SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your sounding far more relaxed.

Coming to terms with things and maybe seeing she's not as much of a loss as you thought.

"Sometimes I feel like I probably wouldn't hear from her at all, if it weren't for kids and money"

That my man is 100% the truth.

Short texts to the point about the children. If she wants to have a conversation about what you all did and where did you go & how did they enjoy it she can ask them, she is a WW and is fucking some other dude your WW doesn't deserve your updates, that ended when she left. You are prolonging your agony, move on your WW has.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:22 PM, June 17th (Wednesday)]

Dear Hurt,

I know how difficult it is because you crave her attention still, but without NC the only one who will end up perpetually in pain, is you.

You have to break the cycle of contact with her unless it's about kids and finances and even then you must decipher the motive and decide if a response is necessary.

You have to be cynical. She is feeding off your niceness and by keeping you 'on side' she is hoping that you will let your guard down and go easy on her in the divorce.

She still views you as plan B. You are still providing her with a crutch. You are giving her kibbles.

No offense taken. I appreciate any and all objective feedback. No, it has nothing to do with me dragging my feet. I've talked to several other divorced people recently. The final day of divorce WILL be a milestone and nasty memory. Maybe not in 10 years but in the next 2 or 3 years? Without a doubt. It's a matter of 3 weeks. Thanks again for the comments, but my mind is made up on that particular point.

My divorce was final 4 years ago on June 6th. I didn't even think about it this year until I read this very post. I might have spent a few moments thinking about it on the previous anti-versaries, but I don't remember.

Really, it's not nearly that big a deal (at least for me). Those old milestones (our old wedding anniversary, DDay, seperation day, the day our divorce became final) have reached the point of complete irrelevance. Even though we seperated the day after Christmas in 2010, my current holiday cheer doesn't suffer a single bit. I'm too busy creating new memories to bother with those old ones.

And eventually you will come to regard this...

Sometimes I feel like I probably wouldn't hear from her at all, if it weren't for kids and money.

...as a good thing

[This message edited by PlanNine at 8:45 AM, June 17th (Wednesday)]

Thank you everyone for the support and feedback. PlanNine, good to hear that the day of divorce eventually ends up not being a big deal. I'm talking with my attorney this week and starting paperwork. Still planning to file right after July 4th holiday weekend, which will make everything final early January 2016. In terms of the NC, I see everyone's point but I'm so close to filing now that I'm just gonna stick with what I've been doing for another couple weeks. Not sure what WW's motivation is for wanting to feel like "friends" but regardless, it has made her MUCH easier to work with on details of D and child custody. After we get everything in the system, I won't feel nearly as compelled to play along.

But honestly, I don't mind talking to her. Sure, it's probably dragging out my recovery, but it gives me a sense of feeling normal and still connected to her. And little by little, it is getting easier to not expect those texts or calls. Guess everyone has to choose what works best for them, but I've found that the gradual detachment has been easier to handle than the cold turkey NC approach.

You do what works best for you.

If an amicable divorce works best for you and the kids then do it.

You know what you are dealing with and whom you are dealing with.

And no matter what transpires you will always be tied to your STBXW through the kids.

Hurtin, I feel like I've been w/ you through this from the beginning. You're doing fine, and your strategy makes sense. You sound self-aware enough to be eyes-wide-open for self-inflicted pain. It is tough, but you're doing great.

what WW's motivation is for wanting to feel like "friends"

I'll tell you EXACTLY what her motivation is. It makes her feel less of an ass. If she can self-congratulate for "being adult enough" to be friends, she won't be forced into self recognizing what a childish selfish ass she's being.

A slight bit off topic. In many States if you are laid off and need to sign an agreement to get the severance package you become eligable to collect unemployment at the same time rather than having to wait for the severance to end. Might end up having more $$$ than you expect as a result.

Not sure what WW's motivation is for wanting to feel like "friends" but regardless, it has made her MUCH easier to work with on details of D and child custody. After we get everything in the system, I won't feel nearly as compelled to play along.

