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Newest Member: FaithGrace

Just Found Out :
There goes my life, question mark.

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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 3:32 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

As stated by others and myself, the begging and crying etc... is all about her, she has no concerns about what she did to you.

About hatred and your earlier statement about revenge, it's very understandable, but be careful in what you do, don’t act on an impulse.

What you could do, if you want a bit of revenge, is send a text/email to your in-laws stating that since her daughter, as it turns out, has been cheating pretty much during all of your marriage, with an employee of theirs, and is pregnant with one of them, she will be staying at their place (unless maybe she’s staying with one of their male employees, you can’t tell anymore) and they should refrain from contacting you in the future while you’re focusing on healing and the divorce.

That should make their vacation more interesting...

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8313644
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 director23 (original poster member #69430) posted at 3:48 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

She has mentioned that she would put the child up for adoption if thats what i want, but i dont. I personally feel like i should have zero say in the future of her unborn child. I have told her i dont think she should get an abortion, and i do want to tell her parents & the world, but i am very close with them and do have a lot of respect for them, but knowing what they went through and did during their middle child's divorce, i agree with everyone here that i cannot assume they will side with me on anything, and it is quite likely that they will foot the bill going forward for her and any legal fees therafter.

During our conversation last night i essentially told her that we need to rip the bandaid off and begin to move forward. She explained that it would be best for our son to be raised in the house we brought him home to. She explained that she should leave and get an apartment, and look for a new job. When she first told me about the A, i said that in order for me to consider staying that she has to cut ties from the OP, but after further thinking there is no way that is possible if he is the father.

I demanded that she tell him he needed to quit and her initial response was that she didnt want to cause a bigger ripple effect and ruin more peoples lives. I continue to think about that response of hers, she was standing up for him in that response, and that is what immediately changed my psyche going forward and seeing the big picture, which ultimately means that i have to remove myself from this toxic woman, and immediately begin to repair myself going forward.

BS (me) 32 Year Marriage 1.5 Year affair that led to birth of a child.
D-Day 1/2019
Divorced 7/2019
Engaged 10/21 new woman
Married 10/22

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019   ·   location: IA, USA
id 8313653
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Walkingthewire ( member #69084) posted at 4:10 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

I’m sorry you have found yourself here.

The club no one wants to be apart of.

She is 5 months pregnant which means a late term abortion would be the option, however late term is well not good. It’s proven to show pain the the baby this far along. Adoption is an option too. I’m sorry I had to play devils advocate real quick.

If you choose to D that’s your choice. And you have every right to do so. If I was in your shoes I would do the same. 😔

Married 18 yearsBS (me) 37WH 38. 13year old boy, 9 year old girl (Idiopathic Pulmonary Hemosiderosis)A Sept 2018 (while he was overseas)D-Day Dec 9 2018Working towards R

posts: 399   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8313662
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 5:15 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

she didnt want to cause a bigger ripple effect and ruin more peoples lives

Is the AP married? Or she is just worried about his well being?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1534   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8313703
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Bigheart2018 ( member #63544) posted at 5:17 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Dear director23,

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this difficult situation. It might be a possibility that your wife is thinking about an apartment for both her AP and her new baby.

Therefore, I have two suggestions...

1.) Take the advise of your attorney.

2.) Expose the affair to everyone.

I believe, your wife is in love with her AP.

Best,

Bigheart

posts: 349   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2018   ·   location: Southwest PA
id 8313706
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M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Hi Director,

Firstly, like everyone else here, I am very sorry for the bombshell that has been dropped into your life.

Infidelity is a huge thing to try and cope with, without the issue of pregnancies that have arisen from the affair.

So my first comment relates to you and your well-being. Please let people who can be supportive to you know what has happened. It is quite possible that the full effects of this disclosure will hit you slowly, over several days, or even a couple of weeks. It can be vital to have people ‘there’ for you if it does.

