SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had hoped you would come to understand the devastation you caused, but 9 months after confirmation of your affair you are still all about protecting yourself, covering up and deleting the evidence. I never looked outside our marriage but you had a girlfriend for 4yrs- that's a quarter of our marriage!! How did you justify that to yourself? And no " I was in a bad place" just doesn't cut it. You have supposedly read the books I gave you but I'm not allowed to ask your thoughts about them 😵 you don't seem to realise I gave you a chance to prove you could be the honest caring partner you were at the beginning of our marriage. Instead you continue to lie, manipulate, intimidate and gaslight. I wonder why you think you are such a catch that I'll wait forever for you to get your shit together. Do you know how much more pleasant home is now that you aren't here? There is no one to criticise me, or make out I've got a problem. I'm lonely but I'm actually not as lonely as I was living with you these past years - and that realisation makes me so sad. I actually think you're just waiting for me to give up and file, so you can blame me for not being able to get over it, or maybe you're just happy because you are getting to pursue a proper relationship with her while I wait, I've no way of knowing. Lies fall off your tongue so easily. If this is your love, maybe I'm better off without it😢

I'm sorry about your job. I know you are feeling sad and scared and alone. I want to reach out to you, support you, tell you everything will be ok and that we can handle whatever happens, because we are a team. Except we're not. You don't want to be in this marriage anymore, so it is not my place to comfort you. You don't want me in that role. So as much as it hurts me that you are hurting, and as much as it kills me not to reach for you and help soothe your pain and fears, I have to keep reminding myself that you don't want me as your partner, it is not my place, so I won't.

bumping for the newbies in this forum...

Post here instead of your soon to be XWH

You are SUCH a fucking asshole.

Stop taking it out on the kids and expecting THEM to be more of an adult than YOU are. YOU don't understand the majority of the financial stuff, but you expect them to you?

Time to put your big boy pants on and start adulting. You're going to have to figure it out so you can explain it to them.

Dumbass.

I checked my account today to see if my car payment had cleared. While I was on there, I saw your account was overdrawn. Last time I noticed that, I texted you and offered to help by transferring the money I pay you for insurance a day early. This time... I decided to ignore it. Not because I don't care, because I do. But I don't want to care. Not more than a week ago you stood in the driveway and told me how you did not want to rely on me anymore for anything, you wanted to do it all yourself, so when I thought about texting you and letting you know, of making my offer again... I remembered those words and let it go instead. Since that day I have been NC. I know I will have to break it soon because we still have financials we have to separate, insurance stuff to figure out, etc. But, I dread it. Because every time I have to text, talk, or see you, my anxiety comes back with a vengeance. Just sitting here thinking about it is causing me anxiety, although I did forget to take my AD this morning, and it's 'that time of the month' so I'm sure all of that together isn't helping either.

My friends invited me out this weekend to go to a fair. I'm going to go. I just hope I don't run into you, and if I do, I hope you aren't with another woman. I am starting to heal, and if I concentrate enough, I can convince myself the girl you are/would be with is simply another future victim, but the pain of seeing it scares me. It makes me wonder if it will push me over the edge of what I can endure. I hate that you shattered our future.

I hate that you no longer speak to my children, your stepchildren for the past almost 11 years.

I hate that after everything we went through I was that disposable. I hate that you left me when I needed you most. I hate the realization I allowed myself to be manipulated for so long and didn't even notice it. I hate how much my heart longs for you when my head already knows it's over. I hate that I always hope it's you when I get a text or phone call. I hate my lack of motivation. I hate how I cannot see a future relationship with anyone else because my entire being still wants you. I hate your beautiful green/hazel eyes and your long, dark lashes. I hate that your large, warm hands no longer hold my tiny ones. I hate no longer getting a morning text that says 'good morning beautiful, how did you sleep?' I hate that you threw us away for a group of losers you barely knew. I hate that all you do is drink, gamble, and do drugs now. I hate the emptiness in you where there used to be more. Most of all, I hate myself for taking all the above for granted... and thinking it would never end.

Because now I miss it all. Because now my emptiness matches your own, but I'm oh so fully aware. Because my tears don't stop falling. Because my heart doesn't stop aching. Because I have to pretend to have a good time now. Because my laughter now seems forced, where before it was as effortless as breathing.

Do you remember when you told me how you fell in love with my laugh?

