SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know the steps that need to be taken.

The thing that bothers me most about my situation is that I thought we had a near perfect marriage. I had friends and family tell me all the time how envious they were of our marriage. My wife and I would talk about other people marriages all the time and wonder how they made it work at all and wouldn't be surprised if it ended. And yet here I am. It really is hard to wrap my mind around.

I know she was just deflecting saying that our marriage hasn't been good for years and she was unhappy. That she didn't realize any of this till recently.....until she met the OM.

This would be so much easier (although still hard) if our marriage was one of arguing all the time and not getting along. What is hard is knowing that she allowed a 3rd party individual to mess up something that I thought was a very special relationship/marriage.

I can honestly say that I love my wife more today (well at least a few weeks ago) than I did the day we got married. She is/was not only my wife but my best friend. This is going to be the hardest part of letting go.

MH2

I could've written what you have written word for word when i first found out.....sorry but she has shown you who she is now. She isn't the person you thought she was. If you bear that in mind it might help you to let go.....having said which Im still struggling with this 6 months out!

((( )))

"She said she hasn't been happy for years however she didn't know that until she met this guy. She keeps saying that she lost herself as a person and needs to find herself again."

You and I are living the same life right now... well kind of. My husband has realized that this thing with the OW is not realistic but it has opened his eyes to see that he was "missing something". He keeps telling me that he just needs space and time away from me to figure out what he really wants in life. I have found that the 180 (in the healing library) is helping me. He has noticed a change. In the beginning I definitely did the "pick me" dance and it grew old fast. He has stated that he feels nothing for me right now... that he can't feel a whole lot at the moment. I suggest trying the 180 and showing her that your life is just fine without her. I know exactly how you are feeling and the wait is painful. It's like you're in the car with them and their driving it right off the cliff and there's nothing that you can do to stop the car....and you just hope that they realize what they're doing before she drives right off the cliff. Hang in there. Seek individual counseling for yourself... it is helping me. Remember that this is NOT your fault. Love is a choice, we make our own decisions. I've chosen to wait it out until my husband figures himself out...and if that ends up being without me. So be it. At least I know that I didn't push him to that decision.

[This message edited by BrokenPanda at 12:30 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

BrokenPanda,

Thank you for you message. You are correct I must show her that I am going to be fine without her. I wish I could go back to D-day and change my whole reaction. I wonder if I would be different place right now. I'm afraid my reaction ended up pushing her to the OM. (of course no one thinks to research how they should react on D-day)

She was/is concerned that I can never trust her again and that is one of the reasons she can't work it out with me. Trust can't be build overnight, and I'm not sure she will acknowledge that. It is certainly something I am will to work on.

Where do I start. I am 37 and my wife is 38. We have been married for 7 years and together for 11.

I could be wrong but sure seems like a lot of these stories w/ WW's happen around this age and duration of of marriage. My observation (and personal experience).

We have no children.

This certainly makes a divorce less complicated should things go that route. Clean break. Blessing in disguise.

She said she hasn't been happy for years

I think, literally, every single cheater says these exact words...every time.

She was/is concerned that I can never trust her again and that is one of the reasons she can't work it out with me. Trust can't be build overnight, and I'm not sure she will acknowledge that. It is certainly something I am will to work on.

More cheater speak.....it's complete bullshit. She doesn't want to work on anything because she is in the affair.

[This message edited by Sybo at 12:55 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

I'm afraid my reaction ended up pushing her to the OM.

Would you mind elaborating on this thought?

She was/is concerned that I can never trust her again and that is one of the reasons she can't work it out with me.

Cheater translation:

"If I were to think about coming back, I wouldn't want to have to accept any consequences. You're not worth me having to go through that".

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:05 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

I'm afraid my reaction ended up pushing her to the OM.

Would you mind elaborating on this thought?

D-day was crazy as I am sure it is for everyone else. We talked and talked and talked....pretty much all night long. I thought we were on the road to recovery the next day.

The plan was for her to work half a day (this day was also my birthday) tell the OM that it couldn't continue and come home and start working this out.

During that morning we send a couple of nice text back and forth. She sent a new job that she had applied for. So I thought great this may just work out. I have another 5 or 6 jobs that would be good for her and emailed them her way to her personal email address. That upset her because she said I was making her phone blow up during a meeting.

