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Newest Member: FaithGrace

Just Found Out :
There goes my life, question mark.

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BrooklynGuy ( new member #69135) posted at 1:34 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

She has admitted much, hoping you will raise another man's child.

Exposing you to STDs is always a nice cherry on the pie. I would ask that doctor point blank what the 'failure rate' for chlamydia tests are and would it not be more reasonable that she told the doctor the truth and asked his help in covering up. Especially since he did not recommend a second test...

Expect to get loved bombed and emotionally manipulated to no end. Whatever you do do not put your name as the father, once you do that you are on the hook for child support for the next 2 decades.

As you have posted see an attorney and start divorce proceedings asap.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2018
id 8313481
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 1:38 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Don't be surprised if you find out her other man threatened to tell you as the reason she confessed.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8313483
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 1:52 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Why did she tell you? She admits she never would've told you if it was yours. And she's had no problem deceiving you about the life you've been living.

Why not just lie to you and say it's yours?

posts: 2855   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8313494
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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 1:54 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

As BS we come on here and read stories and just shake our heads and wonder “WTF, why are these people so cruel to their partners”. Everyone is different but I couldn’t live with a wife who got pregnant to another man. As if infidelity isn’t hard enough to deal with she went out and did something that is exceptionally cruel. Good luck to you. I wish you all the best. This is going to be hell. Make sure she doesn’t make you the father on the records. While the unborn child is innocent, you shouldn’t be the one carrying the burden of raising it. Can’t believe how selfish some people can be.

[This message edited by Mene at 8:02 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 874   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8313495
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 2:28 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

I would suggest you change the passwords on all accounts.

I would also suggest you get a voice activated recorder. Check your state, as soon as she realizes your done watch out the domestic violence accusations may come out.

There is a thread in the I can relate forums has some great info.

BS Fwh

posts: 3267   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8313497
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 director23 (original poster member #69430) posted at 3:04 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

We had some continued discussions tonight. She made a phone call to the other person and essentially said she does not want him in her life she explained to me that she wants me to raise this child she wants me to love her she wants our son to be raised in a good home. She further went on to say that she will have her life ruined because of this and she became very upset in front of our two year old. I explained to her that we need additional time to process this but I think it's best if we don't stay together for tonight so she has left and is going to stay at her parents. the small-town reputation that her parents have is worth very much to all of them and this will rock a lot of people as her family is large and local and we all have great relationships but I do agree with all of the comments that have mentioned it is her family and they will most likely choose to be sympathetic with her. At this point I don't know how I'm dealing with this in the way that I am. I am a pretty level-headed individual and very logical I think that the easiest way to describe my mentality is I'm numb and still in shock with the whole situation. I know and she has said that she wishes that I would just break everything in the house and leave for a week and come back and we can begin to move on and that is probably the best reaction if I were to have one but I would describe how I should have acted but I think because I know but life is going to go on and I was not at fault for this happening that is the reason why I'm not overreacting.

BS (me) 32 Year Marriage 1.5 Year affair that led to birth of a child.
D-Day 1/2019
Divorced 7/2019
Engaged 10/21 new woman
Married 10/22

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019   ·   location: IA, USA
id 8313505
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Marauder ( member #68781) posted at 3:05 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Why did she tell you? She admits she never would've told you if it was yours. And she's had no problem deceiving you about the life you've been living.

Why not just lie to you and say it's yours?

I guarantee you there's a reason. Maybe someone else found out, maybe there's something with the OM such as an inherited disease that would show up eventually, maybe she tried to tell him the happy news and he completely shut her down before possibly threatening to expose her.

Exposing him to STDs, carrying on an affair for such a long time, no care or love for OP whatsoever, even admitting she wouldn't have told him if she didn't feel she needed to. I doubt this is coming from her. Something else OP doesn't know might very well be going on.

Ok, first can we not use the term cuck or cuckold, not helpful.

Nobody called him that, it's what his WW literally wants him to be though. Not just an oblivious one but an accepting one, despite what she has done already.

I guess an annulment could be in the cards.

OP pretty clearly stated that it's not just in the cards but might very well be what he's gunning for. The only concern should be for himself and if the 2yo turns out to be his child, his son.

Also while the child is not yours he/she didn't ask to be brought into this and is innocent.

