SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Apparition,

I’m sorry about what is happening to you. The regulars here read a lot of stories and those stories tend to follow a few patterns.

Do you have friends and or family that can help you go through this?

Do you have an idea at this point whether you want to D or R?

If you want to D, IMHO, you don’t need to know more.

Take care of yourself and post as many time as you need.

I also discovered a previously unknown email. The look on her face was complete terror when I presented it and told her the recovery email was one I had access. She disclosed that she had joined Ashley Madison and Adult Friend Finder. That she'd made half a dozen meetings, having sex with one of the men twice. So the count right now is three men, one of which is a former boss and decades long friend, one from Ashley Madison (2 meetings), and one from a hotel bar pickup.

She only had sex with 1 OM twice after 6 meetings with men she met on sites looking for sex? So 5 men walked away without sex for some reason? Doesn't sound likely. Sorry, she's TT'ing you over this too. Plus if she hasn't admitted to finding anyone while at a hotel bar ready and looking, there's probably more truth to be trickled from that as well. Ask yourself - is she attractive? Would she struggle to find willing sex partners? So why are the numbers that she is giving you so low? Probably because they're lies too.

Have you given more thought to a polygraph? Do you even want to be with a serial cheater who will likely do it again?

I'm really sorry this happening. Continue to seek advice here and we'll do the best we can. The information you get here is crowd-sourced and solid.

Yes, she had a burner phone. As to my wife's 1st marriage, she just admitted she cheated in that relationship, but he never caught her and it was not the reason for divorce - this I know from him.

This is really awful. As I note below, she's a serial cheater. But now you know FOR SURE that she's already done this to someone else. Her track record is horrible. She uses people and is evidently okay with going through men like shit through a goose. She's essentially a female predator. This is bad.

So we're on day five from the 1st legit disclosure. I get pretty confused about my suspicions, her disclosures, her lies, more disclosures, red herrings, gas lighting, on and on, and f'cking on.

I think you can cut a lot of this off with a couple of simple steps:

-Demand a detailed written timeline of many pages in length. Tell her this is her opportunity to "tell everything" in one fell swoop, written down so you have time to absorb it and have a reference point.

-Sign her up for a polygraph that will test the veracity of the written timeline. Tell her when it is, and that you will drive her to the appointment. Cost is typically $500-600 - you can usually ask three very targeted precise questions (the examiner will help with wording) that will get about 90 percent accuracy. You WON'T tell her the questions in advance.

These two things are a one-two punch.

The third thing involves using Dr. Fone on her phone and retrieving deleted information. Tell her you want the phone immediately for this purpose.

These three things typically force authentic disclosure.

Each day had new disclosures, such as finding out she stayed at hotels with hotel bars so that she could find possible sex partners. Check in, go to the bar, shaved, waxed and ready. It hurts.

I'm sorry but this is serial cheater territory. It is very difficult to reconcile with a serial cheater. I'm sure it can be done, but I don't think people would be doing you any favors by sugarcoating this aspect.

Lastly, I can't remember: Have you VAR'd her car and in a place where she puts on makeup?

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:21 PM, October 30th (Friday)]

she says that I just won't try and trust her.

Ha Ha.Your wife and her sense of humour. Trust her, snort.

Right now you're in an open marriage, your wife gets to date and fuck whoever she wants.

You can trust that.

I love her and this hurts. An entire life, family, children, funerals, weddings, home, friends, and so many beautiful days with her. My image of her as the best person I know is very hard to reconcile with what she's done. I want my marriage, but I'm also devastated.

I don't know if it's helpful but it might be useful to wrap your mind around a couple of concepts:

1. Your love for her part 1. Think about it this way: What she's doing is abuse. What would be the advice be for a spouse who is being abused physically by their spouse? You'd probably say "I know you have love for your husband, but you need to be in a safe place away from him until he can become a potentially safe partner." Same thing here, it's just a different kind of abuse. You're not safe and you need to be safe. A therapeutic separation, at the very least, to get you into a safe place is probably recommended here. Implement the 180 on her and separate. That would be my advice.

2. Your love for her part 2. Think about this: your love for your wife should be kept separate from any considerations of R vs. D. They are not things you should confuse and conflate. You can love someone who isn't a suitable life partner and is unhealthy for you. People love other people who are very bad for them all the time. You can love someone and divorce them. Love itself is not redemptive for an unsafe partner who is doing harmful things.

3. Your love for her part 3. Think about this: You love an illusion. The love you're struggling with is for an idealized partner you thought you had. Now you have something different, a different person than the one you thought you knew. This real person does crazymaking, hateful, abusive things to you. They endanger your health. They lie repeatedly. They don't act in loving ways, and love is a verb. However, THIS is the real person, not the idealized version you're carrying around in your head. You need to deal with this real person now, not the fictional version.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:19 PM, October 30th (Friday)]

If this continues in this vein with all of the lies and deceit and horrific serial cheating and revelations day after day, I think for your own sanity and physical health you need to cut this off and get out with your skin intact.

The fact that she was signed up on Ashley Madison and Adult Friend Finder on top of everything else not only indicates premeditation, it indicates a level of planning and a routine quality to her sexual adventuring that would be difficult for any man to accept.

You need to basically assume that there have been in fact dozens of random hookups with many male partners.

I'm deeply concerned because this sounds like a situation spiraling out of control as you're learning more and more that you are with a stone cold predator and sexual profligate.

Please take care of yourself.

Have you in fact gotten tested for STD's? Has she?

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:29 PM, October 30th (Friday)]

This is a horror story, one of the more egregious and high risk behavior examples I have read. Your wife not online is a prolific cheater, but she must be somewhat deranged, probably personality disordered.