I asked if she had talked to the OM and ended it yet? She said no she was waiting on him to get out of a meeting. We she finally did leave I noticed that the two of them had stop on the side of a rural road for at least 45 mins (i was tracking her phone) I was starting to get concerned so I sent her a text asking if she was ok. I didn't know what the reaction from the OM was going to be. She said that I interrupted with the text and she wasn't able to say everything she needed to say.

She then started to make her way home but she stop at a parking lot about a half mile from the house and stayed there for a 1.5 hours talking to a friend for advice. I sent her 3 or 4 text just asking her to come home so we could continue or conversation. When she got home she was quite angry that I still tracking her. That's when said that it was over and she couldn't do it anymore (being married to me) because I would never trust her and she would always feel like I was watching her every move.

So from the time she left for work that morning and the time she got home the script was completely flipped.

Does your parents and her parents know she has moved out and why?

If I were you, since you have the information, I would call his ex and find out what you can and let her know why you are calling.

Is your goal to reconcile with your wife? Undecided ? Divorce? The advice you get here can be different depending on what you want.

The easiest way to get out of infidelity is to go shock and awe on the two cheaters. Cheaters hate sunlight even more than cockroaches.

[This message edited by Chappie at 2:21 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

You're first step.....which you can take ASAP.... is to expose this A to both of your families and all of your friends.

Then while she is reeling from her phone and social media being blown up by these people asking her what the fuck is going on.....hit her with the D filing, including demands for exclusive use of the marital home (which she abandoned) and temporary spousal support since her income is so much higher than your due to you leaving your career recently to support HER career move.

Only discuss D proceeding with her after this.....unless she comes back a snot blowing, blubbering mess begging for another chance.

If she responds with nastiness and threats.....calmly tell her that if she decides to go this route, you will expose the A to her company and POSOM, as her boss, can probably kiss his job goodbye and her career will be forever tainted (they are unlikely to fire the subordinate in these situations for fear of sexual harassment claims.....but she will be dead-ended in that company going forward more than likely)

I would calmly tell her she fell for this shitbag's promises of helping her career shoot to the moon.....but how would that fantasy play out if you blew their world up at the company?

The threat of exposing her at work will probably make sure she plays nice in a D.....and might send the cockroach OM scurrying for cover because he will realize his ass is hanging in the wind with HR as her boss.

Blowing up Fantasyland by exposing to all friends and family and filing for D are your STRONGEST moves right now to actually have a chance of saving your M.

Reread Plan Nine's posts over again.....

Do this ASAP!!!

Does your parents and her parents know she has moved out and why?

My dad does and has been very supportive. I'm not sure what she has told her Mom....if anything.

Is your goal to reconcile with your wife? Undecided ? Divorce? The advice you get here can be different depending on what you want.

Right now my goal is to reconcile. We have built quite the life together of the past 11 years. I am willing to put in the work. The question is will she ever be ready? She is still in the fog.

I'm afraid if I contact his Ex the first thing she would do is contact him. At that point I feel it would be game over on any reconciling.

I know I can't nice my way into getting her back. but I really feel like I am between a rock and hard place.

I'm afraid if I contact his Ex the first thing she would do is contact him. At that point I feel it would be game over on any reconciling.

I know I can't nice my way into getting her back. but I really feel like I am between a rock and hard place.

I'm not a fan of contacting the ex...she's likely out of his life and won't wanna be bothered. I dunno....that's ur call. But the "game over" statement is a mindset you need to break out of asap. You can't walk on eggshells or be "afraid" to piss ur wife off. She left you for another man !! Get tough !!!

Here's an old SI gem...read it:

Here's your checklist

You

1. Feel your life has imploded

2. Are devastated

3. Cannot understand how to survive the next day

4. Desperately want to save the marriage

5. Believe you love your spouse

6. Have something in your gut telling you your spouse should be doing more

7. Feel like you would "know" if they were completely remorseful and just don't feel it.

Them

1. Are defensive

2. Do what you ask, but only because you get so upset.

3. Don't go above and beyond, don't amaze you with how much they do to help you

4. Get angry or defensive

5. Use any of the following

. I'm confused

. I don't know if I love you

. I need to find myself

. You're being too demanding

. I probably had the affair because you....

If they above rings true, divorce should at least be on your agenda of options.

Right then I suppose I'd better justify this.

Look, why would you stay married to such a person? not only did they devastate you, but they are continuing to hurt you. There's no reason to be married to a person like that! You want to be married to someone that protects you, treasures you, loves you, and makes you feel loved. The person you thought existed didn't. that person is selfish, cruel, heartless. They are a liar, an adulter. Who wants to be married to a loser like that? What they have done is perfectly reasonable grounds for divorce. so do it. Divorce them immediately.