Now you are so conflicted. Part of you loves me, I know because I see the tears and pain in your eyes as well. But, part of you resents me because you thrust me into a role where I had to be both your wife and your mother. Because you make such terrible financial decisions, and look at you now. Broke. Overdrawn account. And still expecting/wanting me to save you, but hating me if I do... and blaming me if I don't. I can't win this war you wage with yourself but project on to me. I tried. I tried to win for years. But now, I have to learn to let go. And I hate that most of all.

[This message edited by MCMayhem at 12:55 PM, September 8th (Thursday)]

There is no doubt that the death of one of our children would be horrible. It would cause a tremendous amount of grief and suffering. For you to compare your choice to have physical and emotional affairs to the inevitable event of death is a continuation of your persistence to minimize what is truly going on here. You are essentially saying to me ‘it’s not that bad.’

Trust me…it is.

Even though I am literally thousands of miles away, I still miss and love you - you stupid woman. :-(

I had a day today I considered 'pretty good' because through most of it I had convinced myself I would be so much better without you. Then I came home and it all came crashing down, I lost all motivation, berated myself for not going and working out, and just collapsed in my office and cried while listening to a bunch of sad songs play over and over.

Not contacting you is the hardest thing. I keep looking for reasons to see you, talk to you, anything. But I haven't. How could you just turn your back on me? On us? Do you know how hard it is when your triggers are things about yourself? I laugh and remember how much you loved my laugh and become immediately sad. I wish I could just make all of the pain go away...

You look like hell.

Thank you for not continuing to ask me whether I care about you at all anymore... and staring at me dumbly when I don't answer.

Thank you for realizing I don't care about you. Not about your relationships, your health, your pets, your family or your finances.

I just don't understand.

I cannot get my head around it.

Fuck you.

You fired me from the job of helping you and/or making your life run smoothly.

Fuck. You.

((I seem to keep coming back here...sigh))

You ass. Your son obsessively searches - and finds -- problems with his car. All the time. So he can have the teeniest of relationship with you.He freely admits it, says it's okay, it's better than nothing. What? You don't honestly think he's looking for a freebie do you?? So, maybe, just maybe you could actually show up and help him fix his car with him? Instead of not showing, and having your guy fix whatever? WFT?

You are a sad sad excuse for a father. Not unique. Just another jerk who let everyone down.

Sometimes I want to reach out to you, then I remember that I could have a more emotionally satisfying conversation with a Fisher Price See & Say. You are one shallow puddle.

Why do I continue to expect anything from you? You couldn't communicate with me when times were good so why do I endlessly try to force the issue now?

No contact is supposed to be except for kids and finances, yet those are the things we always fought over the most. So I don't talk to you about them either and set imaginary conditions in my head that I know you can't or won't meet as an excuse. How do we find a way to do this?

Why did you have to do this? Why couldn’t you have just been a man and asked for a divorce years ago? You knew you wanted out then, why didn’t you just do the right thing? Why? Because you are a selfish, self-centered, lying sack of dog dung! That’s why.

That would have been the right thing to do. That would have been the most dignified thing to do – but NOOOOO – YOU had to get someone else involved. You had to stray outside our marriage vows to “save yourself”. Bullsh**. I have no idea what that even means – you had an affair because you were trying to save yourself??? How about me, you moron? What about your children you a**wipe? When did you ever think about them during this incredibly dysfunctional sexscapade?

But we are just friends! Really?. Wow, what a great friend you have. You friend aided and abetted your abandonement of your family you douche bag! Now, there’s a real good friend, hang on to her, she’s a keeper. And so you are you dickweed, slime bucket ball of sh**! How dare you drag me and your children into your perverted “poor little me” pity-party-justified affair. And you want me to feel sorry for you? You don’t feel like you belong? You don’t feel like your children respect you anymore? Your WS won’t talk nicely to you anymore? You don’t want to be this kind of person anymore? Too late – you are already are, and from where I sit, there isn’t much you are going to be able to do to change it? Why? Because you *ucktard! You won’t accept responsibility for what happened. All you want to do is dredge up our relationship pre-A and blame me for the A. If I have told you once, I told you a thousand times – I will accept responsibility for my part of creating an unhappy marriage – BUT I WILL NEVER ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR AFFAIR. IT WAS YOUR CHOICE TO HAVE THE AFFAIR YOU EFFING COWARD – DON’T EVER BLAME THAT ON ME. A**hat! And it was your choice to continue to have that affair for over ten years. Now you have to live the consequences of your dumba** choices!

