he's charming her at business dinners free of any responsibility, wooing her with preferential treatment, being a listening ear to what matters to her (career).

I think moving is a small price to pay to get her out of the toxic environment that put you here

Moving is not an easy option, you would leave your dad high and dry and there is no assurance you wife wont have other affairs.

She needs to fix herself right now.

Figure out what to do with HR.

Has your wife said anything else about the OM, have they had another meeting behind closed doors and why are they the only two in these meetings.

Talking to HR is probably the best bet and go from there, HR already has a file on this guy.

She might get fired and she might not. But her quitting is already an option, so talking to HR is the best option at this time.

I am not a lawyer, BUT, the company already has a file on this boss and what he does with employees, and the other woman that complained was not fired.

This boss is the problem and the company knows that.

So if the option is that she just quits or files a complaint with HR, I would do HR and see what happens.

Just tell HR she doesn't want anything else to do with this boss and no more traveling where he is concerned at the least.

Last comment for now-

as a father, it would kill me to know my son went through this and one of his obstacles was his feeling like he's betraying his Dad by having to leave the firm. Trust your Dad to put you first.

Thanks Markone, I know that's how it would be, but I still would be making it difficult for him. We are only three people at the moment and I handle all of our marketing, most of our sales/design work and project manage at least half of our projects. It would be a HUGE burden if I leave. I haven't told my parents about this because if we R I don't want them judging her or our marriage.

Craig- It was easy for my wife's coworker to report because she did nothing wrong. All she did was have to listen to her boss talk about her breasts when she was going through surgery for a mole on her face. It's a completely different situation. I agree with you that he will get fired if she reports A, but just because they know he's trouble, doesn't mean they won't fire my wife either. These things aren't mutually exclusive, she very well may get fired with him if she reports.

I don't know what you do for a living or where you live, but where we live, she would either have to have a HUGE commute or we would have to move for her to get a job similar to what she has now. As Markone said, it very well could/is in hers and my best interest to just move and get a new start, but honestly, at this point, I don't think I am ready to commit that much (hurting my family/family business) to her. I need her to remover herself from her boss atm and see how things progress from there before I move somewhere completely new with her. If we move somewhere and she cheats again, I'll be even worse than I am now (and I'm fucking miserable).

Does she have EAP at her workplace? If so, can she use/or is she using that for IC?

EAP? Do you mean free counseling? They have something via phone (if that's what you mean) but we have tons of $$ in our HSA, so if she wanted IC it should be no problem.

For financial reasons you really dont have many choices. Tell HR and take your chances. Your wife can never travel with this boss again.

You can monitor your wife with a VAR in the car and a GPS at this time.

I say that because she is not trustworthy because of her ridiculous IDK answers. You can't even trust your wife if the OM comes on to her again.

Start saving money on your own so you can escape if she does this again.

Yeah, the travel with her boss is not going to happen. She told him no more already (before I even asked). Yeah, if I need to get out, I can. It's more if we stay together and she loses her job that would be the financial drain. I can move in with my parents and we can at least sell our house for what we bought it for (was a fixer up that we fixed up) relatively quickly. If I have to shoulder the entire mortgage, I can, but again, would really suck.

I stepped back and have just read the last few pages and let others post ideas. I get the financial and family issues your wife has made a complete nightmare. And I hear you are definitely trying to make this work for you and of course her.

So I can offer a maybe clearer path forward as an option.

Temporarily of course;

1. She works day and night on her why's, start with an absolute timeline of the events, then journaling may help. Explore how the "issues" she spoke of were not true issues because the fantasy land and attention was directed to her AP and not her marriage. How a real relationship should have worked on marital issues.

2. For your sanity and absolute truth about events and contact. Schedule a polygraph to not only test her authenticity but establish a base line to build from.

3. Establish a no contact letter to the AP discuss what is required for work and what is no acceptable. Tell him in this letter NO PRIVATE MEETINGS or DOOR CLOSED SETTINGS. Ensure he knows you will report any further advances as unwanted to HR or via a federal sexual harassment complaint.

4. Tell your wife what are your requirements for openness and transparency. And that there is absolutely no exceptions.

5. Your wife attend IC to dig into her WHY's.

6. You setup a schedule of future polygraph appointments to ensure the communication is being on the up and up and she is trustworthy. Maybe every other month and then quarter, etc..

7. She actively explores changing positions within the company to move away from department or another job in the interim.

Have the NC letter delivered to him via certified mail maybe even an attorney could send it (third party). That way if you have to report the future harassment to HR there is a paper trail in her favor and shows her being an adult and trying to move on and he is being the problem child.

Although I support her telling HR and seeing what comes and allowing HR to ensure NC at work because he is in her face daily and it is such a risk of relapse A. I can tell after a few pages of members trying to help it is just not going to be a solution so I say go with polygraphs. Still feels like a bandaid but it is something.

P.S. Polygraph is not 100% science but the fear can be a big motivator for her to toe a straight line while she works on herself.

I think HR has to be told SOMETHING. Whether it ends up being everything or just pieces, I can't let her work with him any longer. He made it very clear that he is available if she'd like and her turning him and herself into HR will make her very much less attractive to him and him less attractive to her (still don't get it beyond what Markone wrote).

I really do think I have gotten the full story from her about events and timeline. It does kind of make sense that she drew the line in the sand about sex after she sobered up that night. She's fucked up but something made her make that a boundary she didn't want to cross again. I believe her about this.

I agree she needs to dig more into the whys. Her IDK can't be the ultimate answer, because she does know, just won't admit it. It's prob just she was bored and like the attention more than our marriage at the time, but she needs to realize it and tell me.

The polys idk about (there it is again, IDK). Like I said, I really do believe she is telling me everything and I think she is seeing him for what he is. Once HR removes her from him (or him of his job) I can't see why he would want to go near her or even talk to her again.

I don't have any advice Bc I was recently in this category too but at least she seems sorry, my husband shows no remorse and idk what's worse!

I haven't told my parents about this because if we R I don't want them judging her or our marriage.

This is also a mistake.

Frankly, if my current wife ever cheated on me, part of my stipulations/requirements for reconciliation would be for her to go to my parents and confess what she had done, then ask for forgiveness.

This is a prime example of what I am talking about when I say you are shielding her from consequences and carrying her through reconciliation.

Why would she do any of the work to R when you are doing it for her?

Stop white knighting her and let her own her own shit.

I don't think they would ever forgive her, honestly. I really disagree with that. If I want to forgive her, why should I have to put up with others not wanting to; judging us. I have told only people I feel wouldn't judge her or me (2 of my close friends and then all of you lovely people :) ).