SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

...we came to the conclusion that my personality type would most likely be unable to fully begin healing until I was able to get some sense of justice.

What are you? 8 years old?

A fucked-up, doomed-to-failure attempt to exact revenge is not justice by any stretch of the imagination.

And you're happy about what you've done? I wonder what the mods will say to that. I have a good idea what the remorseful WSes will say, though.

When the BS becomes a MH, they aren't changing the rules of the relationship. They're abiding by the ones that the WS unilaterally decided on.

First of all, that is not how open marriages work. Second, so if the BS discusses this with the original WS and they agree to have an open marriage, that is different, and not a RA. Third, so does the original WS get to continue to fuck their AP? Because that is how "Open Marriages" work. Fourth, because the WS broke vows doesn't somehow invalidate your personal vow. A vow is a vow. Because someone else chooses to dishonor themselves by breaking a vow they made doesn't absolve you from your vow. Look, the vow wasn't "I promise to be faithful until you fuck someone else." At least, that isn't the vow we/I made.

A justification is a justification is a justification. In the 7 years I have been here at SI this RA subject has come up countless times. The only "reasons" that people who are pro RA can come up with are justifications. There wasn't a justification for our WS's to have an affair and there is no justification for BS's to have an affair.

eta: to add something I left out

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:23 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Hurtpenguin has made one post on this thread and not responded since, and I don't see how yet another revenge affair debate thread will help him.

Can we as responders table the pros/cons of a revenge affair thread to look more in depth of the questions he has that have resulting from it?

The cat is out of the bag, and that sucker is too feral to go back in without some tranquilizer.

And HP, I'd like to apologize for my last post, as it didn't do anything to actually address your question.

I think that honesty about this is a double edged sword. Telling her has the CHANCE of being a way for you both to enter into a more honest relationship. It also has the RISK of imploding your relationship.

With regards to the marriage, I don't know that it would necessarily be a good or bad thing to proceed with. If telling her causes the relationship to be more open, it could also inspire a greater level of commitment towards reconciliation. At the length of your relationship, you two have been together for longer than some others have been married.

On the other hand, if telling her causes the relationship to implode, then it answers the marriage question altogether.

1

My foremost suggestion for you is to ensure that you have equal parenting rights no matter what. If open and honest marriage is the outcome from telling her, then it's moot.

BUT if the relationship implodes, you don't want her, and you do want to get sucked into a game of keepaway with the kids as the pawns.

2

Perhaps also look into a prenuptual agreement with an infidelity clause?

Don't worry I am still here. Just let me pick myself up off the floor. I admit I did anticipate the beatdown this thread turned into (although warranted). I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read and respond (esp those who have read through my personal story and previous thread).

First and foremost, I want to make it clear that my IC ABOLUTELY DID NOT ENDORSE an RA. She ha been invaluable in helping me navigate the total destruction of he life I've worked so hard to build, and to begin to understand the person who brought this nightmare into our lives. As someone who was never very emotionally in-tune, she has helped immensely in helping me process my own feelings and emotions. I was very skeptical about therapy, as well as having a female therapist, however I am thankful to have found her. She also is unaware of the RA (our last session was last Thursday which I called to schedule BEFORE my bachelor party), but I have yet to lie to her in any way and will inform her at my next session (tomorrow). Throughout our sessions we have come to the realization that I am someone who ( like Randy ) believes actions should have consequences. This has been a reoccurring theme in IC and MC, and what we have concluded was one of the last real barriers standing between me and the path to forgiveness of my WW.

I also did not make this thread to "brag", merely to get feedback on the new position I find myself in, and hopefully find ways to extricate myself. I apologize if it came off as such.

I completely understand why many who posted agree we should not marry. However this is one train that is almost in the station. Had I wanted to halt the marriage I would have done so in April after DDay, not 4 weeks prior to the wedding. Anyone who has read the previous thread and my profile should be able to understand my situation, not necessarily agree with, but understand.

Last point I'd like to make is regarding my AP. I understand how she can be viewed as innocent victim drawn into a toxic relationship by some lying POS. I do. But I didn't meet this girl in church class. It was a swipe app. She actively pursued me, I just lowered my once healthy boundaries. I did not trick her into following me into my panel van. After a few days of chat and one meeting she invited me into her bed. Maybe she is using me? Who knows. The hookup/dating game seems a lot more casual than I remember it being, and hat is not my fault. Does it make me feel a little better to know I am desirable outside of my current relationship? Yes. Is this the life that I really want? No idea. Part of me thought the RA would give me clarity, but I still don't know how to feel.

