SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out in April 2019 that my husband was cheating on me with a co-worker. At the time, he didn't tell me the whole truth and only admitted to things after I found out. The trickling out of information makes me feel like there are multiple "D-days" but essentially June 25th is when I found out they had sex even though for the two months before that he said "nothing happened." They "just talked like grownups" to figure out their "feelings" and concluded that nothing further would happen. On the original D-day, I was heartbroken, but rationally asked him if it was over between us. I was ready to walk away, but he told me he loves me and wanted to fight, he would cut her off and he wanted to concentrate on his family. (We have a young daughter.) He wanted to go to counselling so we did, which I think helped me/us understand what happened. But through all of it, he still never told me the complete truth (e.g.: they were still talking, she would show up at his work, apparently they agreed to "revisit" their relationship after he was done counselling to see if there was anything left blah blah) and while I still love him, I have a hard time regaining trust, even though I'm certain nothing is going on anymore. I still check his emails and phone and can't help but check her social media accounts, knowing that everytime I do, it makes it harder to move on. My husband suffers from anxiety and depression and before this things were great. I told him in fact that I thought he was a unicorn because I truly considered him an equal partner, amazing dad and thoughtful husband. We've been married 7 years and together 17. Now I feel like if he could do this to me, all men are just a**holes and I have to accept it. In any case, I am new here and posting because in all the reconciliation literature I've read, people talk about "building better relationships" or that the affair made their marriages better and they're almost thankful for it. More than a year in, I'm waiting for "better" and am wondering if it will truly come? I love my husband and want things to work out. He seems to be doing what I need him to but leaving is still a serious option in the back of my mind because I don't want to go through the rest of my life not trusting. And if we stay together and "better" doesn't come, what was it all for? I feel extremely stuck and don't want to make the wrong choice. Can there really be a silver lining?

I am right there with you. Even though they are following the right R protocol you somehow in the back of your mind think “Once a cheater always a cheater!” You see many people go through R and years later say they are closer than ever, but is there ever blind trust once its been taken? Are they always going to be waiting for that other shoe to drop or looking over their shoulder? Would they be as certain 5-10 years later and the AP popped up in the same grocery store? These are things I think while in R.

We got to ‘better’ but we weren’t there at just after a year.

Trickle truth does a lot of extra damage too.

I don’t think you’re stuck, it takes a lot of time and work by your husband to show he can make you feel safe again.

Marriages don’t get better because of infidelity. Some marriages can be rebuilt in spite of the damage.

As with any trauma in life, it’s what people do next.

You have to start by focusing on you and your value. When I healed up, I knew I would be great solo or married, And your spouse has to figure out what made them vulnerable to poor choices.

It’s not fast.

I’d say for us, it was about 3-years of work, healing and counseling before we started to see that we were building something different than we had. We dropped so much of the pretense and don’t hold any feelings back, a sort of raw honesty we should have had in the first place.

Another example for us is my wife is so transparent with her schedule, and her life, I don’t need or want to check her phone anymore. I don’t have to ask, because she tells me everything.

We’re closer overall, not because of what happened, but because we knew this was our last shot at having the relationship we always wanted.

I'm with Oldwounds - it takes more than a year, and it takes a lot of work.

I'm a bit concerned because you don't write about any internal work done by your H. He didn't cheat because of your M. He cheated because of some failure in himself. What has he done to close off the option of cheating?

It would never have gotten "better" the way it was. It is different, but it is good. As others have said, a shit ton of work, especially on WS's part. Counseling bi-weekly (almost 5 years out), literature, no dishonesty ever, total transparency, watching for inappropriate agendas (self), learning to avoid triggers, self-reflection and self-inventory on a regular basis, MC for us for several years, IC for me. We had to learn to communicate, how to even the power dynamic in the marriage, learn to be strong on our own. There is a lot of truth to the statement that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. The stronger we each get individually, the stronger we are as a partnership.

Can there really be a silver lining?

