SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What happens when/if the real father decides he wants to be a dad. Could be now could be in 10 years. Would he pay child support?

Her parents should fire him (or her). If they keep working together, who knows what could happen.

In many states the husband is considered legally the father but I don't know what happens when the paternity test says otherwise. Laws are stupid sometimes.

Getting back together, it's is way too early to think about that, she should stay at mom and dads for a while.

Test your 2 year old. You love him but you should know.

SInce she cheated on you (at least once) so early in the marriage and got knocked up and and STD you gotta ask yourself if she is worth being married to.

She admits that she would not have told you. Sorry but you may want to consider a divorce or annulment it that is possible.

She did say that if the test would have came back that the other person was not the father she did tell me that she most likely would have never told me and it's very likely that I never would have found out.

director23

Given the above confession of what your wife is capable of you need to DNA test your 2 year old son. You can buy a kit at any drugstore.

You need to talk to a lawyer now and make sure that your name doesn’t go on the birth certificate.

Hi I'm catholic also. You can certainly forgive her (at some point), but that does not mean you have to take her back. There is a lot of time for that if you deem so in the future. Now is the time to protect your child. Play hard ball. Control the situation. Listen to the people on here. (Look for a dude named Bigger, who will eventually post here, and follow exactly what he says)

As a fellow catholic, there is no way I'd take my wife back if I was in your shoes. Your marriage is over. Get the divorce and immediately start annulment procedures.

Sorry you had to join this club. Since you haven’t been married too long, Im going to suggest that you run & not look back. Your wife has cheated on you in one of the most horrible ways by getting knocked up by another man & put you in a position to where you could’ve been infected with chlamydia. She is only 25 and already stooped down to this level of betrayal, the level of deceit & treachery she’s willing to unleash will only get worse as the years pass by. You can do so much better & deserve a woman of standards. I noticed that a previous poster mentioned the poster Familyman75... that is NOT an example that you want to follow IMO, but reading his posts will help you see the type of life you’ll likely have & the type of woman your wife will most likely become if you do nothing & allow her betrayal to be swept under the rug. Do not allow yourself to be used, abused, & taken advantage of. You only get one life. Do you really want to live it while raising another man’s love child with your wife & having to deal with the OM being a regular presence in your family’s life? You sound too good to settle for a life like that. Good luck.

[This message edited by JpnHeartBreak at 3:35 AM, January 14th, 2019 (Monday)]

Also please, PLEASE see an attorney to protect yourself from having to carry the legal burden of being named as the father to the OMs possible child. I also ditto that you need to DNA the 2 year old just to be sure that he’s yours. Your wife conducted her affair with the other man as if she’s a calculated, cheating professional. There is no WE. Protect yourself.

I find out that while we were trying to get pregnant with our second, she was also sleeping with him, one week between him and I actually. The op wanted to be sure baby wasn't his so they had a non intrusive paternity test, and he was a match meaning baby is his.

This would be the deal breaker for me. She was trying to get pregnant and continued to have sex with OM. At best, it sounds like she was just leaving it to chance as to who the father would be. At worst, she planned on him being the father, had sex with him on her most fertile days and expected him to want to marry her when she told him he was the father of her child. The OM then insists on DNA proof and when he gets it he tells her while he may be responsible for the child there is no way he will marry her. That would be the most intelligent response. He already knows she is a cheating wife and should expect that if she cheats on you she would probably cheat on him.

I don't usually suggest contacting OM but in this case I absolutely would contact him. To some degree he is going to be in your life even if you divorce her. He will be the father of your son's younger sibling. I would want OM’s side of the story. Had your WW told him she was actively trying to get pregnant? What was his reaction when he found out he was the father? Was your WW expecting him to marry her? Did he offer to marry her? Did she break off the relationship or did he? What are his intentions regarding the baby? He must know he’s on the hook for child support for the next 18 years. OM may be a POS for having sex with your wife but he never made you any promises. Your WW is the person who has really wronged you and your son.

But she has said she will not be with him even if I choose to divorce.

I suspect that OM made this decision not her.

She made a phone call to the other person and essentially said she does not want him in her life

He was good enough to have sex with all those months but now she doesn't want him in her life? Does this mean that he will no longer be working under her? He no longer works there? Was he fired or did he quit? If he still works there then he will be very much in her daily life.

Your wife has lied to you for months. You should expect that she is continuing to lie and you should not believe anything she tells you unless it can be verified.

I'm guessing that being married to OM was Plan A but now that has fallen through so she is hoping Plan B (you) will be there for her. At least until she can find her next plan A.

