SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have him file the second way and be prepared to go balls to the wall on it, but once she gets served see if she'll negotiate a deal in your favor in exchange for amending the filing to be no fault. You might end up with the best of both worlds.

I know the urge is strong to make her pay - through loss of money, car, perhaps a dog.

Remember this - whatever she loses, your son loses. That's not cool. He shouldn't have to pay. Not only that but I would be more than fair with her so she has nothing more to try to poison the son against you with.

You could gain a few thousand and put the nail in the coffin of your relationship with the son.

This is short term thinking!

As much as I'd like to let the hate flow through me, I'm not going to go all out war on her. I'm telling the lawyer to file for no-fault. As it was said a couple of comments up, the best revenge is a life well lived. Well, time to get on with my life, cut my losses and get over it.

I don't want to punish her, that's on her level. And I don't want to punish DS by proxy. Again, I'll take the high road. But she should really stop mistaking my kindness for weakness. I'm not playing around anymore.

She started emailing me, texting me and calling me just now. Freaking out after I moved the money from the bank account.

Here's the email she sent:

I know you are hurt and mad at me. I'm not sure what exactly happened and I told you I had a feeling you were going to drop a bomb on me, well here it is. You told DS I was going to be mad at you, I'm not sure why you felt this way and I'm sorry you do. I'm trying to have an adult, civil conversation to figure out what I'm missing. I'm now locked out of my bank account, I don't know if there is any money in there, you are posting stuff on Facebook but won't talk to me. If you want to email me, that is fine. If you don't want me to respond that is fine. But I have a right to know if I have money to pay my bills and feed my kid and really to know what happened. I'm really really confused. An explanation would be nice.

Thank you,

STBXWW

----

The banking stuff she's referring to is that both of the accounts - the joint and my private one - are assigned to my email address and specifically to me. She can still access her account, but I did change the password so she can't transfer funds back.

I talked to the bank, they told me to tell her she needs to create a new client login on their website and enter the joint account number. That will give her online access to her account again, without letting her have access to mine.

Should I break NC to tell her that, or let her figure it out?

As far as telling DS that she's going to be mad - either he didn't remember right or she's misunderstanding what I told him. I told him that things might get a little ulgy, that there's seldom a good, clean D.

Suggestions?

Here's the email she sent:

I know you are hurt and mad at me. I'm not sure what exactly happened and I told you I had a feeling you were going to drop a bomb on me, well here it is. You told DS I was going to be mad at you, I'm not sure why you felt this way and I'm sorry you do. I'm trying to have an adult, civil conversation to figure out what I'm missing. I'm now locked out of my bank account, I don't know if there is any money in there, you are posting stuff on Facebook but won't talk to me. If you want to email me, that is fine. If you don't want me to respond that is fine. But I have a right to know if I have money to pay my bills and feed my kid and really to know what happened. I'm really really confused. An explanation would be nice.

Thank you,

STBXWW

Let her figure it out give her Crickets, give her silence that is so deafening it is louder than anything you can say or do.

If you want to be a meanie I supposed you could email her this link or text it to her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXiifFBHj5g

File and proceed with D, keep it 100% business with her.

Don't fall into a trap of taking bait and responding...

I agree with going the cheapest, fastest route. Legal fees stack up really quickly especially if she decides to contest the divorce because it is going to cost her more than she wants to part with. Even with the lawyer's low ball figures, there is no way to predict the actual cost because there are so many dynamics at play.

When I divorced my exH, I paid a $500 retainer and was given a ball park figure of $1000 for the divorce. My exH contested everything every step of the way even though I went the no fault route. In my state, a no fault divorce is granted after 18 months after filing regardless of whether all of the marital issues and assets are settled. For a marriage that only lasted 2 years, I spent 10 additional years after our 18 month divorce was final constantly going back on forth to court to settle all of his demands for more money. I ended up spending tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees just to get rid of my exH because he kept bringing me back to court until all of the lawyers in our region refused to take him as a client.

Given that you have the upper hand in this matter, I would use it to your advantage to get rid of her as quickly and cheaply as possible. I'm fairly sure your lawyer will be able to use the threat of dragging her through an infidelity based divorce as leverage to get her to agree to a quick and quiet divorce. It's called cutting your losses and it's a very smart way to do it.

she loves that car more than life. It'd be my pleasure to rob her of it and leave her with my crappy little Focus.

Please please, get the car...

You did not take all the money, you took half.

