SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Clearly I DID NOT have "The Best of Marriages". This will surprise nobody here, but huge new discoveries, more affair partners, sexual partners, and secrets. I doubt this will surprise anyone: the information was not by way of her honest and genuine attempt at disclosure, the information came doing my research that she said was unnecessary. Upon her getting a new phone and phone number, I took possession of a phone she had carefully curated - deleted texts, etc.

In the past days she's committed that what was left to disclose was "fill in the blank" on details of the sexual partners (one hotel pick up and one Ashley Madison hook-up), the EA affair partner (also sexual), and dates for how this lined up to our marriage. What I was able to find was that she kept location services on, meaning she has several years of history on her back and forth travels. I also logged into her UBER account. This reveals trips from her hotel to restaurants, to other hotels, and back to her hotel late at night. Suspicious?

There is lots more in there and almost too much to digest. It does go back further into our marriage than she previously disclosed. The sexual partners could go into the dozens. I'm in a very sad place, like I've just lost a loved one. It all looks so dark and hopeless.

I’m really sorry.

Protect yourself right now.

See an attorney and think about filing for divorce pronto.

Protect your assets and finances. Close any joint checking accounts and cancel joint credit cards. An attorney can help you with the steps.

Just like any other abused spouse you need counseling and safety.

You need to be away from her above all.

You need an individual therapist who has some knowledge of betrayal trauma.

Please keep posting here and engage with us so others can help and so we know what’s happening with you.

Brother you are in a dark tunnel, but there is a light at the end of it and it isn’t a train approaching.

I am unsure if you have sort legal advice about your rights and if your business is at risk. Know your rights and her responsibilities.

Being with a serial cheater is like a builder continuing to hit the same thumb with a hammer; eventually you stop as it fucking hurts.

You can’t do everything. Look after yourself physically and mentally. You, your parents, your business and employees need you. Your serial cheating wife needs to do everything for herself. Her reasons, full X rated time line, IC for herself, medical and STD and pregnancy tests. Anything for R is on her. You can’t do everything and you now realise this.

You are doing very well, but take a break from the pain shopping, take a breath, refocus. Then continue to gather the information you need.

We fully understand you love her and she the life you built combining both families. However; it was a lie, remember her lying face! She has never been a safe wife. You can’t fix everything even her.

Seriously, time to look at her for who she is, start the hard 180 and just every day love her that little bit less.

Now shine a light on her infidelity to family you need their support.

As always one day at a time.

You will be numb and hurting. I don't remember but I do hope you have asked her to move out for a while. If not you need to. You need to be away from the source of your pain for a couple weeks to get your head together.

It looks like your wife is now in the same league as Westway's wife. You should review his main thread. It is an eye opener and a roadmap.

Her reasons, full X rated time line, IC for herself, medical and STD and pregnancy tests. Anything for R is on her. You can’t do everything and you now realise this

.

I strongly encourage you to read this carefully.

Detach. Detach hard. Full 180 and insist on a physical separation.

You need to be physically away from this woman for your own sanity.

I know Bigger and others don't like recommending filing for D if you're not serious about it, but I think you need to work with an attorney to file very soon.

Others may have different thoughts on this. I think you need to sever your ties with this woman quickly.

Serial cheaters are an extra level of toxic that will crush you if you don't get away from it.

I know this doesn't feel good. I KNOW from experience. My STBXWW had at least 12 men, by the time I found out what I could find out.

But at least you have the truth. You did not have it when you got here.

The truth will set you free.

Take care of yourself in this time. I'm 4 years out from Dday 1 and still hurting, but doing better. And I did some stupid things that prolonged my pain.

Wishing strength your way.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 3:06 PM, November 3rd, 2020 (Tuesday)]

I'm about half way through your story. I'm sorry that you have found yourself here.

My deceased WH was also a serial cheater (men can be cheaters) too.

I decided to stay with him.

Although he told me that he cleaned his act up, he never did, all the way up to his death this past March. I never believed him but wanted to. My gut was always right on.