Literally not OPs problem. That's not his kid. He has no responsibility for it nor had he any part in making it. The kid can take it up with his mother and father.

One more thing, many on here say that God allows divorce in the case of adultery. The passage actually states that Moses allowed divorce in the case of adultery due to the hardness of their hearts. Christ was clarifying the law. God prefers repentance and redemption over divorce. If you chose divorce however you would be free to remarry. I'm getting too close to a religious discussion so that's all.

There's quite a bit about adultery in the bible. Cherry picking something that doesn't by any means preclude divorce and even condones it while also ignoring all the rather harsh things in the bible about infidelity to try and convince up to reconcile and take care of the "innocent" kid is incredibly low. You come off as incredibly predator right now.

@director23, the more you write the worse your wife sounds and the more convinced I grow that you should get a test for the 2-year-old and run for the hills.

We had some continued discussions tonight. She made a phone call to the other person and essentially said she does not want him in her life

Look this might sound incredibly harsh but, do you really believe this? Words are cheap, especially if the two are trying to get you to raise their mutual offspring and that's very much what at least your wife is trying to get you to do here. There are zero guarantees they won't carry on or start up again.

Remember, she wanted this guy in her life for a very long time. Between her legs, in her womb. She was fine with catching STDs from him, even exposing you to this danger and then got outright pregnant by him. She had that little care, she didn't even make him wear a condom while you were trying for a child.

he explained to me that she wants me to raise this child she wants me to love her she wants our son to be raised in a good home. She further went on to say that she will have her life ruined because of this and she became very upset in front of our two year old.

This is NOT a remorseful cheater. This is an entitled brat. All she is telling you is what SHE wants. She wanted that affair, she wants you around to raise the kid. She wants you to help her rug sweep and hide this. She wants things and you better goddamn give them to her or she'll get upset because how dare you!

All of this is essential "me, me, me, me!" when she should be desperate to win you back and offer you the world and beyond.

I explained to her that we need

Stop thinking about this as "we". There is no "we" here. There's you and her. She is not on your team, not in your corner. All her behaviour screams she only sees you as someone who can be useful to her and help her ward off the consequences of her own behaviour.

I'm numb and still in shock with the whole situation.

You are in all likelihood in shock. Being cheated on is a traumatic experience that can lead to permanent mental scars and outright PTSD. Your wife took it and ran with it, your case is worse than most by quite a bit.

The worst part? She seems to be trying to use your current state to push ahead. She is making demands, she is telling you how to act, she is fundamentally only thinking about herself.

she has said that she wishes that I would just break everything in the house and leave for a week and come back and we can begin to move on and that is probably the best reaction if I were to have one but I would describe how I should have acted but I think because I know but life is going to go on and I was not at fault for this happening that is the reason why I'm not overreacting.

Let's ignore how it would give her exactly what she wanted. DO NOT do this, absolutely do not under any circumstances do this. It might allow her to spin things, show you abandoned her, the baby and your child, paint you as violent with a short temper.

For what has been dropped on you, you're holding up surprisingly well. Do not let her rush you into anything, do not let her use guilt or the consequences she'll face to try and bully you.

[This message edited by Marauder at 9:16 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

posts: 170   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2018
id 8313507
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 director23 (original poster member #69430) posted at 3:16 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

It may be best to go into a bit of detail of my career and everything surrounding the situation as a whole. I'm a building inspector and so because of that my career deals with inspecting work as far as furnaces water heaters and any and all things mechanical and plumbing related go. my wife's family started a HVAC and plumbing company many years ago and the other person is a tech that they hired essentially out of high school and went through The apprentice program and is now a journeyman HVAC installer. In the past year alone I have most likely inspected close to four dozen of his installs. her father is the current owner of the company that is a four generation company and her mother also works there; she is essentially the manager and my wife is the assistant manager.

BS (me) 32 Year Marriage 1.5 Year affair that led to birth of a child.
D-Day 1/2019
Divorced 7/2019
Engaged 10/21 new woman
Married 10/22

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019   ·   location: IA, USA
id 8313511
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firenze ( member #66522) posted at 3:40 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

she explained to me that she wants me to raise this child

The fact that she would ever ask this of you is so appalling I don't even have the words to describe it. She is disgusting.