It is her attempt to whitewash her betrayal. She figures since now you're more cool with it (in her mind) and being amicable through the S and D process that what she did behind your back with OM and with other OM's in the past is to be all forgiven because you two will end up being such great friends and co-parents. Now did you almost regurgitate your last meal when you read that?

I agree. Play along with the "niceties" for the interim and give her no reason to think you are doing this for your own benefit, then once the ink is dry on the decree you shut down the "friend zone" bullshit. Is there a time you two can actually be friends? I would imagine that would be a time when your STBXW dumps this dipshit OM, stays single and goes to therapy for a while and fixes her broken, gets a respectable job and becomes self sufficient, finally grows up and acts like an adult woman instead of some love struck teen for the "man of the month", basically gets her shit together and earns your respect. Until that time, she will continue to try putting emotional "quarters" up your ass so you can dispense her those yummy ego kibbles for as long as you allow. From this point she thinks you can be her BFF that she can share all her future boy friend secrets with (tee-hee-hee!) and have pillow fights and eat gobs of ice cream in your panties while listening to Taylor Swift songs.

FTN!

Get all John Wayne on her when its official. Don't slap her around, but treat her like some annoying horse fly and shoo her away for anything else but the kids and finances.

[This message edited by Jduff at 9:25 AM, June 17th (Wednesday)]

Thanks Happy. I've been doing a lot of reading lately on personality disorders. I'm convinced that WW definitely has something along those lines. I don't know if I would call her narcissistic but there are some deep rooted issues that would take months or years of therapy. And as of now, she doesn't even see that she has a problem, so not sure it will ever happen. So for me, it helps reinforce my decision. She isn't capable of being in a long term, committed relationship in her current mental state. Any life with her would eventually involve more lies, loneliness, and infidelity. There is no doubt in my mind that the current OM is going to experience the same sooner or later, and then she'll be off to the next feel good, short term fix. I've noticed that she likes to update her profile pic on FB pretty frequently, and of course a bunch of people always have to thumbs up or give her a compliment. And when those die down, time for a new pic. Yet another sign of needing that constant validation. Also noticed lately that there are some guys in her new social circle commenting on how good she looks, so I wouldn't be surprised that one of them is the future OM, but at least it won't be my problem anymore. Wish I knew how to fix things and get her back to the girl I knew, but I know I can't. Hoping for better times ahead.

Wish I knew how to fix things and get her back to the girl I knew, but I know I can't. Hoping for better times ahead.

How's this? She was never (hard to believe, I know) "the girl (you) knew." She never was. You were seeing your impression of her-who you wanted her to be. She is showing you who she is. And no, you can't fix that, as you know. Only she can.

And you will definitely have better times ahead. Lots of fish in that big sea, my friend.

Thanks for the updates.

If I were you, I'd try to file as soon as possible, because you never know when she'll stop being nice or when her OM will dump her etc.

Best wishes!

Or maybe not even file, but maybe try to convince her to sign a legally binding agreement on the main issues of divorce (talk to your lawyer about the specifics, ask if she needs to have her own lawyer review etc.), while she's still in la-la-land.

Great advice Hobbes and it's been on my mind for same reasons you mentioned. Right now, she's being reasonable and still sort of living in the land of pink clouds. I'm worried that the longer I wait and the fantasy starts to wears off, she may start having 2nd thoughts about even wanting a D. And when I push, it's likely to turn nasty at that point. The attorney said around 2 weeks to gather all the important info so at this point, don't think it's gonna happen any faster than I originally planned so still thinking 2nd week of July. I'm not worried about that so much as I am how she's gonna feel 6 months down the road. Even if I wanted to try and work things out at some point in the future, I'm committed to the D regardless. We just crossed 18 years and I was informed that after 20 years of M, the courts start considering permanent spousal support. No way in Hell am I paying her for the rest of my life just for an extra year or two in a shitty M. In fact, thinking about it now, that may be a good part of the reason she doesn't seem in any particular hurry.

