SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Brutal but honest feedback, as usual, and expected here. Sincerely, I do want to thank everyone who takes the time to read and respond. I really do appreciate it more than I can say.

OK, so to address some of the replies brought up:

A) Serve her D papers

B) knows you really have moved on and aren't her BFF anymore

C) knows you are dating other women.

JDuff, you may be right about serving the papers. I go back and forth every few days about it. Let me just say for now, I am unemployed, although I do have an interview this week, so the right course of action at this time is to wait. I think that once I actually land another job, WW's expectations are that the money supply starts up again and it's going to be drama unless I give her exactly what I was doing before, which IS NOT going to happen. So after thinking about it yet again, I'm leaning towards getting a job, waiting a week or so and filing. That will start the clock on getting a temp support order issued, but that lets me delay WW until we go to court (about 4 weeks after filing). That also gives me several more weeks to continue logging her woefully inadequate amount of time spent with the kids, thus strengthening my own case for nearly 100% custody. It's going to be a very rude awakening for WW.

As far as the BFF status, I agree completely, and feel I had been doing a pretty good job overall the past few weeks, up until the recent move-out incident. I freely admit I fell for it, but learned my lesson. NO MORE BFF.

The dating issue is very debatable. I went back and forth several times, and TBH, actually did go on one date with a very nice woman. The problem is I felt terribly guilty the entire time to the point I didn't even really enjoy myself. Within 5 minutes of that one date, I decided it wasn't for me. I won't be able to have fun anyway, and it's not fair to the women I'm going out with, who may think there's actually a chance of it going somewhere. There isn't right now. So I guess that's a personal decision and I don't judge anyone who feels that is right for them, but for me it's not the answer. I can be vague enough about my plans with "friends" when talking with WW that she may very well believe I'm dating w/o me having to do it. It will have nearly the same desired effect.

Happy, let me just say I agree with everything you stated about respect. But I do want to clarify one thing about this line:

The next time she texts "I love you" reply back and say "I do not want your love. But your son's and I sure would love your respect."

When she sent that "I love you" TM, I didn't give her an "I love you" back. I think my reply was something along the lines of "OK. Take care of yourself." Even that may have been too generous, but as previously stated, I won't be involved in the next blowup. I'm back to not taking phone calls, so it forces her to text. If she starts up with that again, I'll politely tell her "I'm sure it's hard for you but I know that you'll figure it out" and excuse myself. If she persists, then I'll tell her I'm not comfortable discussing it. End of story.

Finally, Unloved, yes of course you're right. I don't feel I have been trying to "nice" her back in quite some time, but I freely admit that I slipped up recently. I was thrown for an unexpected loop and went into desperation mode. Guess it had to happen sooner or later. Good news is I learned my lesson and won't make the same mistakes next time.

I know, man. I know. I've had moments like that myself.

But we learn!

HA, all three of those outcomes are because you are "done" with her and her drama. It isn't done to win her back. She isn't ever going to truly absorb the fact that you will no longer be her BFF, plan b, morror of affirmation, kibble dispensor until you act to be "done".

So what do you do in the mean time while you prep for D? Go back to the 180. Next time she calls and it isn't about the kids or money you say your busy and can't talk. You want more evidence for the custody? Tell her to text you her recent drama because you can't talk right now. After no response make she'll get the idea that you just aren't interested in her issues with the OM.

HA

First priority. Get the job!!!! Good luck. We all hope you get good news.

I would make that my one and only priority. Your options open up when you do that

Thanks for the update!

Do you have a VAR on you at all times when interacting with her?

Best of luck with the job interview!

Have you had a chance to read&implement some of the stuff from "No more mr. nice guy"? It's available online for free if you google it.

Keep talking to us, so we can continue to help, listen and support you!

Best wishes

Hey, you stuck your big toe in the water to test the temperature and realized it's still hot enough to boil your skin off!

I get it.

Sounds like you have a plan.

Good luck with the job.

How are doing?

Thanks for asking. Sorry for the long time between updates. Been trying to stay busy with activity. Don't recall if I posted I had been laid off from my job of 15 years back in middle of June. Fortunately, I got a generous severance package, and have been living on that for the past few weeks. I didn't try very hard to find anything for the first month, since I didn't feel I could fully commit mentally to a new job. But after I started actually trying, I got an offer pretty quickly. Started last week, and so far it's going well. As a bonus, it's a 20% bump in pay over my last job. So that part of life is good.

