SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FWIW, someone claiming to be a counselor once wrote to me in response to my relating how I knew pretty quickly it was a dealbreaker and taking fast action to divorce.

This person claimed experience counseling lots of BS. She said that the ones she found recovered fastest and most completely were those who acted similarly. She said they knew themselves well and adhered to their values well. She speculated these qualities aided their fast recovery.

a1-7, sorry you had a reason to come looking for this forum, but since you did I'm glad you found it. There is a lot of good advice here from people who've walked in your shoes. Take the advice that resonates with you, and leave the rest.

Regarding your situation:

He approached me at a bar that my wife and I both go to, and told me she'd been sleeping with someone there. He said he was telling me because it had happened to him and he'd have wanted to know.

Yep,once this has happened to you there is a sense of obligation to help others who find themselves in a similar situation. He took a risk with very little reward for himself, but it was the right thing to do.

I think what makes this particularly painful is that we have never had a great sex life... So to then find out, her libido is just fine if she's with another man, is frankly devastating...she liked sex, just not with me.

That's a pretty rationale assessment, and if it is true there are so many better ways for her to deal with it. Yet, she chose the shittiest "solution". Between the A and subsequent decision to conceal and lie about it she's given you plenty of ammunition to doubt her character and decision making abilities. Keep that in mind as you move forward.

I have supported her financially and emotionally, and I think I'm just done now.

and

...she seems to be really sorry, has already found herself a therapist, and she wants to reconcile.

Hmm, I wonder why? Not really, see your own quote directly above.

Yet I don't really want to. Does that make me a bad person?

Not at all. She broke your vows, the old M is dead by all accounts. You are totally in control in deciding if you want to build a new relationship and M with her knowing what you now know.

Take advantage of the collective wisdom here. Read as much as you can about other BHs (those who R'ed and D'ed). Whichever path you go, a separtion may help you process the situation without a constant reminder of her betrayal (i.e., her) nearby.

I wish you well.

Even early in our relationship, in the phase where sex is more natural, I always wanted more than her. I loved her though, so I eventually accepted living with less than I wanted. Relationships are compromise, right? So to then find out, her libido is just fine if she's with another man.

I have supported her financially and emotionally.

She wants to reconcile.

a1234567

My bet is that you’re a stable nice guy with a good job. In other words “marriage material”.

She wants to keep the benefits of being with a guy like you but you never turned her on.

You might be respectful and loving in bed while a bad boy that treats her rough turns her on.

But she knows that bad boys are not marriage material.

She had you for support and her boyfriend for fun. Great life for her.

She wants to keep you for support. Find a woman that you turn on.

[This message edited by Michigan at 1:08 PM, May 1st (Saturday)]

Sorry for the situation you are in.

You had two options, and it looks like you're choosing the better one.

If you are really determined to D, you can ignore the recommendations that apply to R. For example, knowing every detail of the A can cause mind movies. Or to ask your WW to take some actions for R would be superfluous. If the result is inevitable, it would be wrong to give her hope.

There are some really sound recommendations here. OP, from personal experience I'd suggest you not even make an effort to learn more about her actions. She'll most likely lie through her teeth and force you to be a detective to learn anything more than what she's trapped into admitting.

And if you stay....she'll probably lose any remaining respect she had for you *because* you tacitly approved of her inhumane treatment. It's a twisted kind of catch-22.

She said the affair lasted 8 months and ended 2 years ago. I asked her why she did it, why she ended it, why she never told me, all she could say was that she didn't know.

She had an affair for 8 months. She knows exactly why she had the affair. She doesn't want to be divorced and so the truth you will not get.

she liked sex, just not with me.

I believe you have found your answer.

I always wanted more than her. I loved her though, so I eventually accepted living with less than I wanted. Relationships are compromise, right? So to then find out, her libido is just fine if she's with another man, is frankly devastating.

I have supported her financially and emotionally

Unfortunately your situation is not uncommon. Your wife selected you for stability. She settled for you and chose to seek excitement elsewhere.

You are not a bad person for wanting to divorce. Your wife's choice to have an affair not only opened your marriage up it ended it. What reason do you have to stay? A broken trust will always be just that - broken. Nobody wants to be settled for or the back up / plan B. Do you really want to always have a doubt at the back of your mind when you are away or she is out? Who she is with? What she is doing? Really not worth the effort.

Rest assured you will have no regrets after you divorce. You gave your best and got her worst in return. Do not let her recent turn around in behavior fool you. She cheated on you for months. She will likely do it again. Even if she doesn't, do you really want to take that chance?

She didn't confess. A stranger came up to you and told you about her affair. She hasn't told you the truth and you shouldn't ever expect her to. Her actions have proven to you she is not marriage material. Believe her.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 9:58 AM, May 2nd (Sunday)]

My bet is that you’re a stable nice guy with a good job. In other words “marriage material”.

She wants to keep the benefits of being with a guy like you but you never turned her on.

You might be respectful and loving in bed while a bad boy that treats her rough turns her on.

But she knows that bad boys are not marriage material.