Absolutely. For us, as we had been living a sort of side-by-side existence, the second that my H started opening up with me and expressing a desire to be with me, things were already a TON better. Now, those first few months weren't pretty, but his willingness to be vulnerable was something I'd wanted for so long in our marriage. I knew he'd been a broken person for a long time, and needed individual therapy, but had refused it all along. Once he volunteered to start that (four days after DDay), I knew something was going to change. We had some trickle truth, which was incredibly painful, but honestly (and I've told him this), had he told me everything on DDay, I would have walked out and there would have been no repair or reconciliation. In hindsight, it worked out the best way it could, given the circumstances.

Not all men are assholes. I think one of the most important things I've learned from reading the reconciliation thread is that cheaters are broken in some way. That's a fact; and that deep level of brokenness really can't be fixed without some sort of professional guidance. I sometimes still struggle to remember that when I get going on some affair-related issue, but in the end, I know he was terribly broken. People engage in all kinds of unhealthy, hurtful and inappropriate behaviors when they're broken, but they have to want to fix themselves. Only you (perhaps with the guidance of a professional) can determine if you think he is serious about wanting to fix his brokenness.

I do think in your case, there might have been some false reconciliation going on, though, as he maintained some contact with the OW while in counseling. That is just not acceptable. If you do find out there's been any communication in the future, it would be a deal breaker. And you need to let him know that up front. In our situation, it has always been VERY clear that, if the moment came that H's AP reached out to him, he is to tell me right away. And I trust that he will. He has become so over racked with guilt that he can't carry secrets anymore. He's just not capable. You have to determine if that's your H.

It doesn't mean that things won't still be difficult as you heal, but it is possible to have a much better marriage - I'd say ours has turned 180°.

Our marriage is better after his A,but it was a rough ride and it wasn't easy. We are almost 3 yrs from dday.

It takes a lot of work and time to get through it.

First of all, it's mandatory that he cut off ALL TIES to his AP. NO COMMUNICATION. PERIOD. If this means quitting his job, it means quitting his job. It means he needs to be honest about everything and every question you ask him. Just remember you will need to be prepared for some hurtful comments. It is true that you will never have all the information, but ask what you need to know.

And this bullshit about them revisiting their relationship is just that" BULLSHIT. There was no relationship. It was an affair.

I think in some cases you can come back and have a better marriage. I also think in those cases the marriage was probably not good prior to the affair.

I find it hard to believe that like in your case, and mine,Where the marriage was strong, it will ever be better. It might be ok, But better? Hard for me to believe.

I have used the example of the beautiful white sofa where the WS looks at you and dumps a big glass of red wine on it. You can scrub it, and time will lessen the stain, but it will always be there. Now if the same sofa was ripped and very dirty, with work I t might actually be better. But a healthy marriage coming back and being better? I don’t think so

You just need to decide what is good enough. In that case, it is just what you can live with. Every situation in that case is different

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 4:37 PM, June 30th (Tuesday)]

Can marriage actually be "better" after infidelity?

I think a marriage can be different after an affair. I think if there's personal growth on both sides, you can come out stronger people. I personally struggle with better though. I mean, my marriage was better before he cheated on me. It would be better had he not cheated on me. We could have experienced growth and something different without the affair. At this point, no matter how great we get along, no matter what we rebuild, I feel like there is always going to be a black cloud over how we got there. So better? Not cheating would have been better. Different? Absolutely.

But a healthy marriage coming back and being better?

Sorry, but I fail to see how you can label a marriage healthy when one of the partners has gone out and cheated. It is NOT healthy.

Sorry, but I fail to see how you can label a marriage healthy when one of the partners has gone out and cheated. It is NOT healthy.

Marriage doesn't cause cheating.

And in most cases, at least one person in the relationship sure thought the marriage was healthy or healthy enough.

Two people in the marriage, but one chose to cheat.

I think it's an important distinction. I've see too many WS blame the marriage.

A BS can absolutely feel like their marriage was healthy -- one partner wasn't all in. Infidelity creates a competition every BS doesn't know that they were in.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 6:40 PM, June 30th (Tuesday)]

Sorry, but I fail to see how you can label a marriage healthy when one of the partners has gone out and cheated. It is NOT healthy.

I can see how you might think this. But as oldwounds alluded to from my perspective we had a great marriage. She would agree with this.

It wasn’t the marriage that was broken, it was her. She just never properly communicated that to me. I guess in that respect it might not have been as healthy as I thought. But I would turn the clock back in a second to have the marriage we did a week before she met him.