The kids have settled into a pretty regular routine and seem to have adjusted well to the current situation. All 4 boys still live with me, and the verbal arrangement we had was for them to visit mom every Mon, Wed, and Fri night. That has been pretty consistent the past few weeks, but they almost never stay there overnight, and recently my WW started playing on a dart league Mon night, so wanted to switch that out for a different night. I agreed but have yet to hear from her on an alternate schedule. This past week, she simply skipped Monday. I don't push, because I'm still documenting every day spent with kids and it just strengthens my custody case when the kids are with me more.

I've been doing my best to make friends wherever i go. I'm still involved with the church and volunteering where I can. I recently re-joined a national charity I had belonged to a couple of years ago, which has a local clubhouse, kind of like a bar. It's a lot of fun, and always has a group of people hanging around. Only 5 minutes away and almost any time I go in there I will run into someone I know. I even started volunteer bartending to help me get to know more of the members. Really enjoying it so far.

As far as my WW, we get along for the most part, but most communication is about kids only. On average, a text or two every couple of days confirming plans. I did see her twice this past week because we had meetings with the school to discuss arrangements for one of our kids. Those went fine, and we hung around and talked for a few minutes, caught up a little bit. I was all smiles, confident, and dressed to the hilt. She seemed stressed and distracted.

I know that life has gotten difficult for her, especially from a financial perspective. She has lost a lot of friends through this, and many of them also know me and are still my friends. Even her own family has really distanced themselves. To top it all off, things are very rocky with her and the boyfriend. My oldest says that when he's over to visit, she seems to be in a big fight with him about once a week. The fantasy life she built around herself is crumbling.

I still miss her, and wish that there were some way to work it out. But I don't want the woman she is now. I want the woman I married and I don't know if she still exists. For now, I'm just biding my time, documenting time spent with kids, and saving money for legal fees. Now that I'm working again, I should quickly get caught up financially, and it will be my choice when to file. I'm thinking right after the first of the year, which will let me get through the holiday season, and give me around 6 months of documented daily logs to show how little time WW has spent with her boys. My attorney said that the more history I have, the better for me.

So overall life is OK for me, and improving all the time. The emotional roller coaster is still in motion but the hills are a lot smaller than a few months ago. I feel that I'm doing well, and some time within the next few months am going to be just fine. Can't say the same for my WW, but that is her problem and her choice. I'll try to keep posting occasional updates as my story unfolds.

Awesome update, so glad to hear things are going great! You seem to be handling this really well!

A couple of questions:

- are you in any sort of counselling or a divorce support group?

- are the kids in any sort of counselling? Have their teachers&counsellors been informed about the situation etc.?

- do you have a VAR on you at all times when interacting with her?

Best wishes

after all she's done to you, and with you thriving as Mr. Plan B and her struggling as Mrs. Cakeeater, why would you take her back ???

She curbed you for her own greed, you have persevered and your taking her back would give her freebie IMO

Great update! Like the old saying goes, the best revenge is a life well lived.

Smart of you to keep documenting, and not pushing her about the visitation. Give her enough rope to hang herself, and she can't bitch too much, since it is of her own doing. But she will...

Awesome update, so glad to hear things are going great! You seem to be handling this really well!

A couple of questions:

- are you in any sort of counselling or a divorce support group?

- are the kids in any sort of counselling? Have their teachers&counsellors been informed about the situation etc.?

- do you have a VAR on you at all times when interacting with her?

Thanks Hobbes. To answer your questions:

1) Yes, I'm in a local divorce support group for men, ran by my church. It's been helpful.

2) After DDay, the schools were all informed what was going on, including teachers/councellors. No professional therapy yet, due to insurance, but that is coming soon. I have benefits again as of Oct 1.

3) I don't always have a VAR but every time we meet is either in public or with all the kids around. Don't think we've been truly alone in months. I am still cautious when meeting with her, just in case.

after all she's done to you, and with you thriving as Mr. Plan B and her struggling as Mrs. Cakeeater, why would you take her back ???

She curbed you for her own greed, you have persevered and your taking her back would give her freebie IMO

I knew someone was going to post something like this. All I can say is everyone has to make their own choices. I understand the risk, and I may not always feel this way. But I still love her, and I think that if we could work past this, we could truly have a happy life and a great marriage. I took a vow for better or worse, and this is about as worse as it can get.

That doesn't mean I'm going to be naive or a pushover about taking her back, if that becomes an option. There would be a list of non-negotiables, including at a min:

WW shows true remorse and a willingness to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.

WW gets into therapy to figure out what caused her to go off the rails so badly.

WW agrees to attend MC with me, in addition to the IC for herself.

WW lives on her own, no man romantically in her life for at least 6 months, while we work on things.

WW signs a post-nup agreement limiting the amount of spousal support, in the event we are unable to reconcile and go through with divorce at any point in the future.