Until that time, she will continue to try putting emotional "quarters" up your ass so you can dispense her those yummy ego kibbles for as long as you allow. From this point she thinks you can be her BFF that she can share all her future boy friend secrets with (tee-hee-hee!) and have pillow fights and eat gobs of ice cream in your panties while listening to Taylor Swift songs.

JDuff, I have to admit that line made be laugh. Now I'm trying to picture the two of us sitting around with a gallon of ice cream and big fluffy pillows. But I was very clear up front that the topic of OM was off the table. I don't want to know how he's doing, how they spent the weekend together, nothing. Basically he doesn't exist in my mind, other than knowing he's the royal fuck tard who she's currently sleeping with. Oh she tried at first. And tried saying that with that kind of restriction, she wouldn't have much to talk about. My response: oh well. We've got kids, our immediate families, friends, work, etc. ANYTHING but shit for brains. She hasn't pushed it since then and funny enough there has been plenty to discuss, outside of her weekends, which I assume are filled with ass hat.

Having a bit of a hard time today. Don't know if it's the cloudy weather or what. That's my reason for multiple postings today. Thanks for all the support guys.

Hurt

You D her to protect yourself and your kids.

All you can say is you had a good 18 years with her.

Get her into the "co parent" frame of mind. The girl you loved and married was someone that you used to know.

Heal.

Then replace her!

You are going to realize that STBXW has become a selfish person. She feels she deserves better.

She feels she is entitled to "better".

Very, very common when special needs children are in the picture.

HM

OK, I did something most of you would probably consider foolish last night. I had plans to hike with a group but it was rained out so I was looking at a night of sitting around the house moping alone, since WW was taking kids. She found out and invited me to spend the night with them. I was feeling pretty lonely so figured it was better than spending the night by myself. We all went to dinner and had a nice time. Felt like a normal family night.

While we were out, OM texts her as we're starting to eat and wants her to call since he's on a break from work. She literally rolls her eyes, makes a comment about how he always does that, then excuses herself for a few minutes to call. She seemed annoyed. After dinner, we came back to the house and talked for another hour. She seemed reluctant to leave but mentioned how she "had to have dinner ready for him when he got home" and again seemed annoyed. I swear, every time I see her, it's another 2 or 3 minor complaints.

So as I'm listening to her, I start wondering what in the Hell must she have been saying about me a few weeks ago? OM has started to become me in just a few months. The romance and magic is wearing off, leaving nothing but the mundane duties and stress of normal life. And something just clicked inside me: this woman is incapable of being happy with anyone right now. No matter how great the guy seems at first, it's only going to be good for a few months before she starts to become disillusioned and wanting "more" again. If I took her back, would be no different. Probably great for a couple of months, then back to where we were.

I also noticed as we were talking that she just loves to talk about herself. Sure, she'll ask an occasional question about me or the kids, but it's always a brief conversation. But get her talking about herself, and you can be busy for hours. The girl who used to be so caring, would do anything for her kids or husband, has become a self-centered, mentally ill person. And there's no doubt any longer in my mind that we have to divorce. I've been saying it all along but last night I think I fully accepted it. Today I'm feeling a little bummed, but not because I miss WW, but because I know for sure it's over. I can't be with someone who is incapable of being happy and returning my love.

So funny enough, the face to face time has helped me to move on. I can only pray that my resolve sticks with me through the next few months.

Thanks for the updates! I'm glad that the recent interaction has helped you to see the real her that she has become or perhaps always been.

How are the kids doing?

Best wishes

I was informed that after 20 years of M, the courts start considering permanent spousal support.

I was in the same boat. But I found out that if you have a pre-negotiated settlement going in, the judge is most likely going to sign off on it. I used my xWW's fear of embarrassment to negotiate a settlement, and let's just say that I came out a lot better than 1/3 of my gross for the rest of my life.