And then you have the balls to tell me that you understand how I feel – “I’ve had girlfriends cheat on me” so I know what you are going through? Really? Really??? I can’t believe those insipid words ever exited your lipless mouth!! Jackanape. Comparing a 20 year marriage to a casual dating relationship? OMG – wow, you really do know what it’s like….maybe we should compare notes someday? Effing a**hole! Can’t believe you would even insult me with a statement like that. That’s almost as insulting as “she’s just a friend”. Yeah – a friend you’ve been *ucking behind my back for 10 years – then coming home and infecting MY home and family with her toxic influence. *uck both of you – you deserve each other.

You wanted unconditional love – well you had it, but you were too selfish and too stupid to realize it. All that you wanted was right under your nose, but you were too blind to see it. Too unhappy with the way your life was going? Two beautiful children, a lovely wife who would do (and had done) anything for you, a spouse that made huge compromises so you could chase YOUR dreams! And you were unhappy with that? *uckwad! You can’t get unconditional love when you aren’t love-ABLE. You are not able to love anyone but yourself and it shows in everything you do.

It’s always about you! But not anymore. I gave you the gift of trying R – and you spit in my face. You had to make a choice, me or her, and you chose your ‘friend’ over me and your family. Don’t know why that’s surprising, you chose the fuck infused friendship over us for the past decade, why would it be any different now that I KNOW you are having an A. You were warned that with each passing day, I would get stronger and stronger until I would be at the point where I would move on and never look back. You didn’t take me seriously (you never did in 20 years of marriage). This isn’t about you anymore. It’s about me and the kids. It’s about me and the kids becoming healed and ultimately being able to forgive.

You betrayed all of us and it hurts more than you will ever be able to understand. As of today, there is no going back.

It’s not about you anymore. The A was about you and your perverted, dark broken self, the past 10 years was about your stupid selfishness, but NOW is not about you anymore. You can effing suffer in whatever dark hole you have managed to dig for yourself (hope there is enough room for the OW). You can have your faithful friend, you can have your pretend fantasy world where nothing is real (except in the minds of you two psychopathic idiots!) and then one day when you wake up and realize it’s just a fantasy……. we will be gone and well on our way to forgetting you and becoming happy, healthy and healed!

You look good. I hate you for being a "good catch" and for the fact that I can still find you attractive even though I know how ugly you are inside.

How pathetic and horrible do you have to be that you made it really easy to get over you? Oh, that's right. Excuse number one was that you were unhappy. No shit. I told you you needed o work and to respect me and quit drinking and to share in our household duties. Fuck you. You told me you loved me after two weeks, yeah I'm so sure you really think we should only have been friends.

You're not my friend. You casually tossed me aside for some kid. What a surprise. You drag me down into your hole and then throw me away when you don't like what you've done to me. Too bad, asshole. You did this to me. You should have made an effort, tried to fix the damage you did, not replaced me. People who love know how to put others' feelings first

You want to know what my friend who's been supporting me said? She said I was so lucky that you're so horrible it made you easy to get over. How bad is that? You have always put yourself first you fucking worthless piece of gutter trash. You leaving me was pretty much the only decent thing you ever did for me.

But you know what still hurts me most of all? The fact that you'll never even try to get a hold of me. You'll respect my wishes for no contact and never even care that we never speak again. You are a fucking piece of garbage. You owe me so much and yet I'm looking forward to a life of you never contacting me as if I were the one who did something to you and you wanted NC from me. Gutter trash.

[This message edited by avocado at 5:19 AM, September 25th, 2016 (Sunday)]

You looked so shocked the other week when DS was talking to me and getting advice on girls and he wasn't coming to you about. You asking me why he isn't coming to you.......really? Do you think DS wants to get any kind of advise from you about women. Look at what you have shown him.

But then again it is all about you. It must hurt (if you have feelings) that you seem to be the last person DS wants to get advise about women from.

I miss you so much. I feel like I will never get over it. I know you miss me too but your mental health and addiction took you away from me.

I miss our life, our connection and our family. Not talking to you is torture. I miss your lips, I miss laughing with you and I miss your hugs. I wish more than anything you would get better so we could be a family again. My heart is so broken. I just want to talk to you. I feel completely alone in the world and like I lost everything. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I don't think I will ever love anyone again.

I really miss you. Please come home.

How NICE for our son to get to spend the day with you at the football game. If only you hadn't been shitfaced and been approached by security about your behavior toward the opposing team's fans. If only the whore and her little friend hasn't been shitfaced and playing drinking games with the other people in the parking lot.

You're a fucking embarrassment.

My son will be more of a MAN than you will EVER hope to be you fucking pathetic loser.

I hate you today.

[This message edited by nekorb at 5:45 PM, October 9th (Sunday)]