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And be carefull. Now she is in full panic mode, but as soon as it get's trough to her that the marriage will end she will start to play another story. Be sure to be the first one to tell to all what happened. She could pull the abuse card and tell everyone you abused her and will try to put the blame on you. Some waywards can go very far with that including hurting themself in order to blame the betrayed husband. Tell her parents, tell all family and friends. Her initial plan was to use you as her cuckold. Go bang her lover while you stay at home taking care of her kids and provide her with money and a being a good husband. Never accept that, it will destroy you...

[This message edited by Sknippen at 12:40 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

It's critical that you be present when she tells her parents. She's already shifting blame to you saying she just sees you as a brother.

Tell their priest today

If the OM doesn't marry her, the father will fire him.

If possible document her confession and the identity of the baby's father.

DNA test your current child.

Sorry to hear about your situation director.

I agree that there is no way forward with her. For one she's protecting the other man and doesn't want him affected by this. What she says now is only what she thinks you want to hear. She'll be with the other man once you divorce her and the shame is lifted.

One thing you don't want to do is raise the man's child who was banging your wife; that would be the ultimate humiliation. And considering that he's now going to be in the child's life forever, there's no way you'd be able to get away from the stigma and the in-your-face knowledge that it's not your child. It wouldn't be fair to you and it wouldn't be fair to the child either.

Your wife was banging the other man not just one time as might be the case in a momentary loss of judgement, but for months on end. She was enjoying herself and can't help but have feelings for the other man. She willingly, knowingly, and purposely was having an affair with him while you were taking care of your child. That's pretty low. She obviously has a different set of morals than you do; she's not a safe partner.

Start separating your accounts and take her name off of your stuff. Draft up a list of the items that you want to keep, i.e. the home, car, etc. and have it ready for the divorce attorney. Inform anyone who asks, of the truth of why you're divorcing her and who was involved. Stay out in front of the gossip mill; don't allow yourself to become a victim of false allegations and innuendo. Divorce for cause if you're in an at-fault state; this will allow you more leniency with the court.

Play it smart; don't allow your emotions to get the best of you. There's time for grieving later. Read in the Healing Library about the 180 and employ it for your benefit. Right now is the time for level heads. Take care of yourself.

I am sorry you are faced with such a heart breaking situation. No matter what anyone else advises, you are the only one who can decide if you can have a future with her. If you do stay with her then you will have to accept the baby. Everyone says that the baby is not your responsibility to raise and they are correct. But, if you chose to stay with her then you also chose to raise the baby. I am always going to be on the side of the baby because they did not ask to be born nor to be brought into a world of s**t not of their choosing. There are sperm donors and there are dads. Raising and loving a child is what makes a dad not making a sperm deposit and walking away. If I was going to raise a child, that is not biologically mine, I would make sure the biologically sperm donor signed away all his rights to that child. If you chose not to remain married to your wife then she already has a place to go. Her AP has a house that she help decorate and where she and he made a baby together. She should be able to move in with him and feel right at home. I would have serious doubts about a wife and a marriage that is only 3 years in where the wife sees her husband as being like her brother and is already having sex and making babies with another man. Most marriages are still in the honeymoon stage at 3 years. I know mine was. You have a lot to consider so take your time. You don't have to make any decision until you are ready. I do wish you well.

I agree with this.

If you do stay with her then you will have to accept the baby.

You owe it to the child, not to your WW, to accept the baby like your own if you stay with her. The OM knows the baby is his though so you'll have him to deal with forever I think.

I don't agree with this one at all.

You have a lot to consider so take your time. You don't have to make any decision until you are ready.

You kind of need to make a decision pretty quickly here because a baby is not going to wait. Your attorney will advise you but you are going to have to be proactive here on making sure your name is not on that birth certificate. I don't think you have a lot of time if any after the baby is born and I have heard of men being forced to pay child support for someone else's baby even when it is proven to the court it isn't their's. The court only cares about taking care of the baby, not your rights here. Make sure that it is the OM sending her a check each month for this baby and not you no matter what you do as a couple.