Get to the Attorney ASAP! You need to protect yourself and your son.

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 1:37 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

[This message edited by nscale56 at 5:17 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

[This message edited by nscale56 at 2:39 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

I really do appreciate all the feedback.

I'm sorry if I come off as harsh at times. I'm not angry at you nor mean to put you down. I'm mostly angry on your behalf. You've been wronged in an incredible way and your WW response is one of the worst cheater responses I've seen to date. Her audacity and seemingly being convinced she'll get away with it is beyond belief.

One thing that I will struggle with is the life that we've created is a great one. I don't know how normal it is to want to keep my life the way it is but I just continue to think there's no way I could ever trust this person and this actually all occurred while I would stay home and she would go out to the bar with some friends so I would stay home with our son put him to bed and then hang out working on refinishing our basement.

Pretty normal actually. You're still in shock and it will be some time before it wears off. It's why it's so "gracious" of your wife to give you a week to get over it and then man up and raise her and the OMs child.

You're still in the stage where you want to hold onto to what you had. Because you were under the impression life was good, your partner was a faithful and trustworthy one, a team player, someone worth cherishing. You haven't yet had time to realize that the person you loved does not exist, that the relationship and life you had was a sham. That instead you were tricked, betrayed and abused in the vilest of ways by a self-centered narcissist who cares only about herself. Who did not simply cheat but had a full-fledged secondary relationship for much of your marriage, caught STDs and even got pregnant with zero care for you.

she knew that there would be potential repercussions from her actions

Cheaters are not only masters at deceiving others but also themselves. Your wife convinced herself that there would be no consequences, that she was justified in doing this for some reason, that everything would work out just fine. She still seems completely convinced by that. She shows ZERO remorse about her actions, zero regards for you, your wellbeing and doesn't care about you. She instead is completely convinced she can steamroll you and you'll cave in roll over and help her cover all of this up. This is NOT how someone whom one can ever think about R with acts, not that I'd ever recommend this given the current situation.

Depending on where you live, she might be able to nail you down for child support regardless of you not being the father if you're married when the child comes.

I feel like I deserve somebody who is committed to me

You do.

Even if in the case that the child is mine I currently cannot see a path forward where I remains married to her.

In her case, it wasn't just a false negative. The other man was found to be the father too, no? That would be a double mess up on their end. Seems fairly unlikely and a lot like you grasping at straws.

And you shouldn't try and find ways to stay with her. She is not R material. Not acting like a cheater who's even the tiniest bit sorry about what she has done.

Hi Director,

Sorry you are here.

I too had a wife that got pregnant by her AP, and got an STD as well.

In my case, I could not bring myself to stay with her and raise that child.

My XW had an abortion, we got a divorce and went our separate ways.

We also had 2 other children.

Today (21 yrs later) my two adult children have little to do with their mother.

They keep her at arms length as she has become a very bitter person because of the bad choices that she has made in her life.

You have some hard decisions in front of you.

In order to make good decisions, you need information. See a lawyer and get some knowledge on what divorce looks like in your case.

You don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow, next week or next month. Take your time.

But do not have sex with your wife! In some states this is seen by the courts as accepting and forgiving the infidelity.

It would probably be a good idea for you to get some individual counselling to help you cope with this betrayal and the trauma.

Keep a cool calm exterior, even though inside you are falling apart.

It would probably not be a good idea to tell your WW about this site. Use this as your safe place to vent, and get advice.

There are several angles I would want to address regarding your situation. This is a hodge-podge of thoughts:

All discussions on abortion are a moot point. If she’s around 6 months pregnant the odds are high an abortion wouldn’t be legal totally irrespective of moral or religious grounds.

I see what is best called a buffet-style adherence to religious beliefs. She’s against abortion and there are doubts about divorce. Yet the same guide-book frowns equally hard (and maybe even clearer) on contraceptives, sex without conception and infidelity. Be careful that neither you nor she hide behind religion as an excuse for bad decisions.

Regarding the suggestion the child be put up for adoption. Would that cause resentment from your wife? IF you remain married the goal must be reconciliation. Part of that would be to ensure that IF you have the child adopted you are both content with that decision.

I think you need to think long and hard on if you can raise this child as yours. Be VERY VERY clear on this: IF you decide to remain married and IF you decide the child remains in your family you need to be able to do right by the child. There is no way you can give your older child a bike for Christmas and “your” younger one a lump of coal.

There are plenty of men that are man enough to accept, love and raise a child they know isn’t theirs. Just like there are plenty of men that are man enough to acknowledge they can’t do that and walk away. Basically, IMHO the only wrong here would be to remain married and ostracize the child.