In any case, again, I am thankful for the insight from this community. I am still struggling with what to do. I feel guilty that I do not feel as shameful as I would have expected. I agree I will have to come clean sooner than later, and that his can't continue for much longer. I can only hope the extra shit I shoveled into shitheap is not something hat we can overcome.

Serious question: no matter how close before the wedding, why do you think, in light of the fact that you now have both cheated, and your fiancée doesn't even know about your cheating, that you are in any way, shape or form in a position to get married? Seriously.

Are you still financially dependent on your fiancee?

So..the wedding is going to happen because you want it to. Maybe you should tell your fiancee what you did,and see if she agrees.

You took away the option from your AP to make a choice on whether she wanted to be an OW or not. Maybe she wouldn't care, but you took away her choice. As I posted earlier: despicable. You know, I lived through the "Free Love" decade and had casual sex partners, however, I always tried my best to make sure that my partner was single and to the best of my knowledge they were. I wouldn't want to be an OW.

I don't feel Randy is unique here at SI. We, in general, believe that actions do have consequences. However, the consequences don't have to be you fucking someone else. Remorseful WS's suffer consequences that we don't see and really "get" as we are BS's. You aren't remorseful so you don't feel what a remorseful WS feels. If having an affair was the way to heal from infidelity there would be many books titled "Fuck Your Way to Healing From Infidelity". IC's and MC's first option for healing would be "Go out and fuck someone else!" because if it worked it honestly would be the easiest way to heal.

You are a stay at home dad that doesn't have protection of a marriage. I don't know what your legal rights are. I would speak to a lawyer, I suppose, before you tell your spouse to be. As much as that disgusts me to advise not to be forthcoming, I do believe you are still entitled to your rights as a father and support if you don't get married. I don't know if you would be treated fairly otherwise than married. I would want to make sure that you have some legal protection. Yeah, too bad you are all worried about your situation now and not before you cheated. Wouldn't have to worry about this then, would you? P.S. Hey, hurtpenguin actions, meet hurtpenguin consequences.

Sorry I am being harsh but I refuse to coddle someone who deliberately set out to hurt someone and to be unfaithful. Wrong when your fiancé did it, wrong for you.

eta: to clarify

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:56 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Tell your fiance about the affair or swipe fuck, whatever it was, ASAP. I really think you both are completely nuts getting married in the midst of all this. You really need to get through this before you tie the knot. You're setting yourself up for failure. But hell maybe you can get some nice spousal support after you both end up in divorce.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 7:32 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Last point I'd like to make is regarding my AP. I understand how she can be viewed as innocent victim drawn into a toxic relationship by some lying POS. I do. But I didn't meet this girl in church class. It was a swipe app. She actively pursued me, I just lowered my once healthy boundaries. I did not trick her into following me into my panel van. After a few days of chat and one meeting she invited me into her bed. Maybe she is using me? Who knows. The hookup/dating game seems a lot more casual than I remember it being, and hat is not my fault.

Wow...victim blaming. Way to not accept responsibility for your choice to lie to her. It's okay to use somebody and lie to them if they don't have the same level of morals that you do? Except in this case, she did have the same morals you do, so how do you get to judge her?

She has quickly grown fond of me and is someone who I share a lot in common with. She also has young children, and is unaware of my current relationship status.

Post edited:

ooops, I thought she was AWARE of your relationship status. Damn - you're really racking up the victims aren't you? But as long as YOU feel better, then it's worth it right?

[This message edited by sassylee at 7:40 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

I feel guilty that I do not feel as shameful as I would have expected

Why is this surprising? You're an adulterer now. If you'd held tight to your moral compass, you would never have made this choice. This is the common mindset of unremorseful waywards.

...and I guess women on dating apps want to be OW's?? Because you met her on an app and she enjoys sex then she's cool with being an affair partner?

I haven't read the whole thread, but count me as some one who feels that once fidelity is gone it's gone. Period. And that starts with the original WS. Everything else is just collateral damage.

But I didn't meet this girl in church class.