I stayed and endured the trauma. Felt it was my best option. Very confusing time for me living with him. Very traumatic experience. It definitely caused me PTSD, mind movies, meltdowns. Was constantly gaslighted, manipulated and lied to. Never got the full truth of who he was...

When he was flirting with other women, I started to begin to accept it and to suppress my emotions, looked the other way while he continued to emotionally abuse me.

I felt powerless while he did this. And he was so jealous because he said other men were noticing me. I didn't notice, wasn't paying attention if they were. Anyways, this has been my experience dealing with a serial cheater. He also was an alcoholic. And when a person is an addict, one addiction leads to another addiction, leads to another addiction because they are addicts. Maybe your WW is an addict.

It's your call on how you choose to live your life from this day forward. And also understand that your WW may continue this behavior for the rest of your lives together. And who knows, maybe pick up new addictions along the way, it's crazy making. I know that my WH had three addictions to my current knkwledge.

My thoughts are if you do plan to continue the marriage, you will need to become very strong in yourself and like another poster stated, set the bar very high.

Set your demands for what you expect from her and let her do the work. Step way back and do the 180. Your actions (or inactions) will allow her to see the pain that she caused to you.

When I say inactions, quit doing certain things for her that you used to do. She needs to feel the pain she caused to you and your kid's. Use firm discipline like you would with a child. How old are you and how old is your WW? I don't remember seeing your ages.

Since my deceased WH has passed away, I do feel some sort of peace in my heart, I don't have to deal with his emotionally abusive behavior anymore and it is such a relief. I do miss him though despite having to deal his abusive dark side when it reared its ugly head.

I am now learning to relax and be happy and content in my life again after dealing with so much traumatic emotional abuse at the hands of my WH. This is not the outcome I wanted though. I wanted him to fix himself. He either couldn't or wouldn't because the thrill of other women was so much greater than the desire to fix himself and become that awesome husband I wanted and deserved.

I can even say that I still love him despite his dark side, he did have a very loving and generous side to him... I'm just not sure how worth it it was to continue to stay in the marriage with him (for my own mental health).

I do believe I made the right decision to stay for quite a few reasons; for my kid's, because I financially depended on him, because I loved the good side of him, because I married him and felt that marriage was supposed to be forever... messed up and twisted thinking, I know. In the end, I feel I made the right choice to stay for even deeper reasons that I don't want to get into now.

But what is even more messed up is when we feel we have to defend ourselves against the one whom we thought we could love and trust with our lives, the one we each made promises to. And with that, we committed ourselves to each other in faithfulness, love, trust, etc. to and in front of God.

Take your time with your decision on whether to R or D, could be months (or even years) before a decision has to be made. There are so many things you can do before you get to the point of decisionmaking; spend time away from home doing something you enjoy, do something with the kid's, limit contact with her. Let her do the nice things for herself that you would normally do for her, such as making her coffee, washing her car for her, buying her clothes, flowers, jewelery, taking her out on dates, trips, candy, etc.

Show her how it feels for you not to be a part of her life without leaving the family home. Treat her with the indifference, like she did to you. You can also do the soft 180 because I understand that you still need to keep the balance in your home because of the kid's. I do understand.

It's a long journey ( maybe even years before you may feel somewhat normal and safe and it sucks) that you are about to endure and in one way or another, you will get through this. I know because I and the others who here on SI are living proof.

I hope my story can help you in some way. Again, I am sorry you are going through this too. And please remember that we are here for you.

Julia Cameron is a bestselling writer who has outlined the defining characteristics of crazymakers. She recommends excising these people out of your life whenever possible. This would obviously include infidelity -- and most certainly a serial cheater.

It's just my opinion, of course, but I don't think a soft 180 is the best option for you. It doesn't put you in a safe place and will continually re-expose you to her toxicity, which is really bad for you.