Only if the judge is forced to decide is he bound by the formulas they enacted here that make support a cut-and-dried "how much for how long." I think judges even prefer it. It goes along with their desire to "don't bring me any drama, and don't tie up my court, let's just get this done."

My lawyer spent a lot of time telling me what I should and shouldn't do in order to avoid "annoying the judge" and in the end the hearing took 10 minutes, in and out.

JDuff, I have to admit that line made be laugh. Now I'm trying to picture the two of us sitting around with a gallon of ice cream and big fluffy pillows. But I was very clear up front that the topic of OM was off the table. I don't want to know how he's doing, how they spent the weekend together, nothing. Basically he doesn't exist in my mind, other than knowing he's the royal fuck tard who she's currently sleeping with. Oh she tried at first. And tried saying that with that kind of restriction, she wouldn't have much to talk about. My response: oh well. We've got kids, our immediate families, friends, work, etc. ANYTHING but shit for brains. She hasn't pushed it since then and funny enough there has been plenty to discuss, outside of her weekends, which I assume are filled with ass hat.

I was hoping that image would make you chuckle. When you can start to find humor in how ludicrous your STBXW behaves you know you are getting to a good stable place within yourself. Look, it wasn't too long ago she wanted you to be a designated driver so she could drink at a bar and likely bitch some more about her AP. She still pushes this despite your stated boundaries about conversation topics.

While we were out, OM texts her as we're starting to eat and wants her to call since he's on a break from work. She literally rolls her eyes, makes a comment about how he always does that, then excuses herself for a few minutes to call. She seemed annoyed. After dinner, we came back to the house and talked for another hour. She seemed reluctant to leave but mentioned how she "had to have dinner ready for him when he got home" and again seemed annoyed. I swear, every time I see her, it's another 2 or 3 minor complaints.

So as I'm listening to her, I start wondering what in the Hell must she have been saying about me a few weeks ago? OM has started to become me in just a few months. The romance and magic is wearing off, leaving nothing but the mundane duties and stress of normal life. And something just clicked inside me: this woman is incapable of being happy with anyone right now. No matter how great the guy seems at first, it's only going to be good for a few months before she starts to become disillusioned and wanting "more" again. If I took her back, would be no different. Probably great for a couple of months, then back to where we were.

THAT IS IT RIGHT THERE! You are absolutely correct! Do you see what's happened now? You and the OM actually are in the process of role reversal. She is attempting an EA with you like I warned you about earlier. You are now experiencing what all her other OM's are experiencing in the past, the process of the slippery slope with her. Her infidelity had absolutely nothing to do with you or the M and what is happening between you two now should underlined bolded, and italicized as proof for you. It is all on her and her broken, and part of her broken is not understanding what mature love really means. She is stuck in the "limerance" stage for life until she recognizes this herself and addresses it. All I can tell you is that is a LOT of years to unravel and correct in therapy. She is literally a teenager stuck in a middle aged body. My opinion, you don't have time to raise a teenage girl in addition to your four boys. Other than getting to your own strong individual self to be the best single dad ever, if the opportunity does come down the road for another relationship it would help you and your boys far more if it is with a mature, self sufficient, well centered and healthy minded woman who would cherish the opportunity to share her life with you and your boys...maybe add another little HA in the future...who knows.

My fiance is 7yrs younger than my XW and displays FAR more strength, morals, character, responsibility on her pinky finger than my XW can add up in the lifetime of my old M. I'm telling you because when you find that better woman and are in a better relationship you will see that the contrast between that and your old M is night and day.

Now, go find longer pole and start poking your STBXW away from your daily life.

And there's no doubt any longer in my mind that we have to divorce. I've been saying it all along but last night I think I fully accepted it.

It's kinda like those videos you see of kids who are having cochlear implants switched on for the first time. They've been deaf their whole lives, and then "BING!" they can hear.

It sucks that your marriage ended this way, but it's good that you made it to this point. You will be comfortable with YOUR decisions, and you WILL be better off without her.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 11:33 AM, June 18th (Thursday)]