The same is true for your doctor. If you find your sleep and appetite are adversely affected, please make an appointment with your doctor. If you have trouble eating, several people here have found protein shakes/supplements to be useful. I am sure others here have some good ideas along similar lines.

My second comment is one that you really need to absorb for your own good:

It is not your responsibility to fix this, or sacrifice the rest of your life to pay for your wife’s bad decisions. It is your responsibility to protect yourself and your son.

Your wife may have made a serious of irresponsible decisions, but you did not.

I know that may seem harsh, but I am writing it with your best interests in mind.

Your wife may have come up with a wonderful fix for HER life, involving you doing all the heavy lifting and shouldering all of the issues that come with an untrustworthy partner who puts you at risk of sexually transmitted diseases and the raising of another man’s child, but you have to consider whether that is the best possible life option for you.

I feel like I deserve somebody who is committed to me

Yes, you do, and so does everyone else who gets married. Her wanting you to stay with a ‘wife’ who has unprotected sex with another man while actively trying to conceive a second child with you is a huge 'ask', and an invitation to gamble with your chances of future happiness, love, and security.

The point is, if you stay with her, you forfeit the opportunity to forge a better, deeper relationship with another person. That is not an option to forego without fully considering its implications. The flipside of that coin, of course, is that divorce does not guarantee a wonderful, secure, loving relationship with someone else.

Could your wife become a trustworthy person with good boundaries and 100% commitment to you and your son? Possibly. Her recent behaviour is the polar opposite of that, and if you choose to stay with her, you will have to believe that she can fulfil that potential.

I know and she has said that she wishes that I would just break everything in the house and leave for a week and come back and we can begin to move on and that is probably the best reaction if I were to have one but I would describe how I should have acted but I think because I know but life is going to go on and I was not at fault for this happening that is the reason why I'm not overreacting.

That might be the ‘best’ reaction from your wife’s perspective, but it really would not fix anything at all, would it?

Just as your wife has put the responsibility on your shoulders to ‘fix’ this for her by giving her a free pass and raising another man’s child, she is also putting the responsibility of getting over it onto your shoulders too. Just trash the joint and get over it. If you could just do that, her life would be fine.

If you think about it, her statements are very revealing about how her mind works. I say that not to ‘damn’ her, but to make sure your eyes are fully open.

She made a phone call to the other person and essentially said she does not want him in her life she explained to me that she wants me to raise this child she wants me to love her she wants our son to be raised in a good home.

Leaving aside the pointlessness of shutting the man out after all the damage has been done, life simply does not work that way.

The man has fathered a child with your wife, and he will be forever linked to her via that child. Her words cannot make him conveniently disappear in a puff of purple smoke, like a magician’s trick.

That man should be legally registered as the father, and be responsible for his actions. That is what being a grown-up is all about. He created a child, he has to take ownership of that. It is not your wife’s right to give him a free pass and absolve him of his responsibilities simply because she wants to put them all on you.

Even if the man flees, what will you do if he returns in ten years, or sooner, wanting access rights, or causing problems?

It is also not wise to purge the father from the child’s life, because his family medical history may have implications for the health and well-being of his child.

That child has a right to have a relationship with its father. As unpalatable as this situation is, we have to remember that that poor kid bears no responsibility for the events that led to its creation. The two adults who do – your wife and her affair partner – have to do right by the child, morally, legally, and financially. Your wife began a second relationship with him, and she cannot just end it with a few words now that she is having his child. She has to work this out with him.

Your wife seems to want instant fixes to huge problems. You give her a free pass. You raise another man’s child. You stay with her and love her. She makes the man who fathered her child disappear with a phone call. It’s all so quick and convenient if everyone does what she wants.

She further went on to say that she will have her life ruined because of this and she became very upset in front of our two year old.

Wow. That is monumentally self-centered. The reality is that she will have to face the consequences of her own bad decisions, and how their results have ruined the lives of several people who trusted her, beginning with you and her parents. To focus on herself at such a time is very revealing, and a big red flag about her personality and priorities.