I think at a minimum I would ask your WW for a copy of the lab result that shows the OM is the father. She should be willing to give that to you. (BTW who paid for that medical test? My understanding is that pre-natal DNA tests are kind of pricey). Those test results may "disappear" in the chaos here if you decide to divorce. Best to get them to your attorney now while you decide what to do.

There are members on here who have raised an OC as their own. Out of respect for them, I don't think anyone should be implying that it is wrong or weak to do so. Biology is just biology, don't get carried away with it.

That said, I think your W is not really displaying the signs she should if she wants to save the marriage. I can't believe she would rather destroy the marriage and be a half-time mom to her son than ask the OM to quit his job. That's some straight-up crazy right there.

Suspect everything she says as a lie.

More likely she met him on a GNO and then it became sexual.

The OM knocked up the boss's daughter and probably thinks he hit a gold mine. He'll marry her and minimize family shame in exchange for an ownership interest in the business.

Her family will be in damage control which your attorney may use to your advantage with respect to spose support and custody.

Bigger being pissed off:

ANYONE telling you that the ONLY OPTION is divorce is automatically disqualifying him/herself from any sensible and constructive contribution on your situation. Just like ANYONE telling you that reconciliation is the only option is doing the same.

Anyone questioning your integrity, manhood, masculinity or mental capability because you aren’t following their agenda… well… Tell them to jump right up where the sun don’t shine.

You Director are in the hot-seat. YOU base your decision on what YOU evaluate the best for YOU and your family – be it a family with your wife or be it a family without her.

You have options. Nothing and nobody is forcing your hands.

Talk of revenge is stupid. Plain and simple. What good would revenge do you other than a temporary feelgood factor? It’s like peeing in your pants in the frost. Might feel nice for a few seconds, but the frost will catch up with you…

End of Bigger rant.

Director – She isn’t thinking logically, plus what she wants isn’t really relevant. It’s a lot more what YOU want and what needs to be done.

Like why does she need another job? I would take it as a given that her dad would fire the man that came up between his daughter and son-in-law. I guess that somehow in her muddled brain she thinks OM can keep his job, she moves somewhere else and everyone keeps on as if nothing happened.

I would be willing to place a humongous amount of money on that the paternity of the child won’t be a secret – like your WW seems to want and think can be done. Small town, people getting fired, job-changes, family-issues…

Plus – in this time and age – I venture that it’s immensely better for the biological truth be known to all stakeholders irrespective of legal or moral paternity.

Director – One thing to your advantage is that there is no rush. You have a week to plan before her parents come home (no need to wreck their cruise). You have time to talk to an attorney. You to talk to your priest. Based on the tone of your posts I’m not seeing abortion (6 months makes it unrealistic anyway) nor adoption. Get your legal standing in order: When can you contest paternity? What are your obligations?

I am sorry you are a victim of a morally bankrupt individual who should have been a great wife and mother.

Please reconsider your wish to not express an opinion about adoption since it is not your kid.

My take on this, whatever you decide abut the marriage, is that adoption is the best option for both you and that kid.

1. The baby is an innocent. It gets a fresh lease on a good life away from the horrible illicit start.

In some states, such as California, all a person has to do is literally drop off a newborn at a hospital or even a fire station and there are no questions asked and no criminal charges.

2. You do not have constant reminders both financially and emotionally about your wife's behavior.

[This message edited by michzz at 3:44 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

Director,

You need to move and you need to move fast. She said she won’t abort the baby. It’s almost too late for that anyway. I’m not advocating she do it either.

You need to protect yourself. You need to quickly sort out the paternity situation because of the financial and legal liability you will have down the track.

Test your son. I know that sounds awful but you need to be 100% sure he is yours given her recent history.

I’ve read hundreds of stories here. From the experiences of others, I doubt she’s R material.

Tell you in-laws now. Don’t let her dictate the narrative.

Divorce her. What she has done is mindboggling irresponsible. It’s cruel. It’s extremely damaging.