<sarcasm>Ohhhh so this makes it perfectly acceptable, because you know, she's a whore who pursued you....</sarcasm>

She's probably pretty wounded behind the end of her own relationship. You're familiar with how much pain a relationship can actually cause right?

You have a shit ton of justification to wade through which I know from experience is not easy to break. You've thought about this since DDay actually, you've said as much. You planned it - stroked your own ego and acted on.

Now that your wedding is looming large on the horizon you are not even brave enough to face your BF with your own behavior partly because you know it will not withstand her pain. You will lose your moral high ground with her and guess what, you'll both be equal - the root cause of each other's greatest pain. That's what you set out to accomplish, btw, and hooray you were successful.

Put half the effort into facing what you've done as you did in getting there. Hell, forget your AP, you clearly have no remorse there since she's a whore (in your eyes), at least give your BF a head's up on your score keeping.

Penguin, have you considered delaying the wedding until you can sort out your emotions?

I won't judge you for the RA, hell I understand. It is a hot button topic around here.

Marriage is a serious thing though. It's a lifelong commitment that can include children. Do you really want to start something like that with all of the drama going on in your life?

It's a lifelong commitment that can include children.

They have children.

Are you getting any of this? You are no better than your, fiancée. What now does she have to prove to you? You are preparing to stand before witnesses and vow your love and FIDELITY and, this innocent woman you have brought into your drama has NO idea that you simply used her has an end to a means of "getting even".

I think May BS think of RA's but, actually actually acting on it is a level of disgust for most of us. I can't actually conceive the idea that getting that kind of revenge would make anyone feel "better" because, you have lost your moral high ground and, in by doing so, involved an innocent party into the mix.

I really hope you can do the right thing and tell both women how badly you messed up. This could change everything for the woman you are planning to pledge your faithfulness to and, the woman whose heart will be shatter d when she realizes that she was used for your revenge.

So wrong on so many counts.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 8:03 PM, September 14th, 2017 (Thursday)]

I am still struggling with what to do.

I think you know what to do. Tell your fiance, tell the OW (regardless of how you met and hooked up, you lied to her by not telling her you are weeks away from being married; you allowed her to believe you were someone you are not). Own what you've done. And be man enough to accept the consequences, whatever they may be.

Dude... Divorce fucking sucks. Legally and logistically, it's a Metric fuckton harder to get out of a marriage than it is to stop one before it happens, even four weeks before you're supposed to tie the knot. From what you've posted, neither of you are currently marriage material, and you're modeling this dysfunction for your children.

If I were to suppose you gave a shit about my advice, I would say you should end both of these relationships, be single for a while, and work with your counselor to figure out why you think it's OK for you to rationalize indefensible behavior and to dehumanize another person based on how you met her.

[This message edited by h0peless at 8:25 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Ah hell. I am so sorry to hear this news. I commend you for being truthful about it and confessing/letting us know. I think that you know that you need to tell your WF and do it ASAP. Just think about it. You really cannot go through with this wedding while you're hiding a secret this size. If you want any chance of having this marriage work, of finding your way to a safe partnership between you and your WF, you have to sit her down and tell her the truth.

And no matter where you met your AP, be it in church, at the local bar, or via a hook-up app, she deserved and deserves the truth of your relationship status. Lying to get into someone's pants, essentially to use and manipulate them into a false "lay," if you will, is not the action of an honorable man. You took her choice of being an unknowing OW away from her. You simply made her one. Just like your WF took your choice of being in an exclusive relationship away from you. Just think about that and let it sit for a while. You're acting in the manner of the person who tore your life up. You made the decision to lie to get into someone's pants. You know that this isn't right.

Had I wanted to halt the marriage I would have done so in April after DDay, not 4 weeks prior to the wedding

But this isn't your exclusive choice anymore. You may not want to halt the wedding because of your actions, however by not giving your WF the truth of your actions, you take away her right to choose to marry or not. You are, IMO, setting yourself up for a failed marriage. You have a chance to jointly, work through all of the betrayals and form a partnership that is supportive of both of you and your children. You cannot do that by entering into marriage with this secret. It will come out at some point. Please don't do this to you, to your WF, and your children. Pick yourself up, be truthful, and take it from there. All of you, are worth the truth and, more importantly, the potential of becoming a family where truth, love, and support are markers by which all of you are known.