Here's the list describing crazymakers. Interestingly it lines up with almost every cheater on this site I've ever read about:

-Crazymakers spend your time and money

-Crazymakers break deals and destroy schedules

-Crazymakers expect special treatment

-Crazymakers discount your reality

-Crazymakers triangulate those they deal with

-Crazymakers are expert blamers

-Crazymakers create drama, but seldom where it belongs

-Crazymakers hate schedules-- except their own.

-Crazymakers hate order, so they introduce disorder.

-Crazymakers deny that they are Crazymakers.

Its so much easier when the cheater is manifestly a bad partner ... i cant imagine what you must be going through

Dont forget to put yourself first your food your exercise your me time supersedes everything else .

Your wife has lied to you your whole marriage - in a few weeks when you can find your feet ask yourself again CHEATING FACTORED IN was this really a good marriage ? I doubt anyone would say so

Give yourself time and preferably distance before you think of next steps .

Thumos, I only suggested a soft 180 if there are still young kids involved. They don't deserve for their world to be turned up side down more than it already is.

Regarding Bigger’s take on the recommendation of D, if I understand him correctly, he is merely stating that we maintain objectivity. That we should be careful about projecting our own horrible experiences, that have seared into our slide projectors certain indelible biases. We, as dilettante coffee table counselors must be careful to maintain therapeutic objectivity. Compulsively rushing a shell shocked fledgling BS to D immediately after his opening post in the JSO forum can be detrimental, and off putting.

I personally believe that consulting an attorney and serving up D papers as soon as possible-especially when dealing with an abusive or remorseless or foggy WS, can be very effective. But, as it is in medicine, one treatment does not fit all situations. We don’t want to practice cookbook medicine. The treatment has to be finely tailored to the endless variables that exist in everyone’s unique situation.

Suggesting something like Divorce-The Ultimate Weapon, is a deeply personal decision not to be made-or suggested, lightly.

We’re in a “Lister” culture. We like to editorialize via punctuated lists due to shortening attention spans. Just like all the Click Bait Buzz Feed crap we junk feed on all day on the internet. It’s a quick efficient way to communicate simple concepts but...very inefficient way to communicate complex issues like what is processed here on SI.

We tend to serve up tactical advice here on SI in the same “Lister” fashion.:

-NC

-STD Check

-180 his ass!

-File for D and slap em upside the head with papers!

-Shock and Awe!

It feels good to whop ass vicariously on some cheating POS the way we wish we did with our WS’s...

But....is this always therapeutic? Is this how a professional would proceed, should proceed.

I think Bigger is asking us to proceed with extreme caution, objectivity, clarity and due regard.

RealityBlows, I think I can agree in most cases. In this one it appears to get worse and worse with each update, and I’m very worried about OP’s mental health in staying with someone this outright abusive in her behaviors.

Also I think the lists are helpful. I wish I’d had the lists when I was dealing with this. It would have made my path easier and would have clarified my thinking. lists are used for a reason. Umberto Eco called lists the basis of culture. At least it gives the OP a reference point instead of having to plow thru all of our word salads.

[This message edited by Thumos at 7:35 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

Yes I agree, Lists have a place. I use lists and algorithms all the time at work. They’re very effective when your mind is overwhelmed, when you’re on the horns of some dilemma, such as on and after DD. I myself use them all the time here.

I’m also many times in the D camp. Having been through D, I’m not afraid of it. Wish I did it sooner. BUT...to the newly initiated, the concept is absolutely frightening. And it should probably be suggested so very gently with respect to the enormity of what we’re suggesting. I think we all do pretty damn good with that. We tone down the tempo when a thread gets us fired up. That’s why I believe this site is so successful.

The different perspectives and balance of views keeps on an even keel. Keeps the advice wholistic. Holistic? I always appreciated every poster no matter how extreme.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:09 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

Interesting point. It Wasn’t frightening to me right after DDAY but I was amd am definitely concerned about impact on my kids. Should not be minimized at all to your point

Omfg what a disgusting human. I dont know if I should say this but for the love of god stop digging and start the divorce proceedings. After that just take your time grieving the death of a loved one because this infidelity sure as heck murdered the one you loved. This woman is just not it anymore.