The marriage was irrevocably broken after the affair.

I don't know if it's better just different. Maybe you communicate better, spend more quality time together, try harder. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. It is a different marriage if you decide to stay after infidelity. Sometimes you still question yourself did I do the right thing by staying can I ever trust this person again.

Thanks everyone, for your responses.

To clarify a little - my husband suffers from anxiety and depression and was (I believe) in a depression when the affair started, and it was a major reason I chose to stay at the time because I couldn't believe that he was that unhappy in our marriage. I guess as @oldwounds and @waitedwaytoolong say, it's not necessarily the marriage that causes people to cheat. At the time, he was unhappy at his job and worried about his health and feeling stuck as well (midlife crisis? He is 42, I'm 40). She was there as a friend, that I've met a couple times, and an emotional affair turned into a physical one, that lasted about two months apparently. He moved to a different job right around the same time I found out (lucky for me?) so it was harder for them to communicate. Apparently she also has mental health issues and an abusive husband (and three kids!) and he said he kept in contact with her in the early days to make sure she was okay (including a time when I told him I think about telling her husband about the affair, which I haven't done - should I?!) even though he said he made it clear to her he wanted to concentrate on his family and marriage. Apparently she is the one who keeps trying to contact him. As I mentioned, I still check his email and phone (he doesn't have social media) and I haven't found any evidence of them being in touch. I feel as if I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, however, because of the track record of trickle truth.

In any case, I did feel we had a healthy marriage. As my friends were getting divorced or complaining about how their husbands didn't take care of their kids etc., I felt lucky that I had a husband who took 8 months of parental leave when our daughter was born, that we were still having sex a couple times a week, that we would still make time four ourselves and each other. The affair definitely caught me offguard. In the early days, he would say stuff like, "how could you not know I was unhappy?" Well, yess, I did know he was unhappy, I just thought he was depressed about work, exhausted from caring for a toddler etc. An affair never even crossed my mind!The reason I found out is because he was extremely not himself for a few weeks and I couldn't understand why. I checked his email and found correspondence between them. I thankfully never found any emails of him trashing me despite her saying that I apparently don't make him happy and she can, which is another reason I chose to stay because I somewhat believed it was a mistake, rather than about me/our marriage. So, he is in individual counselling to deal with his issues, and we are or were in marriage counselling before covid hit. He has answered my questions and done what I've asked, including admitting his affair to someone close to him, and I still have access to his emails/tablet/phone etc. So for the most part, I feel like we are headed in a good direction, but, as @waitedwaytoolong mentioned, the wine stain will always be on that couch! I don't know, I guess I just want to be in a place where I don't have to think about the affair on a daily basis with so many triggers. @notmine, I get the stronger as individuals thing. I am for the most part very self sufficient, which is why I know I will be okay alone, but I think that was part of the reason my husband cheated - because, he says, he didn't feel we were a team (which I think is not true because I believe he only sees the negative aspects of everything and along came someone who would eat up all his words and agree with everything he said and follow him around like a lost puppy). It's strange to think about because he used to often say my independent nature was one of the things he was attracted to.

I guess I shouldn't expect "better" -- maybe "good enough." It so hard though. How do you know??!

Some interesting ideas.

Our previous marriage was good in the sense we had a great bond. We were a good team. Matched well. Great attraction. Worked well physically and emotionally.

BUT we didn't handle conflict well. And he had a tonne of fucked up ideas conflicted interests he kept to himself. I didnf contribute to what he did directly but alot of growth and reflection showed me where I could improve and that directly does impact a relationship....

Conflict resolution is much better. We have a much more open no bounds marriage. Very insightful and deep. I believe we have talked about things most married couples never even think to discuss. We have supported each other through growing and learning and can openlg and freely discuss our own weaknesses and feel support from the other....not have it used against us.

Emotionally and as a team our dynamics and marriage is stronger and better. Which is a healthy mature way to have a marriage. I think we have lost the immature heightened head over heels/adoration. We have seen the dark gritty ugly sides of each other and that can't be undone. When you've been to rock bottom with someone you can't unsee those things. Recently my physical attraction had dwindled. I struggle with that as it was always a large component of our previous marriage. But its not manifesting in another unhealthy way e.g projecting on anyone else. Im just not as besotted with him like I used to be. I guess this is more the mature deep love people talk about. We have a deep loving connection which is healthy. But admittedly other aspects have been damaged as a result. Although the hysterical bonding was very real. So who knows maybe if can be revived. (We also have a newborn so likely responsible for this!)