Me: BH, 27 on DDay
Her: WW, 29 on DDay
DDay: Nov 2015
Divorced.

posts: 516   ·   registered: Oct. 15th, 2018
id 8313519
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BrooklynGuy ( new member #69135) posted at 3:42 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

We had some continued discussions tonight. She made a phone call to the other person and essentially said she does not want him in her life she explained to me that she wants me to raise this child she wants me to love her she wants our son to be raised in a good home.

Did you hear this conversation yourself on speakerphone? Do you actually believe a word she says? That after sleeping with him for months he is suddenly not welcome in her life? Ohh, maybe he does not want to be a daddy. he got the sex for free and now wants to bail on the love child. Then of course she wants you to raise the child.

She further went on to say that she will have her life ruined because of this and she became very upset in front of our two year old.

Her protests about her life going to be ruined are nonsense and self serving. Stooping so low as to emotional blackmail in from of a two year old says it all.

I explained to her that we need additional time to process this but I think it's best if we don't stay together for tonight so she has left and is going to stay at her parents. the small-town reputation that her parents have is worth very much to all of them and this will rock a lot of people as her family is large and local and we all have great relationships but I do agree with all of the comments that have mentioned it is her family and they will most likely choose to be sympathetic with her.

Of course they will back their daughter up. That is what parents do. Accept that they will back her, that does not mean you are under any obligation to keep her affair and the subsequent result secret nor are you under any obligation to protect her reputation. She had an affair and is now pregnant. All her choices, she can live with them. You don't have to.

At this point I don't know how I'm dealing with this in the way that I am. I am a pretty level-headed individual and very logical I think that the easiest way to describe my mentality is I'm numb and still in shock with the whole situation. I know and she has said that she wishes that I would just break everything in the house and leave for a week and come back and we can begin to move on and that is probably the best reaction if I were to have one but I would describe how I should have acted but I think because I know but life is going to go on and I was not at fault for this happening that is the reason why I'm not overreacting.

You are in shock. That makes people numb. For a long time.

How nice of her to give you a week to get over it then life goes on like nothing ever happened.... For the rest of your life. Right....

Just go see a lawyer. You don't need her permission nor should you even tell her. For the time being just lie to her face like she lied to yours all these months, to keep the heat down. Meanwhile get the paperwork ready and when her parents come back sit them down and tell them without her present why you are filing for divorce.

Then have her served.

posts: 48   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2018
id 8313520
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 3:42 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

How is it her parents didn't see her interest in their employee. Why doesn't your wife marry the father of her child?

posts: 2599   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8313521
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:43 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

We had some continued discussions tonight. She made a phone call to the other person and essentially said she does not want him in her life she explained to me that she wants me to raise this child she wants me to love her she wants our son to be raised in a good home.

She wants..... She wants..... She wants....,

She further went on to say that she will have her life ruined because of this and she became very upset in front of our two year old.

Maybe she should have thought about that before having her affair. You can fix her or this.

I explained to her that we need additional time to process this but I think it's best if we don't stay together for tonight so she has left and is going to stay at her parents. the small-town reputation that her parents have is worth very much to all of them and this will rock a lot of people as her family is large and local and we all have great relationships but I do agree with all of the comments that have mentioned it is her family and they will most likely choose to be sympathetic with her.

They should support her they are her parents. She'll need all she can get. Don't be surprised that they turn on you afterwards.

At this point I don't know how I'm dealing with this in the way that I am. I am a pretty level-headed individual and very logical I think that the easiest way to describe my mentality is I'm numb and still in shock with the whole situation.

Yes but anger will come later

I know and she has said that she wishes that I would just break everything in the house and leave for a week and come back and we can begin to move on and that is probably the best reaction if I were to have one but I would describe how I should have acted but I think because I know but life is going to go on and I was not at fault for this happening that is the reason why I'm not overreacting.

She's thinking of herself. Not you. You will never just "get over it".

She is and will be in self preservation mode. She is regretting getting caught in this mess. At this time it's all about her and how this might affect her and her family.

The thing is cheating this early on. What about 5, 10, 15 even 20 years from now. The capability is there for it to happen again.