You have to accept the reality of your wayward spouse's situation. They are confused about whom they love, whom they want to be with. The worst case scenario is that they will continue the affair, and because the affair is addictive, and makes them feel good, they will do this in all situations possible, no matter what the effect on you is. You are probably thinking that your situation is different. It really isn't. If the worst case scenario doesn't happen then your spouse is going to exist in a sort of limbo, not knowing where to turn. All this time your soul will be dying because you will not be able to comprehend that the person you love didn't come running back into your arms once you caught them or the affair was exposed. It does happen, but it's very, very rare. Much more likely is that you will both exist in a limbo, not knowing what will happen next, or how to move forward. The WS will be confused, and the BS will be utterly devastated. This shit needs to end, and it will ONLY end when the BS says it ends. If your WS says they need time, or distance, or space. If they say they are confused, they are lost, they "regret" the affair, or "reg that you got hurt" then they DO NOT GET WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO YOU and will NOT get it until you put your foot down and say enough. It's terrible enough to be the victim of infidelity, but the sad reality is that somehow you have to dredge up the strength to fight for you spouse if you want them back, despite what they have done to you. Fighting means tough love. It means putting an end to their nonsense. It means waking them up to what they are about to realise. Or even letting them go if they do not wake up. It means instigating divorce proceedings.

Beginning divorce proceedings has a number of benefits for you

1. Self Respect.

Infidelity trashes your self respect. Claim some back by taking control of the situation. Now the relationship is taking a path YOU have defined, that YOU are in control of. As a new BS you will crave control, crave rationality. Beginning a divorce will give you this control.

2. A bullshit time limit

An unremorseful wayward spouse is a nasty piece of work. They will lie, manipulate, and continue to betray you. They will protect themselves and their lover at your expense, and the expense of any children. They will tell you everything you need to hear, but only when you drag it out of them in agony. They will be difficult, argumentative, angry and defensive. Basically, they are unpleasant people. Critically, they will CONTINUE to be unpleasant people until YOU do something about it. They will sit on the fence, wrapped up in their own feelings, whilst your soul dies. You may think that YOUR spouse is different. They arn't. beginning divorce proceedings puts a finite time limit on their bullshit. They can lie to you, make you feel like YOU are the bad guy, give you every excuse in the book as to why they are not stepping up and fixing the marriage, but the clock is ticking.When they clock expires, you are free of all teir bullshit and can start the healing process.

3. Vision

A BS's world is very dark. We wonder how to survive today, never mind tomorrow. There appears to be no future. We can see no life without misery. We can see no freedom, no light, no smiling, no joy. All ahead is dark. Start divorce proceedings. Now you have a future. It may not be the future you had ever hoped for, but it's a future. Sometime to aim for, something to plan for. Something that will force you to get some sleep so you can organise your life.

4. Healing

If you are with an uremorseful wayward spouse, things are going to get worse, not better. You are certainly not going to start healing. that happens when they become remorseful, or you are free of them.

so divorce the bastards. They are not worth being married to.

However.

Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe that pathetic excuse for a spouse isn't the limit of their potential. Maybe they have it within them to actually be the person you thought they were. Hell. Maybe they can be MORE than you or they ever thought. The wayward spouses on here who are remorseful are incredibly self aware, rounded human beings. They stand no nonsense. They examine themselves for their faults relentlessly. They make you want to stand up and applaud. They make you want to be a better man. Wouldn't it be nice if you were married to a person like that. THAT would be fucking awesome. Well, remember why you fell in love. you believe that person is worth more, or you wouldn't still be reading this post. Filing for divorce MIGHT just make them

1. Realise what they are about to lose

2. Take a long hard look at themselves

3. Recognise that their bullshit, lying, and manipulating is pointless, because the clock just keeps ticking.

there are countless tales on here, including my own, where nothing happened until the BS retook control of the relationship. The WS sat on the fence happily destroying the BS, wrapped up in their own little drama, UNTIL the BS decided they had had enough and took control.

So, you start divorce proceedings. what are the possible outcomes.

1. They sort themselves out and start to "get it"

Keep the proceedings going until you are damn sure you have someone who is remorseful, not someone who is just playing up to get you to stop. You can always restart the process. In the UK its awesome because there are several points where you can basically press the "pause" button, and then start it rolling again. However, if they really do realise what they have lost and start to fight for it, then you can kill the process. That's what happened for me, and I'm convinced it's what a lot of people need to be doing.