Lastly, take care of yourself. The severity of what has happened is unlikely to have hit you hard yet.

Director:

Just because you find yourself in a bad situation (which this is probably as bad as it comes, OC and STD), I believe there are steps that you can take to play the best hand that has been put on you by no fault of your own.

- I'd use your good relationship with the inlaws to make sure you tell you story first, and maintain a good working relationship with them. Do not allow the WW to pitch first, although they will ultimately take her side, you need to hit first, but in a very kind and understanding way b/c their world will also be blown up. Why do this? B/C they are still your child's grandparents, and they will be bankrolling your daughters attorney. That is for certain. Don't give them ammunition for when the WW gets nasty, to use their money to go after you. If you keep things good with them, and again, its not their fault their daughter chose to be WW, and not give them a reason to use their money to go nuclear on your.

- Get the support from close family and friends. By keeping it close to only family and the very base of friends, you will also be able to prove to the exinlaws that you were only seeking support for your emotional well being, and not to trash their family name and business. Remember, the WW's cheating and pregnancy is not only affecting you, but their family name and business in ways they were not expecting. That you tried to look out for them, and kept them and their business in mind should (not guaranteed) get you some good faith from them spending a ton of money fighting you if it comes to that in the D, should you choose that route. This is a game, and your life and money is your bet. Play to protect and win.

- Lastly on the WW, everything that you've posted up to this point has been about her, her, her, and to save herself from pain and embarrassment. Its telling, although it might change, it may not matter. At some point, when she finds out that it has hit their corner where there is no return, she may not be on the ground begging you, and it may turn ugly quickly for you. The WW's parents have money, and she may turn nasty when the entitled little brat doesnt get her way. Keep a Var, and a good standing with your inlaws, the church and community. You're playing to win now, not only against the WW, but for your life. In a small town, its extremely important to maintain a good name for yourself and your child.

Good luck brotha

I think this is one of those situations that you need to figure out legally what you should do first. Second I'd have both of you talk to your families. Emotionally you really need to be able to talk about what is going on with people you trust have your best interest at heart. You've decided she is going to have the baby regardless, now you just need to know legally, what your options are if you stay married or if you get a divorce. Maybe take a week where you stay with your folks and she stays with her folks and so you can mentally get a grip on what is happening. Yes there is a baby on the way but you don't have to rush your decision as long as you know where you stand legally.

One more thought.

As a Catholic, you can get a civil divorce to take care of your legal obligations. You just cannot remarry in the church. You'd need an annulment for that.

As for your wife's options? She doesn't give a rat's patoot about honoring her religious faith at all.

She explained that before anything really happened she looked at our marriage as a business agreement, and when it came to us being affectionate she said she stopped feeling that way because she began to look at me like a brother...whatever the fuck that meant. These were the ultimate reasons she essentially gave me for how it happened.

She's gaslighting you and re-writing the marital history to fit her new reality, and in a roundabout way blaming you for her "falling out of love" with you. You didn't ring her bell any more so she had to go find a new guy to excite her. Right.

She's a piece of work man. The best thing to do is get out of this marriage as quickly as you can and warn as many schmucks around your small town to steer clear of her.

A woman like her eventually ends up alone, used-up and bitter. You need to be thinking how you can minimize her influence on your son. You don't want him growing up to be an amoral asshole like his mom.

She explained to me that she wasnt a good wife and that she wants us to both work on falling in love with each other again like we were when we first got married.

Tell her to pound sand.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 5:13 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

I would normally echo the advice that you don't have to make a decision anytime soon.

However, in this particular situation, you kind of have to make certain decisions now. In 4 months, that baby will be here. Also, in 4 months, she will still technically be your wife. Even if you start the divorce proceedings today, these things can take time and drag out. Legally, you will be her husband while she is giving birth to another man's child. You need to find a good attorney to navigate you through this, as it could get very messy. Your main focus (after taking care of yourself and your son) should be to make sure that your name is not on that birth certificate, or on those child support payments.