One thing that won’t be possible is total NC with the OM. Even if he signs away all rights regarding the child and even if he’s fired from the present job and even if your wife never again sees him then YOU as an inspector will be running across him or his work for years to come. Your WW has known the OM for some time. If he joined the family company after HS, then they have been around each other for some time. I’m not so certain that it will be easy to cut him off completely.

Plus, there will be rumors. Everyone will know or have heard of the stories the Director jr. is really OM son. That’s OK – rumors are only rumors and they will die out with time but be very clear on this: You won’t be able to keep the child’s paternity a secret.

There will be rumors. OM is too involved in the family business for him to disappear.

The moment you got married your marriage statistically had something like 7/10 chances of making it past 10 years and 6/10 of making it past 15 years. Infidelity this early in the marriage probably cuts those odds to 1/3 chances of your marriage lasting the next 5 years. Keep that in mind regarding the new child. Imagine you do your best to save this marriage, your very best. Yet it doesn’t work. Maybe because she cheats again, maybe the resentment reg. the affair… whatever. Envision yourself 3 years from now… 2022… you have just gotten the final divorce settlement… and you are paying child support for 2 kids… Consider that combined with her involvement with OM and the time it’s been going on.

I know I posted a lot of negative factors above, but frankly you are in a very negative situation. I think a marriage can survive anything. Even what you are dealing with. But that doesn’t mean every marriage has to survive everything or anything. It’s totally your call what you are willing to do. But what I truly believe is that no matter what – reconcile or divorce – it’s to your advantage and totally necessary to have a good grasp of what you are dealing with. Nothing I wrote above says you need to divorce, just like nothing says you need to reconcile. But it’s all factors you need to keep in mind and contemplate.

If you take anything away from my post I hope, it’s this:

No matter what you decide you need GOOD legal advice. There are so many factors you need to be clear on:

-Since you are married you are probably automatically the legal father.

-Can OM contest paternity?

-Can YOU contest paternity?

-What happens if you don’t contest paternity within a certain time-frame? (In many places if you don’t contest paternity within a reasonable time you have the parent’s obligations irrespective of true paternity later. Theoretically you could be paying CS without a legal right to be around the child…)

-Can OM be sued for CS?

-Can OM be completely cut off from the child?

-Are you going to be open about child’s true paternity? Would or could that have legal implications?

There isn’t anything easy about your situation. But there isn’t any rush. No need to do anything fast. Give yourself time to get the legal info and to calm down. Base your decision on the reality of what you are facing and what your true options might be.

Director, a few thoughts:

Paternity of the unborn child. In most states, the husband of a woman who becomes pregnant is legally presumed to be the father of the child no matter who the actual biological father really is. This means that the husband would be responsible to pay child support in the case of a divorce. In most states, a married man has a narrow, limited window to contest paternity if he wishes to do this. I suggest at the very least you consult a lawyer about this. You may need some time to decide whether to divorce or reconcile. In the meantime, your window to contest paternity could expire. Don't let that happen. If, in the end, you decide to divorce, that last thing you'd want is to be forced to pay child support for this other man's child.

Keep in mind, by the way, that if you were to do this and divorce your wife, you could, if you wanted, voluntarily pay her some support for the other child if the child's father did not pay. The father is well employed, though, and should be able to afford this.

Also, there would be a certain poetic justice to a situation where you and he are locked into lives where you are the approver of his installs. It reminds me of the adage "The toes you step on today might be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow."

What was he thinking while knowingly having unprotected sex with your wife? You mention that your wife's family is small-town prominent, and he is one of their employees. Fucking the boss's married daughter. Not exactly the best career move.

In turn, what was your WW thinking? The boss's daughter, fucking the hired help while married to a good man. What was she thinking?

What is your plan concerning sex given the STD?

If you were to divorce, you would have a strong chance of being awarded primary custody of your biological son. The argument that your lawyer would make would be that your wife is carrying another man's child, that other man will be forced to pay child support and presumably will want to be a part of the child's life. It would not be in the best interests of your son to be living with your (ex)wife and her AP. It would be better for him to live with his biological father, with visitation by the (ex)wife.

Only you can decide what is right for you. I'd suggest you go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of page) and read about The 180. Put it into practice here. This is to create psychic space for you so that you can clear your head and find your heart's truth. Me, personally, I would not be able to find it within myself to raise another man's child.

Your wife is delusional. Insane. Divorce her. She just wants to use you to be the pay check for someone else’s child. Selfish bitch.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:57 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

Good move to see a lawyer to learn your rights.