She has mentioned that she would put the child up for adoption if thats what i want, but i dont. I personally feel like i should have zero say in the future of her unborn child. I have told her i dont think she should get an abortion, and i do want to tell her parents & the world, but i am very close with them and do have a lot of respect for them, but knowing what they went through and did during their middle child's divorce, i agree with everyone here that i cannot assume they will side with me on anything, and it is quite likely that they will foot the bill going forward for her and any legal fees therafter.

It seems that your wife has been treating both you and the father of the child in a very arrogant and cavalier fashion, and now she wants to farm the kid out like some inconvenient truth that is complicating her life.

She needs to be a grown-up, and be a mother to the children that she has brought into the world.

The reality of this situation is that if you decide to divorce your wife, you can work out how to co-parent the son that you share, as many other divorced couples do.

It is your wife’s responsibility to build and maintain her relationship with the father of her other child, and to work out co-parenting with him.

In terms of the well-being of both children, I am sure that her parents, once they get up to speed with recent events, will help you with the care of your son, and also ensure that their other grand-child is safe and provided for. It is more their responsibility to do that than it is yours, although it is the father of the child who has the main responsibility for it.

But she has said she will not be with him even if I choose to divorce.

That is her choice, and nothing to do with you. She thought enough of him to cheat on you for him, and to create a child with him. If she now wants to dump him like a piece of trash, so be it.

I demanded that she tell him he needed to quit and her initial response was that she didnt want to cause a bigger ripple effect and ruin more peoples lives. I continue to think about that response of hers, she was standing up for him in that response, and that is what immediately changed my psyche going forward and seeing the big picture, which ultimately means that i have to remove myself from this toxic woman, and immediately begin to repair myself going forward.

If you were my son, my brother, or my friend, I would advise you to do the same. She has shown you who she is, and wishful thinking will not change that.

I will keep you in my thoughts, and I will say a prayer for you tonight.

posts: 1277   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8313708
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breadfruit1 ( member #57180) posted at 5:30 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

director23 please accept my utmost heartfelt acknowledgement and support in this devastating time. You are at the right forum; the advice and support you will receive are from experienced members.

Your WW does not seem at all to understand the gravity of her actions and is making it all about her i.e. " wanting to protect her reputation" How ironic when she destroyed her own reputation by having an ongoing affair with an employee directly under the nose of her parents, using no protection thus exposing you to chlamydia (at which point she could have confessed) but intentionally kept quiet continued her affair and had you tested to make believe you might be the unfaithful partner.

What is also appalling is that your WW and OM agreed to go and do Genetic/Paternity testing (together) You were never consulted until when the test proved you were not the father.

The betrayal is here is paralyzing. This for me would be a clear deal breaker. Director23 If you were the father she would have had no need to tell you anything and would have only continued the affair.

Then when I thought she could not have been more self serving and narcissistic when you said :

"I demanded that she tell him he needed to quit and her initial response was that she didnt want to cause a bigger ripple effect and ruin more peoples lives". Her response should only push you forward to consulting with a divorce lawyer. My selfish advice Protect your reputation, protect yourself and your son.

posts: 84   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2017
id 8313710
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BrooklynGuy ( new member #69135) posted at 5:32 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

I demanded that she tell him he needed to quit and her initial response was that she didnt want to cause a bigger ripple effect and ruin more peoples lives. I continue to think about that response of hers, she was standing up for him in that response, and that is what immediately changed my psyche going forward and seeing the big picture, which ultimately means that i have to remove myself from this toxic woman, and immediately begin to repair myself going forward.

As you have correctly noted her response tells you everything you need to know. Clearly she is protecting her lover, who will probably become her future husband.