You know so much, already, and,as others have pointed out, it is likely the tip of the iceberg. Amazing how she could pull all this off, yet appear so normal and lie so adroitly.

This is someone who has had a lifetime of practice at lying and cheating.

I think a lot of these types of people do not limit their lack of integrity to just the sexual fidelity realm. Are you aware of other areas where she lies and cheats?

I think you need to see a lawyer, pronto.

And, take care of yourself. This is big time trauma.

not only. Not online. Autocorrect, again.

The utter narcissism in that statement from her, astounding. That coming from someone who has repeatedly throw you away for years, I guarantee you will never know the full truth.

She was not going to stop and this was going to her grave. I will say this, if this is not a deal breaker for you....nothing is.

Brace yourself for more. Sorry, man. Horrific shit. Take care of yourself. She’s one nasty woman.

You should let her know that so far she is handling the post affair fall out terribly and if this is the best she can do you will not be able to reconcile

R is only possible with an honest remorseful loving adult who accepts complete responsibility not a selfish childish habitual liar running around asking other people to get better at forgiving them .

[This message edited by siracha at 7:44 PM, October 30th (Friday)]

R is only possible with a honest remorseful loving adult who accepts complete responsibility not a selfish childish habitual liar running around asking other people to get better at forgiving them.

siracha

With Ashley Madison involved you’ve basically had a one way open marriage. It may have been the same with her first husband.

The major problem is that someone who embraces the lifestyle to that degree obviously sees nothing wrong with it. It’s hard to make someone feel guilty about doing something they consider fine. It’s even harder for them to give up the pleasurable habit when there is nothing wrong with it unless people find out.

It like someone being able to eat an unlimited amount of their favorite food without ever gaining weight unless someone catches them.

She may feel guilty for hurting you but that’s it.

raised children in a combined household

Apparition

So both of you had kids when you married. You sound like a very successful and reliable family man. No wonder she considered you marriage material and a good dad for her kids.

Her motives for staying with you are to maintain her lifestyle, stability and reputation (especially with her kids. I bet they like you).

If you stay with her you’ll have a full time job as her warden checking up on her. She’s already a pro with a burner phone and can lie like a champ. That will drive you crazy because no matter what you do you’ll never be 100% sure she’s not fooling around again.

If you stay married I recommend you just assume that there will be occasional “jailbreaks". All you can do is hope that they will be few and discrete. That’s the only way to remain sane.

Nobody knows in my life, I haven't told any friends, and I'm invisible.

Apparition

You expose an affair to end it and work on the marriage.

If you’re 100% going to divorce do not expose for now. Use that for leverage to get good terms. As I said she cares about her reputation. She will want to keep you happy and not demand unreasonable terms.

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:10 AM, October 31st (Saturday)]

she did this to her first husband

now you are the second victim

she is a serial cheater. odds are very low that you will have a

successful recovery.

I really agree with Michigan. This is most likely a lifestyle habit. Some people I have seen have a desperate need to maintain some secret bad habits. I am not a psychologist but I have seen it. Some sneak away for a private smoke when they know it is wrong. Some sneak away for alcohol or drugs when you never would suspect this of them. Your WW sneaks away to maintain a private sex life apart from her normal persona. This will be a hard habit for her to break.

Some sneak away for a private smoke when they know it is wrong.

Fareast

Fareast makes a good point.

It's even worse than their example. Joining Ashley Madison and Adult Friend Finder to find strangers to have sex with is a step up from your garden variety serial cheater.

It’s like joining a smoking club instead of just sneaking out for a private smoke.

[This message edited by Michigan at 8:01 PM, October 30th (Friday)]

Appiration,

If it has not been said secure your money, financial infidelity often is a partner to sexual infidelity. Do a credit report on your WW.

I love her

Do you love the person you thought she was (who it turns out didn't exist) or the person you are just now finding out she is?

It's like one of those stories where you find out your spouse is a deep cover Russian spy. Say whaaaaa?

Work on un-knowing her, and actually seeing her with fresh eyes for the first time.

Sending strength!

each day she begins with this idea that I'm out of my mind for wanting to know more when everything has been disclosed. When I point out that just the day prior new things were disclosed and she'd used that line on that day, she says that I just won't try and trust her. I'm not trying. I'm failing. I'm looking at the past and why does it matter. I'm acting crazy.

I have been right where you are with this. My XWW did much the same to me over 22 years ago. At some point I came to the realization that more information about her immoral activities really didn't matter any more. I was just done. It took me awhile to detach, I think it was more shock than anything else. You will know when enough is enough. I wish I could give you more strength.

Be good to yourself, you did nothing do deserve this.

Brother it is a shit show

Responsibility and accountability she now knows that she has to give you what you need. But will she? Again no, she is an expert in manipulation. Why can’t you trust me?

Trust is earned when lost ,due to her actions. So she has no right to believe a few sorries I didn’t really mean the AM account, the hook ups or duration were something to loose trust over.

You do need to vent and such. Again have her move out of the bedroom, remember her lying face! Expose her actions to your family. You need their support.

Are her actions that of a person wanting to remain in a marriage?

Can her actions be put aside so to allow to R and have her continue in her role on the travel road?

Just breath, look inside yourself, listen and take your time in making any R or D choice. But she has to be responsible as we all said. She made the conscious decision that you and her family life wasn’t enough and rather than address it she signed up, moved on and made her a ah to where she is at. Now ‘trust me?’ Nah fuck that. Please get that full time line ASAP.

One day at a time.

My XWW did much the same to me over 22 years ago.

And what has become of this Looking for Mr Goodbar cyprian now?