SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am just now 3 years out and I am trying to be optimistic. However, I do not see anyway that my wife having another mans penis inside her for a year in every conceivable position helping our marriage. I miss the innocence and that will never come back.

In our case, no, it would never be better after the affair.

I say this because all the research I did and the counseling I got made me realize I was married to a narcissist.

I was fairly inexperienced in romantic relationships and brainwashed to believe that my XW was a typical wife, entitled,selfish, abusive. Now, after divorce and having had more relationships, I know that she was extremely atypical.

Just guessing, but if your spouse is somewhat normal( which may be a stretch if he or she actually had the qualities to be comfortable with having an affair), I think a lot depends on a BS's personality. I know for me, I just cannot live with myself if someone wrongs me this badly and I allow her to stay. I co yo ld not loo at myself in the mirror.

It’s too early for you to decide. He sounds like he’s still telling you bullshit. Every woman whose cheating on her husband says she’s abused so you won’t tell her husband. Personally I wouldn’t blame her BS for slapping her around. I do know if my husband was slapping me around the last thing I would do is cheat on him. Get real. As far as the marriage being better yeah he’s on his best behavior most of the time but you will never lose the mind movies of him fucking another woman. You will get used to them most of the time but never forget them.

I miss the innocence and that will never come back.

That's very true.

And that's the part that took the longest for me, was mourning that loss.

But you can't live there, at least not in a happy or healthy way.

At some point the past has to stay where it is.

The day you wake up and know you have a choice to hate what happened and still love the person in front of you, is a good day.

For us, the way we treat each other today, how we talk to each other today -- is much more kind and caring then at any time in our past. The hopeful innocence is gone and has been replaced with resilience.

We survived pain and trauma we didn't ever expect. My wife could have hid in her shame and quit, instead of owning her brokenness and trying to find her way back. I could have walked away at any time, I still have that option. Yet, we're conquering a horrible era and replacing it with new memories, new good days on the other side of it.

He chose to deal with his problems by having an A. He had many other choices.

He might be better, but our M isn't. It's different, not better.

This sums it up for me. He absolutely could have been an adult and realized he had issues and gotten help for himself. Despite whatever line he wants to feed me about his whys and hows, he KNEW what he was doing was wrong, and made the choice to pursue it anyway. He could have made another choice. He could have invested in not only himself, but his marriage, and he chose not to.

So yeah, he's becoming a better person. Did the threat of losing yet another family finally wake him up? Sure. Should it have gotten to that point? Absolutely not. Did he destroy our marriage and roll over me for his selfish choices? Absolutely.

Our marriage can be different and probably still good even. Maybe I will get a version of my WH that is actually worthy of my time. I am with somebody else though. I will NEVER say that infidelity was good for our marriage, because it was not. It killed our marriage and everything I thought I knew about it and him.

[This message edited by landclark at 10:04 AM, July 6th (Monday)]

Just as a reminder, SI never condones physical violence.

Arguably this happened to us immediately after DDay, although technically not married, the relationship (24y) improved dramatically.

Was the relationship broken beforehand, no, not in my eyes but is it better post A, absolutely

Now if only I could have this post A relationship without the anxiety, flashbacks, lost innocence etc etc

I'm curious - would you have still have "waited and watched" until he fixed himself had he slapped you in the face?

IF my H would have been as willing to fix himself like he was on Dday...then I would have. I definitely DON'T condone physical violence AT ALL. My H had been faithful through most of our 28 year M at that point...and has NEVER physically assaulted me. To ME...his past showed me that he wasn't inclined to do either...he just went off the path he had stayed on for so long.

I have the experience of seeing what a cheater who doesn't fix himself looks like from my 1st H. I also know how much of a waste it is to keep trying when the WS is not ALL IN. I honestly didn't think my H could change...because all I knew was how my 1st H was. That is why I IMMEDIATELY told my H that the M was over as soon as he confessed to his A. But my H didn't act like my 1st H did...and that part made me think that MAYBE I shouldn't be so quick to end our M. I am very HAPPY that I changed my mind .

Is our relationship better? Yes.

He's not a liar anymore. He's confessed his secret sexual life that occurred during our relationship even prior to marriage (we dated almost 5 years before marriage).

He has recognized that the people he surrounded himself with were all similar to him. (I had ZERO clue that our friends (all husbands and fathers now) were doing what they are doing - it's made me wonder if are there any men out there who TRULY respect women?)

His first priority is making himself a good person. He runs every decision through a lens of how it would affect his integrity, and his family. Work is now fundraising and not where he worth comes from. This leads to more quality family time and our kids see and feel his genuine love.

I think he loves me. Genuinely loves ME. I do not think he loved me for the first 20 years of our relationship. I don't think he loved himself either.

However is our MARRIAGE better? No. Our marriage died before it even started, I just didn't even know. I married a person who didn't respect me or have enough courage to say no to a litany of things. Including strippers and physical contact with other people. I had no idea that he never respected himself much less me or the institution of marriage. That he had been a liar his whole life to make himself look good because he was afraid to be himself and afraid he wasn't good enough. Instead of being a good person, he chose to do things that went against his own moral compass and subsequently left ME feeling like I wasn't good enough.

I have not forgiven myself for staying in the marriage. I feel dirty when I think about my own body now, much less his. (This mainly has to do with the fact that he lied about sex and I was sleeping with him for two years after he had unprotected sex with a woman who had a reputation for her questionable behavior with male colleagues and I think about what he has done every single time I am naked or anywhere near him.) I am ashamed that I want comfort from someone who disrespected me so much and lied and gaslighted me for two years. It's a complete and total mind-fuck.

Is he a better person today? Yes. But I am not. I'm nowhere near who I used to be and spend a majority of my time being numb. Because when I feel joy, grief and loss immediately follow. Even with things about my kids.

I stay though, because sometimes I will read a post on here (I'm looking at you OldWounds and SMS and W2BHA and Sissoon and countless others) that gives me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel where the affair still lives, but I can too.

And I'm not an optimistic person. So it's hard. But TBH, my other option is to leave, ruin my kids' lives, and give up on the chance to live a promising future out with a man who I honestly say daily would make someone a really great husband.

Honestly this is a very subjective question and answer.

It all depends on your starting point...if you have a shitty relationship prior to the A, then yes, I believe that the M could be better post-A with some successful work in R.

However, I really don’t see how a relatively healthy M could be better after an A, the damage to established trust is something that can seldomly be overcome.

Trust is a very delicate thing, and once it is injured, it will never completely heal.