I agree that you need to speak to her parents separately from her. Tell them the truth, in a very respectful way. If you are going to D, tell them that you simply cannot tolerate her behavior and what has been done to you. Tell them that you will give her a FAIR divorce, and that their grandson (the one you fathered) will also be your #1 priority and well taken care of. And no matter what, do not speak badly of your WW to her family, or really anybody else. It is in your best interest to keep on her and her parent's good side, to ensure a smooth D.

Don't discuss the baby with her anymore. Tell her that it's not up to you to decide what she and the OM decide to do with THEIR child. Do the hard 180. Come up with a parenting agreement for your young son. Don't worry about if the OM gets fired or goes NC with your WW... not your circus.

Lastly, DO NOT have relations with anybody else until the D is finalized. It could be counted as infidelity, and impact you negatively. I have a friend who got D a few years ago. Literally the same night after his wife told him she was divorcing him, he hooked up with some girl he met on some hookup site, which is something he did multiple times afterwards and told EVERYBODY about it. His ex's lawyer threw that into the proceedings that he was unfaithful, and it bit him in the ass.

When it came to us being affectionate she said she stopped feeling that way because she began to look at me like a brother...whatever the fuck that meant.

director23

I know exactly what she means. You became family providing her safety and security. She could depend on you to the point that she could take you for granted.

She was like a teenage girl dating a bad boy her dad didn’t approve of. She was sneaking out of her bedroom window for excitement and then returning to her stable home.

You didn’t know it but you were competing in an attention contest with a man that didn’t have to deal with the day to day crap of life. He could concentrate 100% on getting into your wife’s pants.

Dad can’t compete with a motivated bad boy in the excitement contest.

I truly think she believes she will be able to win me back.

director23

That’s because daddy never dumps his little girl no matter what she does.

[This message edited by Michigan at 6:20 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

Sir, your faithless wife is as toxic a person as I've ever heard of. Conducting a full-on sexual relationship with the POS as you cared for your child and getting pregnant by him?? I can't imagine a more thorough betrayal. And she's given you a look into her psyche by informing you that she wasn't going to tell you, and she expects you to raise this child as your own. Run. Run fast, and run far away from this person. If she somehow convinces you to stay in this farce of a marriage and raise another man's child, a child which is the product of her adulterous affair, you are, IMO, in for a life of misery and hurt. Save yourself, and divorce her as fast as you can. And have your 2 year old DNA tested.

She has mentioned that she would put the child up for adoption if thats what i want, but i dont. I personally feel like i should have zero say in the future of her unborn child.

director23

This is perfect. If you influence her at all in any way she will blame you. Make it very clear and be on the record with anyone that will listen to you. You do not have an opinion.

It's non of your business.

I have told her i dont think she should get an abortion.

director23

This is bad. She will blame you for being stuck raising the kid or feeling guilty about putting the kid up for adoption.

[This message edited by Michigan at 6:17 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

A little break here to check on you. How are you doing? Remember to be kind to yourself while you make these choices. No one wants to be in this position ever.

Sometimes, when things slow down and you catch your breath, the emotions come up and it can make things look very dark. No one knows the future.

Bigger has great wisdom. The only one who knows what you really want for your life is you. Go out into nature or someplace away from home or work where you can think. You aren't this or that depending on your choice. You are yourself.

She is saying some hurtful things now to cover her shame. I'm thinking most of it is nonsense. She's not sure where her life is going and she's flailing around trying this, trying that, saying whatever she will at the moment. It isn't about you and you never had anything to do with her choices.

All you did was be a good husband and father. Listen to your own voice and be at peace with your decision.

Director23, in one of your posts you mention how good your lifestyle is with your wife. Please do not let that sway your decision making. I did that and lived with basically an in-house separation for 15 yrs. in order to sustain what I thought I needed materially. That decision was a terrible mistake. I've just recently had my head yanked out of my a$$. I'm in my late 60's and just now getting around to rectifying that mistake. Don't be me 40 yrs from now.