[This message edited by Marz at 9:45 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8313522
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BrooklynGuy ( new member #69135) posted at 3:44 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Ohh will the parents fire the guy for knocking up the married daughter or will the parents promote him? Assuming you file for divorce..

posts: 48   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2018
id 8313525
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Unbroken78 ( member #68860) posted at 3:48 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Director-

You understand how this looks...from a distance-

Your WW lied, betrayed, and gave you a disease.

She functionally got caught...baby, disease.

Now...she suddenly can't ride cock for fun as she is preggers and had a disease...so she needs $$$ and someone to raise the kid.

She needs a beta chump to clean up the mess of a life she created by whoring around. She OPENLY SAYS THAT BETA CHUMP IS YOU...

Seriously?

Are you going to be that beta chump?

I don't mean that to hurt...but "we"...there is no we...unless you are that beta chump who is willing to be cucked into raising another man's child.

The weak willed men in the audience will call it "brave"..."strong"...a lot of "christians" will claim this nonsense as well. It is none of these. God permits divorce in cases of adultery.

You are training your actual son in how to be a man. Do you want him to stay with a woman who does what your WW did? Is that the example?

Tune out the noise. Handle your business as it says in the Bible. Eject and find a woman worthy of you.

posts: 225   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2018
id 8313526
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 director23 (original poster member #69430) posted at 3:57 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

I really do appreciate all the feedback. One thing that I will struggle with is the life that we've created is a great one. I don't know how normal it is to want to keep my life the way it is but I just continue to think there's no way I could ever trust this person and this actually all occurred while I would stay home and she would go out to the bar with some friends so I would stay home with our son put him to bed and then hang out working on refinishing our basement. I continue to think that while she did this she knew what she was doing she knew that there would be potential repercussions from her actions but the biggest thing is that when she did this and was having sex with him she was not only betraying me but betraying our son and as well. I feel like I deserve somebody who is committed to me and because of that I just don't understand how I could ever see past what she has done and essentially I would have to accept what she did in order to forgive her and I just don't see how that's possible. I have began to research the company that they used to complete this test and I've discovered that there are many BBB complaints and it is poorly reviewed with many people saying that they received false results. Even if in the case that the child is mine I currently cannot see a path forward where I remains married to her.

BS (me) 32 Year Marriage 1.5 Year affair that led to birth of a child.
D-Day 1/2019
Divorced 7/2019
Engaged 10/21 new woman
Married 10/22

posts: 116   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2019   ·   location: IA, USA
id 8313529
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 4:01 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Whatever happens, be kind in front of your little child. Little kids should be loved and shielded from arguments. They cant properly understand what is happening like we can.

She should reflect on her decisions and leave you to make up your own mind. Her parents will love that baby. That baby will be just fine. You sound to me like you want to start over. No need for any arguments, take your time to plan it and show her you wont get into heated discussions on what happened. If you know its over, no point in the past. The lawyer can handle the future. Shes got no further input except for the child.

If you're not sure, its fine to go to counseling and talk about your feelings. If you cant raise and love this second child, thats no life for you or the child.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2565   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8313530
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 4:21 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Also while the child is not yours he/she didn't ask to be brought into this and is innocent.

This is a non-factor and should have zero to do with OP's decision to stay or go. Only the pregnancy matters unless he decides to stay with her.

posts: 2855   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8313533
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 4:30 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

director23:

You seem like a level headed guy who’s been handed a shitsandwich. This is a devestating betrayal of your trust. Take some deep breaths. You’ve got a child to think of as well as yourself. Gather information and get your ducks in a row. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Your emotions will be all over the place as your life has been blown up. Take the time to think thru the ramifications of whatever path you choose for both you and your child. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3991   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8313536
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rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:46 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Your wife has zero empathy and it is all about her.

The OM thing may not be so simple. For instance if o are in Michigan your wife can claim you are the father and it can not be challenged. If you are in Illinois, the OM will have rights oat least visit is child.

making it through

posts: 1423   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8313540
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Atg100 ( member #66119) posted at 4:58 AM on Monday, January 14th, 2019

Director

Just like yourself, I was grieving for the great life we used to have.

There were family dinners, holidays , togetherness, which I thought were all part of a great family life .

Looking back, it was all a lie.

Similarly to you, the great life, I didn’t want to lose, did not exist.

Now you have a chance -

Create your own new life.

Be an awesome father to your son.

Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 11:35 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

posts: 949   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2018
id 8313543
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