So a lot of people are making a variation on this point, and I can certainly see why, given the information I've shared so far. But here's the thing... when I first got with WW, I was not really marriage material. I had an unstable, part time job in the arts with no benefits, and spent most of my time goofing off. I also used to be more forceful in bed back then, but she didn't like that (our compatibility has always been bad there) so I toned it down eventually.

While I think that the economic dynamic is definitely in play now (I'm sure my money is part of why she wants to reconcile), there's no way she could have predicted that I would be so "marriageable". I did a career change when we had already been together for years (my idea, not hers), and that only started to bear fruit to where I could support her once we were already married. The sex has been bad to mediocre from when I was poor to when I wasn't. I think this is part of why I didn't suspect this more obvious story.

Somewhat ironically, the affair seems to have started shortly after I got my first really "good" job. We already had problems then though, she was actually so jealous that her own career wasn't going well that she wasn't even happy for me when I got that job. I should have divorced her then.

Anyway, I don't know if this information is constructive to others, but since everyone has been generous with their stories I thought I'd share a bit more of mine, particularly since I think the thread was herding towards a trope that doesn't seem quite right to me.

Hey OP, sorry if I missed this, or maybe you want to keep it private, but how old are the two of you, and, how long have you been married?

You have no kids, she doesn't work but still felt compelled to cheat on you. From the sidelines here looks like somebody's taken you for granted.

From what you've shared with us, she sounds like a boat anchor in your life. Let go the anchor and sail on.

Yeah 100% made up my mind to D; I will be dropping the dead weight. We’re both in our early thirties, we got married a little less than 5 years ago.

Reasons for reconciling that I think carry a lot of weight are if you had something really special, you've had a long marriage, there's young children involved, your wife is really sick, hell maybe even you want to protect your business interests.

Don't think we've heard any of that from you.

Reconciling you're looking at a slog of a couple years to get things approaching normal. Then trying to work thru a dynamic where you don't have to be her father or her parole officer correcting her naughty ways and checking up on her. You're a young man, fuck that.

As you move forward through the D process, take care of you. There is a lot of pain involved in the D process. Either way out of infidelity, R or D, involves pain. Get into IC if it helps you. You will be on an emotional rollercoaster as all of your future plans have been blown up and you must sit back and think about what you want going forward. Get stronger for you. Exercise, eat healthy and get out with friends.

There is a lot of anxiety in contemplating a future romantic relationship. It’s best to heal emotionally first before dating again. The best part of the D process is that you eliminate the person who caused you such pain from your life, and you never need to worry about her cheating on you again. She is gone. But, nothing is for certain and there is no guarantee that a future partner will not cheat on you as well. We often see here a BS come back having been cheated on by a new partner. Statistically second marriages do not fare well. The divorce rate for second marriages is over 60% while only 50% for first marriages. There is a recent discussion in the New Beginnings forum here about the joy and independence of just living your life without a partner. Something to consider.

You have done well coping with this emotional trauma so far, and you seem to have a clear head and firm sense of the direction that is best for you. Good luck moving forward.

Have you been able to find out anything on the POS OM? I’m a big proponent of informing the OBS, if there is one, and would encourage you to make that a priority. So that she has some agency in her life decisions, again, if there is one. Do not take your WW’s word on this, a common lie for Ws is the other person was single, you should verify.

Also, how long since D Day?

From what I’ve seen, in my experience and on these forums, those that act decisively and without haste get through this MUCH better.

a1234567,

Why would your WW prefer to have sex with a stranger rather than you?

She probably doesn’t; very often WW will exchange sex for ego kibbles. She gets to hear how pretty, wonderful she is and gives sex as a payment.

The most important part is to not blame yourself. She is a broken individual whose behavior is destructive to herself and to those who surround her.

You're in your early thirties, no kids, with few financial entanglements, with a marriage that was approaching dead bedroom status before you knew about her adultery.

And now this. The ultimate shit sandwich, broken trust, married to a broken person who was never going to tell you.

A lot of us have a lot of entanglements, kids, etc.

You don't.

In some jurisdictions, I think (but don't quote me on this) that a shorter marriage would also not expose you to alimony.

Get out now and you can walk away with your skin intact and a better financial future. A lot of very wonderful women out there who would never do something like this.

In a very short marriage, it seems you never even got a honeymoon/newlywed phase with your WW when she should have been at least somewhat more enthusiastic about sex.

Seems like she never was.

So consider: that time when you were newlyweds is probably the best you'll ever get.

Your WW is a bad bet.

You deserve a rewarding life with a woman who wants to be your life partner, who is attracted to you (and you find mutually attractive) and who wants to regularly have pleasurable sex with you. Ideally no fewer than 3-4 times a week for a healthy couple in their thirties.

That woman is not your wife, but she's out there.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:06 PM, May 3rd (Monday)]

Have you been able to find out anything on the POS OM? I’m a big proponent of informing the OBS, if there is one, and would encourage you to make that a priority. So that she has some agency in her life decisions, again, if there is one. Do not take your WW’s word on this, a common lie for Ws is the other person was single, you should verify.