As time goes on, I feel myself pulling further away and I know that I'm not keeping that door open forever. But for now, it's open a crack and I'm being patient to see how things play out. I trust that God has a plan and everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to, whether that includes my WW in my life or not.

Thanks for the update, it's very good to read it.

I completely understand your decision to leave the doors open a bit for a little while. I also think your minimal standards for an attempt at R are very well set. Have you maybe had a chance to read "How to help your spouse heal" by Linda Macdonald? It's available online for free, and it might help you to perhaps change/add to those conditions.

Keep talking to us, we're here for you!

Best wishes

Thanks for checking in.

Seems like the new life you are creating is very fulfilling.

Time will tell with all of us, huh?

Thanks guys. I have to say, I'm still amazed at the amount of member involvement on this board. It's been a couple of months since I posted regularly but I put something out there and I've got several replies within hours. Truly amazing group of people.

Forgot to mention earlier, but I'm taking my kids to a beautiful beach on Lake Michigan today. It has been one of my favorite family trips to take every year, and we usually try to do it 3-4 times a summer, but with the way things were this year, only made it once. Part of it was I just didn't think I would be able to enjoy it w/o WW along. But I'm to the point I think I'm ready and looking forward to a good time with the boys. My sis-in-law (WW's sister) is even meeting us there, so I'll have someone to talk to.

She has been pulling for me throughout this entire ordeal and really has been a great source of support. Initially she was really wanting me to be patient and hold on, but lately I noticed that even her resolve has started to wane. She talks to WW every couple of weeks, and I don't think has seen any signs of things changing soon. I am happy that no matter how things turn out, I will continue to be part of that side of my family. So anyway, off to a beautiful day at the beach, and with any luck a gorgeous sunset.

Awesome, enjoy it!:)

HnA

Hope you had a great outing with your family.

It truly sucks when the ones we love turn out to be such a disappointment.

Life gets better all the time. As long as you let it.....

HM

Back from the beach. It truly was a beautiful sunset, as usual from that location. The kids loved it, and I even enjoyed myself. Sister-in-law was already there with my nephew and we got to talk for couple of hours. Found out that sis-in-law is pretty disappointed with WW right now, and even a little angry. Not just at how things are with me, but with how she has been treated herself.

She says she rarely hears from WW anymore, and TMs frequently get ignored. She spent almost $200 on clothes from WW a few weeks back, which was supposed to be to replace a suitcase that was lost on a trip. Well, the suitcase got found, but WW still did not want to return the new clothes and begged and whined until sis-in-law gave in and just said to keep them. But she wasn't happy about it. On that same trip, which was with sis-in-law, WW, and a bunch of mutual friends, my WW actually ditched her sister to hang with the friends. Guess she felt she couldn't act like herself around her sis.

Needless to say, that really hurt my SIL's feelings. She said that WW has become totally selfish, which is true. I just told her how sorry I was and that she wasn't alone in getting that treatment. WW has turned into a self-centered, whiny teenager. She even acts like a high school girl whenever it comes to the boyfriend - he always gets first priority, whether it means displacing family, kids, or whatever. It's really nuts to think of a 42-year-old woman acting this way but that's the reality.

On a positive note, I thoroughly enjoyed the day catching up with family and playing with kids. Talked with my oldest most of the 2-hour drive home and really connected. We are becoming good buddies and have a better connection now that we probably have ever had. I know that I need to be the rock for those boys and we are all going to be tremendously close through the rest of our lives; it's one of the amazing positive things to come out of this experience. I am a better father than I ever thought possible, and look forward to years of good times ahead with all my boys.

I though about my WW a little, but not in a painful, "how could she do this" kind of way, but more of a "too bad she's missing this experience". I know that going to the lake used to be one of her favorite summer activities and she hasn't been a single time this year. She's missing out on time with the kids which she can never get back and I feel bad for both her and them. But I'm going to make sure those guys have a great life, regardless, and with any luck my WW will eventually wake up from her dream. If not, then we'll all keep moving along w/o her and enjoying life to the fullest.

This may be the first time that I've ever recommend this but I think you should consider the early stages of dating (let friends know you'll soon be available type of thing)

Most of your posts are colored with a component of yearning or waiting for her, and while those feelings are natural they are no longer healthy. Shifting your mind a bit to someone else may provide you the pivot point that you need.

(I expect this opinion to be controversial)

Awesome update. I often agree with Eric, but not this time I think it's best to bide your time regarding the timing of the filing for D, bring the D to an end and, unless the D process will get unreasonably prolonged, don't date until you're divorced.

How do you get along with the rest of the in-laws? ARe they experience the same as your SIL?

Best wishes