Is our marriage better? Absolutely. Hes the best husband and father I could have hoped for. But its also different. And I sometimes feel the loss of that different and luckily I've learned ways to deal with that

I could of written this myself. DDay was feb 2019 so I’m just a tad ahead of you and not close to being healed. Some days I am a complete mess and need my anxiety meds since this is so overwhelming.

The difference is. My marriage was never good from day one. It was ok at best. I always tried and was the pleaser...in turn, I never did what I wanted.

I’m in limbo too.

PM me if you need to chat more. We are in the exact same place. :(

Can there really be a silver lining?

ABSOLUTELY !!! Or...in the scenario that waitedwaytoolong gave...maybe maroon . Who knows...that wine color may be a prettier color for the room decor...and you would have never known without this stain being put on that beautiful white couch . So...dye the fabric the same color as the wine stain and voila...a better couch for the surroundings !

To ME...every A is a dealbreaker to the M contract. You can either renegotiate another contract...or walk away. It can't go back to the way it was though.

MY scenario I think about is a house. My H started a fire in our beautiful house (marriage) with me in it. I managed to make it out before it burned to the ground...but we lost everything we had built during our lifetime together. However...our foundation was still intact . We could decide to walk away from it altogether. OR...we could rebuild a new house with the GOOD stuff we liked and leave out the BAD stuff that we didn't. WE built a stronger...BETTER house that suited OUR wants and needs !! There are times when we look back with nostalgia about how nice our original house was. But that house is GONE...we can't get it back no matter how MUCH we wanted to. Besides...we have aspects of that house still...along with more things we could have never had if we didn't build THIS house .

It all boils down to if BOTH people are ALL IN for R. You can't have a better M if only one is doing all the work. But I tell you...when the work is done...and you come out the other side happily in R...it is MAGICAL

My take on a 'healthy' marriage is akin to this analogy. You have a broken dinner plate with jagged edges. Half of the plate is intact, and the other half is broken in tiny pieces. With half of it broken in tiny pieces, the plate is not whole... not healthy - it can hurt you with its sharp, jagged edges. The same with a marriage, if one of you is broken, then the whole of the marriage cannot be healthy or safe.

It has nothing to do with whose fault the affair is. The affair is NOT the fault of the marriage - or the betrayed spouse. But the fact that half of it is broken, does not allow for the existence of a healthy marriage. Again, the marriage didn't cause the affair, but due to its existence, the marriage is not healthy.

To ME...every A is a dealbreaker to the M contract. You can either renegotiate another contract...or walk away. It can't go back to the way it was though.

Our marriage is better now than it was pre-affair. We pay attention to the little things. We nurture it. We work our marriage. Before we were sliding on the "always" you know the we always did it this way or we always go here, etc... Do I think we could have fixed our marriage without the affair- absolutely, but probably would have taken us a long time to even realize the problems. We have remade our marriage.

First - I can never be thankful that the affair happened. So much innocence was lost.

Second— yes the marriage can be better. I’m 5 years out and my husband and I have a great marriage. It was really good before but now it’s just really more like we’ve been through hell together and nothing could come between us again. We both put the marriage first. We argue sometimes but it’s not about winning. Our goal is to resolve our issues so we can reconnect again. We are very close. We talk about everything and we really know what each other thinks and feels.

Trust — that is a hard one. I do trust again but it’s taken a long time. I’ll try to describe why I trust. It’s not because he told me I could trust him or even his actions towards me. It’s his reactions to things. For example, if we are watching tv and there’s infidelity, he visibly gets angry at the character or he immediately softens realizing his wrong doings. It’s about how he reacts to unexpected situations. I can’t completely describe it. Anyhow I’m sure that infidelity isn’t something I have to worry about again.

With all of that being said, Every situation is different and no one can predict it. I highly suggest that you practice talking about everything together. Thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears. It will help gauge how vested he is in the marriage.