Also, how long since D Day?

@DeWittle

OM is a bartender at the bar, so while I don't know him, I have seen him around. WW would hang out there more than me, but I went a fair amount. All the other bartenders were always super friendly to me because WW was a regular, but OM was always aloof. I never thought much about it at the time (not everyone's going to like me), but in retrospect it SCREAMS at me that I should have noticed this. Anyway, I say all of that to say, I saw him around enough and he wasn't wearing a ring, and WW says they always went to his place to hook up. So while it's possible he has a BW, I doubt it, and the idea of going back to that bar is painful. Plus, I don't want to see him and find myself in a righteous rage and do something I might regret. So I don't think I'm going to go down that path, at least not soon, much as any other woman in his life deserves to know, I have to take care of myself first right now.

DD was a little over two weeks ago.

Why would your WW prefer to have sex with a stranger rather than you?

She probably doesn’t; very often WW will exchange sex for ego kibbles. She gets to hear how pretty, wonderful she is and gives sex as a payment.

@ShutterHappy

First thank you for saying this, it is helpful in not blaming myself. And I actually think it's true. She has said things to a similar effect, that she liked the attention, it made her feel good etc. AND that she didn't like the sex. It's obviously impossible for me to know if that's really true, she has every reason to lie about it if she loved the sex, but it tracks with my personal experience. Even when I was the exciting new person in her life, she never seemed to love sex. So this is basically the story I'm telling myself, it lines up with my understanding of the facts and it is helpful in not beating myself up.

In some jurisdictions, I think (but don't quote me on this) that a shorter marriage would also not expose you to alimony.

Get out now and you can walk away with your skin intact and a better financial future. A lot of very wonderful women out there who would never do something like this.

@Thumos

You are correct about this! I confirmed with a lawyer last week. In my jurisdiction a marriage of less than 10 years and no kids means no one is entitled to alimony. And thank you much for the kind words. As my initial rage and despair have dulled into sadness, I have been finding myself dreading dating again. I thought that part of my life is over. But you're right, a lot of good women out there!

There is a lot of anxiety in contemplating a future romantic relationship. It’s best to heal emotionally first before dating again. The best part of the D process is that you eliminate the person who caused you such pain from your life, and you never need to worry about her cheating on you again. She is gone. But, nothing is for certain and there is no guarantee that a future partner will not cheat on you as well. We often see here a BS come back having been cheated on by a new partner. Statistically second marriages do not fare well. The divorce rate for second marriages is over 60% while only 50% for first marriages. There is a recent discussion in the New Beginnings forum here about the joy and independence of just living your life without a partner. Something to consider.

@fareast --

Oof! I knew intellectually about the rates for second marriages, but man it is different when that's my best case scenario. Not really what I wanted to hear, but probably good to hear it. I definitely need to get myself to a healthy place to have a chance of avoiding that. I am working on getting IC already just to work through the trauma and inevitable trust issues. Taking care of myself is really hard right now though. No one here to care what I'm doing, you know? I had quit smoking for years but I got one pack and that somehow turned into 3. Got to cut that out first I think.

Anyway, thanks again for the support and thoughtful comments.

a123,

You wrote, Oof! I knew intellectually about the rates for second marriages, but man it is different when that's my best case scenario. Not really what I wanted to hear, but probably good to hear it. I definitely need to get myself to a healthy place to have a chance of avoiding that.

Be glad you are not your WW she had to either lie, even if by omission, or tell her next partner she cheated on you.

You on the other hand have a story which establishes your decency and integrity.

I was cheated on and dumped for the AP. I was in my late 20's at the time. Spent some years as a single man and, I won't lie, had a ton of casual sex. Eventually got out of that and started living a healthy single life, then met the woman who is now my wife of many years. It was also a second LTR for her. We both went through a bad breakup of the first LTR, which made us each wiser and clearer in terms of what we wanted. It's been good.

I have been finding myself dreading dating again. I thought that part of my life is over. But you're right, a lot of good women out there!

No rush. You'll need to get your head on straight before jumping into a relationship with another woman.

My only point with mentioning that was to help you see that your WW isn't all that special. There are lots of other quality women out there in the world, many of them are in your geographic proximity, many will be interested in you, and a number of them will be good candidates for long-term relationships.

And I am willing to bet none of them would do this to you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:53 PM, May 3rd (Monday)]

a1234567

You are correct about this! I confirmed with a lawyer last week. In my jurisdiction a marriage of less than 10 years and no kids means no one is entitled to alimony. And thank you much for the kind words. As my initial rage and despair have dulled into sadness, I have been finding myself dreading dating again. I thought that part of my life is over. But you're right, a lot of good women out there!

You'll find a good woman when you least expect it. I filed for D after my now XWW had a 6 month EA and literally gave every penny we had to her scammer ($60k). I met someone on Instagram...she DM'd me 1st...we been talking for 6 months now, and when she returns from her overseas assignment, we're going to make our relationship a bit more formal.