If she quits the family business it will be temporarily, too much stink eye from all the gossipers she would have to interact with. Meanwhile the baby daddy continues to work gaining favor in his future in-laws eyes. Then after the divorce settles and the baby is born she will go back to work quietly and resume a relationship publicly with new baby daddy, because love is in the air and everything happens for a reason - blah blah blah.

You know what you have to do.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2018
id 8313712
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 director23 (original poster member #69430) posted at 5:48 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Went to doctor this morning. Explained everything to him. He was in utter shock and silent and initially had no response and just stared at me as i continues explaining everything to him. He essentially knows everything you all do, and he said that he wouldn't offer any advice one way or another, but he told me that this event happening to me has ruined his day, and he said he feels great sympathy and will be available if i need anything going forward.

BS (me) 32 Year Marriage 1.5 Year affair that led to birth of a child.
D-Day 1/2019
Divorced 7/2019
Engaged 10/21 new woman
Married 10/22

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019   ·   location: IA, USA
id 8313725
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1survivor ( member #49999) posted at 5:51 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Director23, I am sorry you had to find this. You are getting good advice and it appears you have a solid plan.

The extent of the betrayal and disrespect your wife has shown is appalling. She not only betrayed you, but had unprotected sex with this POS. That was awful. You know that this person will be forever tied to your family if she stays. Her reason for trying to work things out have more to do with her and her families reputation than anything else.

The fact that she was more willing to protect the OM than trying to help you heal and save the marriage should tell you where her head is.

Do not listen to anything she says, but watch her actions. Those tell you everything you need to know. Your wife has shown you who she is, please believe her.

posts: 828   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2015
id 8313727
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 5:54 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

She wants to tell your family as penance to change your mind about divorce.

Secure your financials if you can. However, consider alerting a relative of her s if you feel she might self harm.

I am sorry you have been put in this situation. Remember was her choice and not a reflection of you.

If you can go back and write nights out and anytime you can remember taking care of your child so you can go out.

Please drink water and try and eat. Drinking alcohol isn’t a good escape.

Look at the healing library in the yellow box to the left.

BS Fwh

posts: 3267   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8313729
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 director23 (original poster member #69430) posted at 5:56 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

The AP is not married. He did recently purchase a home and she admitted that this all started out by her going over there because he asked for advice on how to make the property a 'home' with decorating etc. It turned into more as she continually went over there. She explained that before anything really happened she looked at our marriage as a business agreement, and when it came to us being affectionate she said she stopped feeling that way because she began to look at me like a brother...whatever the fuck that meant. These were the ultimate reasons she essentially gave me for how it happened. She explained to me that she wasnt a good wife and that she wants us to both work on falling in love with each other again like we were when we first got married.

Time continues to pass and i cannot see any way forward with her and i remaining married. I catch myself looking at my wedding ring that i am still wearing. I remember thinking to myself when we were on the alter that i would never have to take this off, but right now, all i want to do is hand it back to her and tell her that is the end of it.

BS (me) 32 Year Marriage 1.5 Year affair that led to birth of a child.
D-Day 1/2019
Divorced 7/2019
Engaged 10/21 new woman
Married 10/22

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019   ·   location: IA, USA
id 8313732
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Sknippen ( member #59211) posted at 6:12 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Hello Director. The sh*treally hit the fan. I have to say, you should be gratefull she confessed now. Imagine 20 years and a few kids later you would have found out that 1 or more kids are not yours and wify had cheated on you you're entire marriage. What was she thinking. Having sex unprotected and without birthcontrol can get you pregnant. And now she wants you to take care of her and her bastard kid? She is or evil or stupid.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Belgium
id 8313740
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VeryspecialK ( new member #63178) posted at 6:14 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

You think she will tell her parents the truth? Not only does all this affect their daughter and their grandchild. It also affects their business and their employees.

And if they are going to pay her legal fees for the divorce it might be nice for them to know the actual story. Not the watered down version she might tell them.