Hope you get through this as soon as possible.

Compulsively rushing a shell shocked fledgling BS to D immediately after his opening post in the JSO forum can be detrimental, and off putting.

Yup.

The worst possible outcome here at SI would be if someone divorced because they took the advice of a bunch of people on the internet who were telling them to D. They need to truly own the decision, and that takes time.

At the same time, hearing people talk about their own D and what they would do in this case, for example, can "give them permission" to take the route themselves. It's OK to walk the path. You are not alone, and in fact you are in the majority. It's complicated.

I'm a ski patroller, and in our Fall refresher training we talk about helping someone who is having a heart attack take their own medicine. We can assist them, but ultimately they have to put the medicine in their own mouth with their own hand. It reminded me of our role here.

I find the best advice on SI, once you get past the obvious ones of eat, see a lawyer, etc., is always in the form of a question. Either one we that ask directly, or one that we suggest they ask for themselves.

Apparition, just who is it that you are actually married to? Is that the person you thought you were married to?

Sending strength!

Keeping in mind I am divorcing...

I think the hardest thing for me has been to reconcile the fact that I was married to a vile abuser who risked my life and lied to me with the public persona of THE ex and I holding hands shopping for veggies in the farmer's market on Sat and sitting in worship on Sunday.

The brain has a bit of a time reconciling these sorts of things.

The abuse, cognitive dissonance and my subsequent freeze response led me to delay leaving when I personally should have brought things to a screeching halt immediately upon finding the first inappropriate thing instead of being trickle truthed, co abused by marriage counseling and people who supported the affair etc.

I am with Thumos that infidelity is severe abuse, but you may feel differently.

Also the STD thing. There are private places you can pay to go get the full panel. Most doctors have told people I have known that herpes 2 was not needed because so many people have it. But I know someone whose husband unknowingly gave it to her because his ex wife was a lying cheater and had it.

Long timer here. Late to this party.

First and foremost... Nothing you have done, or have not done in your life, and in your M has lead to this and nothing you have or have not done is an equal sin. So put that shit aside.

Your wife has taken your safety and health, and thrown them out the window. I know you stated you had an STD test, please make sure this included Hepatitis, HIV, and all the common STI's. She has clearly had more partners than you realize, and with each one has put her health, and your safety at risk.

This is HUGE trauma. I know your head is spinning right now, and you are just trying to get a good grasp on the level of betrayal she committed on you. I think at this point you should stop digging, hit the pause button on discovery, and possible reconciliation and see an attorney. You need to know your rights, and her obligations. You need to get a solid understanding of what D will look like for you. I say this as gently as possible, because people that do what your wife has been doing don't just magically stop because they have been discovered. They also don't stop when they are threatened with Divorce. People that engage in this level of attention seeking behavior are fundamentally broken at a level that is not fixed unless that person fully commits themselves to digging into their broken bits, and healing them, but even then the long term success rate is probably lower than a drug addict staying clean.

This is NOT something that you can fix. You also can't make her want to fix herself. None of us as humans can force another to do something they are unwilling to do. It is a hard thing to accept especially in these early days.

Therapy for you to help you deal with this trauma is a good ideas.

Meeting w/ your Dr to discuss the level of trauma you are currently enduring is also important. If you are not sleeping and struggling to eat it can effect your health in many ways. When you are stressed like this it can raise blood pressure, cause strokes, and heart attacks. Please consider this and discuss it with your Dr, you may benefit from medications at least initially in this. Many people do.

Most people here who have walked the path of getting out of infidelity will tell you that it was the biggest trauma of their life. Do NOT minimize this. This is something that takes years to heal from no matter what path you choose.

Remember you are good man, who loves his family and his children. You deserve respect, honesty, and fidelity. If your wife is incapable of doing these simple things, then you need to explore how you will deal with it. But brother, if you choose to tolerate it, or rugsweep it, it will chip away at your self esteem and sanity until you are completely broken.