Anyone who knows what she did this last weekend, she left for another man and also TOLD you after you asked her not to do it, said she still needed to go to have closure. She knew and she still did it.

She really never thought you would do it. She thought she could still call the shots. Trust me that she will figure this out, she is not a child, she willingly with her own free will did what she wanted to do. Don't forget that.

But, if I wanted to go down the path of D with infidelity as the cause, he thinks he has a good shot of saddling her with most of the debt, getting me more of the property and he thinks we can get back the $1500/1800 from the joint account that have contributed to the affair.

Bro if you can go for Infidelity please do, it is more of having it on record..

That kind of shit tarnishes her Vagfax.

Alright.

Crickets and no-fault it is.

Texas is "stand your ground state"

So I know this Numb Nuts is not stupid enough to show up at your place..

It would literally give you a pass to shoot him on sight, and tell your events of the story afterwards....

I know you are hurt and mad at me. I'm not sure what exactly happened and I told you I had a feeling you were going to drop a bomb on me, well here it is. You told DS I was going to be mad at you, I'm not sure why you felt this way and I'm sorry you do. I'm trying to have an adult, civil conversation to figure out what I'm missing. I'm now locked out of my bank account, I don't know if there is any money in there, you are posting stuff on Facebook but won't talk to me. If you want to email me, that is fine. If you don't want me to respond that is fine. But I have a right to know if I have money to pay my bills and feed my kid and really to know what happened. I'm really really confused. An explanation would be nice.

Thank you,

STBXWW

So she thinks an explanation would be nice. LOL! What a piece of work! She wants to screw around on the weekends and then still have you kiss her ass during the week. Wow! Ok. So she doesn't have to be nice while she does what she wants, but still expects you to be nice regardless of how cruel and heartless she is?

Don't respond to her. Her confusion will be cleared up soon enough when she gets served her papers.

I don't understand her confusion. You told her there would be consequences if she went back to OM and she went. You are being a man of your word.

Any chance the bank can let her know how to access her account? If not, perhaps one brief email detailing how to access it, ending with "you shouldn't be confused--you chose this path for yourself, now let me walk my own."

Yes crickets. No contact at all. She can call the bank.

If she will not give you a quick divorce tell her you can always file for infidelity as grounds and drag her through the mud.

I would vote with catlover. Normally, crickets, but the banking info?

Brief and to the point.

I say he should file for "infidelity" and begin to drag her name in the mud. Then feel sorry and as a "good will" gesture offer her a "quick divorce."

Use that approach vs. the "Or Else"

I would just respond with "You will need to contact the bank and they will instruct you on how access your portion of the account. My attorney will be contacting you for all other matters."

Do not respond anything with regard to your step son. He has your number and he can call you if he needs you.

It sucks balls but here is some level of civility that is required to make D amicable and less costly. If you set the tone and keep emotions out of it you are more likely to get the outcome you want.

I also feel that he should file as at-fault but keep it civil. Life is so much simpler when you keep things simple. It ain't a no fault divorce, so keep it at-fault. But don't hammer home the point in any other way.

At some point, she'll figure out that she can call the bank. If she can figure out how to have an affair and destroy our family, she can figure out how to pick up the phone and ask the bank for help.

Crickets. Nothing but crickets. Chirp, chirp, chirp.

She just texted me and said, "I'm just trying to have an adult conversation. Do I have to come up to your office to have it with you?"

I walked into my company's owner's office and told him and a couple of my fellow managers here, "If she steps foot in this building, feel free to toss her out."

One of my colleagues asked, "Can I cuss her out?"

I said, "No. But, please feel free to escort her out and tell her not to come back or we'll call the police for trespassing."

The company owner is 6'4" and about 300lbs - all muscle. He just chuckled and said he'll just throw her over his shoulder and walk her to her car. Hahahahaha.

Anyway, I think she's not confused about consequences. I think she's confused that I grew a pair and actually did it. It's been 11 years of "Yes, dear. Whatever you want, dear. Anything for you, sweetie." And 2 months of, "Baby don't go. I'll be here for you..."

Now that I'm making good on my aggressive promises, she's not confused by the actions. She's confused that I'm actually following through and standing up to her. And, that scares her, I think.

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. Even beta males like myself have a limit.

Give her the information about how to access the bank account -- and then go back to *crickets.*

You don't need to explain anything. If she's smart enough to Google to figure out what your VAR was, she's smart enough to drive her happy ass to an atm and check her balance. She's so desperate to get a response from you. Pathetic!