2. They get angry and leave

Wave them goodbye with a smile. Good riddance - all you have done is start a process you would have to have gone down in the end anyway, so all that's happened is that you have shortcutted the process, saved yourself from tolerating their craziness, and retaken control of your life. Hell, they may even come crawling back. It happens. what happens after that is of course, up to you.

3. They continue lying and cheating

Well, sounds like a good reason to divorce someone to me.

Look, I am VERY pro marriage. I believe that with a remorseful wayward spouse, and a forgiving Betrayed Spouse, marriages can be stronger and more fulfilling than they ever were before the affair, because neither partner is now taking the other for granted. Both are working at the marriage. I would rather get to that point without the agony of betrayal, but hey. However, I am NOT pro foggy remorseful spouse. It breaks my heart to read post after post from betrayed spouses who have just been stabbed in the heart and still have the courage to want to save their marriage, whilst their WS is still in foggy lala land. It's sickening. Nothing ever changed until the BS retakes control, so when I say "divorce them", what I really mean is "retake control of your life, and put time limit on the pain".

so, if you are with an unremorseful spouse, who is hurting you, think about divorcing them. It's an acknowledgement of the reality of the situation you have been forced into. It doesn't have to go the full term, but either way it's a win win situation.

People always say "dont make any rash decisions for six months". But that is assuming both people are back on board. If your spouse is still hurting you by lying, minimising, getting angry or defensive, then no-one expects you to put up with that for six months. you're being emotionally abused. Put a stop to it. Give it a time limit.

I love my wife with all my heart. However, I wish I had started divorce proceedings against her the moment I realised she was not remorseful. We might have made it, we might not, but I would not have been put through six weeks of hell that he left me far more traumatised than the original affair did. If you love them, then be prepared to let them go. It's your best shot at getting them back.

good post!

I read your post about Dday and wanted to comment. First off your reaction was completely normal. So she was angry because you were tracking her when she was supposed to be breaking it of with the OM alone? Im going to call bullshit on that. And as far as your text interupting wher so she couldnt say what she needed to say. I m gonna call bs on that as well. You did not push her toward the OM. The reality is she didnt want to break it off with him and used those as excuses . She spent time talking to her friend because her friend was telling her what she wanted to hear and she knew it.

I am so sorry you are in this position , but this isnt your fault at all. So many here thought they had a good marriage until they didnt . Waywards are so good at re writing marital history to make them feel better. My wife even accused me of cheating on her! WTF. You are headed in the right direction. Filing for divorce will make this all real to her .It wont be a fantasy any longer . Exposing to her family and friends will help hammer it home.

Here is a question for everyone.

If she really want the marriage to end how come she hasn't taken any steps to end it.

She has already left the house/ staying with a friend. Staying up late (normally is early to bed) going out drinking (not like her) riding motorcycles all over the place. (however that's other story)(she had a one when we first met, she sold it, I told her I didn't want her to have one because I love her and it was too dangerous.....been a sticking point for years....more than I knew)

She was pissed you were tracking her because she is still in the affair. Prepare for the affair to go deep underground, my friend.

She was pissed you were tracking her because she is still in the affair. Prepare for the affair to go deep underground, my friend.

Unfortunately it already has. looking at everything I can see whats going on. Phone records, credit card transactions. She went days without spending any money. I'm not dumb I know who is buying the meals.

I talk to the lawyer on Monday and go from there I guess.

At this point I would file as soon as possible. That will tell you where her head is at and you will be taking steps to protect yourself, seperating finances , etc.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 3:12 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

At this point I would file as soon as possible. That will tell you where her head is at and you will be taking steps to protect yourself, seperating finances , etc.

Very good point.

On the humorous side of all of this(if there is one)......in the past 2 weeks we have spent a lot less money than we normally do......Do you think the OM will pay for my meals too?

If she really want the marriage to end how come she hasn't taken any steps to end it.

Cheating & Leaving were pretty big steps I'd say. But I know you mean legally...and that's easy enough to answer.

1) She keeps you dangling as her back-up plan (plan b) if OM doesn't work out.

2) Why go through the hassle & expense of divorce when she can have her boyfriend and no consequences right now? It's called cake-eating

3) Ultimately you'll file and she can say "look, I didn't end the marriage...HE did.

...wayward behavior is oddly both scripted and predictable.