Bad move to not pick up the phone and call your

WW's parents and expose the affair. They fire the

OM then you know they will support you.

DNA testing. Time to have your 1st son tested and

have your family doctor using a reputable firm to

retest you and your WW to determine OC's (other

child) paternity.

I have seen this happen before and saw the marriage

recover. The OC is innocent. To make WW give up her

OC as a condition to recover the marriage will

punish the WW who is one of the guilty parties.

Though it will punish an innocent party the OC, by

growing up without it's mother.

At this point all you know is that you hurt. You

need time to learn what is required to recover a

marriage and know if WW is willing to do the work

to recover.

Also time to see how her parents support you. Again

call WW's parents today. WW's dad, if he is a stand up

man would pick up the phone and fire the OM.

Director,

In addition to the good advice here,I will add that you will need to take control and form a plan to get out of this mess.

You have to understand that from your WW’s perspective, she went from having a good husband, a good provider a good father for her son while having fun on the side, to a very precarious situation. She may loose the good husband, and be stuck raising two children from different men. Accordingly, she will do anything to avoid this situation. Whatever she tells you or suggest to you will be for her own benefit, not yours. Basically her end goal is to save herself from a bad situation and she has no consideration for you. Keep that in mind while having interactions with her.

Your short term plan should be, like most have suggested, to talk to a lawyer and determine what is in your best interest. You will also have to consider whether your WW family can negatively affect your inspection business, you have to think ahead before doing anything rash.

Finally, try to see if you can agree on some time off (can she take care of your 2 y.o. at her parents and stay by yourself in the house?) while you clear your head and think this through

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:48 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

If she cheated this early in the marriage even with a kid that you share that's bad news.

I'm pretty sure my SO did something 20 years ago before we had kids.

Then did it again a year ago (now we have kids).

This time it devastated me.

This time I've had NO PROOF yet again.

Don't walk in my shoes man.

Walk away.

People don't change.

Best of luck and sorry you have joined this shit show.

Take care of YOU and your KID and let that A hole pay child support for his "mistake"

She stayed at her parents last night while son and i stayed at home. I will be meeting with a doctor today to get tested again. In thinking back about when i was tested i was never actually told my results, she was the one they confirmed the results to.

She is is sheer panic mode. Before leaving last night she had a nervous breakdown and panic attack after getting on her knees and begging me for forgiveness. After sleeping on it my mind has not changed. I am definitely more sad today than i have been yet. She came over early this morning as i had to be at work early and she got our son ready for daycare and all that. There was very little said to her but she was acting nice to me, but was visibly upset.

I truly think she believes she will be able to win me back. She ahs said she is going to do everything to fight for me to try and forgive her, my response have essentially become no, i cannot see a future any more, and when repeatedly asked i now just shake my head and shrug.

She has scheduled a therapy appointment for herself and let me know the time. I think it might be best if i do go to the session and be able to have the help of a professional understand my beliefs that can then know best how to help her through the divorce. At this point i am beginning to just feel utter hatred towards her, but know that it will be best for our son if she is able to move past us.

I have left a message with an acquaintance of ours whose family owns a law practice in a closeby town. He just had a girl with his wife, and he will most likely be the first person i tell.

My wife has told me that she wants to be the one that tells my family. I told her no but i do not understand why she feels she should to that.

Today will be a busy day of work for me which will help shift focus at times. Thanks again to all that have commented.

This topic is like an A bomb for a lot of folks here. I was in your shoes at the same age.

Let me ask some questions?

You say she wants to stay married. What are her arguments for it? What incentives are there?

What do you want deep down? In your heart? What is your head telling you? Could you ever see yourself trusting again?

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:59 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Director -

She has scheduled a therapy appointment for herself and let me know the time.

IMHO, If she has scheduled an appointment with a IC that would be fine but if she scheduled an appointment with a MC you might consider not going.

There are so many things that have to be decided in regards to every part of your lives, but abortion and you raising the child are not the only options regarding the child. There is always adoption that might be considered.

When my ExWW and former friend had an affair, that resulted in their child, I truly hated both of them. Regardless of my feelings for them I was always concerned about what would happen with their son as, while he was the result of the betrayal he was not complicit in the betrayal.

My former friend has passed away and my ExWW has fallen off the grid with no one hearing from her in a long time. Their child was adopted by his grandparents and I understand that he is happy and healthy. While I would not recommend every set of grandparents adopting a child I do know of many wonderful couples who have or are attempting to adopt children.