And while the truth may be hard for them to hear, the truth is the truth. It’s not your responsibility to protect them from it.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2018
id 8313741
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Curious9 ( member #48433) posted at 6:15 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

I feel so horrible for you. I cant imagine the pain you are experiencing. You clearly are handling yourself very well in light of all this. I think I share your thoughts on not being able to move forward with her. I know I wouldn't be able to do it. I think like the others have said just take your time to decide what you want.

I don't have any advice to offer that others have not already covered. I am really sorry you are going through this. You clearly are a decent guy and she wont really realize what she lost until you are already gone.

Stay strong.

posts: 980   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2015
id 8313744
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beenthereinco ( member #56409) posted at 6:19 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

that she wants us to both work on falling in love with each other again like we were when we first got married.

I'm sorry but this comment would piss me off. So she wants you to work on her falling in love with you again? She wants you to woo her like a girlfriend? BS! She is wanting to play the tune for the Pick Me Dance while you do the two-step. I would have said to her that I never forgot I was married so I don't have any work to do. To hell with that!

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8313748
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trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 6:26 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Oh my, I am so sorry you are in this mess, and it really is a mess.

I am with everyone else - see a lawyer ASAP, protect your self, your finances, and your child (I would DNA him too). Going to be blunt here -

she wants me to raise this child

NO, then you are responsible for child support should she leave you, and now you know this is a real possibility.

the life that we've created is a great one

Hm - not really. Your wife is a liar, a cheat, got an STD and a child by another man.

I demanded that she tell him he needed to quit and her initial response was that she didnt want to cause a bigger ripple effect and ruin more peoples lives.

So it was OK for her to ruin your life and the lives of two children. She is protecting her lover, she does not care about you..

Not only does all this affect their daughter and their grandchild. It also affects their business and their employees.

I doubt she will tell the whole truth, either be there when she does or go and tell them now.

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2386   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 8313753
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 6:34 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Keep in mind also that the AP may have rights under the laws of your state to certain paternal rights. In the worst case scenario, it is theoretically possible that:

(a) you take no action to contest paternity, as a result of which you are "deemed" the father and you are therefore responsible for child support;

and

(b) the AP later establishes his parental rights to visitation and such, meaning he has rights to be in your lives as a father, without any financial responsibility.

This is because laws governing financial responsibility and laws governing parental rights, in many states, operate separate from one another. It is akin to the messed up laws in some states where a rapist whose victim carries his child to birth can later sue the victim to establish parental rights.

Bottom line: see a lawyer ASAP and do whatever you need to do to establish that you are NOT the father of this child. Do this regardless whether you plan to D your WW. It puts the choice in your hands.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4183   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8313757
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Gutpunch ( member #63088) posted at 6:37 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

She explained to me that she wasnt a good wife and that she wants us to both work on falling in love with each other again like we were when we first got married.

WOW! Run for the hills bro!

posts: 161   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2018   ·   location: AL
id 8313760
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

She explained to me that she wasnt a good wife and that she wants us to both work on falling in love with each other again like we were when we first got married.

Gently, your WW is a couple fries short of a Happy Meal. No joke.

You stated when you first posted, that before this whole cheated-on-you-got-pregnant-with-OM's-kid-got-STD shit, you were in love with her - she was your everything!

Good gravy. The shit that some cheaters say never ceases to confound me (and I've been on SI a long-ass time).

I am so very sorry, director; I really wish I had more to contribute, but I do empathize.

We're here for you - stand strong, and when you feel the need to "lose it" - do it here. "Vent threads" (post those in General) are very cathartic. A punching bag wouldn't hurt either.

Hang in there...we're here for you.

edited for typos

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 12:41 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

2025: Me-59 FWH-61 Married 41 years grown daughters- 41 & 37. 1 GS,11yo GD & 9yo GD (DD40); Five grands ages 15 to 8. D-day #1-1/06; D-day #2-3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8905   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8313761
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